Rarely discussed psychological component as weight comes off

[madara]

Well I'm kinda going out on limb here but I dont see much info on subject about mental state on body when your lossing weight. I've lost 85lbs in last 6 months, I feel best I felt in very long time. I'm half way there and very excited about future and current workouts. I have one major concern, always being such positive upbeat guy I abit concerned with that going on with me psychologically. My emotions are all over the place. And general feeling of loniness makes no sense, you figure I felt that back in "fat state" not in when your half way thru tunnel back to real world. My only guess is like cigs, drugs or any other addiction you go thru this "withdrawal "period. Otherwise nothing much adds up, unless this is normal? I faintly remember cebs like Carnie Wilson in interviews mention battling depression after hundreds of lbs where lost and she was about done. Strikes me as odd this happens when finally win lifetime battle. Hopefully for me will not last long. Anyone else deal with this?

[Stannian]

I know what you are talking about. I have recently lost about 40 lbs, and I should feel great, but feel....weird. It has just recently hit me too. I have just been going off into my own little world, and don't want to be around anyone, even my girlfriend. I don't know why, but I too hope it passes. I probably don't have it nearly as bad as you say 85 lbs, and halfway there, maybe you are feeling this way because you are losing half of yourself.....

[Stannian]

Does anyone on here know anything about the subject?

[smooveb]

After losing 30-40 pounds I felt myself amped by my physical change, but distant from everything else. It led to me having an affair with a woman at work strictly for the physical and mental "rush" of doing something so wrong. About six months later I told my wife. She is sticking with me despite the fact that I was such a bastard. I have since been diagnosed with Dysthymia (http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-md04.html) and am taking two different antidepressants to deal with it. I am also seeing a psychologist weekly. Since telling my wife I have also gained back almost all of my initial weight.

I'm not making any excuses for my actions. Just telling it like it is. Chances are, I was messed up long before my weight loss.

Today I feel pretty darn good, and the wife and I are continuing to work things out. Most of the time life is much better. Since I have started working out again, I have noticed that I feel much better than when I was just taking medication.

[ROCK CRUSHER]

Cognative Therapy (changing your thought process) has always been overlooked when it comes to major weight loss.

Dr. Phil addresses this issue very well.

[DeezGst]

Can't say I have experienced any of this. If I was depressed it wasn't because of loosing weight. If anything when I was down that made me feel good. I thought about all I had acomplished. In all I've lost 96lbs. I've also put on quite a bit of muscle over the past year and a half of getting in shape. I do still have the "i look fat in this shirt" complex, but otherwise I'm great. I can't wait till summer when stage 3 of Skips shirtlessness effect will take place. :-)

[anabolic1]

i am only 16 and i have matured vastly beyound my years and I will not go into the details, but I have lost about 30lbs of fat and gained about 20 lbs in muscle i got as low as 142 i am 56 and currently 148lbs, and at one point was 178 of pure fat, now i still experience this now and then and after time it has gotten better i felt depressed almost and been i guess in a state of withdrawal b ecause you tried so hard and so much to get to this point and once you do you sometimes feel like damn why arent i as happy as i thought and you sort of get depressed because you put your all into it to find that being lean or thin or musular doesnt exactly equate into happiness, you still have to pay the bills, do this and that....so it gets to you me only being 16 and i equate it to s choolwork but i guess the older guys here have it much worse equating it to paying bills taking care of children and a lot more stressful stuff, now i went into all the details but damn, basically it can be either one of these things,

