ekk!! BF wants to move in.

[Giggles03]

This seems like an odd place to be posting this, but I don’t really have anyone in RL to discuss with and I really need an outside opinion. I know that giving relationship advice is dangerous, and hard to do when you don’t know the people and the full situation. So I guess this is more of a vent, that an actual question. But if you have any advice, I’d love to hear it.

My boyfriend and I currently live 2 hours apart and we generally see each other on the weekends. We’ve been doing this for 3 years. Up until 6 months ago, he was working retail, which meant he would have to work the occasional weekend. Now he’s decided to try and make a career as a voice-over artist and is taking some online classes and working on a demo, but he has a lot of time to himself during the week and is very lonely. I, on the other hand, work full time as an engineer and right now I'm the only one left in my department so its more demanding that usual.

I am an introvert. I enjoy time to myself. Being around people, even people I love (boyfriend, family, friends, etc.) is stressful. In the past I’ve always been able to find enough time to myself to “decompress,” but now that my boyfriend and I are spending every weekend, all weekend together I’ve been feeling a bit bonkers.

I asked my boyfriend today if I could spend this weekend alone. I have a lot of things I want to get done (put away the Christmas decorations, clean, laundry, errands, food prep, etc.) and it would be a lot easier for me if I could be alone. I would also really enjoy some time to myself, and in some ways need the time. He takes everything very personally, is very needy, and has a fear of abandonment (all things he freely admits), so I knew my asking for this would not go very well.

We got in a huge fight this morning. During the fight I started bringing up some possible compromises, which he kept striking down (like maybe more time the next weekend, or time during the week, or just one day a weekend instead of the whole weekend). I asked him to come up with his own comprises, but he said he didn’t have any so I ended the conversation and asked him to call me back when he had some ideas of his own.

He called me back this evening and his idea was that we should move in together. He would keep his apartment, and would have to go back for a day or two during the week because he has some commitments were he lives, but in his mind we would officially be “living together.”

That just doesn’t make any sense to me and I feel like he’s just really not listening to me. I told him I wanted to find a way to make where we are now work, and his solution was to change the situation by moving in.

I’m really not ready to make the commitment of living together right now. He just starting off on this new career which seems to me to be difficult to break into and very unpredictable. Through in his fear of rejection, and I think the next couple of months are going to very difficult for him and he is going to need a lot of support for me, which I don’t know I can provide if I’m stressed out because I’m trying to get use to the new routine of living together. If we can’t find a solution for the situation we are in now, how is it going to be any easier if we are living together. I don’t know what to do, what to say to him.

[Cara0915]

Ultimately the decision needs to be yours, no one here can make it for you. Assuming you just wanted to vent?

With that said, a relationship shouldn't be added stress to your life. I understand there's always going to be ups and downs but after 3 years don't you think that you should know by now if you can take the next step with this guy? If not, maybe it's time to let go.
From what you wrote it seems like you could take or leave this relationship and he's more invested. I totally understand being kinda a hobbit and needing your alone time, but when spending just a weekend together is stressful maybe you should look into the reason why that is. Is he wanting to go out when you're together and be social and you want to stay home? Is he always on the go and you want the weekends to relax? Those are are things that *should* be able to be compromised on.

[Giggles03]

Ultimately the decision needs to be yours, no one here can make it for you. Assuming you just wanted to vent?

With that said, a relationship shouldn't be added stress to your life. I understand there's always going to be ups and downs but after 3 years don't you think that you should know by now if you can take the next step with this guy? If not, maybe it's time to let go.
From what you wrote it seems like you could take or leave this relationship and he's more invested. I totally understand being kinda a hobbit and needing your alone time, but when spending just a weekend together is stressful maybe you should look into the reason why that is. Is he wanting to go out when you're together and be social and you want to stay home? Is he always on the go and you want the weekends to relax? Those are are things that *should* be able to be compromised on.

