Military Families - Thoughts on when to start a family?

[Glamorous]

Hey everyone,

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and wanted to get some opinions from (hopefully) experience military families or even just anyone who has kids.

My husband has enlisted in the Navy for 6 years and he is graduating from boot camp this month. We have been married a year, as of next weekend and been together for 3 years in August. We are both 26 years old. He has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship.

We were discussing WHEN we wanted to have children before we got married - but since the military wasn't in the plan at that time, our plans aren't really fitting anymore. We know for sure that we will be in South Carolina for 2 years while he does his schooling. After that, it's my understanding that the remaining 4 years of enlistment time will consist of him deploying for periods of time, returning, deploying, etc.

I am thinking that if we want to have a baby it would be a smart move to do it while he is in school, considering I KNOW he will be home for those 2 years and I won't be put in a situation where I will be pregnant and alone - or worse - giving birth all alone! I don't have a strong relationship with my mom or his family.

My original thoughts were to "start" trying around age 28, but in our situation now - that will be right at a time when he will be "eligible" for deploying. So, I am thinking of starting sooner to avoid what I said above, about being left all alone.

The down side to that option is that we haven't been married very long and we won't get to "enjoy" each other - as everyone says. He already has one child, so it's not like we don't already have another responsibility back home, however, we don't have custody of that child and he doesn't affect our day to day lives in the same way. (I hope that doesn't sound bad, I don't mean it to - he is in Washington State).

Any thoughts or advice? Would you plan around a military schedule or just continue on with the original plan and hope it works itself out? Obviously, worst case scenario, I could have someone come stay with me - but it wouldn't likely be family...and most of my friends have jobs that they can't just leave for long periods of time.

Looking forward to your responses!

[rockangel]

Hey everyone,

I've been thinking about this a lot lately and wanted to get some opinions from (hopefully) experience military families or even just anyone who has kids.

My husband has enlisted in the Navy for 6 years and he is graduating from boot camp this month. We have been married a year, as of next weekend and been together for 3 years in August. We are both 26 years old. He has a 5 year old son from a previous relationship.

We were discussing WHEN we wanted to have children before we got married - but since the military wasn't in the plan at that time, our plans aren't really fitting anymore. We know for sure that we will be in South Carolina for 2 years while he does his schooling. After that, it's my understanding that the remaining 4 years of enlistment time will consist of him deploying for periods of time, returning, deploying, etc.

I am thinking that if we want to have a baby it would be a smart move to do it while he is in school, considering I KNOW he will be home for those 2 years and I won't be put in a situation where I will be pregnant and alone - or worse - giving birth all alone! I don't have a strong relationship with my mom or his family.

My original thoughts were to "start" trying around age 28, but in our situation now - that will be right at a time when he will be "eligible" for deploying. So, I am thinking of starting sooner to avoid what I said above, about being left all alone.

The down side to that option is that we haven't been married very long and we won't get to "enjoy" each other - as everyone says. He already has one child, so it's not like we don't already have another responsibility back home, however, we don't have custody of that child and he doesn't affect our day to day lives in the same way. (I hope that doesn't sound bad, I don't mean it to - he is in Washington State).

Any thoughts or advice? Would you plan around a military schedule or just continue on with the original plan and hope it works itself out? Obviously, worst case scenario, I could have someone come stay with me - but it wouldn't likely be family...and most of my friends have jobs that they can't just leave for long periods of time.

Looking forward to your responses!

Honestly, as a military wife and mother, I say have the baby when you are ready. Dont plan it around the military, cause the military aint that easy.

Plans often do change, at the last minute and often quickly, especially if he is on a ship, but ish happens all the time. Orders get made, opportunities arise that you may not have thought about.

There is a saying that you will learn as a navy wife. Goes like this "nothing is for certain in the military, unless it has all ready happened and even then its questionable."

Also, you will learn, being a military spouse is THE hardest job in the military. Its long deployments, lots of time alone, lots of uncertainty about your future (because you never know where the next orders will lead you), its not a regular 9-5 job. Even with my hubby on shore duty, many things are difficult. There is a term used by mil wives "married single parent" because even though you are married, you as the spouse are left responsible for the children and home life. Even when they are not deployed.