1. you feel depressed because you learned that being thin doesnt automatically equate to happiness and you feel sort of "drained" thats the perfect word for it, and you end up feeling tired all the time and draiend and it affects your workouts and mentally its exhausting and it makes you feel like doing nothing most of the time and in some people that cant deal with it they stop working out and go back into their old self and thus causing a further depression and and its a vicious cyucle dont let this happen to you.
2. you now feel in a state of withdrawal and you feel empty and you feel like a new person and if you still are unsatisfied with your body, this can get ugly.... you feel like part of you is gone and you are getting to now yourself all over again and you feel sort of reborn and new.... sort of which why is fitness is a "lifestyle" dont ever forget that, people who managed to make this a "lifestyle and are successful tune in their body and mind to help them on thieir jeourney, REMEMBER THIS VISUALIZATION IS KEY ll cool J my idol once said IF THE MAN CAN CONCEIVE IT THEN THE MAN CAN ACHIEVE IT now this might sound corny but if you visualize and tune in body and mind and picture and envision it then its your nothing can stop you now its all up to your mind and body to guide you and shield you through all the pain and sacrifices, but remember LOVE IS PAIN and learn to love your pain and make pain your love and you will learn not to even feel the pain and it will just become a sign of you achieving success and it will become a feeling you wil llearn to thrive one.
3. lack of support,lack of motivation,and lack of vision you got to learn to see it and see the bigger picture and know that it is for the better, also most importantly the human body HATES CHANGE it establishes homeostasis and it applies it to all of its processes, thus you must plan and set your mind thoughts and processes to that of your new body and tune your mind to how you want to be how to learn to not need that extra piece of cake for comfort and support and not need food for comfort, you will need to adjust your body because you will feel stripped and you will feel weird because your body has changed and you have to adjust yourself to it and battle it dont lose over these mental hurdles over time you can and will succeed, dont forget visualization is key dont ever lose sight of that.
TIPS ON HOW TO FIX THIS AND FEEL BETTER....
1. do things that take your mind off working out and food all the time, get a hobby, if your a jock like me this should be easy, go out and play sports and just stay a ctive.
2. spend more time with your family and talk and converse and tell them how you feel and tell them how you feel and embrace them and they should ease your pain.
3. THIS ONE HAS HELPED ME THE MOST, get a girlfriend, and you will find she will make all of your pain and sacrifices feel good and you will feel like you have a reason to live and areason to go on everyday, she will be the one who keeps you going in the morning in the workout and you will just feel better period, this happened to me, and while we have had problems the first time you and her spend the night and time to gether its heaven , and its like popping ex for the first time, or the first time you ate delicous slice of ice cream cake....LOL, befroe i leave you guys I just want to say do what you need to do do what you feel is right and what makes you feel good and go out and LIVE dont dwell on it like i have in that pass, just get that deep feeling inside of you that last peak of energy that tells you to keep going and that faint beat of energy that spark that keeps you going and haunts you on the weekends when you indulge on that slice of cake, listen to it and listen to yourself and most of all never stop, cant stop wont stop....
if you need any help on this i can really help and reccommend books, also theres a book called "charisma and its hidden virtues" i believe and it can really help you and a lot more stuff from personal experienc my screen name is ecuasfinest17 take care.

Richard

[LadyStarlight]

Ok, all these replies have made good points. However, you said you are halfway there....and that is different from what the replies have addressed so far. first, you've obviously lost a helluva lot of weight in a pretty damn short time. You have lost.....wait, maybe 1/3 of who you were? while you're excited about your progress and your future progress, it makes sense that there needs to be a period of adjustment while your mind gets used to the new you. there is a strong connetion between mind and body, afterall.....no matter if we don't like or like our body, it is the tangible of us. Saying goodbye to things is always difficult....even if the change is for the better, you know? As humans we get comfortable where we are......Richard (above) was right....the human body and the human mind will resist change. That's why we fall into the same old patterns. There's been a huge lifestyle change for you........as well as a body change.

From a female perspective.....I gained weight, almost consciously, because 1) from adolescene on, I felt uncomfortable being perceived (and leered at) as a sexual object. I was a molested kid, and this is fairly common for them I think. Yet at the same time I felt horrible being fat and unattractive . Really a no-win situation, but being invisible was the choice I made. 2) While I didn't want to be fat, I didn't want to be little me either.....I would look at bulkier females and something in it would appeal to me....their strength and their apparent disregard for society's pressures. 3) There was a large amount of self-loathing and non-existent self-worth.

