Dating a girl with a kid (thats not yours)

[lac38780]

Iv only dated one person with a kid (slept with some others) and it was weird. Her baby was less than a year old and the father was out of the picture but it was still weird and i had the same issues as OP. We ended up breaking up for totally unrelated reasons but while it lasted, i got used to the baby and it really wasnt as weird as i thought it would be.

[Jaw-Knee]

its just an analogy. calm down killa.

Kind of a weak analogy, don't you think?

Seriously, man... A dent in your car doesn't come with a biological father who has the potential to make your life difficult. You're not gonna catch flak for disciplining a dent in your car because it "isn't your right." You don't run the risk of showing favoritism to a dent you put in your own car versus a dent somebody else put in it.

What if you've always wanted kids but the woman you took a chance on considers her child(ren) to be more than enough? What if that discussion only seriously comes after you've spent years with her?

What if she's only waiting for you to put a ring on her finger so she can stop going through the motions of a relationship because it means she's snagged herself a new daddy for her kids and thus doesn't have to put in any more work? Plenty of women are deceptive like that. Hell, if a married woman can screw a guy on the side, have his baby and make her husband believe its his child up until his dying day--which happens a lot more than people care to think--how easy would it be for a woman who has a child to dupe a guy into supporting her and her kid without the stress of keeping up a big-ass scam like paternity fraud?

What if you do end up having a kid with her and and it turns out you love your child more because of the blood connection? You're never going to know that things won't go that way until you're put in that situation. It's easy to tell somebody to man up if you've never been there before, and what works for one guy isn't going to work for every guy.

Sometimes things aren't so cut and dry.

[solidsnake88]

i feel like this thread equally applies to me as i am in the SAME EXACT situation as the OP.

Ive dated a woman with a kid for 7 years. She had him when she was a senior in HS. His father disowned him and signed his papers over. Hes now 11 and has never met his POS father. I guess it helped a lot that I never had to deal with the father. And it also helps that I was raised and loved by my step father (rip).


You need to figure out whats bothering you about it......

A. You want all of her love and attention but she of course has to put her child #1.

B. Her and another man were once in love and had the life changing experience of having a child together. So now it wont be the same for the 2 of you when you have children. That is something you wanted to experience it for the 1st time together. No one wants to think of the love of their life having a past with another man.

C. You just dont want to raise another mans child.

D. All of the above.

it's definitely D for me. that's my main problem...i've never been in this situation and it eats me up every day.

Good Post..

What really bothers me is that i wish i could of been the person that she experienced her first child with, and i feel that while if we were to have kids, while it would be the most special thing for me, i feel that she wont feel as special as her first kid. She got preg while a senior in high school and claims she never loved him, but regardless hes always going to be in the picture in one form or another.

Im so confused...Ive been in the process of shopping for engagement rings cause i wanted to propose to her on new years, but when i think about stuff like this i just completely back off and start re-evaluating the entire situation. I really feel that she is the one for me, and i would love to have her by my side throughout life but to be really honest the whole kid thing really has an affect on me. But as much as i hate it, i cant imagine losing her and losing the happiness she gives me. We always have deep talks about how she wants to have all of my kids, and about how she wants to be the mrs and about how she wants me to be a father to her child. Everytime the convo comes up my stomach starts to turn, but i need to face the reality.. if i want to be with her long term im gonna to have to be a father figure to this child (hes 3).

Hes a good kid.. he really is, and i try to not have that macho mentality where "Hes not my kid", but it affects me more than it should. Ive been at the jewlery store the past 3 days being seconds away from buying her the engagement ring but havent gone through with it for this exact reason. Also it doesnt help that everyone tells me "Bro you can find someone just as good if not better than doesnt have any kids.. why are you putting yourself in this situation" Which is true... but the fact of the matter is.. I love her

i think this is also my problem. she's already done the "having kids for the first time, getting married for the first time, blah blah etc" and i've never done any of that. i feel it's gonna be feelings that she's shared with another man in the past and this bothers me to no end.