Thanks, Cara. Good questions to think about. I do know that ultimately its up to me (and him), but I find it really helpful to get other perspectives.

It isn't spending a whole weekend together that is stressful, its spending every minute of every weekend together that is stress full. He doesn't really care what we do on the weekends and will go along with whatever I suggest, as long as its together. But if I tell him I'm going to go upstairs and read for a couple of hours he feels rejected and hurt and sulks for the rest of the day.

As for my hesitation to take the next step, I think its mostly financial ... right now he's living off of unemployment which is due to run out soon and then he will have to dip into savings while he tries to get this new career up and going. While I don't need my partner to be rich by any means, I do need them to be able to support themselves. Also, this is his second "career change" since we've been together and I'm dreading going through it again. He was so committed and excited when he started his last job but he ended up totally miserable and almost suicidal when things didn't work out like he thought it would. I'm worried that will happen again. When I shared this concern with him and said I just want to make sure his expectations are realistic, his reaction was that I can choose to support him or not. Me asking what his expectations were was apparently not being supportive. When I asked him how he wanted me to support him, he couldn't tell me. ugh!

OK, I'm rambling. Just trying to work things out it my head. Thanks again for your perspective!

[Outdoor Girl]

Hi giggles. I too am an introvert. I get re-energized from my time alone. Over my life I've lived with a number of my boyfriends. Some situations did allow me the time for the "I" in me. One in particular did not, and (as only another "I" could understand) created a very difficult lifestyle with little to no time to recharge.

Only you can know if this is right for you. One thing that sounds a bit geeky but helps me out sometimes is to list pros and cons of a situation on a piece of paper - weird, but it has actually helped me look at a number of important decisions more objectively.

I wish you the best of luck with your decision!

[sonti]

If you guys are in your 30's and been together for 3 years and still don't want to cohabitate (let alone marriage or family or whatever), is this really a relationship worth continuing?

If I was him, I would take it as a sign that you two are not compatible in the long-term. I understand you need your space from him and others in general, but most people wouldn't be happy with that - nothing needy about it. Is this really a suitable partnership?

[Cara0915]

Thanks, Cara. Good questions to think about. I do know that ultimately its up to me (and him), but I find it really helpful to get other perspectives.

It isn't spending a whole weekend together that is stressful, its spending every minute of every weekend together that is stress full. He doesn't really care what we do on the weekends and will go along with whatever I suggest, as long as its together. But if I tell him I'm going to go upstairs and read for a couple of hours he feels rejected and hurt and sulks for the rest of the day.

As for my hesitation to take the next step, I think its mostly financial ... right now he's living off of unemployment which is due to run out soon and then he will have to dip into savings while he tries to get this new career up and going. While I don't need my partner to be rich by any means, I do need them to be able to support themselves. Also, this is his second "career change" since we've been together and I'm dreading going through it again. He was so committed and excited when he started his last job but he ended up totally miserable and almost suicidal when things didn't work out like he thought it would. I'm worried that will happen again. When I shared this concern with him and said I just want to make sure his expectations are realistic, his reaction was that I can choose to support him or not. Me asking what his expectations were was apparently not being supportive. When I asked him how he wanted me to support him, he couldn't tell me. ugh!

OK, I'm rambling. Just trying to work things out it my head. Thanks again for your perspective!

Yeah, I think it's time to seriously think about ending this relationship. I too agree that my man doesn't need to be rich but he needs to be stable and contribute financially as much as I do.
The thing about you going to read for a couple hours... Well I kinda get why he's upset. I mean, you two only have the weekends together, and you're spending a portion of it reading? I'm not saying you need to spend every waking moment together but if I wasn't able to see my guy at all during the week I def wouldn't be spending a few hours reading while we were together.

Life's too short to be in an "in limbo" relationship.