Losing weight...I managed to get myself to a lowest weight since college only after I developed "**** the world attitude, if other people deserve this, (this being fill in the blank, NOT specifically about losing weight) I do too". See, for a long time I really didn't think I deserved....fill in the blank here, whatever it is that makes people happy.

I never did think that losing weight would make me happy. I know my life is much more complicated than that.....just as being independently wealthy won't make me happy. But I do know it takes away many huge negatives in my life and makes it much better.

I tend to always like to be working on some big project or plan or another, though, and there was a sense of, hmmm......now what? There always is a bit of sense of emptiness when a big project is over with. Luckily tough, it's not ever over....there's always more to work on and my legs are sure proving this.

Well I don't know if any of this appies to you or others.....but there it is.

[motorcyclemom40]

I dont know if it is the same for men as it is for women but it is pretty common for women to go on the emotional roller coaster ride after a big weight loss in a short amount of time because of hormones. We women store female hormones in our fat stores, when we lose a lot of fat in a short amount of time it really screws up the balance. Before I started my weight loss journey the natural way I looked into getting weight loss surgery and depression was one of the major side effects of the surgery and the resulting fat loss. It is so bad that some obesity surgeons automatically make you see a psyc. dr. and get an antidepressent before the surgery.

Also after a big weight loss the people around you start treating you diffrently, and not everyone may be happy about the changes that you are making in your self. Some folks may be jealous, because you are doing it when they need to. Others may feel left out. Many couples end up splitting up after one looses a lot of weight. I know a lot of folks on the board doesn't like dr. Phill but he really helps with the head game that goes along with weight loss. You don't need his help with the diet and exercise it seems like you have that down, besides this forum is the best thing for that. Sheila

[Bily Lovec]

good topic guys !
Ive also been there, done that.... lost 65lbs, added 15 back as LMM, my issue, no matter how good you look and feel, always in the back of your mind, you still have the "fatboy" mentality

I have noticed you know who your friends are, people you've known for years, some are very happy and congraduatory over your success, and others just ignore your accomplishments..
plus people treat you so different based on your looks, Ive noticed some girls used to think they were too good for you, now its the total opposite, they are uncomfortable around you cause your better looking than them now

[anabolic1]

Originally posted by Bily Lovec
good topic guys !
Ive also been there, done that.... lost 65lbs, added 15 back as LMM, my issue, no matter how good you look and feel, always in the back of your mind, you still have the "fatboy" mentality

I have noticed you know who your friends are, people you've known for years, some are very happy and congraduatory over your success, and others just ignore your accomplishments..
plus people treat you so different based on your looks, Ive noticed some girls used to think they were too good for you, now its the total opposite, they are uncomfortable around you cause your better looking than them now

