AMRIS Please Offer Me Advice:Pregnancy

[MY-LIFE-IS-OVER]

I need a little guidance.....

To make it quick, my girlfriend of 8 months is pregnant and in previous conversations we talked and it was made clear that if she ever did get pregnant, the both of us did not want to have children at this point in our lives and would not keep it. Now that she is pregant (5 weeks) she is dead set against abortion. I understand her feelings, but how do I cope with the betrayal that I feel?

[drjjg]

I need a little guidance.....

To make it quick, my girlfriend of 8 months is pregnant and in previous conversations we talked and it was made clear that if she ever did get pregnant, the both of us did not want to have children at this point in our lives and would not keep it. Now that she is pregant (5 weeks) she is dead set against abortion. I understand her feelings, but how do I cope with the betrayal that I feel?

Just tell her what your bb.com username is.

[Eh?]

The best thing to do, honestly man, is own up to it. Step back and take a deep breath. You're responsible, you're gonna have a child, it's just how it's going to be. You can worry about it all day and think you're ****ed, or you can look at your life for the next 9 months and be prepared for the day it comes out.

[Amris]

I need a little guidance.....

To make it quick, my girlfriend of 8 months is pregnant and in previous conversations we talked and it was made clear that if she ever did get pregnant, the both of us did not want to have children at this point in our lives and would not keep it. Now that she is pregant (5 weeks) she is dead set against abortion. I understand her feelings, but how do I cope with the betrayal that I feel?

I need to make it clear what you are asking me before I can help you.

It goes against my moral beliefs to help you convince her to have an abortion, because I do not morally agree with abortion as birth control.

If you have accepted the fact that she has made this decision, and you are asking me to help you deal with the emotions surrounding it, then I will be happy to do my best for you and her. It seems that this is what you are asking, but I want to be sure before I proceed, as it would be pointless for both of us if I went on about ways to cope with your feelings when what you were honestly asking is, "how do I get her to do it?"

[MY-LIFE-IS-OVER]

I just feel betrayed by my girlfirend. How do you get over this? I basically feel that I was lied to. How am I to trust what comes out of her mouth? To be honest with you, I do feel she is making the wrong decision by keeping the baby, and I am still trying to convince her not to keep it.

[RippedRebeL]

I need a little guidance.....

To make it quick, my girlfriend of 8 months is pregnant and in previous conversations we talked and it was made clear that if she ever did get pregnant, the both of us did not want to have children at this point in our lives and would not keep it. Now that she is pregant (5 weeks) she is dead set against abortion. I understand her feelings, but how do I cope with the betrayal that I feel?

haha say hello to 18 years of taking care of a kid. Let me make it clear for you.

1. No more going out.
2. Less Female "friends" in your life
3. Constant crying.
4. Endless nights awake.
5. changing diapers/ feeding/burping/ getting them dressed
6. The terrible 2's
7. Backtalking as a teen
8. Possible child support

The list goes on and on.

*points and laughs*

[adoniscomplex]

your nearly 30 , were you planning on never having a kid ?

[1/2man1/2amazin]

threaten to kill yourself by eating until you explode.

[MY-LIFE-IS-OVER]

your nearly 30 , were you planning on never having a kid ?

I honestly was not sure if I ever wanted kids before this.

[Amris]

Have you explained this to her? That she has now destroyed trust?

There are two problems at work here. The first thing that you need to do, for your own sake, is realize that you gave up your destiny to her. When you made the active, purposeful choice to quit wearing condoms, you gave up your future to her choices, and her ability to take her pill.

It's very easy to look at her and be angry, but I recommend that FIRST, you look at, and accept the part your own choices played here. The reason for that is because as you move forward, you will have a greater sense of awareness of when you make not-wise decisions.

The first thing that I recommend is that you take some time away from her. Tell her that you need time to sort out your feelings and that you need time apart.

Now, everyone in your and her life will get all up-in-arms about it. But the thing is, you MUST make it absolutely clear to her that she has screwed up HUGELY here. You also MUST make absolutely clear the fact that she MIGHT be doing this whole thing alone with nothing but your financial support, which would be forced upon you.

The problem here is that she feels like now that she's pregnant, she calls all the shots.

The thing you need to understand here, is that you do NOT have to stay with her. I would personally prefer that you take a week away from her, and go back to her. I would personally prefer that every child have a father that is active and constant in their life.

But that's a choice that you DO get to make. YES, you WILL have to pay financially. There's no doubt about that, no question about that. But that is ALL you have an actual LEGAL obligation to do.

Again, I would seriously and honestly prefer that you be there in more ways than that, and I DO feel that you have a moral obligation to do so. This woman didn't have sex with herself.

