Mega-Me III

[imperfectly_lou]

You need the antibiotics because an untreated kidney infection can lead to more serious problems e.g. with your kidneys
Make sure you pee after sex

Love RN # 2

[slobey]

yes . keep taking the meds, pee after sex, and continue talking to awesome friends.

oh.. and don't leave splinters in your thumb for a month..

love, CPA #1

[Adela777]

I blame the splinter.

Hey Megs.

[Megin]

^^ And thats why I love you guys
Special visit from LOU and GREENIE !! Both in the same day <3
And my trouble makers Auds (Thing 1) + Beans (Thing 2)

------
Finished the round of antibiotics
And got blood labs back
But they are a bit skewed and hard to make anything out

I threw them at Emma .. she can usually decipher that nonsense
For the most part, the clinic told me to wait it out and if nothing changes in 4 weeks to come back
Most levels were in normal range - only, when compared my my previous lab work, levels are much different <-- which could explain when we feel like walking death with a bunch of 'symptoms' [I wish that were an exaggeration ) ]
^^ My NORMAL resting HR is ususally in the 40s
Its been in the 60s for a good few weeks now

60s = normal .. but not MY normal

So, on top of that, we visit the gyno next week [I think this is more the underlining issue..]
And I'm so not ready for that

------
Since we are getting 'checked up' .. may as well be seen by all docs as once, so we went to a dermi as well -->

oh.. and don't leave splinters in your thumb for a month..

Right - so they had to freeze that off with -300F liquid nitrogen 'cause I left it in there so long it got infected



Then they did the body check and took off a mole while they were at it (Floridian + Mucho Sun - Sunscreen )

And they looked at our bad acne break out (love when a doc can take care of 3 birds with one stone ) <-- gave us a few things to try + said we need to come in to do a 'detox facial'
Insurance covers it.. so this shall be our first 'facial' Friday


-------
I can't afford to be 'sick' or broken anymore - I gotta operate at full game [multiple reasons, dad being one of them ]
So I have to put down my 'fear' and dislike for medical stuff and get it seen to

Am having a hard time not minimizing things and shrugging it off as though it were nothing..
As well as the flip in working hard not to 'panic' myself into thinking things are worse than they might be
I don't know where this balance is <--- and that is dangerous territory as I can go extreme either way
^^ Where attention goes.. energy flows

[GREENFEATHER]

Psst, the big ole Blackfoot is an RN. too Megs.

[Megin]

Re: The Mom Convo
long.. but this is deep for me and I need to process

I went over today as shes been constantly asking me to do things with her (I knew this would happen after last weekend when I let her take care of me <-- then she feels the need to increase 'attention' toward me.. and it goes overboard. Which is why I don't like accepting help as it often backfires in 'owing' time or attention back to them later)

I sat down with mom 1 v 1 and I knew she was in 'trouble mom' mode (she is either super perfect or very troubled.. for some reason, I continue to talk with her when she is in that dark place.. as though if I just say the right thing she will switch back over to 'good mom' )

Felt I needed mom's help in sorting through some medical stuff
[mom knows everything - she is such a wealth of knowledge.. I just can't seem to tap into it without sacrificing my mental health. But I continue to press on, knowing I'm going to be messed up.. as it feels like a fair trade to get the information I need sometimes ]

I opened up about going to doc and that my results had come in partially..
That the place I went to was ridiculous
Also told her about gyno on Thursday
Then I opened up more about my program and the intensity that I was involved with

^^ I did that..
I wanted to let her know those things (to get out of 'secret' mode with her)
But now I deal with the aftermath of feeling incredibly judged (which I am until she can sort it out - I know she will come back in a few days and ACCEPT all I am and all I do .. but it takes time. And right now, I'm in an intense vulnerable spot with her)

This feeling hurts deep - I strive so hard for her approval
But it was a necessary step and its more important for me to be honest in who I am around everyone than to cover things up with deception = false 'approval' <-- even though I crave it

I also know she will come around eventually ..
I know she loves me

But right now, I am in the 'black' list

Me: I need a primary physician so that someone notices when my HR goes from a resting 40 to 60 <-- even though its 'normal' its not MY normal
Mom: I don't think HR is your problem.. don't go on wild goose chases

**She doesn't know about bulimic behavior.. so of course she would say that.
But now she thinks I'm like the rest in her family who are hypochondriacs and she can't handle any more sick people (dad takes up that card) and SHE is CHRONICALLY sick along with B1 + B3 <-- she can't handle ME being sick

I do also feel as though she wants to be the one to
1/ Take care of me herself
2/ GIVE me permission to take care of myself -When I do it on my own, it robs her of doing something for me .. if even verbal permission of initiating something myself

So she basically brought it up that I need to stop looking for something wrong
That I am healthy
That I am fine
Buck up

And the kid in me wants to oblige ..