bump this makes me feel so depressed sometimes and empty for some reason, because when i was fat and different, girls treated me different, like if they were ugly or were gaining weight or were shallow and insecure about themselves, they would look for me the "fat kid" who they needed to be with to feel secure and strong, they would talk to me all the time and have good conversations, but now that im really lean and different a whole new me, they DONT EVEN TALK TO ME!!!! they wont even say hi and they look at me with a face of disgust and with like a jealous evil look liek if they have never seen me before, and ITs because they feel overpowered and insecure by my apperance that they know feel threatened by my presense, and i felt embarrased because I never wanted to be better than the next person well I do now, because i realized that I work my ass of and i deserve as much recognition as the joe next to me, It kind of made me feeel bad for a while, Until i can tell i never gave up I could tell that I was r ight there and my body gradually I could feel was reaching homeostatis and felt new and I had reached my "comfort zone" and now i feel great, the bad part was over I feel ambitious and feel like going for it all and reaching new peaks and heights that ive only once dreamt off, I no longer feel embarrased or ashamed or had withdrawal feeling, I had now tuned my body and my mind and as one we now feel "comfort" and are no longer scared nor hesistant to achieve new heights as long as I periodize my body and make slow changes and ascend forward my body will aid and agree to help me, but IT tells me to take it slow and never try to peak to fast and I have made real good changes, for instance I now do for cardio, a jogging slash running session none stop for 45 minutes at pretty good intensity, where as before i would barely walk for 45 minutes not even breaking a sweat because i wanted to stay in my comfort zone, though I might be getting a little off track, this is still pretty relevant to the thread, where the tuning and vizualing aspect must peak in order to ascend to the changes, now when i pass by the hotties I have a feeling of new and a feeling of yeah recognize girl, its me n you and im here to scoop you up its just me N U, I no longer go up to the girl and now feel ashamed or "not good enough" to talk to the girl and the "fat kid" mindframe is gone its now the lean mean kid, that pimps the girls, not the old "fat kid who settles for the pizza and fat girl". just people out there never quit and never give up and PERIODIZE and VIZUALIZE changes never go to fast and try to lose weight to fast or peak to fast because you will end up physically overtrainined overwhelmed and stresesd out and will not make the phychological changes needed which is just as if not more important than the physical part, remember people who dont DO THIS PART will always end up YO YO DIETING and YO YO PHYSICALLY you know the old "fat kid" "lean kid" back and forth, dont let it tget to you and dont eoverlook this aspect, pick up good books about periodizing and reaching it to your peak, and pick up boooks like "this is me" and other books that can help you books about helping you to adjust to the new you and keeping you "Focused" and ready, dont ever give up guys ever, when you feel all ready to give up and drop, and you ahve no energy left and you feel like its all worthless and your right about to pick up that cake thats when your body is getting ready to change and burn that layer of fat and is getting ready to take it to the next level, and that discomfort is your body adapting and reaching a new homeostasis mentally and physically, this is why top athletes see phychologists as well as nutritionists, well g2g guys keep posting and let me know what you thinkg about my posts i hope i helped you guys a lot peace...

"make a move wont ya, think i wont take it to ya peak i know these other cats dont" -ll cool J

[nwfanatic]

I agree with previous posters that this is an overlooked topic. I have no expertise in psychology, but I do have some experience with massive weight loss and can share some personal thoughts.

I'm down 240 lbs - to about 245 - which as it happens is pretty "light" for my 6'3" frame. Needless to say, my appearance is completely and totally different and people I have not seen during the last year do not recognize me. At all. I'm at a different life-stage then most of the younger posters in this thread - late 30's, married w/ kids, etc. And that is a big difference, but I've been fat all my life save 2 trips to normalcy - one 10 years ago, and one now. Given this experience I feel equipped to comment about that part for any age

Here are some simple observations I've made. Some of these are pretty cynnical, but I call 'em as I've seen em.

1. The world is nearly entirely driven by aesthetics. When the way you look is too far outside the bell-curve you will be treated differently. The farther "outside" the norm you are, the more unusual people's reactions to you will be. The catch here folks is that as the one on the outside, you learn to deal with these reactions. This is how the world "behaves" to you. People are standoffish, tend to scowl, might make fun or look on you with disgust, etc. Having grown up and/or living in this kind of reality I guarantee your personality and "world view" will adapt to your current reality. No way any of us as human beings can avoid this. The corrolary to this is, of course, when your appearance changes radically, so will the "world's behavior", and thus, you will feel like a fish out of water.
2. There is a very real adjustment you need to make when you start to look normal. I remember VIVIDLY the first time a woman was the slightest bit flirtatious with me - this during my 10-years-ago trip to skinny. I was shopping for clothes and the salesperson was all smiles, very friendly. I literally had no idea how to respond. I had *never* been in that situation before. In my case I simply never created the social skills associated with this kind of social interaction. In a very real sense I had a lot to learn. There are 100's of tiny interactions that are strange and taken together the world looks pretty strange to the newly skinny.
3. I don't think I ever got comfortable with the "skinny" kind of interaction - not then and not now. To this day I don't really know how to respond, how to have "meaningless" or small-talk conversations with people. My only conversations would have been with those who knew me over time - family, some very good friends (luckily), and even some good female friends, but these were friends, not unknowns. To this day I feel like the awkward teenager at parties. Can't figure out small talk. Can't make it, start it, or really stay interested in it. Just wasn't a part of my life except in my current physical form. As such, this basic skill was something I never really developed and maybe, given my age, never will.
4. Not only does the world around you start behaving differently, there is pressure associated with your new appearance. Pressure to maintain it, pressure to behave like others that look the same (e.g. normal), and have the same social sills as others with that appearance. This is my experience anyway. You don't really feel "normal" looking the way you do. What is "safe", what is "comfortable", is what the world worked like when you were fat. Sooooo, you have pressure to stay the way you are but the place you know stems from your old appearence. The deck isn't stacked well.

