Advice for battling depression?

[Braveheart91]

Girlfriend is really depressed about how she looks and is constantly telling me she doesnt want to live anymore, which is heartbreaking.

She steps on the scales and notices she's put on 2lbs after always trying to eat what i eat just out of courtesy or what not (im bulking on 6k right now so i can see how hard it is for her to focus on her weight loss)

As far as actually trying to lose weight goes, she runs once a week with no weights, im trying to tell her to do weights with me and run every morning but she just gets upsets and calls me stupid.

Advice please?

[rdferguson]

1) Talk to her. And by talk, I actually mean listen.

2) Repeat step 1.

3) This isn't an issue of "she runs once a week but she needs to lift weights." A bad strategy may be causing results that she doesn't want, but the fact that it hurts her that she's not getting the results she wants means that she's got much more emotionally invested in being lighter, and exercise programming is the tip of the iceberg. She needs to be able to express why she wants to lose weight, and you need to listen without judging her. I imagine the deeper issue is one of acceptability, in which case one of the best things you can do for her is to show her that your love for her is not dependent on her looks or her size or her weight. Of course, that actually needs to be true in order for it to be effective. Ultimately, it all comes down to her loving and accepting herself, however the thing about being social creatures is that it's a lot easier for us to recognise our self-worth when we have people around us reinforcing that we're valuable, rather than just telling ourselves over and over again -- social support provides experience to prove that we're valuable, whereas just telling ourselves positive thoughts if we don't already believe them (and thus don't need to tell ourselves) is lying to ourselves, and we know it, so it doesn't work.

4) Repeat 1 and 2.

5) She may need professional help. I'm not saying that in a demeaning way at all, I'm just saying that a pastor, counsellor or psychologist -- someone whose job it is to care for people and help them work through their mental health issues -- may be able to help her in a way that you can't. That doesn't nullify any of my previous advice: you still need to listen to her.

[fihe]

I'm not sure if there's any convincing her, but tell her that if she doesn't lift weights, she will probably lose more muscle than fat, which makes for an unpleasant appearance. Muscle is much harder to gain than fat, especially for women! She will need to develop a consistent routine to get the desired results.

I also suffer from depression and working out is an excellent distraction.

[CreativeRick]

It's a mental thing. All you can do is support her until she either changes or decides to get help.

[Running2live]

Politely suggest talking to a doctor about this. Depression can be chemical, emotional, or both. Sounds like it's both with her. She needs to see a doctor. Trust me, medication makes all the difference. It's nearly impossible to confront your emotional issues if you aren't in a balanced chemical state.

[missbellejane]

Politely suggest talking to a doctor about this. Depression can be chemical, emotional, or both. Sounds like it's both with her. She needs to see a doctor. Trust me, medication makes all the difference. It's nearly impossible to confront your emotional issues if you aren't in a balanced chemical state.

100% agree with this. I hit rock bottom at the start of this year - physically, mentally and emotionally so I've been there. I struggled for a really long time thinking that if I did this or if I did that I would be able to help myself. Then my family convinced me to go see a Dr who put me on some antidepressants and referred me to a clinical psychologist. I feel stupid now for waiting for so long to go and get some professional help.

[TRFit]

1) Talk to her. And by talk, I actually mean listen.

2) Repeat step 1.

3) This isn't an issue of "she runs once a week but she needs to lift weights." A bad strategy may be causing results that she doesn't want, but the fact that it hurts her that she's not getting the results she wants means that she's got much more emotionally invested in being lighter, and exercise programming is the tip of the iceberg. She needs to be able to express why she wants to lose weight, and you need to listen without judging her. I imagine the deeper issue is one of acceptability, in which case one of the best things you can do for her is to show her that your love for her is not dependent on her looks or her size or her weight. Of course, that actually needs to be true in order for it to be effective. Ultimately, it all comes down to her loving and accepting herself, however the thing about being social creatures is that it's a lot easier for us to recognise our self-worth when we have people around us reinforcing that we're valuable, rather than just telling ourselves over and over again -- social support provides experience to prove that we're valuable, whereas just telling ourselves positive thoughts if we don't already believe them (and thus don't need to tell ourselves) is lying to ourselves, and we know it, so it doesn't work.

4) Repeat 1 and 2.

5) She may need professional help. I'm not saying that in a demeaning way at all, I'm just saying that a pastor, counsellor or psychologist -- someone whose job it is to care for people and help them work through their mental health issues -- may be able to help her in a way that you can't. That doesn't nullify any of my previous advice: you still need to listen to her.

This! Sometimes exercise can make someone feel better about themselves and sometimes not. Also having an exercise related goal as opposed to a weight related one could help. Either way depression is a serious problem that needs real help.

I wish you and her the best of luck, it looks like you really want to help her and for her to help herself.

[liebkuchen]

Another vote for encouraging her to see a doctor and much of the advice above. Being distressed to the point of wanting to kill yourself is a massive red flag. Please ask her to make an appointment asap. If how she perceives her body is a component of what is depressing her, I'd back off on the workout advice unless she comes to you to ask. She may be more likely to take advice as criticism right now.

Being the partner of someone with depression is bewildering because the other person's thinking is in a negative loop. Encourage her to open up about her feelings- we tend to bottle it up and hide it well to give a face of normality. Does her body language and behaviour agree when she says she's 'fine'? Also, let her know you love her. A cuddle is a little thing but its more demonstrative than just saying you love her which she could wave away as a platitude.

When she's ready, getting into exercise gently is totally the way to go. I, like others here, got into it as part of our treatment/coping strategies. This might be blasphemy here but if she enjoys running and doesn't fancy weights then encourage her to join a running club. Women of all sizes, great company and a focus of improving her pb rather than the numbers of a scale. She might eventually like to do some leg weights as it helps with hills. But that's not for quite now.

All the best