[sonti]

Yeah, I think it's time to seriously think about ending this relationship. I too agree that my man doesn't need to be rich but he needs to be stable and contribute financially as much as I do.
The thing about you going to read for a couple hours... Well I kinda get why he's upset. I mean, you two only have the weekends together, and you're spending a portion of it reading? I'm not saying you need to spend every waking moment together but if I wasn't able to see my guy at all during the week I def wouldn't be spending a few hours reading while we were together.

Life's too short to be in an "in limbo" relationship.

I get why he is hurt over that too - I would feel the same way.

You remind me of my MIL, OP. She's happy to live that way, and so she has a boyfriend who is also content to live that way. It's worked for 15 years. But this man seems to be holding out that you are going to change or something, because he's obviously not happy with this lifestyle. If you are in your 30's and dated 3 years already and still not 'ready' to progress, then let him go.

[Giggles03]

Thank you everyone for the posts. It’s been really helpful to read your comments.

I have a really hard time understanding why taking 2 hours for myself out of a total 38 hours of wake time on the weekend is such a big deal. I also have a really hard time understanding why spending a day with my sister is no big deal but if I ask for a day with myself the world is ending. But, I do see that some people need this alone time to recharge and some people just don't understand that.

I’m definitely not letting him move in right now since he doesn’t have a steady reliable income. And now I am starting to wonder if it would ever work … if we can’t find a compromise within the confines of our current living situation, how are we going to find a compromise when we are living together.

I hate the idea of breaking up with him. I really wish we could find a way to make it work. But maybe we just aren’t completely compatible.

[liuzhoudragon]

Your relationship doesn't seem like much a relationship in the traditional sense if you see each other a that little. And moving in is obvious a step in the normal relationship progression.

You can probably manage to find a guy that is willing to go along with you idea of relationship but don't be surprised when the vast majority get hurt when time with them is the exception not the rule. Normally alone time/me time is a break from constant togetherness, your post reads like togetherness is a break from constant solitude. Personally I would be really unhappy if during the limited time I get with my girlfriend a book was more important then me, not someone is dead,big thing at work, family emergency, but.....a book.

The idea of living with you but paying for an apartment he used 1-2 days a week is RETARDED. Twice as stupid when starting a new job.

In conclusion.
Figure out what kind of relationship you want(honestly) and communicate that clearly with him cause from can be gleaned from the OP says you to are on two different pages.

[Giggles03]

Well, we had a good talk Sunday evening and it turns out his "new career" is more of an issue for me than finding some alone time. A year ago when he was trying to get a promotion that would have him working 20 minutes from where I live, I was all on board with him moving in. But now that he is going after this freelance "artist" type job I'm totally stressing.

The plan right now is for him to spend a couple of days during the week at my place and then on the weekends we are going to work on not being attached to the hip for the entire weekend. Overall though, things still kind of feel up in the air. We share a lot of the same interest and hold the same worldview, but personality wise we are more different than I originally thought and so we have to decide if we are willing to put in the work to continue the relationship. At this point, I don't think either one of us is entirely sure. For me, the fact that he is in his 50s and has yet to settle down on a career is a bit disconcerting. I need to decide if I'm OK being with someone that changes their career every couple of years.

Your relationship doesn't seem like much a relationship in the traditional sense if you see each other a that little.

Anyone care to share how much time they spend with their significant other during a typical week. I know every relationship is different, but it might help me put things in perspective. All of my family/friends in real life are married and are OK with and enjoy having some alone time.

As for the whole thing with the book ... that usually happens when we've been sitting on the couch all morning watching TV and I need a break before we do the same thing all night (and not so much a break from him, but a break from the TV, which I've explained to him but he still ends up feeling rejected). On the typical weekend we are together from Friday at 4:00pm to Monday at 7:00am. This equates to about 38 hours of wake time together, almost entirely within an arms reach of each other (thankfully he's OK with me going to the bathroom alone, LOL). I get that asking for an entire weekend apart was a bit much, but I have a hard time understanding why spending and hour or two in different rooms is really that bad.