So - how to deal? Frankly, I don't think I have any credible answer to this question having not succeeded for long enough to earn the right to say I know the answer. I can tell you what I think about:
1. Living long enough to see my kids grow up and be a father and husband to my family. This is what started my latest fitness tirade.
2. I consider myself like an alcoholic. Different disease, same type of behavior. This war (it ain't a battle, its a combination of tons of different battles, a "war"...) is one I will fight every day of the rest of my life. I will fight it one day at a time. I am excited to say it is getting easier because...
3. Positive results are amazingly reinforcing. Every little win - first pounds of fat, then strength, then fitness/endurance, then body comp, etc. builds on itself and reinforces previous wins and drives me to the next one. You must must must focus on the positive aspects of what has been accomplished and give yourself time to adjust to the "weird world" that greets you every day. It will get less "weird" as you adapt.
4. The people around you may react negatively to your success. This is unavoidable and frankly, not just related to weight-loss. People will envy your power and control over something which they lack power and control over. This would be true of success in the workplace, financially, social skill/dating, etc. etc. Some folks just don't handle success and change in their acquaintences well. It's ok because - their behavior indicates YOUR powerful, YOUR succeeding and YOU are the one in control. Never forget that!!!

Well, those are my ramblings on this topic. Would be great if there were specific books or recommended resources to help people thru this kind of change. Sometimes I feel like a blind man with a cane feeling my way thru it...

[anabolic1]

i think this should be sticky material, a lot of stuff here is a very important in losing weight and is just as important as the physical aspect of losing weight, many people who have these issues should post here and share there stories with others who have gone through the same route and can help others, mods please think about this, thanks...

[madara]

Wow. Thank you all very much for replying, I was afraid I touched on "taboo" subject so it means alot that you all shared. I'm just so shocked I feeling anything but pure glee. What my PT said to me one time was so true, this is ultimate battle for me, MS vs Me and for first time in so very long I'm winning. I'm under NDA so I cant mention study I in but first time in over decade I have chance "return to real world" so speak. If progress continues in few months I be able totaly ditch the cane and start biking, swimming, dancing, driving, all things people take for granted will finally be in reach. How I longed for that day be out this nightmare, well even partially, so its confusing to me to have these negative emotions, feeling of loneliness,etc.
It seems I may always have alot chronic pain, some tremors, vertigo, and blasted MS fatique that needs 15 hours sleep aday keep me functioning. Maybe this is problem? I setting myself up abit,thinking I can continue where I leave off as teen before this began. Plus I feel huge pressure the second I can walk ( cuz that is all anyone or SSI I sure cares about the visual, let alone dozens of other nonvisible symptoms) to rush school and get career being 31 already and all. Cuz I been done that road before my diagnos I was "lazy" by my family, unmoviated, etc. I guess I feel I have alot to prove now if given second chance. That was plan, go this fall but at this point I just dont see how. I sure shrink could help some but not on my budget at this time and I rather not be on any anti depressants meds as I did that few years before and felt even more tired and foggy. I glad I left these detials out of first post because I felt what I was feeling was not based on "my special circumstances". So thanks again for posts, its fair sign this will pass as I deal all new stuff going on.

