O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[jtroster]

[steffo99]

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Lovers help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, " Congratulations."

But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job!"

Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

[Lou1se]

The blind date.

[steffo99]

[steffo99]

[steffo99]

[steffo99]

Inspirational old couple...

[Paradosis]

[Phattso]

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish,
was approached recently by a game
warden in Arkansas as he started to
drive his boat away from a lake. The
game warden asked the man, "May I see
your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir,"
replied the redneck. "I don't need none of
them there papers. These here are my
pet fish."

"Pet fish!?!?"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish
o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim
'round for a while. Then when I whistle,
they swim right back into my net and I
take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney....you're under
arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr.
Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the
warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the
lake and stood and waited. After a few
minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going
to call em back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!

"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.

Truth:

We may not be as smart as some city
slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some
government employees.

[jtroster]

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and -- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?" Russ replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail!" cried Fred. "What in the world for?"

'Well", Russ said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?" "Yeah", said Fred, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty."

"The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[jtroster]

[Lou1se]

I'll never join one of those online dating services. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.

[FlaIronMind]

[Lou1se]

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

[steffo99]

[steffo99]

[Lou1se]

When it comes to sleeping naked, I hate how people are like "that's so weird" and "lady, get off our snooker table - I've called the police".

[Lou1se]

A young ventriloquist is touring Essex and, one night, he's doing a
show in Romford. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and
starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What
makes you think you can stereotype Essex blonde women that way? What
does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human
being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected
at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as
people Its people like you that make others think that all Blondes are
dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
not only blondes, but women in general … pathetically all in the name
of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap."

[steffo99]

[cowboybiker]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...
"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!

[Marly21]

What's brown and sticks to a window?

a nosey chit

[jtroster]

"Doctor, I want to be transferred to a different hospital."

"Is it the food?"

"No, the food's ok. I can't complain."

"Is it the room?"

"No, the room's ok. I can't complain."

"Is it the nurses?"

"No, the nurses are ok. I can't complain."

"Then why do you want to be transferred?"

"I can't complain!"

[Lou1se]

I got pulled over one time and the officer said "I need to inform you that anything you say can be taken down and used against you in a court of law."
So I said" Officer, stop kissing me. Don't touch me there!"

[Lou1se]

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?” She asks, what?” “SEX!!” he replies.
Mildred exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head! ” I know, ” Harold says, “but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while. “Well, I can oblige,” says Mildred, and then unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold’s manhood. Then, one night, Harold didn’t show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold’s manhood! Furious, Mildred yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don’t have?”
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s.”

[Lou1se]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!
For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And YOU will now be his carer!
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg...He's dead. Show me what you bought

[X-ring]

The Genie and Bill....

Bill Clinton was driving past the White House when he accidentally ran over the Obama’s new puppy, Sunny, crushing it flat as a pancake. He climbed out of his Rolls Royce and sat down on the curb totally distraught. He knew Michelle would go friggin' ballistic....
Then Bill noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground next to a storm drain. He dug it up, brushed it off and immediately a Genie popped out. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the Genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish."
"Well...," said Bill, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this damned dog."
They walk over to the splattered remains of Sunny. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" Bill asked.
The Genie looked at the remains of Sunny and shook his head in dismay. "This critter is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Maybe there's something else you'd like?"
Bill thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two pictures. "I had an affair with this beautiful young girl called Monica," said Bill, showing the genie the first photo. "But I’m actually married to this woman called Hillary" and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see what Hillary looks like, so do you think you can make her look like Monica?"
The Genie studied the two photographs thoughtfully and after a few minutes said,.... "Damn,.. let's have another look at that dog!"

[Mark1T]

Bump

[Mark1T]

You know you were invited to a pot party if when you ring the doorbell, the guy answers and says something like:

"Hey, how you doin'? Did you bring any cake?"

You ask: "What kind of cake?"

He replies: "It don't matter. Any damn kind of cake."