ALCOHOLICS: RECOVERY & FITNESS (Serious Only Please)

[ScaleAndSteel]

I had a rough day on Friday. We were at our trailer and I was surrounded by people drinking. I mean everywhere you looked. The weekend by the water in a crowded park and people were killing beers at 10 in the morning. That was a real test for myself and I focused on how I would feel in the middle of the night when I was trying to sleep if I started drinking again. I could almost feel the pounding head and visualize myself walking into walls as I tried to find a bathroom. I've been at this long enough to know that if I had 1 I'd have 15 and end up a complete wreck. I got through it but it was a tough day for awhile. I'll tell you, nothing beats sitting by a campfire at night and draining a cooler full of beer.

Jesus, I could have wrote this. Good luck man.

[raynerd]

I had a rough day on Friday. We were at our trailer and I was surrounded by people drinking. I mean everywhere you looked. The weekend by the water in a crowded park and people were killing beers at 10 in the morning. That was a real test for myself and I focused on how I would feel in the middle of the night when I was trying to sleep if I started drinking again. I could almost feel the pounding head and visualize myself walking into walls as I tried to find a bathroom. I've been at this long enough to know that if I had 1 I'd have 15 and end up a complete wreck. I got through it but it was a tough day for awhile. I'll tell you, nothing beats sitting by a campfire at night and draining a cooler full of beer.

I had a coke zero instead. Not bad


Congrats to all those staying sober. Really wish you all the best.

Congratulations on your big day coming up Ray. Make sure you post it, you've helped me out a ton over this last 9 months.

To all those struggling or deciding if they have a problem, good luck and hopefully you will make a good decision for yourselves. I'm another guy who quit more times than I can even count but it wasn't until I felt like I reached my own personal rock bottom that I truly made a real change. There's some serious soul searching involved in this decision.

Good luck.

You did so good. You did what they call "play the whole tape". All those thoughts that u had about the consequences is a very big deal. Usually the brain just shoves that sh&t aside and justifies getting drunk at all costs. Congrats man, that sounds like a battle that any lesser man would have lost. This does get easier buddy, I promise

[fingolfin34]

Thank you all for your recent posts. Much like a meeting, it is great for me to hear all of these stories. Some folks are new and just want to figure it out. Some are people who are serious about their recovery, but are having a trying time. Others are folks with some good solid time in sobriety leading the charge for all to follow. I hope to be one of those flag-bearers, of course, but I know that complacency is a danger for me. Yes, I have 5 years without drinking, and I am THANKFUL for that. God has brought me into contact with great groups of people. But, my history shows that my ego and self-will are my worst enemies. Just when I think things are finally 'better' or 'cured' it can all go to hell in a hurry.

Thank you, again for sharing your hardships, guys. It keeps me centered and focused. It wasn't too long ago that I was blaming my wife for the issues going on inside my head. I was neglectful of family due to MY addictions.

We can all get there, but we can only get there together. As my program says, 'let us talk to one another and reason things out, but let us not gossip or criticize each other. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in each of us, ONE DAY AT A TIME."

God bless you all,
Fin

[Rajon25]

SandS- that's where it starts, not blaming others for our problems


Mirrored- Sitting around a campfire not killing a cooler of beer can have just as much fun. In fact, I have found it to be more fun without it. Booze is not required for me to have a good time, I just needed time to learn to relax and have fun with life. It takes time, but with work we all get there. Good luck on the water!

Outdoor fire meant drinking. Now a days I actually enjoy and remember the fire and see the sunrise with out feeling like a bag of dog poo. You find joy in other things. Time is all we've got so spend it wisely.

[ScaleAndSteel]

Please don't boot me from this thread but I am drunk. I hope you don't kick me out. This is honestly the single best thing I have going right now.