That being said, you do NOT have to accept her obvious belief that she calls all the shots. You do NOT have to support her attitude that she can do whatever she wants to do and there are no consequences. A week to think about what she has done here should be sufficient to get the two of you back onto even footing.

If she wants your support during this time, she owes you an apology. Because you are right, she DID LIE to you. And without her sincere and honest apology for doing so, the relationship has no merit upon which to proceed.

I hope that you can work it out with her after a few days apart. If you cannot, however, DO NOT stay only for the sake of the child. If you truly choose not to trust her (remember, trust is always a CHOICE), or if she refuses to accept that she owes you an apology, and you feel unable to be with her because of it...

Then you must leave and only fulfil your financial obligation. Because a resentful, unwilling father is worse than no father. Expect, however, that if you completely abandon your child and make no efforts towards the child at all, it will one day come back to haunt you.

Being there for the child, and fulfilling your duty financially does NOT require you to stay with his mother. It is optimal and best that you and she be together to show him the way that relationships can work out despite everything.

But it is NOT optimal for you to stay and hate them both for ruining your life.

[RippedRebeL]

Have you explained this to her? That she has now destroyed trust?

There are two problems at work here. The first thing that you need to do, for your own sake, is realize that you gave up your destiny to her. When you made the active, purposeful choice to quit wearing condoms, you gave up your future to her choices, and her ability to take her pill.

It's very easy to look at her and be angry, but I recommend that FIRST, you look at, and accept the part your own choices played here. The reason for that is because as you move forward, you will have a greater sense of awareness of when you make not-wise decisions.

The first thing that I recommend is that you take some time away from her. Tell her that you need time to sort out your feelings and that you need time apart.

Now, everyone in your and her life will get all up-in-arms about it. But the thing is, you MUST make it absolutely clear to her that she has screwed up HUGELY here. You also MUST make absolutely clear the fact that she MIGHT be doing this whole thing alone with nothing but your financial support, which would be forced upon you.

The problem here is that she feels like now that she's pregnant, she calls all the shots.

The thing you need to understand here, is that you do NOT have to stay with her. I would personally prefer that you take a week away from her, and go back to her. I would personally prefer that every child have a father that is active and constant in their life.

But that's a choice that you DO get to make. YES, you WILL have to pay financially. There's no doubt about that, no question about that. But that is ALL you have an actual LEGAL obligation to do.

Again, I would seriously and honestly prefer that you be there in more ways than that, and I DO feel that you have a moral obligation to do so. This woman didn't have sex with herself.

That being said, you do NOT have to accept her obvious belief that she calls all the shots. You do NOT have to support her attitude that she can do whatever she wants to do and there are no consequences. A week to think about what she has done here should be sufficient to get the two of you back onto even footing.

If she wants your support during this time, she owes you an apology. Because you are right, she DID LIE to you. And without her sincere and honest apology for doing so, the relationship has no merit upon which to proceed.

I hope that you can work it out with her after a few days apart. If you cannot, however, DO NOT stay only for the sake of the child. If you truly choose not to trust her (remember, trust is always a CHOICE), or if she refuses to accept that she owes you an apology, and you feel unable to be with her because of it...

Then you must leave and only fulfil your financial obligation. Because a resentful, unwilling father is worse than no father. Expect, however, that if you completely abandon your child and make no efforts towards the child at all, it will one day come back to haunt you.

Being there for the child, and fulfilling your duty financially does NOT require you to stay with his mother. It is optimal and best that you and she be together to show him the way that relationships can work out despite everything.

But it is NOT optimal for you to stay and hate them both for ruining your life.

OMG you have to be joking *QUICK SOMEONE COLIN*

[wontquitever]

first i thought u were some 16yr then i would feel bad...but ur 30 man u should be able to easily support a child..its not like you go to school and still live with your parents..most men your age have a child or two.

[MY-LIFE-IS-OVER]

You really have made it clear on how I am feeling. I do want to be in my childs life and I would prefer to be together with her. I just do not see how I can stay with this girl. You are right, some time off would be the best. She does feel that she is calling all the shots at little or no loss to her. She knows that I am willing to give it my best to stay with her and my child. Maybe this will cause her to rethink things a little. It just feels so wrong to leave her alone right now, but I have to realize that it is for the best.


Thank you again Amris!!

[Amris]

I just feel betrayed by my girlfirend. How do you get over this? I basically feel that I was lied to. How am I to trust what comes out of her mouth? To be honest with you, I do feel she is making the wrong decision by keeping the baby, and I am still trying to convince her not to keep it.