But if I step back .. I see that it is HER 'stuff' that is blocking
Her anger and resentment toward me 'taking care of myself' through program and other areas is due to HER and HER life experience

It has nothing to do with me

Yet, I'm left here with that feeling of disapproval
And it hurts

But this is a growing opportunity to separate myself as an individual and go forward with my intuition

[kitebean]

**She doesn't know about bulimic behavior.. so of course she would say that.
But now she thinks I'm like the rest in her family who are hypochondriacs and she can't handle any more sick people (dad takes up that card) and SHE is CHRONICALLY sick along with B1 + B3 <-- she can't handle ME being sick

But if I step back .. I see that it is HER 'stuff' that is blocking
Her anger and resentment toward me 'taking care of myself' through program and other areas is due to HER and HER life experience

It has nothing to do with me

Yet, I'm left here with that feeling of disapproval
And it hurts

But this is a growing opportunity to separate myself as an individual and go forward with my intuition

i still don't get how you can be honest without being honest....?

Please look after yourself. I'm glad you went to the doc who you having sex with??

[slobey]

the judgment you feel, well.. perhaps it's not judgment of YOU. I kind of see it as mom judging herself as a parent, a caretaker, and a confidant via the things that are currently going on in your life.

I do also feel as though she wants to be the one to
1/ Take care of me herself
2/ GIVE me permission to take care of myself -When I do it on my own, it robs her of doing something for me .. if even verbal permission of initiating something myself

1) of course she does.. she your mom..
2) yes, probably. again.. just like with the judgment, this may be a way for her to take care of her own feelings.. justify what she needs to. If she gives permission to remove herself from a frequent caregiver position, then maybe she won't feel guilty or see herself as an absent parent.

Mom: I don't think HR is your problem.. don't go on wild goose chases

**She doesn't know about bulimic behavior.. so of course she would say that.
But now she thinks I'm like the rest in her family who are hypochondriacs and she can't handle any more sick people (dad takes up that card) and SHE is CHRONICALLY sick along with B1 + B3 <-- she can't handle ME being sick

Can't necessarily blame her for that reaction,eh ? Similar to all of our responses when you called yourself a lowlife for not hanging out and baking cookies with Olivia. We reacted based on the information that was given to us..

You think you're giving your relationship with her a fair chance by being honest without fully being honest? Yes, baby steps are good for you and the ones you took with her are greatly admired but I'm curious to know if you think you'll ever disclose the ED to her. And not 'i have issues with food' .. straight up that you binge + purge.

What do you think would hurt her more.. knowing that you're ill, or knowing that you've kept this secret and all the pain that comes along with it to yourself for x amount of years?

[Miranda]

hum. given your family is intertwined, then it is rather, erm, complicated to let go of one person only, prolly.

lol my relation to my family is almost 100% the opposite.

[Adela777]

Family and business....tricky stuff.

You are saying also that if she takes care of you there is an expectation for something back?

[mizone]

Hi Megs.
Just dusting off the cobwebs on my computer and ended up here

[slobey]

Hi Megs.
Just dusting off the cobwebs on my computer and ended up here

^ Made me smile

Have never interacted w/ mizone, but I remember the name from the very beginning of this diary

[wolfpack7483]

Hi there gal! Sounds like you may be on the amends path these days. If so, I have some thoughts (but you had to know this). If you're not, then feel free to disregard at will!

It is possible that it would cause more HARM than GOOD to fully disclose things to mom

How, exactly? Just playing devil's advocate here.
Step 9 has a built in escape hatch--"except when to do so would injure them or others." Many a scheming addict (myself included) have clung to this phrase as a sure-fire way to avoid the icky stuff of recovery. Just sayin'.

I am being honest

We're as sick as our secrets. Sorry.

But there are levels

This negates your above quote.

- and I feel it is imperative to look at the flip side of what DAMAGE could be done in light of that talk
It is not something that can just be blurted out ..
There are very real consequences - and it would be foolish to not look at the angles / benefit / cost ratio there

There's a lot of space between withholding the truth and "just blurting it out" where honest, yet compassionate communication can occur. Extreme thinking can justify not going there.

On that note - I have been thinking of ways that I might like to approach
1/ Take her to group with me
2/ Talk with psych to possibly have some sessions with mom in the room
*That note.. there are levels I need to get to with psych, so first thing first, no?

Would these happen AFTER you spoke your truth with her? May not want to drop the bomb at group. She's already going to be out of her comfort zone, I assume.