I was sneaking beer tonight. I had lots. I do not nor will say how much. One time ago I would have bragged how much I could drink. Now...not so much. I feel embarrassed. Anyways, my wife came home (out with friends) and was going to bed and I said we have to talk. She saw what was up. She knows. She would have just gone to bed...maybe but I called attention to it. I am drunk. I have been drinking for hours. I am in a fog right now. But I told her. I just admitted everything. Cause usually I lie and hide it. I have gone to great lengths in the past to hide it but no more.

She knew. There was no surprise there. I don't know if that makes me feel good or really mad. She will not admit she is doing anything wrong. She never does. But I addressed that. Because I don't know anymore. I told her that I blame myself for this. I do. I truly do. It is my fault. Fuk this is hard.

I am a problem. Right now. I cannot stop. I just keep drinking and I cannot stop. I want to stop but it feels like I cant. I don't know what to do. I am going to own up to every time. No more hiding it anymore.

[fingolfin34]

Please don't boot me from this thread but I am drunk. I hope you don't kick me out. This is honestly the single best thing I have going right now.

I was sneaking beer tonight. I had lots. I do not nor will say how much. One time ago I would have bragged how much I could drink. Now...not so much. I feel embarrassed. Anyways, my wife came home (out with friends) and was going to bed and I said we have to talk. She saw what was up. She knows. She would have just gone to bed...maybe but I called attention to it. I am drunk. I have been drinking for hours. I am in a fog right now. But I told her. I just admitted everything. Cause usually I lie and hide it. I have gone to great lengths in the past to hide it but no more.

She knew. There was no surprise there. I don't know if that makes me feel good or really mad. She will not admit she is doing anything wrong. She never does. But I addressed that. Because I don't know anymore. I told her that I blame myself for this. I do. I truly do. It is my fault. Fuk this is hard.

I am a problem. Right now. I cannot stop. I just keep drinking and I cannot stop. I want to stop but it feels like I cant. I don't know what to do. I am going to own up to every time. No more hiding it anymore.

Most 12-step groups have an introductory line that goes something like, "The only requirement for attendance or participation is the desire to stop." You will not be kicked from the thread, but you must make a decision. You have already stated that you have a problem and that problem is causing more problems. What decision are you going to make? Will you decide that it's not really that bad and continue as you are, all the time feeling more and more pathetic, guilty and shameful? Or will you make the decision to find your nearest A.A. meeting and go to it as soon as possible? People there understand what you are going through. You may feel terrible about going, that door may weigh six thousand pounds, but when you push it open and take a seat amongst men and women who have been there and have found a new way to live, you can at last start to make real change in your life.

The most important thing for you to do is to continue to be completely honest with yourself. Right now may not be the best time to go into complete disclosure with your wife about your doings. That is actually part of the ninth step, and you should delay that for very good reasons.

Please continue to let us know how you are doing, for good or not-so-good. Send any one of us a private message if you need to. When you get into a real group, you will get a phone list and have the option of calling people to get help right when you need it. Wouldn't it have been wonderful to have spoken to someone at 11:12 last night instead of only being able to post on this forum??

We are here for you, brother, but we are not a true A.A. group. Many of us have gained sobriety through the steps and will preach the gospel of the steps ad infenitem. Others found their recovery through different paths.

I will leave you with the words that my wife gave me when my addictions blew up in my face 5 years ago. She said, "Get help or get out. And, you might need to get our anyway, so at least get help."

Getting that help has proven to be the greatest choice I have ever made. My marriage is better than its ever been (Just passed 15 years). I am more present mentally and emotionally for my children. And, I feel good about myself. I never would have started lifting if I didn't feel good about myself. I never would have taken my shirt off in public, and now I kinda like that I'm in shape and most other dudes aren't. Sobriety is a wonderful thing, bro. Get 'ya some!

[ScaleAndSteel]

I hope I am not kicked but this is how I feel cause I want to open up. I am down to 2 beers from a case. That is it. I am fukin angry right now. I am very, very mad. I feel like I could punch my computer. I already am walking around pissed off and want to fukin hit something. I need more. That is how I feel. I need fukin more beer right now.