Unfortunately, that is not your choice. You made the decision to trust her and not wear condoms. That is a choice you must live with for the rest of your life.

She may simply have changed. When she became pregnant, it was a lot harder choice to go kill the baby off because she was stupid and didn't use birth control properly, than it was to claim she would.

Sometimes things are FAR more morally ambiguous when you're not facing them directly. It's easy to SAY you'd kill an unborn child, but sometimes actually doing so isn't as easy as it is to give lip service to.

[Amris]

You really have made it clear on how I am feeling. I do want to be in my childs life and I would prefer to be together with her. I just do not see how I can stay with this girl. You are right, some time off would be the best. She does feel that she is calling all the shots at little or no loss to her. She knows that I am willing to give it my best to stay with her and my child. Maybe this will cause her to rethink things a little. It just feels so wrong to leave her alone right now, but I have to realize that it is for the best.


Thank you again Amris!!

Of course it feels wrong. Guilt is one of the ways society protects itself.

However, YOU know that you're not leaving permanently, and that's all you need to know. SHE needs to believe that maybe you WON'T be there to help her get through this, and maybe she had damned well better EARN having you there.

Just because she's pregnant doesn't suddenly make her the ruler of the world. If anything, having gotten pregnant like this makes her LESS desirable to you because of the deciet involved.

There should be consequences for that. And time alone to face the possibility of single motherhood should be sufficient to get the point across to her that, by staying, you are, in essence, doing her a favor.

Yeah, sounds harsh, I know, but that's the truth of things.

And if she wants that favor, she had better recognize that you two are PARTNERS in this, not her and the man she found that she could guilt trip into taking care of her and her baby.

Guilt is a powerful tool. Step back from it and make her think for a while.

She's not doing you a favor by getting pregnant, you're doing her a favor by staying with her DESPITE her getting pregnant.

Time to wake her up to that reality.

[YuMadThough]

Take note people, this is what happens when you dont use a condom and rely on your girlfriend to take birth control

[CandyStripes]

Take note people, this is what happens when you dont use a condom and rely on your girlfriend to take birth control

People get pregnant with condoms too.

To the OP pregnancy is a huge thing, it's easy to say you'll get rid of it but when you're actualling experincing it, it's a whole nother issue. There are women and girls who plan on giving their children up for adoption but during the pregnancy they grow a strong bond with the child and cannot live with themselves knowing they gave their child away.

Are you two sure that she's 100% pregnant?

Lay the cards on the table and tell her how you feel and if she still decides to keep the baby then I think you should own up to your actions and take care of the/your child emotionally, physcially and financially.

[ElMariachi]

Unfortunately, that is not your choice. You made the decision to trust her and not wear condoms. That is a choice you must live with for the rest of your life.

She may simply have changed. When she became pregnant, it was a lot harder choice to go kill the baby off because she was stupid and didn't use birth control properly, than it was to claim she would.

Sometimes things are FAR more morally ambiguous when you're not facing them directly. It's easy to SAY you'd kill an unborn child, but sometimes actually doing so isn't as easy as it is to give lip service to.

I absolutely agree with this. People always say that they will do one thing or another, but they rarely live up to it when the actual situation confronts them. Its easy to talk about something that you feel is unlikely, so when this woman found out that she was pregnant for real, the thought of an abortion likely didn't seem quite as trivial to her anymore.

You can't say that you feel betrayed by her, you can't force her to have an abortion. People change their minds all the time regarding various issues in a relationship. The onus was on you to think with your bigger head over your smaller one.

Now you can face up to that responsibility, accept that yes, there will be a child in this world, a child that is yours, so you have a decision to make regarding just how you will be supporting that child, and the mother as well.

[Ex-Terminator]

I need a little guidance.....

To make it quick, my girlfriend of 8 months is pregnant and in previous conversations we talked and it was made clear that if she ever did get pregnant, the both of us did not want to have children at this point in our lives and would not keep it. Now that she is pregant (5 weeks) she is dead set against abortion. I understand her feelings, but how do I cope with the betrayal that I feel?

You can talk about betrayal all night here, and I'll actually give a degree of credence to your argument, but when all is said and done, you were responsible for preventing this. And when I say "responsible," I don't mean "she agreed that we would get an abortion." I mean that you were responsible for wrapping it up, getting a vasectomy, or just not dipping your wick in the first damned place.

So now you want to murder this unborn child because it's an inconvenience?

Many times on here, you've seen me bash the modern woman and I stand by my reasons. But do you know what? "Men" like yourself are a big part of the reason that society has gone to hell in the past 40 years or so. If this is how you feel about it, you should have just bought a Fleshlight or a RealDoll and stayed at home.

