O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[Mark1T]

If so, here's the first one...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I fired my secretary!

Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's my wife for you - maybe the children will remember. " The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Lizzy, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; hey - someone remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Lizzy knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday, lalalaalaaah.............

And there I sat...on the couch waiting...naked as the day I was born..........

[Hibiscus09]

LOL! Funny! We used to have a joke thread.

[Andrew69]

True story hey Mark?

Heres my 6 y/o daugthers favorite riddle at the moment.


Why did the turkey cross the road?



It was the chickens day off!

[jtroster]

One says to the other, "Lou, you know that there is a case of V.D. going around the home?"

The other says, "Harry, that would be nice, I'm so tired of 7-Up."

[fitnessman]

Fitnessman is cutting.....LOL!

[johnnyironboard]

What is the longest word in the english language: SMILES there is a mile between the two S's.

[r8rrob]

Guy comes home and finds his wife packing.

"Where are you going?", he says.

"I'm moving to Vegas," she says. "I just found out that I can get $250 for what I give you for free!"

He starts packing too.

She says, "Where are you going?"

"Vegas," he says. "I want to see how you'll live off of $500 a year!"

[Mark1T]

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?
------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

[1stindoor]

hahahahahaha....NOW THAT...was funny!

[RaSP]

Apologies in advance to any and all blonde women in the audience.

A blonde woman is pulled over for speeding by a blonde police woman. The officer approaches and asks for the drivers license and registration.

The driver says, "Drivers License? What's that? "

The officer replies, "It's a square thing with your picture on it"

The driver digs through her purse and finds her compact, flips it open and sees her reflection. She then hands this to the officer.

The officer regards it carefully, then hands it back and says, "Sorry, I didn't know you were a cop."


*R*

[TrishB]

LOL.....these are good. We used to have a joke thread...kinda got lost over time. This is fun to get the jokes of the day.

We used to have a Kink thread too...I'm not sure how that one got lost with this group.

[r8rrob]

Originally Posted by TrishB

LOL.....these are good. We used to have a joke thread...kinda got lost over time. This is fun to get the jokes of the day.

We used to have a Kink thread too...I'm not sure how that one got lost with this group.

A Kink thread? Who wants to touch that one????

[TrishB]

Originally Posted by r8rrob

A Kink thread? Who wants to touch that one????

LOL..want to bet it is up and running by tonight?

[r8rrob]

Originally Posted by TrishB

LOL..want to bet it is up and running by tonight?

LOL...that's too funny! (Can't wait to see it!!!)

[r8rrob]

Here's another one . . . .

A man flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his
back, and had nothing left but the second half of his round trip ticket. If
he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He
got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the
driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get out of my cab" So the man was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later, having worked long and hard to attain financial success, he
returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, way at the end of a long line of cabs, but
his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his
luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab at the front of the line, "How much for
a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me some oral sex on the way?" "What?! Get out of my cab." said the cabbie.

The man got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same
questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back
of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The
cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The man said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the man lowered the
window, gave a big smile and a thumbs up sign to each driver as they went
by.

[r8rrob]

And one more...

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and
realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my
wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She says,
"That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me." and she
processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
social security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability too."

[KSongstress]

Originally Posted by Mark1T

Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?
------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

"Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too." she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

RFLMAOOOOO....reps for the laugh!

[Hibiscus09]

LOL, rob!! I like the disability joke!

[hatman]

Originally Posted by Hibiscus09

LOL! Funny! We used to have a joke thread.

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...ighlight=jokes

Is this the one you speak of hib?

[r8rrob]

A study at the University of Missouri shows that the type of facial features that a woman finds attractive can differ, depending upon where she is at in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If a woman is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

If she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

[Bouncer79]

A guy goes into a bar after work for a drink. Sits at the bar and orders a beer. As he's sitting there, he looks behind the bar and notices a barrel FILLED with hundred dollar bills. He asks the bartender,

"Hey, what's the deal with that barrel?". The bartender replies,

"Don't even worry about it pal, it's bad news". The man insists to know what the deal with the barrel is. Finally the bartender gives in and tells him,

"Ok, to start you need to put your hundred dollar bill in the barrel. First, you have to go fight our bouncer". The bartender points toward the door at a giant bouncer in a black suit. "You have to knock him out in the fight. If you survive that, I'll give you a key to the back room. In that room is a pitbull. You have to bring me out one of the dog's teeth. Then, if you somehow can get through that, there is a 90 year old woman upstairs you must have sex with. If you survive all 3 of those tasks, the entire barrel of money is yours".

The man shakes his head and says, "Forget it".

A couple of hours go by and the man has had a lot more beers then he intended. Getting up his beer nerves he shouts out and slurs,

"I'm going for the barrel!!!"

He gets off his bar stool and throws his money in the barrel. Goes to turn around to head towards the bouncer but is so drunk that he trips and falls sending his beer mug sailing through the air which hits the bouncer square in the face knocking him out cold. The entire crowd starts cheering the man on as he manages to get back to his feet.