Ok I am alright. Just trying to be honest here. I am very, very mad. I don't know how this is. This is where my anger is from. The stores are closed and the mother fukin cabinets have been emptied long ago, fuk. I am so angry right now. I only hope when I read this tomorrow I am as embarrassed as I usually am.

This isnt easy but I am going to say it. I am crying right now. I want you to read this tomorrow you POS and remember. This is how I feel. To many times you are here. It is easy. It doesnt feel good. I am shamed.

and one more thing. Rememer if you can how you felt that anger rise up. Instantly. Right now I feel nothing but anger. Feel that...remember that. You are so angry. For nothing other than there is no more beer. Remember you.

I want to sing this for my wife at my dads birthday. Can I do this?



I can do this. I suck at singing but she wont care.


Remember this


I looked every where and found nothing. I got dads non AA Champlain and he will know I drank it. I will probably drink it anyways. I am going to keep looking. there might be somethign some where

Read this. I know I will erase these posts in the morning but I want to write it right now. I am now drinking champain. The stuff is non-AA but I broke it out anyways. Fuk it. I have been listening to Unchained Melody for about two hours now. Fuk this world my man. The king is dead.

just for tomorow you know. I juist raided the fridge. I ate about a ton of food. I had a long confo with the wall too about singing later at my dads. she derservers it though. I am going to bed soon. I actually feel great right now.

I am multi-quoting myself from last night to save on posting/spam space. I decided not to delete this though. Yes I am embarrassed but I want to own up to this now. No more hiding it.

[raynerd]

I am multi-quoting myself from last night to save on posting/spam space. I decided not to delete this though. Yes I am embarrassed but I want to own up to this now. No more hiding it.

The thing is, u have no need to be embarrassed here. We have all done crap like this, and much much muuuch worse! The fact u posted on an Alcoholics site was probably your safest move! There are tons of people here that can help, if u listen. You are standing on a turning point here now, u can't stop drinking but u cannot keep doing this.
A) u can let go, go to AA and ask for help and do whatever it takes to stay sober
B) continue this cycle until it gets so bad, u will have the choice taken away from you.
I don't recommend B. We all don't want you to experience the bottoms that we have hit.

I spun your cycle for around 7-8 years until I gave myself to AA. Its an awful confusing and scary time. You feel you are in the edge of self-explosion and soon everything will be lost.

Make your move now, today, this doesn't get better man, we all have the same story. Get your head out if you a$$ and change your life for good.

Happiness awaits! Again PM me or anyone else here at anytime, we are all here to stay sober and keep others from the bottle. No strings, just unity and recovery.

[LadyLore420]

Holy wowsers. I had no idea there was a place to share for this.

Recovering addict/alcoholic, had some really rough times. Hitting 9 months in a couple weeks. Had a hard time keeping myself together lately, but just don't feel like going to meetings, I don't know what my friggin deal is. My sponsor let me go just the other day and maybe I'm just too pissed to go get another one.

Whatever. Subbing.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's turned to lifting to cope with the cravings and insanity.

Like wow. I'm really happy this place is here. Just thanks guys. All of you are awesome.

[raynerd]

Holy wowsers. I had no idea there was a place to share for this.

Recovering addict/alcoholic, had some really rough times. Hitting 9 months in a couple weeks. Had a hard time keeping myself together lately, but just don't feel like going to meetings, I don't know what my friggin deal is. My sponsor let me go just the other day and maybe I'm just too pissed to go get another one.

Whatever. Subbing.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's turned to lifting to cope with the cravings and insanity.

Like wow. I'm really happy this place is here. Just thanks guys. All of you are awesome.

Welcome! Great to have you here! Congrats on 9 months, stay strong and go back to the basics that worked in the beginning. Keep active and post here as well!

[Rajon25]

Holy wowsers. I had no idea there was a place to share for this.