[Gloggy]

Originally posted by motorcyclemom40
Also after a big weight loss the people around you start treating you diffrently, and not everyone may be happy about the changes that you are making in your self.

Very inciteful. When I first went on my diet I didn't consider this aspect at all. However it has had a major impact on me. I never realised how many self-destructive people there were around me. This is one aspect of weight loss I haven't been enjoying at all. It's like people are determined to stop you dead in your tracks.

[Stannian]

This is a great thread. I love reading others experiences that are close to my own. I too have noticed the change in people's behavior towards me, as well as mine towards them. Just one thing that I don't like about losing the wight is all the attention you get. I am not one who would like to be the center of attention at all, and everyone always brings it up and makes me feel awkward, but very good at the same time. I also hate when people say that I am too skinny now. I tell them that I am on a diet and they ask why? I start wondering if I am really getting too skinny, and If I have a disorder or something. But everytime I look at the scale and it says 18% body fat, I want to keep going. I am almost there, and people telling me that I am too skinny is not going to stop me. I guess they just forgot what I used to look like when I was 45 lbs heavier.

[jdel80]

WOW, seems I'm not alone, I hate to say that I too have friends and family that at times almost seem to cut me out. I somtimes wonder if I am getting in too deep, I have lost just over 100lbs, and for 5'-9" at 178lbs, I'm sure I look good, but I still see that BF% staring me in the face. I will probably always see myself as "fat", but I know I'm not. I have noticed that a couple of what I call my best friends are now more than ever drifting away, I guess there tired of listening to me trying to sound proud of what I've done in 3.5 years. But I can happily say that my wife and two kids are ALWAYS right there, and after all I'm not the only one I'm doing this for ....................................

[Stannian]

Yeah, I forgot about how my friends are fading away. I'm not sure if it's because I am not with them as much because I workout now or what, but they are slowly drifting away. Also, I can tell that my girlfriend gets frustrated when I tell her that I'm going home to workout, and when I don't ever eat the food she makes. But she is very understanding about it, and I am doing this for her too, so she better be understanding.

[BigTof83]

I, myself, lost 210 lbs. I have often been quoted in saying "I wish I were still fat!" Mainly because my mentality went from "Upbeat chubby guy" to questioning everything and worrying about the smallest things. Going out to bars and clubs with friends used to be fantastic! Dancing, talking, laughing all night; Just having a great time. I noticed, tho, after losing the first 30 lbs these things were no longer enjoyable. I worried about how I looked, I worried about how everyone was starting to see me,. "Wow he's lost weight but he still needs to..." I eventually slipped into a depression - like state which was only magnified with each lb I lost. I began to feel more distant and self concious which oddly enough was never felt at 430 lbs. I shyed away from friends, being in any public setting, even distanced myself from family. But before I really got into that mode, some friends disowned me, and various family members literally stopped speaking to me. Just people I had known my entire life acted like they hadn't known me. Then it hit me, and being a Psychology student it made sense: They DIDN'T know me, hell, I didn't even know myself anymore. As small as the pound loss in the beginning (compared to now) when I started to feel this way, it wasn't small to my body or my mind. It wasn't realized like, I dunno how to put it, "My foot hurts so I'm in pain"..you know? It wasn't that obvious because in my head it was simply 30 lbs gone, 40 lbs gone, 90 lbs gone, 140 lbs gone and nothing more. You are physically changing and it's the same as having a leg removed or an arm cut off; It isn't there and somewhere you don't feel complete. You are not the same person to your family and friends. In some cases the people around you feel left out "His diet is more important than anything else." Scary thing is, you even begin to think that. The person I was with at the time suffered a lot from that feeling of abandonment. I was going to the gym more, I didn't want to go out to dinner because I was watching my fat intake, etc etc. It's hard for them to understand that this is for them as well as yourself. My only relief was talking to family and friend, building that bond back. Showing them I was still the guy they knew, just not wearing a size 50 jean anymore. Most importantly I began to tell myself that. I'm still the same ol' sumbitch haha. With that came everything else, ie going back into public, going out and making friends (old and new) and just living it up. I dunno if this has helped anyone or anything, It's the main reason I posted (which is the first time doing so after years of reading posts on this forum) Forgive the poor spelling and lack of paragraphs, I had no idea I would ramble on that long haha.