He grabs the key from the bartender and stumbles towards the back room with the pitbull. He closes the door behind him and for the next half hour all the crowd heard was the man screaming and the dog barking and going crazy. Suddenly the noise just stops. Fearing the worst, the bartender begins to walk to the room figuring he will find the man dead.

Just then, the door swings open and the man comes out bloody and beaten and with torn clothes he blurts out,

"Ok... now where's this old woman who's teeth I have to pull?"

[The Conqueror]

Originally Posted by Mark1T

If so, here's the first one...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Why I fired my secretary!

Two weeks ago was my birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's my wife for you - maybe the children will remember. " The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Lizzy, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; hey - someone remembered. I worked until noon. Then, Lizzy knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go."

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday, lalalaalaaah.............

And there I sat...on the couch waiting...naked as the day I was born..........

LOL! Add to my joke and humor thread! The addy is in my sig.

[jtroster]

A doctor and his wife are having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says in as stern a voice as possible, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife, slamming down her knife and fork. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more big Mercedes in the garage for you and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Rob?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[1stindoor]

Originally Posted by jtroster

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

hahahahaha. Thanks for that one, made my afternoon

[GREENFEATHER]

An old drunk decides to change his ways. He wakes up Sunday from an all night bender and decides he's going to go to church. He walks to the church and finds out they're going to the river for baptisms so he decides to go.
They go down to the river and the preacher comes up to him and asks him if he's ready to find God, the drunk says yes. They walk out into the river and the preacher dunks him in the water and pulls him up and asks him "Did you find God?" The drunk replies "No". The preacher dunks him again, pulls him back up and asks him the same question, to wit the drunk replies no again. The preacher is starting to get flustered at this point and dunks him and holds him under for longer this time. He pulls him back up and asks him again "Did you find God?" The drunk replies" Preacher, are sure this is where you lost him ?"

[GREENFEATHER]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous
young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris
and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be
careful

[little lats]

who would want a kink thread?????? Hmm I guess having one named after you isn't good.....

[batteryrequired]

Valentines Day is here again, and with it the perfect opportunity for marketing departments the world over to romance investors and donors with Valentine-themed promotions! Here are some that didn’t quite make it off the drawing board:
Nevada State Tourism Board
“Nothing Says I LOVE YOU Like Legalized Prostitution and Gambling” T-shirts, baseball caps, and coffee mugs.

Ku Klux Klan
* Valentine’s Day Heart Burning, co-sponsored by Alka Seltzer

Vatican Public Relations Office
* “Naughty Altar Boy” limited edition ceramic figurine

American Heart Association
* Chocolate heart with marshallow-filled arteries. Simultaneously a touching token of love and a serious warning to an overweight sweetheart.

Daughters of the American Revolution
* Illustrated Kama Sutra featuring George and Martha Washington. Comes with authentic period wooden dental dam.

PETA
* Spray Paint a Red Heart on Joan Rivers’ Coat Competition

National Society of Organ Donors
* “My Heart Belongs to You (As Soon As I’m Brain Dead)” cards.

Department of Homeland Security
* Moving the Valentine’s Day National Warning System Code Red for a “High Risk of Lovin’”

[BeLeafer]

The other night I heard a knock at my door. I answered it to find a
six-foot cockroach on my doorstep.
It threw me across the room, then it left. I was stunned!!

The next night, the doorbell rang again. The same cockroach was standing
there. Before I could do anything it punched me in the stomach and left.

The following night, the same thing happened and the cockroach kneed me in
the groin (stop laughing it bloody hurt!!) and bit me behind my left ear.

Yesterday I went to see my doctor to get my injuries treated and asked
him,

"What can I do?"

"Not much," my doctor said.

"There's just a nasty bug going around."

[Mark1T]

This 'aint a joke, but it's funny...

100-Pound Woman Eats Six-Pound Burger
Monday, January 17, 2005

CLEARFIELD, Pa. — Kate Stelnick (search ) may weigh only 100 pounds, but her appetite is remarkable. The college student from Princeton, N.J., is the first to meet a restaurant's challenge by downing its six-pound hamburger — and five pounds of fixins' — within three hours.

Stelnick didn't eat for two days to prepare for the challenge. "I felt very full, but I was too excited that I actually ate it to notice," Stelnick said.

Stelnick, 19, made the five-hour drive to Denny's Beer Barrel Pub (search) with two friends from The College of New Jersey on Wednesday, after they saw pictures of the monster burger, dubbed the Ye Old 96er (search ).

Denny Leigey Jr., the owner of the bar 35 miles northwest of State College, had offered a two-pound burger for years and conceived of the six-pounder after his daughter went to college and phoned him about a bar that sold a four-pounder.

But nobody had finished the big burger in the three-hour time limit since it was introduced on Super Bowl Sunday 1998. In addition to the meat, contestants much eat one large onion, two whole tomatoes, one half head of lettuce, 1¼ pounds of cheese, two buns, and a cup each of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, relish, banana peppers and some pickles.

Stelnick did it all in two hours, 54 minutes.

Leigey said he was pretty sure somebody would meet his burger challenge, though he didn't have a petite woman in mind.

"I wouldn't have made it if I didn't think it was possible," Leigey said.