Recovering addict/alcoholic, had some really rough times. Hitting 9 months in a couple weeks. Had a hard time keeping myself together lately, but just don't feel like going to meetings, I don't know what my friggin deal is. My sponsor let me go just the other day and maybe I'm just too pissed to go get another one.

Whatever. Subbing.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's turned to lifting to cope with the cravings and insanity.

Like wow. I'm really happy this place is here. Just thanks guys. All of you are awesome.

Great job of your 8 whatever months! I went to 90 in 90 mostly hated it, stuck with 3 times a week through the first year. I am past 2.5 years now and maybe hit a meeting once a month. The first year is the worst. PAWS (post acute withdrawal symptoms) can last up to two years depending on when you started drinking and for how long. Plus you are dealing with rapid emotional growth that was suppressed by the alcohol.

You aren't alone, AA isn't the only way (although it is the documented best way) and there is always help. Welcome to the thread and good luck!

[mirroroferised]

I am multi-quoting myself from last night to save on posting/spam space. I decided not to delete this though. Yes I am embarrassed but I want to own up to this now. No more hiding it.

There is absolutely no need to be embarrased.

When I first quit my wife just rolled her eyes. We chatted awhile later about how much I really used to drink and she wasn't surprised like I thought she'd be. She knew every single time. In her case she just wanted to avoid an unnecessary fight. Her view was why bother going down that road over and over again. To be honest she was very understanding with me but I was never the type of drunk to go out and get arrested or get into fights, in fact I always preferred to be left alone for the most part when drinking so in its own strange way that probably helped a lot.

You will get through this if you want to and it sounds like you do. I quit more times than I could ever count over 25 years I was drinking. I had to hit my own personal rock bottom before I just realized that I had had enough.

Holy wowsers. I had no idea there was a place to share for this.

Recovering addict/alcoholic, had some really rough times. Hitting 9 months in a couple weeks. Had a hard time keeping myself together lately, but just don't feel like going to meetings, I don't know what my friggin deal is. My sponsor let me go just the other day and maybe I'm just too pissed to go get another one.

Whatever. Subbing.

It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's turned to lifting to cope with the cravings and insanity.

Like wow. I'm really happy this place is here. Just thanks guys. All of you are awesome.

Congratulations on the nearly 9 months. It seems we both made the change around the same time. I'm 9 months on the 22.

Welcome aboard

[LadyLore420]

Lately, I get beat down. Like, nothing to be down about at all, but I just feel beat down, and start thinking about drinking. I then end up planning this entire big huge relapse ordeal and start imagining all the sympathy and I mentally get off on it. It's right before I get the keys to go to the liquor store that I catch myself and go WTF.

It just seems like the longer this goes on the harder it gets. I get to a meeting a week or so but they don't really help.

I know I need to hit some step work but that's not doing **** for me either since I can't get a bitch to stick with me or answer my phone calls.

The only recourse I have from myself each day is in the gym. That's it.

[Rajon25]

Lately, I get beat down. Like, nothing to be down about at all, but I just feel beat down, and start thinking about drinking. I then end up planning this entire big huge relapse ordeal and start imagining all the sympathy and I mentally get off on it. It's right before I get the keys to go to the liquor store that I catch myself and go WTF.

It just seems like the longer this goes on the harder it gets. I get to a meeting a week or so but they don't really help.

I know I need to hit some step work but that's not doing **** for me either since I can't get a bitch to stick with me or answer my phone calls.

The only recourse I have from myself each day is in the gym. That's it.

The gym is a good recourse. Have you done any therapy?

You are almost playing the tape all the way through as they say. Stop imagining the sympathy and imagine the ire you get for being a drunken ass and then imagine the pride your loved ones have for you not being a drunk and get off on that. A depressant doesn't elevate a depression, it suppresses the feelings while it is deepening the depression.