[MY-LIFE-IS-OVER]

Amris I can not thank you enough. Tonight I was supposed to see her and today happens to be the first day that I have expressed to her how betrayed I feel. She knew that I did not want to keep the baby but did not know how I felt about her. You were exactly right in your words. She is calling all the shots and I think my decision to cancel our plans and not see her indefinitely really shocked her. One way or another I want this realationship to work. Child or not.

[MY-LIFE-IS-OVER]

You can talk about betrayal all night here, and I'll actually give a degree of credence to your argument, but when all is said and done, you were responsible for preventing this. And when I say "responsible," I don't mean "she agreed that we would get an abortion." I mean that you were responsible for wrapping it up, getting a vasectomy, or just not dipping your wick in the first damned place.

So now you want to murder this unborn child because it's an inconvenience?

Many times on here, you've seen me bash the modern woman and I stand by my reasons. But do you know what? "Men" like yourself are a big part of the reason that society has gone to hell in the past 40 years or so. If this is how you feel about it, you should have just bought a Fleshlight or a RealDoll and stayed at home.

I respect your opinion...

[ElMariachi]

Amris I can not thank you enough. Tonight I was supposed to see her and today happens to be the first day that I have expressed to her how betrayed I feel. She knew that I did not want to keep the baby but did not know how I felt about her. You were exactly right in your words. She is calling all the shots and I think my decision to cancel our plans and not see her indefinitely really shocked her. One way or another I want this realationship to work. Child or not.

For some reason that really gave me the chills. At this point [OR NOT] is not an option, and if you somehow think it is, then I suggest that you go get professional help immediately, or contact a crisis hotline ASAP.

[MY-LIFE-IS-OVER]

For some reason that really gave me the chills. At this point [OR NOT] is not an option, and if you somehow think it is, then I suggest that you go get professional help immediately, or contact a crisis hotline ASAP.

Like I have said to others, I respect your opinion please respect mine. It is a LEGAL option. You do not have to agree with me. I am referring to abortion in case you were referring to something else.

[Ex-Terminator]

Like I have said to others, I respect your opinion please respect mine. It is a LEGAL option. You do not have to agree with me. I am referring to abortion in case you were referring to something else.

Can she legally get an abortion at eight months pregnant?

[MY-LIFE-IS-OVER]

Can she legally get an abortion at eight months pregnant?

I see where you were confused....She has been my girlfriend for eight months and she is about 5 weeks pregnant. Sorry for the confusion.

[Ex-Terminator]

I see where you were confused....She has been my girlfriend for eight months and she is about 5 weeks pregnant. Sorry for the confusion.

Oh, okay. I read that wrong. Sorry.

[ElMariachi]

Like I have said to others, I respect your opinion please respect mine. It is a LEGAL option. You do not have to agree with me. I am referring to abortion in case you were referring to something else.

Look, an abortion is her choice, not yours, you said she is dead set against it, so unless you are planning on drugging her and doing it yourself, then I really think you need to stop pressuring her like crazy, doing so will only you make you out to be a major creep and drive her to get a restraining order.

You talk so ridiculously about respecting opinions, but in itself, you are failing to respect this woman's own opinion and decision. She is not some invalid that you can control, if she does not wish to have an abortion, there isn't a damn thing on this world, or any other, that you can do about it.

[MY-LIFE-IS-OVER]

Look, an abortion is her choice, not yours, you said she is dead set against it, so unless you are planning on drugging her and doing it yourself, then I really think you need to stop pressuring her like crazy, doing so will only you make you out to be a major creep and drive her to get a restraining order.

You talk so ridiculously about respecting opinions, but in itself, you are failing to respect this woman's own opinion and decision. She is not some invalid that you can control, if she does not wish to have an abortion, there isn't a damn thing on this world, or any other, that you can do about it.

You are right I have no control over her choice. She did have control over what she told me she would do if she got pregnant. Right now abortion is not my main concern. My main concern is learning to get over the betrayal that I feel from her and making this relationship a healthy one for my child. She knows I want her to have an abortion, but that is as far as I can take it.

[Mr Beer]

Make her a couple of gin martinis and polish your stairs with a nice slippery gloss.

[ElMariachi]

You are right I have no control over her choice. She did have control over what she told me she would do if she got pregnant. Right now abortion is not my main concern. My main concern is learning to get over the betrayal that I feel from her and making this relationship a healthy one for my child. She knows I want her to have an abortion, but that is as far as I can take it.

Exactly, as I wrote before

At this point [OR NOT] is not an option

The sooner you accept that she is having this baby, the better you will be prepared to handle the responsibility.