And dont think that just because he is in school everything will be sunshine and daisies. He wont be able to miss certain days to get off to go with you to doctor appointments, he wont be able to go in and leave at specific times, you will have a hrad time scheduling time with him. My hubby has been to NUMEROUS schools, so many that I now hate to hear him say,"I have to go to school" Drives me freakin insane!!

I also have been pregnant through two deployments, which by the way, never seem to go quite as planned. I was preggo with my second child, my hubby was SUPPOSED to be on a 6 month deployment and then home, that turned into a 9 month deployment. I was LUCKY that the ship came in 2 days before i was scheduled to be induced and that we were able to convince his CMC that he should not leave with the ship the day i was induced.

Not trying to scare you but trying to make the point that you can not schedule anything with the Navy. Not like you are trying to do.

I have some real stories I could tell you how things change. Like with our current orders, I cant count now how many times they have tried to send my hubby IA (read Iraq) just since we have been here, and this is SHORE DUTY!!!

Have the baby when you feel it is right for you and your family.Not by the navy. Also, we navy wives are a pretty big family. There is always someone there to help you because she knows exactly what you are going through.

And now that he is Navy, only worry about the time you have together. Dont worry about the time you dont. Dont worry if you arent together every holiday, birthday or anniversary. Count everyday together as special because it wont be long, he will be on a ship and things are diffferent on a ship. You wont even know till you experience it. Good Luck to you.

[NewMomma09]

Hey girl! I am married to a sailor! Well, he was in the military for nearly 10 years on subs until he was injured and had to get out, and we also have two kids....anyway, I totally get where you're coming from. If it were me, I would probably do it while he's in school, especially if you're not wanting to experience the pregnancy/delivery alone, (deployments can be a little unpredictable). Of course only you and your hubby are the only ones that can really gauge the right timing. I'm assuming that with his 6 year enlistment and 2 years of school, that he is going to be a nuke? If that is the case, the school is pretty tough, but the hours are pretty much like a day job (except for studying of course). IMO, it would be a good time, but again, that's completely up to you guys. I have friends that plan child birth around deployments, and then I have some that just have them regardless of the boat's schedule, it's a totally personal choice. Anyway, good luck, and I hope things work out for you both!!

[Glamorous]

Honestly, as a military wife and mother, I say have the baby when you are ready. Dont plan it around the military, cause the military aint that easy.

Also, you will learn, being a military spouse is THE hardest job in the military. Its long deployments, lots of time alone, lots of uncertainty about your future (because you never know where the next orders will lead you), its not a regular 9-5 job. Even with my hubby on shore duty, many things are difficult. There is a term used by mil wives "married single parent" because even though you are married, you as the spouse are left responsible for the children and home life. Even when they are not deployed.

And dont think that just because he is in school everything will be sunshine and daisies. He wont be able to miss certain days to get off to go with you to doctor appointments, he wont be able to go in and leave at specific times, you will have a hard time scheduling time with him.

Not trying to scare you but trying to make the point that you can not schedule anything with the Navy.

Thanks for the info. Are you army...? I am thankful that the navy does pretty short deployments in comparison to some of the other branches.

I understand that the likelihood of him missing a lot of major events is just inevitable...but if he could not miss his child's birth (at least the first one! lol) that would be a plus in my book. Just in boot camp, he's missed our 1st wedding anniversary, my bday, his sons bday and a ton of other family functions. Oh well - it's part of life now!

Hey girl! I am married to a sailor! Well, he was in the military for nearly 10 years on subs until he was injured and had to get out, and we also have two kids....anyway, I totally get where you're coming from. If it were me, I would probably do it while he's in school, especially if you're not wanting to experience the pregnancy/delivery alone, (deployments can be a little unpredictable). Of course only you and your hubby are the only ones that can really gauge the right timing. I'm assuming that with his 6 year enlistment and 2 years of school, that he is going to be a nuke? If that is the case, the school is pretty tough, but the hours are pretty much like a day job (except for studying of course). IMO, it would be a good time, but again, that's completely up to you guys. I have friends that plan child birth around deployments, and then I have some that just have them regardless of the boat's schedule, it's a totally personal choice. Anyway, good luck, and I hope things work out for you both!!