It's nice to see a couple of 9 month birthdays coming. I remember mine. I was out of intensive out patient therapy by that point and was out of professional care for the first time. 9 months is a good one. You have survived most of a year and gotten through probably most of the holidays.

[LadyLore420]

The gym is a good recourse. Have you done any therapy?

You are almost playing the tape all the way through as they say. Stop imagining the sympathy and imagine the ire you get for being a drunken ass and then imagine the pride your loved ones have for you not being a drunk and get off on that. A depressant doesn't elevate a depression, it suppresses the feelings while it is deepening the depression.

It's nice to see a couple of 9 month birthdays coming. I remember mine. I was out of intensive out patient therapy by that point and was out of professional care for the first time. 9 months is a good one. You have survived most of a year and gotten through probably most of the holidays.

I went to rehab when I started. It wasn't very encouraging. The only thing I got out of it all was that cravings don't last that long and how to be more mindful. Also got 20lbs which took forever to lose, but I guess as a meth addict I was just getting back to normal.

I do play the tape. I imagine being a college drop out, my loved ones and family shaking their heads, and just how I'll never go anywhere or be anything if I go through that again. It keeps me sober, but there's a difference between being sober and actively recovering. I need to be recovering :-(

[Rajon25]

I went to rehab when I started. It wasn't very encouraging. The only thing I got out of it all was that cravings don't last that long and how to be more mindful. Also got 20lbs which took forever to lose, but I guess as a meth addict I was just getting back to normal.

I do play the tape. I imagine being a college drop out, my loved ones and family shaking their heads, and just how I'll never go anywhere or be anything if I go through that again. It keeps me sober, but there's a difference between being sober and actively recovering. I need to be recovering :-(

I have already been in jail, a metal institution and died. So I am an absolutely model alcoholic. hahaha

Sounds like you learned more than you thought. Worry about just being sober in the first year. Recover later. This is a journey, not a temporary fix.

[EjnarKolinkar]

Lately, I get beat down. Like, nothing to be down about at all, but I just feel beat down, and start thinking about drinking. I then end up planning this entire big huge relapse ordeal and start imagining all the sympathy and I mentally get off on it. It's right before I get the keys to go to the liquor store that I catch myself and go WTF.

It just seems like the longer this goes on the harder it gets. I get to a meeting a week or so but they don't really help.

I know I need to hit some step work but that's not doing **** for me either since I can't get a bitch to stick with me or answer my phone calls.

The only recourse I have from myself each day is in the gym. That's it.

Derail it sooner. My relapses were a long time coming. If I can offer you any advice how to not relapse its to stop fantasizing about it as soon as it starts.

When that happens to me I stop, and redirect that fantasy right away with a phone call to a sober person. Or whatever else I can do at that point in time. Its part of training yourself not to obsess over getting loaded and you tend to get better at it over time. You practice when it comes up. That is how you make when the urge comes in a bad way........... from all the practice.

I know the feels trying to find a legit sponsor. Mine died a while back. Im not looking hard enough for a new one and I know it will catch up to me.

You have to go to more meetings, look harder for a sponsor. They are out there.

I might as well be typing all of this for myself to read.


Until you get someone, divert the getting loaded fantasy sooner. When it comes up, jump into action and do something else doesnt matter what. Read, run, call somebody you know and talk about whatever.

[tandpr]

When that happens to me I stop, and redirect that fantasy right away
I might as well be typing all of this for myself to read.


Until you get someone, divert the getting loaded fantasy sooner. When it comes up, jump into action and do something else doesnt matter what. Read, run, call somebody you know and talk about whatever.

I never really thought about it till you posted this. My biggest benders come on THursday after work when everyone has been telling stories all week. I abstain almost completely MOn - Thurs but come Thursday night, when my mouth has been watering all week and my mind has been going over how much fun it will be....... usually a late night bender followed by deep depression and regret and self loathing the next day.