Side Note to Stannian: I'm 6'7 and now 220 lbs, I get the "you're too skinny" thing a lot also. Mainly from guys who knew me when I was very obese (which is why they're saying it) Feels good doesn't it? haha

[jdel80]

1st thing "BigTof83" GOOD FOR YOU, for loosing 210, and 2nd GREAT post ...... You may not have touched everyone but I see things a little diff now.

[Willy Beans]

I know of a good psychotherapist in which you can talk to. He is mine. He goes by the name "Wilhelm" and he listens. He's a great doctor. This is his picture -- it's during a psychological session (he's looking at a patient lying down):

[Bob G 77]

I had no idea of the reverse effect I felt when I lost a ton of weight. I felt great, excited, confident, everything I was looking for. Ihave gained some back and I am cutting now. Like you all have said though, I have the fatboy mentality in the back of my head too. Good topic though... never see this discussed.

[Mike83]

I feel you all guys and girls.

I lost around 100lbs if not more.

I think to myself, how much different my life would of been if I had this mentality back then, Im 20 right now. I think about how school would of been, how different people would of treated me.
But you cant dwell on the past, things happen for reasons, all you have is the future and memories. Work on that, the future 99percent.

Its kind of weird how people you knew when you were heavy treat you different know. Its like they dont know what to say or do.

Im proud of all of you

[madara]

Wow Bigtof! Amazing post, thanks alot for sharing
Willy I like therapist, true true! Though my cat not been in listening mood lately, she does not understand why she cant sleep on my stomach last week. Darn GERD. I lost near 100lbs now and it still flairs up bad enough put into starvation mode and not let you excerise or sleep! I get past this hurdle(next few months to about June) and then I sure I made it! Just wish my body stop fighting against me!

I feel alot more confident I dont think waste much time returning to younger out going high school mentality. I think my only hangs up are going to be stretch marks, loose skin and having to get dentures chipping at my new confidence. It depends on how bad stretch marks get past now and how people react to them as whole when I try swimming again. I already saving $300 I use spend on junk/crappy food a month for admonial surgery, sadly that may take 2 straight years to afford that let alone my droppy arms P

[sillygirl]

I relate to this as well. I feel this need to always categorize myself and find my "identity", which I imagine comes from having an identical twin sister. I was borderline overweight & depressed when I graduated highschool, and then launched into a vicious cycle of anorexia and became severely underweight.

I'm recovering right now, and for once in my life, I'm taking really good care of myself- I've returned to a very healthy weight, I've been hitting the gym hard and lifting weights to regain some muscle that I lost through starvation. I look healthy. I've put in a lot of hard work and I'm happy with how things are going so far. I was a bit of an ugly duckling growing up, and I really look completely different now. I've done a complete 180.

But I'm still having problems with this. I don't know how to handle this "transformation". I get comments- guys hit on me a lot now, ask me out on dates, and I honestly have no idea what to do. Part of me still wants to run back and "hide" behind a "wall" of fatness or a "wall" of anorexia. Sometimes, I feel like it's (sadly) the only thing I can relate to. It's what I'm "best" at. I hate being vulnerable. I hate having to come out of this "shell" I've been hiding in.

In the past, I always had an excuse. That guy didn't like me because I was fat. That guy didn't like me because I was too thin. But now? What if they don't like my personality? What if they think I'm still a huge dork trapped in a (relatively hot) woman's body? What if they find me boring?