Why hello! Yes, you are correct. He's starting the nuke school next month, I believe. Yes, we've heard the school is ridiculous and that when he's not in school he will need to be studying - which is fine. I understand that. I don't mind experience PART of the pregnancy alone, but I am seriously freaked out by the idea of labor all alone...

[NewMomma09]

That's awesome! Both of my brothers were nukes and went to school in Charleston, SC (although they were surface). A friend of mine is in Charleston now (her hubby is a sub nuke). If you ever have any questions, feel free to pm me! Military wives do have a tough job and have to stick together! Is your husband surface or subs? If he's subs, you'll find that the sub community like a big family since it's not as big as other branches and you all are dealing with the same things. My husband was on fast attacks (6-7 month deployments), but there are also boomers (3 months in, 3 months out, etc). Once you get stationed/settled, you'll have a better idea of what your needs are, but there are some wonderful groups for military wives also. I was also a civilian military instructor, so I kind of know the "ins and outs" so to speak. I'm sure at this point, you're just happy to have him coming home from boot camp though, lol!

Edit: I completely understand not wanting to deliver alone! I had a friend that had her first while her hubby was deployed. FYI, one down side to subs is that there is very limited contact during deployments due to secrecy, etc. In this case, he didn't even get a pic of his new baby for 2 months.

[smdiskin]

Hi ...
Well I'm not a military wife... but I am what a previous poster called a "married single parent". Í've been with my hubby some 17 years... and we kept putting off having kids for years... at first cos we were students and had no money, then I was seriously ill and then there was career... and finally 3.5 years ago we left everything in the UK and came out to Botswana with no particular plans to start a family... most of our families actually thought that at this stage we wouldn't have any... I went off the pill as there was no point being on it as he was never around... and all of a sudden atthe age of 35 I found myself pregnant and more or less on my own in a country 1000s of miles from home... we now have a beautiful 18month old and I still hardly ever see him (I've seen him for less than 10 days this year) and unlike a military wife, I don't have the support of other women in the same situation... but...
What I'm trying to say is don't put it off because of this that or the other reason, have a baby when you are ready for it and you can be the best mother you can. Take what support your husband can give you and try not to resent him for giving you less than you think he should (LOL... easier said than done)... accept the support of the other wives and enjoy you baby(ies)...
I wish I hadn't put things off so late... but I can't change the past... so I enjoy my little boy and have as much fun with him as I can...

[rockangel]

Um, nope I am a Navy wife, hubby has been navy for 10 yrs.
while the navy has some wonderful aspects like free housing and free medical, never trust them to do what they say. It always changes. Dont wait to do things on the navy schedule, they dont really have a schedule. Even if your hubby was supposed to be home on the due date of your child, that dont mean he WILL be there.
You can not schedule things out perfectly like that because you can not control anything about the navy, nor can you guess what they will do.
Want to ask me about the christmas before the last deployment he did?? The one where we paid lots of money to fly to go see our family only to be called back 4 days later because the powers that be decided the ship was leaving two weeks early?? (yes he was on leave with all leave paperwork done) Like I said, just because something is supposed to happen a certain way, doesnt mean it really will in the navy.

[patterson678]

Air Force wife here. Been Married for two years and have been trying for a baby for 6 months. I would say to wait till you are really ready. Give it some time to get use to the military life. As someone already said nothing is certian in the military. Also you may not get pregnant right away. Like I said we have been trying for 6 months.

[Glamorous]

Thanks for the posts.

I understand how the military works - grew up in a military town and have lots of family members who are now retired. I understand you cant "count" on anything - although there are a few certainties. Right now we know hubby is going to school, the length of time, and we know after that he will be deploying. Nice and vague.

I wasn't going to have a baby when I wasn't ready. Heck, I would love to try to get pregnant right now, but I know hubby won't go for that.

I guess we'll just feel the situation out and see how things fall into place over the next 6 months -1 year. Not much else I can do anyway!

I guess absolute WORST case scenario, I would have to have a best friend step in his shoes at the birth and I would still survive...and we would still have a baby, so in the scheme of things in life, it's not horrible. Just not ideal or preferred.