If I could cut myself out of those convos and focus my mind on something productive maybe I wouldn't rush through my Thurs. workout so I can hurry up and get to the bar.??????

[tandpr]

Sorry to interrupt. Just wanted EjnarKolinkar to know he was passing out useful tools.

[mirroroferised]

I need to be in the gym almost every day or doing something athletic at least. If I don't, I'll cave. I'm getting better but the temptation is incredible. What's the most frustrating and trying part of all of this though is time, like mentioned above. For me, the longer it goes, the more I start to think I was completely over reacting 9 months ago when I finally threw in the towel. Why can't I just have a few. I mean christ there's just no way I'm as bad as some of the other people I've met or read about in here. I think about how I've been over reacting all these months (years even) and that I'm stronger than this.

But that's all bullsh!t and I know it. If I drink again I can forget every single gain I've made in the last 9 months. Not just in the gym but mentally and with my family. My wife and I have never been closer, my kids and I have always been very close but now it's just different. I don't feel like a complete douchebag, ahole father when I drag my lazy hung over ass out of bed to try and clean up whatever mess I left the house. I feel normal now. I like feeling normal and I need to remember that for me, 1 drink will never ever do. But it's hard. I don't think about it every day any more but it still hits and I'm getting to the point where I don't think it will ever completely go away

Stay strong everybody. Keep active. Be productive. I won't let this sh!tty feeling control my life and you can all do it too.

[mirroroferised]

Lately, I get beat down. Like, nothing to be down about at all, but I just feel beat down, and start thinking about drinking. I then end up planning this entire big huge relapse ordeal and start imagining all the sympathy and I mentally get off on it. It's right before I get the keys to go to the liquor store that I catch myself and go WTF.

It just seems like the longer this goes on the harder it gets. I get to a meeting a week or so but they don't really help.

I know I need to hit some step work but that's not doing **** for me either since I can't get a bitch to stick with me or answer my phone calls.

The only recourse I have from myself each day is in the gym. That's it.

My brother has been a part of AA for 35 years and it's done wonders for him. I've been to maybe a handful of meetings in 9 months. I am not discounting AA I know it's a powerful tool but for me, I need to do this on my own and sharing with my family or in this thread. Like you, I've completely immersed myself in the gym. It does work. Obviously I've had my stressful moments like I just posted but that's going to be there whether I'm working the program or not. I am not trying to open up a discussion on the validity of AA. We all have to figure out our own way through this. Keep posting. Get to meetings when you can but imo, and mine only, if you are not ready for a meeting than forcing yourself to go will not help matters.

I actually keep my log book nearby me at almost all times. One of the things I do from time to time is just flip through it. Plan next workouts and relive old ones. Hop on here and spend endless hours reading the journals. Maybe that's a waste of time but for me it's worked so far.

[ScaleAndSteel]

Most 12-step groups have an introductory line that ...!

The thing is,
Happiness awaits! Again PM me or anyone else here at anytime, we are all here to stay sober and keep others from the bottle. No strings, just unity and recovery.

There is absolutely no need to be embarrased.

Thank you guys for the support. It is truly appreciated. I have been reading lots of the posts in this thread. I do agree that I am going to have to go the local AA support group here and do face time. This forum is amazing and I feel fortunate for having it. I think for me to do this I will have to go and get with some local people. I am ready to make that next step.

[raynerd]

Thank you guys for the support. It is truly appreciated. I have been reading lots of the posts in this thread. I do agree that I am going to have to go the local AA support group here and do face time. This forum is amazing and I feel fortunate for having it. I think for me to do this I will have to go and get with some local people. I am ready to make that next step.

Awesome man. Throw yourself into this because thats how u get the returns you are seeking. Stick around here, we really do keep eachother sober.