The people I work with think I'm so odd- they think I should have 2304308 hot dates lined up on weekend nights. And by all means, I should and I probably could. But I don't. I find it easier to hide at home instead of making myself vulnerable.

I don't know if this is making any sense, but I'm glad I found this thread. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes...

[sillygirl]

Originally posted by nwfanatic
[B]To this day I feel like the awkward teenager at parties. Can't figure out small talk. Can't make it, start it, or really stay interested in it. Just wasn't a part of my life except in my current physical form.

And I'd also like to say that THIS really hit the nail on the head for me....I know exactly what you mean, nwfanatic. It's so weird!

[BigTof83]

Originally posted by sillygirl
I find it easier to hide at home instead of making myself vulnerable.

I know exactly how that feels. The only difference is now I'm getting out of it. I felt shamed to an extent, if that makes any sense. I don't know if anyone else felt that or feels that. I didn't want people to know I used to be very heavy; Even though I was mentally happier then. It came from still having that sort of "fat boy" mentality as a few have said. No idea who I was without the weight. My entire existence all I had known was an "overweight life". Did they have the same reation when I laughed? Did they think there was another motive behind it besides "Hey, that's funny!" Just on and on and on.

[nwfanatic]

sillygirl - congrats on your recent good health. It's great to hear this!

w.r.t. going out and taking chances with others - the "vulnerable" thing - if you're like me this will improve only slowly. I don't know if it's at all helpful or interesting, but I'll share my experience in this domain. The guy vs girl context probably makes this radically different for you, but maybe there's some commonality. I will say that its worth the risks if you manage to be successful in this domain!!

During my 10-year-ago skinny existence, maybe a year went by before much of anything happened at all in the dating department. I think my lack of confidence and nervousness was obvious - and probably not particularly inviting Eventually a woman actually pursued me. (go figure...) Predictably, the first time this happened I 1) missed what was going on, 2) misread her intentions as wanting friendship vs. more, 3) delayed too long like an idiot, and 4) screwed up basically the only date we had. A shining example of what not to do. The next time it happened (months later...) I managed to get "closer" to the person - but got so damn scared when it happened that I freaked out and ended it. I can't tell you how petrified I was to be having an actual "relationship" with someone else. The loss of control was overwhelming for me. Couldn't take it. Maybe 2 weeks into it and I couldn't sleep at night and couldn't deal - and so told her I couldn't see her any more. Nice guy eh? She thought I was crazy and mean. Not far off the mark as it happens...

But, there is a happy ending in that the third time it happened (again, months later) things worked out better - thru some combination of the other person's measured approach, my previous failures (and learnings) to that point, timing, chemistry, and of course, luck - the third pursuer became my wife. Maybe I should have capitalized "LUCK".

The keys for me were time, failure (sucks but had I not tried and failed I would have screwed up the relationship with my wife instead of the others!), time between failures to reflect, learn, and grow, and having people persue me in the first place (very different for guys and girls so I don't know how to map this to your situation...pursuing guys I gather is more common now but I guess I'm ill equipped to know)

fwiw...

[Bily Lovec]

this is a good topic... UP, to the TOP ! !

[LadyStarlight]

Originally posted by BigTof83
I know exactly how that feels. The only difference is now I'm getting out of it. I felt shamed to an extent, if that makes any sense. I don't know if anyone else felt that or feels that. I didn't want people to know I used to be very heavy; Even though I was mentally happier then. It came from still having that sort of "fat boy" mentality as a few have said. No idea who I was without the weight. My entire existence all I had known was an "overweight life". Did they have the same reation when I laughed? Did they think there was another motive behind it besides "Hey, that's funny!" Just on and on and on.

Yup, I was ashamed of it too, and still am. But it's getting better, I guess. Funny thing is, even the most critical person I know doesn't look down on me for it......he even befriended me when I was fat.....