The Road

[bluelilyleif]

This is me at the beginning. My world is so gray and stormy right now. I am staring down a long line that disappears into the horizon, and I have to walk it. Hopefully at the end of this road I will have become something so much greater than I am now; I have hope so that means I have something. This world of mine that has become so empty, so post-apocalyptic.

I am doing this here, now, because of the energy I glean from this site. I have been craving the words of so many of you, reading them all, swallowing all of this down, because it stirs something in me that makes me want to keep going although lately it has been so hard to keep going. Assuming any of you out there read this, I want to thank you, because you are all helping me so much, more than you know.

I need to learn to love myself.

This is my beginning on the road to learning to love myself. More on this later.

So, my workouts lately have been following the NROL4W, though not 100%, I suppose. I am proud that I am at least working out some during this dark time in my life.

I am not ready yet to talk about why my life is dark. Maybe eventually.

I started working out again on August 15.

Squats
40 pounds x 15 x 2

Rows
60 pounds x 15 x 2

Pushups
30

Step ups
15 step ups with 15 pound dumbbells in each hand.
I don't like these--the gym does not have a box and they tell me to use the bench, which is spongy and wobbly, and I don't have the most balance as it is. Plus everyone is staring at me which I know I shouldn't care about but I do, because I am the only person walking on the weight benches. I worry if my shoes are leaving prints.

Jack knife
16 of these. Again, don't like these so much, mainly because people are again looking. But I will keep doing them; I took my ball into the corner and tried to stay out of the way.

As I am starting again I am cautious about the weights I am squatting and deadlifting. Want to build this up slowly.

Wednesday, 8-17

Deadlift
15 with 65 pounds
15 with 70 pounds

I did these in the Olympic weightlifting room. It was a scary thing to go in there, but the guys were friendly and made space for me. Still. Only the really big people go in this room, so it was intimidating.

Pull-downs
15 with 42.5 pounds
15 with 47.5 pounds

Shoulder press
15 with 15 pounds x 2

Swiss ball crunch
30 of these

Lunges
30 with 17.5 pound dumbbells in each hand

Saturday, 8-20

Squats
15 squats with 50 pounds
15 squats with 60 pounds

I don't like abbreviating words. I don't know why...

Rows.
Last workout I recorded that I did 60 pounds. This time I didn't feel quite so strong, so I only did:
15 with 37.5 pounds
15 with 42.5 pounds
I am using a cable machine and sitting on the floor--like in the book (NROL4W)

Pushups
30
Pushups are still pretty easy to me -- not like before (I used to be able to do 100 in a row no problem) but can still get these out pretty easily, with the extra lift at the top.

Step-ups.
Again, not liking the set up for these. The wobbly bench again.
30 with 20 pounds in each hand.

Jack knife
16

Wednesday, 8-24

Deadlift
10 with 65 pounds
10 with 70 pounds
10 with 85 pounds

Pull downs
15 with 30 pounds
10 with 40 pounds
10 with 50 pounds

Shoulder Press
15 with 15 pounds in each hand
15 with 17.5 pounds in each hand

Lunges
30 with 17.5 pounds

Swiss ball crunch
30

I have missed some workouts in between these because I forgot to record cardio and non-weight lifting stuff. I will be more diligent with this in the future.

Monday, 8-29

Squats
12 with 50 pounds
12 with 70 pounds

I didn't do the squats in the Olympic room -- which is why I jumped from 50 to 70 pounds. A group of guys were passing around the 60 pound bar so I didn't feel like waiting for it.

Rows
15 with 50 pounds
15 with 80 pounds
50 pounds felt too light -- hence the jump in weight

Pushups
30 of these. Elbows in, tight to body.

Pistols
15 with 20 pounds in each hand
10 with 20 pounds in each hand
I substituted pistols today for the step ups. I just hate doing the step ups on the cushy bench.

16 jack knife

I did a boxing warm up before weights today -- I really miss boxing and so when I get to do this it means a lot.