[skinny2buff6]

I have quite a few 'failed' quit drinking threads. Starting of the first of this year I went 22 days straight with 0 sips and 0 alcoholic drinks. Since January 22 I have been drinking about once a week give or take. Tempted everyday to drink just because I am bored, and have nothing really going on at my life at the moment. I moved across the country and don't even have friends here to blow time with. Right now my life has been consisting of playing video games, applying for jobs, and lifting.

Past 2 weeks I have been doing a lot better though, I think I have only drank once in that time.

I think of it as a progression. When I quit smoking I went from smoking daily, multiple times a day, to smoking once a week, to once every few weeks, to once a month, to once a year. Getting past that 2 week hump is the hardest imo.

Still I think I am on the right track and will try to continue cutting back on my drinking. Really been focused on my gym gains lately and cutting a couple of lbs.

Hang in thur bros.

[mirroroferised]

Thank you guys for the support. It is truly appreciated. I have been reading lots of the posts in this thread. I do agree that I am going to have to go the local AA support group here and do face time. This forum is amazing and I feel fortunate for having it. I think for me to do this I will have to go and get with some local people. I am ready to make that next step.

Absolutely awesome. Good for you. There are people out there who will very clearly benefit from AA and the real time with other people. You sound like one of them. Good luck man!!!!!

[slyguy354]

I'm a raging alcoholic

I've been aware of my issue for quite some time

I drink in binges i go months at a time white knuckling and legit put myself together as a model citizen and it feels great

It's crazy how progressive this is tho, instantly hit the sht quicker and quicker each binge I go on a tear, almost be better if I drank daily and more ppl knew

All I know is I woke up two days ago with a massive bruise to my head and spent last two days pacing in my apartment til I started chugging the last bottle I had because when I started dozing off I was either fighting off a seizure or fighting off the light

All I fukin know is I'm done

No mas

[ScaleAndSteel]

It's crazy how progressive this is tho, instantly hit the sht quicker and quicker each binge I go on a tear

No mas

It has been very progressive for me. I used to get a six pack and be happy. Eventually I got a 40 oz with it...then a twelve pack...just kept going and going until I got where I am at now.

[criminal4889]

^ I know

It's crazy though the progression you wouldn't even necessarily expect even after decent chunks of sober time it still gets worse and worse, like even if you're not drinking the disease gets worse and worse

[raynerd]

It has been very progressive for me. I used to get a six pack and be happy. Eventually I got a 40 oz with it...then a twelve pack...just kept going and going until I got where I am at now.

You are bang on when you talk about it being progressive. I put in around 9 months of tough sobriety doing it basically on my own in the past. I went back to drinking and within a couple weeks it got worse than ever.

There are so many people that have gone back to drinking, even 30 years later, and killed themselves with alcohol in very short periods of time. This disease is no joke, treat it like terminal cancer, only difference is u can recover from this one. Millions and millions have done this. I wish you and everyone else struggling all the best. I can do this...so anyone can do this

[Rajon25]

I'm a raging alcoholic

I've been aware of my issue for quite some time

I drink in binges i go months at a time white knuckling and legit put myself together as a model citizen and it feels great

It's crazy how progressive this is tho, instantly hit the sht quicker and quicker each binge I go on a tear, almost be better if I drank daily and more ppl knew

All I know is I woke up two days ago with a massive bruise to my head and spent last two days pacing in my apartment til I started chugging the last bottle I had because when I started dozing off I was either fighting off a seizure or fighting off the light

All I fukin know is I'm done

No mas

This sounds familiar. :-)

What I wish I knew before I literally drank myself to death and woke up in the ICU at the closest hospital to my house because the paramedics were "pretty sure I wasn't going to make it" is that (in the US anyway) alcoholism is protected under the ADA and you may use Bill Clinton's Family Medical Leave to take a protected 12 weeks off of work (your employer is compelled to keep your position for you but they do not have to pay). The catch is once you declare you are an alcoholic and need help they can't fire you for drunken idiocy in the past but you had better not relapse.

Good luck finding the help you need and beating this. Alcohol addiction is tough but you are tougher.