[IronCitGrl]

It may seem like your are spending a lot of time with your boyfriend but by reading your last post it doesn't seem like you are spending much "quality" time together. Sitting on a couch watching TV and not talking to each other isn't quality time. Do you do anything else together??

[Cara0915]

It may seem like your are spending a lot of time with your boyfriend but by reading your last post it doesn't seem like you are spending much "quality" time together. Sitting on a couch watching TV and not talking to each other isn't quality time. Do you do anything else together??

I agree. What about going to the gym together? Brunch with friends? Outdoor activities? Why do you have to sit on the couch... And the bigger question is how can that possibly stress you out causing you to need alone time?

I'm all for dating older men (my guys 20 years older), but a man in his 50's and doesn't have a set career would be a big red flag for me. I need to know that if I got sick, injured and couldn't work that my guy could take care of us (and vice versa).

Good luck with whatever decision you choose 😀

[Broseph82]

Your place is YOURS. You make the final decision, not him! If he's still a needy mamas boy he needs to grow up it sounds like.

Anyway, don't feel pressured into doing something you truly don't want to do. If you are an introvert you NEED that time to yourself like you said, to decompress and have some enjoyment alone. Just tell him you aren't ready for that move now. Maybe down the road a bit, just not now. Tell him the timing isn't right and that maybe when he's settled into his new career that you two can discuss that again. But if you really don't want a move-in companion then just say "NO!" If he cannot respect you enough to take a "no" answer then maybe he's not right for you.

Edit: you can't ask how much time another couple spends together. Everyone has different needs. I'm am an extrovert and love affection. I love being with my wife every waking minute. I feel alone when she's not with me. This would absolutely crush you it sounds like. Don't settle for less than what you deserve. Don't settle! Be yourself and don't take anything less than what you want. Don't let him move stuff into your place. Look up the laws on cohabitation. I took a parenting class and in my state if someone has a shirt hanging in your closet or puts their keys down on the kitchen table, by law they live at that residence and can have equal share to the house and the things in it.

It also sounds like you may need more time to yourself than just a couple hours. Your personalities and everything should match almost, if not at, 100%. I've been married before and we weren't compatible at all(we had a child). Now, I'm completely happy and 10000% compatible with my soul-mate and partner.

The choice is yours Neo. Choose wisely. The red or the blue pill.

[Giggles03]

We are big news junkies and really enjoy watching the weekend morning news together. This usually spurs a lot of conversation between the two of us so I feel like its “quality time.” I can take or leave the “evening” TV, but it’s something he really enjoys so I go along with it.

About twice a month we go out to dinner and a movie. We use to go out to dinner every weekend but have been cutting back since I’m the only one paying these days, and I’m working on losing weight which is easier to do when eating at home. Most weekends we’ll spend at least one night cooking a nice meal together. We’ve created some really good stew recipes together and some not so good ones LOL.

We go grocery shopping together, and any other errands I have to do get done together on the weekends since I don’t really have time during the week. About once a month we will work on a house project (eg. cleaning out the basement, yard clean up, etc.) I always feel guilty about doing this because it’s “my” house, but he says that he enjoys it.

About once a month we go on a “day trip” to museums, historical sites, etc. Something we both really enjoy. This past year we went on a week-long vacation and a shorter weekend vacation with just the two of us. When the weather was warmer we were going on day hikes almost every weekend. Now we just go to the gym, but we don’t actually spend much time together at the gym since we have different routines there.

Anyways … I’m beginning to see that we have more serious issues than just me needing alone time. That, I’m sure we can find a solution to. The other stuff, not so sure.

Thanks everyone for listening! It helps to vent to people that aren’t also invested in the relationship (i.e. friends/family).

[esoteriik]

I do encourage you not to compare yourself with what society deems "normal". You do what works FOR YOU. If you do not wish to live with him, then don't. If you want to have your alone time, then do. If he does not understand, speak with him, and if he still insists that you spend so much time together and you are not comfortable with it, then I do think you need to take a look at your relationship with him.