[QUOTE=Megin;843205801Its not really about 'her' anymore - Ive moved past being concerned for her emotional state <-- that is her responsibility

I'm concerned about mine
I don't feel that I've reached an emotional maturity level I need to handle her reaction
But I am willing to work on that through my outside support - so that if it does come to terms that I disclose it, I will be 'safe'
I need to protect myself[/QUOTE]

You're right. It's about you and your recovery. Your job is to be honest and humble. She may surprise you and be understanding or supportive. Or, if not, you hear her out and let go of the result, for you have done your work of cleaning up the wreckage of your past.

[size=-2]may seem like over analysis.. but it is not.

Oh, but it is ! I can say this only because I've sooo been there. The mind dances wildly, conjuring up dozens of scenarios and outcomes. We scramble to find ONE reason why we shouldn't have to be fearless and thorough here. But it is, at the end of the day, a simple thing. Simple. But not easy.

Moms are a toughie, for sure.



Miss me much?

[Megin]

Love that you all are here <-- feels important to let you know how much you are appreciated..
Will get back to things soon

Just feel like checking in:

We are sorting through some very deep and very real emotional topics
I'm throwing myself into an intense vulnerable position with a lot of people

And at the moment, my curiosity is taking control in that I'm now more curious on finding out what WILL manifest should I do / say / be a certain way than continuing to project my own outcomes

Its an amazing twist of thought + action
The 'experiment' is still unfolding.. but I feel lighter
As I openly offer myself to the world, my anxiety level and internal turmoil is slightly releasing


I know ^^ is vague
But I wanted to write tonight, and this is what I have to 'be'
Sometimes, its enough just to acknowledge

[Emma-Leigh]

no but i've been called a dickhead and been asked whether i'm a boy or a girl when i was thirteen. does that count?

I've been asked on more than one occasion if I was 'pregnant'.....
And I've also been asked on more than one occasion if "I were a boy or a girl"
Most often, however, I'm just asked if I am 'finished school yet'.


Not sure how those things match up - but they do!

[Megin]

Ems, M, Beans, Aud, Wolfs, Greenie and MIZONE!



Wolf.. I really want to respond to your post as it is insightful but I've got another set of thoughts to run past on that topic (the post you quoted is gone It disappeared <-- and not on my account?]

Topics:
1/ Went to doc - We played it perfectly. Disclosed everything .. completely opened up to be vulnerable with her .. and did so while keeping the room very light. We both laughed (which is my game) <-- but she also listened and understood what I was trying to say

That was a MASSIVE step in the right direction

Starting 2 meds
I'm unsure what to think
Nervous in that the side effects (weight gain, dizziness, tired, etc..) can be huge triggers
Excited in that the meds could help ALLEVIATE other triggers (acne, difficulty losing weight, and will help with TOM cycle related PMS stuff which was getting really bad )

So we will go in a direction and trust it is the right one regardless of what might manifest..

2/ We are flipping <-- Yes, I was serious when I mentioned I wanted to do a handstand + standing flip. Now we go after it and make it happen
We started on the trampoline.. then moved to the foam pit .. then progressed to the bouncy floor (spotted by guys in vid!) ..

The guys are awesome - they all just gather up and teach each other tricks
I'm the ONLY female in there with them (the ones in vid are just supervisors) so the guys are willing to teach me anything <-- they just think its cool I showed up
that, and its a good flirting area as they try to show off to me

Its a lot of free running, Parcour and Tricking
I'm lovin' it. SORE as all get up (mostly neck ) .. but loving the feeling of propelling the body into contortions that are 'against instinct'

[Adela777]

I will say it again, Im super jealous of the padded rooms! Brings me back to my tumbling years lol!
And, being the only girl seems to have its perks

Flip away, miss Megs, because thats a freaking cool trick!

[Megin]

And I've also been asked on more than one occasion if "I were a boy or a girl"

Speaking on that front !
So.. we just found out that if you wear a WHITE shirt, its best to wear a NUDE bra !!
Now my shirts aren't see through anymore - I'm about as happy as I can get with yet another 'problem' that's bothered me for YEARS being fixed !!
That, and we actually found a bra outside the sporty kind that I LIKE

Who Nude (knew)

Flip away, miss Megs, because thats a freaking cool trick!

Yea..
The body can definitely tell its not 12 anymore - taking a beating in the sore department - neck and lower back are killers from landing not-so-gracefully



Am getting the roundhouse thing down though
And we can walk 4 'steps' with the handstand <-- super cool
That, and we've got the headstand nailed

-----------
Alright - we've started both meds now
I'm a little .. errmm... something
I hear so many horror stories about BC <-- weight gain, dizziness, tiredness, breaking down to cry at the tip of a dime
(wouldn't that be a change in worlds for us? I mean.. can you really see that happening <-- but maybe a partial 'reason' we don't cry is due to a higher testosterone level?)

Then again, with all those possible side effects - I doubt they can be worse then the ones now ?
So we need to work though the fear of 'meds' and give them a shot as they may fix other 'problems' that have bothered us for so long as well?