Also, I have made a phone call to see a therapist. I am slipping and I know it. Haven't yet received a call back, so I will call another one.

On Sunday, I called my psychiatrist -- I took myself off my meds. This was a mistake. Have not yet received a call back from him.

Making phone calls is not like me at all. I just don't reach out usually. Actually I have never used his number before in all of the two years I was seeing him, even though he told me to if anything happened. I don't understand why he didn't call me back. Maybe I didn't actually send the message in my incoherent state...I will have to call again.

I also called about the Crossfit gym near where I now live. I can make a visit and do one class for free, which I plan to do. I want to join because Crossfit was one of the most enjoyable experiences I have ever had--that and Krav Maga--and I did this for two years so now there is a tremendous void in my life.

I have included all of this because it is all part of this road I have to travel. Keeping myself accountable of how I am loving myself or treating myself well includes doing this stuff that I would normally just not do, like calling a doctor if I know I need help. Right now I am all about one step at a time.

[bluelilyleif]

Wednesday, 8-31-11

Deadlift
12 with 95 pounds
12 with 105 pounds

Pull Downs
12 with 57.5 pounds
12 with 62.5 pounds

Dumbbell Shoulder Press
12 with 20 pounds
12 with 22 pounds

Pull ups
2 pull ups. Hah.

Lunges
12 with 20 pound dumbbells
12 with 25

Swiss Ball Crunch
100

What I need to remember for tomorrow: EXERCISE MAKES ME FEEL GOOD

Other things I did for myself yesterday:
prepared for class and went to class
left messages for the doctor/therapist again
cried a lot (don't know how good this is for me but at least I am not holding it in)
hugged my cats
didn't smoke or drink alcohol (I want to though)
tried to get some sleep

I want to include this stuff because it is part of how I need to learn to treat myself well. It will do good to remind me.

I also finished watching Game of Thrones season one last night. Gah. Good show.

Today I plan to attend the free crossfit workout class. I am excited but I am sore from yesterday so I hope I can do it okay. I know how challenging those workouts are.

[bluelilyleif]

September 1, 2011

Crossfit!

Warm-up:
Medicine Ball Cleans
10 with 10 pounds

Lunges
20

Back Extensions
20

Jump rope
2 minutes

Dips
10

Kettlebell swings
20 - with something light (maybe 20 pounds?)

Snatches
I haven't done these in maybe two years, so I had to relearn the form and still didn't get it perfectly, but oh well. I only did 6 or 7 with 35 pound bar.

Pull-ups
50, with assistance band

Push-ups
50. I actually was able to do all but the last five NOT on my knees. It hurt though.

Squats
50 air squats

Sit-ups
50. These are a bit harder for me than they used to be. Darn.

Other things I did for myself yesterday:

Got some work done in the office. Have to stay focused on my job so I don't **** it up.

I actually went to check out the new gym! Very proud of myself for doing that. I kept thinking of excuses for why I should NOT go, but I made myself and I am so glad I did.

Reached out to try to be social with people. I really need to keep doing this; I think it will help me a lot.

Made sure to play with my kitties. They have been through a lot too so they need lots of love and support. I am a bit worried about them so it makes me feel good to give them what they need.

Cried. But just a little bit.

Watched "Equilibrium" with Christian Bale. I liked it some. Kind of wish I could take the "no feeling" drug right now...

What I need to remember

Exercise makes me feel good.
Socialization makes me feel good.

I know my diet isn't very good right now. I am not overeating as far as calories go, but I am not eating really well -- lots of processed foods instead of fresh greens and stuff. I am not focused on this aspect enough yet, but I will get there.

[bluelilyleif]

September 9, 2011

I haven't been working out very much -- I did a bunch of walking (maybe 4 miles) last Sunday, and then school started -- and I am going to have to adjust my energy around all of my reading and working full time and then law school at night. Plus, I was incredibly sore from my last Crossfit half workout-my arms were killing me! And, I still walk two miles a day to and from work.