I am also very introverted. My alone time is precious to me. In fact, about 80% of my time is spent alone, and I am totally happy with it being that way. And as introverts, we have a very hard time living happily in such an extroverted world. Most people don't understand us and think something is wrong. Talking with your boyfriend, educating him on the introvert's way of life and needs, perhaps encouraging him to read books about introverts will help him understand you. Then, you can both agree on compromises.. If he truly understands and loves you, and considers your needs along with his, then he will want to spend time with you, but he will leave you be when you need it.

And if he doesn't, and he continues to make you feel "suppressed" and "caged", and talking with him about it gets your relationship nowhere, then I advise you to really rethink your relationship. We have a hard time letting go of those we love, but sometimes it is necessary for our own true happiness.

[liuzhoudragon]

Somewhere in his 50s and starting a new career............hope you/he has some savings.

financially speaking the 2 house thing (especially if they are far away) is harder then living together would be $ wise. If he lives with you continuing to rent another place is stupid.

ok so it seem like you two spend more hours together then the 1st post originally let on. Good luck with your weight loss /healthier lifestlye....you certainly came to the right place. althogh if you watch TV until you need a break from it and then break by reading you might want to make that break a bit more active.

[Euclidus]

Introverts represent! I totally feel you on the needing alone time. Especially time with books! They are food for the soul I wonder if a part of his clingy-ness is a product of the insecurity that most surely has to coincide with switching careers so frequently. Has he ever thought about seeing a career counselor? Are the careers in related fields, or is he jumping willy-nilly from thing to thing? I only ask because you seem like a grounded person who knows who they are and what they want, and the general sense that I get of him from your post is the exact opposite. Why didn't he take the promotion and move in a year ago? Could his desire to move in now be related to this whole free-lance thing and him seeing his savings slowly dwindle? I would definitely be seeing red flags if I were in your situation.

You've been given some really good advice, and I would just add to consider whether this relationship is more of a benefit for you than it is a detriment. No relationship is going to be free of occasional rough patches, but by and large they should be a boon to your life/mental health, and not a drag on them.

[paleorainy]

I asked my boyfriend today if I could spend this weekend alone. I have a lot of things I want to get done (put away the Christmas decorations, clean, laundry, errands, food prep, etc.) and it would be a lot easier for me if I could be alone. I would also really enjoy some time to myself, and in some ways need the time. He takes everything very personally, is very needy, and has a fear of abandonment (all things he freely admits), so I knew my asking for this would not go very well.

Is your bf my ex? That's the perfect description of his standard hissy fit.
Thing is the guy freely admits his flaws and thinks that's ok. That's not ok by itself, one should try to improve. But by being needy he hopes to estabilish some sort of control on you, it's emotional blackmailing.
The decision is yours but be careful with that sort of person, you can get to the point where whatever you do causes him 'hurt' and he can control you quite easily.

[latebloomingmom]

even if you were married or living together
it is an unrealistic expectation that another human being spend every
waking moment with you or near you
you do not have to do everything together to be a couple
sometimes by taking a little time to yourself
whether it be a bubble bath or a walk or a trip to the gym
you come back rested and rejuvenated
and feel like 'you' again
and there is nothing wrong with this

a couple is still made up of two individuals

[Giggles03]

The weird thing for me is that I would have never labeled him an extrovert ... he only has a couple of friends and they only get together a couple of times a year ... whenever we go out and do something together its usually me doing the planning and taking the lead ... so I was under the impression that he enjoyed alone time.

The past couple of weeks have been tough for him. He has been sitting in his apartment all day alone, only going out for the gym. So basically zero interaction with people all week and then comes down to my place on the weekend desperate for attention. He has some classes starting up this week, so things should hopefully be better for him/us.

His neediness does feels like a control thing, which is why I was probably fighting so hard to get a way from it. And it has been worse since he lost his last job. I'm not ready to through in the towel yet, but there is definitely some work to be done!