Regardless .. If I start being too mushy in here - someone smack me

[GREENFEATHER]

M was on the low dose pills for years. It took 20ish years before she started having any issues. When she started having them I got snipped.

[Adela777]

Im feeling the old...lol.
Use it or lose it, yo!

Was your test level higher?
I really hope the pills work for you, a nice win...

[slobey]

So.. we just found out that if you wear a WHITE shirt, its best to wear a NUDE bra !!
Now my shirts aren't see through anymore - I'm about as happy as I can get with yet another 'problem' that's bothered me for YEARS being fixed !!

voila. it's magic. don't ask me about the science behind it.

and here's a fun site for you. soon, you'll be a bra expert

http://blog.timesunion.com/kristi/36...-10-bra-donts/

Regardless .. If I start being too mushy in here - someone smack me

me me me, pick me!! *stretches arm really high to be called on*

[wolfpack7483]

Christ, it took me reading it 3x to figure out what BC was...

/www.notmydepartment.com

[Megin]

I always entertain great hopes.
--Robert Frost

In our honest journey, we must admit life is often difficult and painful. But these facts do not describe all of life, and they do not determine how we respond. The sun rises warm and bright after a cold and dark night. The open, generous smile of a small child reaches into the soft part of us all. To be strong and hardy on this spiritual path, we must be truthful about the pain and unfairness in life while holding firmly to a belief in all the generous possibilities.

Surrendering to despair, we trade the uncertainty of options for the certainty of gloom. Then we might say, "At least I'm never disappointed this way." Life isn't filled only with difficulty and pain. It is also filled with people whose dignity and spirit rise above their circumstances. There are situations when great sacrifice or love and wisdom turn a problem into an opportunity and strength. If we look at what has happened in our own lives and in those of others, we have ample reason to hope.


So, for the moment, I admit a painful and difficult surprise attack with work
losing major accounts to national contracts
The ones that blind side you on a random day usually have deep impact

The challenge now is for me to not to surrender to despair OR turn a false light of 'everything is okay'
Now we have an opportunity to practice finding the balance in feeling something stressful and letting it go
[or, if we can't let it go yet, finding a way to source momentum and let it feed into opportunity]

[Adela777]

That big company is still undercutting you? Jerk wads. I really hate it when cheap wins over service and value. Seems to be the way it works though.
Im curious, if you are able to express this, how you would have reacted at one point in time to this situation, and how you see yourself reacting now.

Ha! I still wear white bras under white shirts, sometimes there are patterns They should be happy Im wearing one

[kitebean]

I've been in the sales game for a long, long time yes, today sucks, but tomorrow will be better

[Megin]

I've been in the sales game for a long, long time yes, today sucks, but tomorrow will be better

Thanks for that, KB
People deal with ish all the time - the wind blows.
Its about recognizing that there needn't be defeat

Pretty crushing upheaval here - I suppose details don't matter so much
[still important to share the story.. not to dwell.. but to share it to the point where I can pivot and change directions]

In summary
Lost 1/4 of our big accounts in one day.
So the stress from that news caused a lot of 'panic' in the family (obviously)
Dad didn't take his meds, so his blood sugar levels were through the roof
And he ended up having it out with B1 <--- so B1 quit
add in all the other 'little' day occurrences that add up - you know.. when it rains and all

Its unfolding to be a real mess

Im curious, if you are able to express this, how you would have reacted at one point in time to this situation, and how you see yourself reacting now.

Really cool question, Beans - thank you for the direction to think

I can't quite seem to express what it was like before

But I do feel what it is like now
I'm not hyper-focused on myself [I slip often.. but we claim progress NOT perfection ]
I'm not terribly concerned with the future
I'm not looking at the past outside of trends

I'm very present (for today).. in the moment
And when I check in to the moment.. I know that I am okay

And the frequency in which I check into the moment builds confidence to how I can preform the next moment
I'm also able to see other's frustration / stress and realize it is not mine to take from them
They are allowed to have anger. They are allowed to fight <-- and I have to let them


And I know I can do the footwork to keep things floating
Why? Because I've been in emergency mode.. and I came out on top
So I have experience in me now

Was just the shock factor that took me yesterday
And I find myself highly strung / stressed for moments.. but I bounce back out of that very quickly when I can recognize what is going on

^^ Talk about growth
This 'test' of character is in perfect alignment for an opportunity for me to see what I can do

But it still bites

[kitebean]

yes, it still bites

but proud of your growth girl!

[wolfpack7483]

Hang in there! Love seeing the droplets of recovery in your posts!

[slobey]

can you write more?

[Adela777]

can you write more?

Yeah...what she said.

But reallllyyyyyy I just wanted to say hewrowww!