And, finally, I have appointments to see a therapist, so I am still making progress towards my emotional health, if for this past week my physical health has taken a back seat. I have my first appointment tonight.

Still crying every day, but at least I am still feeling my feelings and not trying to stuff them somewhere.

I love my kitties. They are such amazing little creatures.

I think next week I will start Crossfit again. This should definitely kick start me back into fitness, AND do something for my emotional health.

Some things I have learned this week:

alcohol is not going to be my friend right now
spending time alone is not killing me; in fact I think I need to embrace it to heal myself
I love having Netflix on my iphone. It makes the fact that I have no tv and no internet so much bearable.

[2ndfloor]

You're amazing for someone who just hit the gym on August 15. When I've let myself completely go, I need to start with the tiniest of weights all over again and work up from here. Keep it going!

[bluelilyleif]

You're amazing for someone who just hit the gym on August 15. When I've let myself completely go, I need to start with the tiniest of weights all over again and work up from here. Keep it going!

Thank you Thank you Thank you! I don't feel amazing but yes, I have to keep it going!

[bluelilyleif]

Had my Foundations class at my new Crossfit gym. It was great to be there. We were reviewing exercises for about three hours, then did a workout. We covered the form basics of squats, deadlifts, wall balls, different kinds of situps, pull-ups, etc.

The more advanced members did Murph:

For time --

1 mile Run
100 Pull-ups
200 Push-ups
300 Squats
1 mile Run

The workout was cut in half for us, since we are just starting out.

800 meter Run
50 pull-ups (I had to use a green band)
100 Push-ups
150 Squats
800 meter Run

During my free first class I did 50 pull-ups -- and my arms were sore for the rest of the week (hence the little break). I am hoping with all of these pull-ups they will get easier, eventually.

[bluelilyleif]

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Went back to Crossfit! Sundays they do a team workout. I was the only girl that showed! And the only new person. I was paired with an uber fit guy who was nice enough about the fact that he was going to be incredibly slowed down by me.

Each team had to do three rounds of:

400 meter run
25 pull-ups (more pull-ups! -- I was already brutalized from yesterday!) -- While one team member was doing the pull-ups, the other had to do as many thrusters as they could. As soon as the 25 pull-ups were completed, we switched.

I ended up doing a total of 23 thrusters with 45 pounds. My upper body was screaming. All in all I was supposed to have completed 75 pull-ups, but couldn't get the last 10 because the muscles running up the sides of my back just gave up. The instructor finished the 10 for me, thank god.

[bluelilyleif]

Crossfit again!

Warm-up:

2 minutes of jump rope
10 wall facing squats: you get as close to the wall as you can -- this makes you have proper back straightness.
10 man makers -- I only used 10 pound dumbbells
20 lunges
various kicks and stretches
10 knees to elbows -- have to build my callouses again...

The workout of the day was rx'd for 30 muscle ups as fast as you can!
Muscle ups are no joke and with the condition of my arms I wasn't even going to be able to do a ring pull-up.

It was scaled down for me -- I did mini pull-ups with the rings, sort of a first step in learning the procedure for how to do a muscle up.

Then, 30 dips. I had to do the last 15 with a small band.

Then, a 400 meter run.
200 meters of lunges.
200 meter sprint.

Then, off to class! Traffic was pretty bad so I had to go all sweaty. I don't know how my fellow classmates felt about that, but oh well, I am working to lose my 10 pound weight gain from the first year of school, so I don't care...

Still crying every day. Yesterday felt like my life is just over. I was very proud of myself for going to class, but coming home at night is incredibly painful. Just got to keep reminding myself that I need to feel this pain.

[bluelilyleif]

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I am very sore. Rest day today -- upper and lower body is feeling it. Ugh.

[Luvdogs]

Hi there! Wow, you are certainly doing great! Crossfit sounds like so much work but so much FUN! They have one here in Reno, but with a bum knee, I don't think it would work for me. Good for you for creating something in your life to focus on the helps you through whatever it is you are going through. You are doing awesome!