We just finished talking to each other and saying good night and there is no fukin question.. I LOVE HER TO DEATH! I am going to go ahead and get her the engagement ring tommorow and propose on new years. Before we get married her and her son will come live with me and we will see how that works out. I need to give it a chance and see how it is going to work out.

You dont really know someone to the fullest until you live with them, so thats what were going to do before we engage in marriage. I am going into this with the intentions of marrying her and spending the rest of my life with her. Thx everyone for your responses.

congrats to you bro. i'm glad you have the mental strength to go through with it. i wish i had some of that. good luck to you!

[LeftNut]

Kind of a weak analogy, don't you think?

Seriously, man... A dent in your car doesn't come with a biological father who has the potential to make your life difficult. You're not gonna catch flak for disciplining a dent in your car because it "isn't your right." You don't run the risk of showing favoritism to a dent you put in your own car versus a dent somebody else put in it.

What if you've always wanted kids but the woman you took a chance on considers her child(ren) to be more than enough? What if that discussion only seriously comes after you've spent years with her?

What if she's only waiting for you to put a ring on her finger so she can stop going through the motions of a relationship because it means she's snagged herself a new daddy for her kids and thus doesn't have to put in any more work? Plenty of women are deceptive like that. Hell, if a married woman can screw a guy on the side, have his baby and make her husband believe its his child up until his dying day--which happens a lot more than people care to think--how easy would it be for a woman who has a child to dupe a guy into supporting her and her kid without the stress of keeping up a big-ass scam like paternity fraud?

What if you do end up having a kid with her and and it turns out you love your child more because of the blood connection? You're never going to know that things won't go that way until you're put in that situation. It's easy to tell somebody to man up if you've never been there before, and what works for one guy isn't going to work for every guy.

Sometimes things aren't so cut and dry.

[optimus1]

why would u date a woman with a kid? ****, I can understand, but date? That just seems overly harsh to me unless you have some intention of committing. There's sadly far too many hot single moms out there looking for sugar daddies. No disrespect there, but that's the reality. They need another earner. Some are just lookin for a good ****, but most want/need a full time Daddy around. Leading some bitch on for a few months knowing you're not gonna commit is cruel imo, and that's in spite of the fact that yeah she probably is responsible for her husband leaving by cheating or who knows what.

[CCIE]

solidsnake88 - how long you been with your girl? Can you see yourself marrying her and possibly having kids of your own with her? Is she worth the trouble? How many kids does she have?


We could go out and find a girl that hasn't had any kids nor marriage and experience it for the first time together, but can you see yourself without her? Even though i fukn hate the fact that she has a kid from another guy, i really cant imagine not being with her. Plus we plan on having kids together and getting married so that makes me feel a bit better. i still feel like crap, just not as much.

I want to get engaged with her cause i really dont want to risk losing her. I want to show her that i am 150% serious about us and that i want to spend the rest of my life with her. I wont actually go through the marriage though until we live together (all 3 of us) and see how that works out. If everything works out good, this time next year ill be a married man. I know exactly how you feel snake.. im in the same shoes bro... but you love her man.. you gotta try to accept it.

[txmxer]

if you consider her 3yr old "baggage" then iy wont work out anyways.


/thread.

This was exactly what I was gonna say. You sound pretty immature calling a 3 year old baggage thats an actual human being with feelings and emotions. Dont you think its tough for that 3 year old too? The fact that his real father and his mother arent together anymore and theres this new guy around his mom now? Im not trying to be ajerk and maybe your not immature and it just came off this way. But I can sympathize with the kid because I have a 5 year old nephew and id be pissed if a guy who was dating his mom considered him "extra baggage".

[CCIE]

This was exactly what I was gonna say. You sound pretty immature calling a 3 year old baggage thats an actual human being with feelings and emotions. Dont you think its tough for that 3 year old too? The fact that his real father and his mother arent together anymore and theres this new guy around his mom now? Im not trying to be ajerk and maybe your not immature and it just came off this way. But I can sympathize with the kid because I have a 5 year old nephew and id be pissed if a guy who was dating his mom considered him "extra baggage".

True.... baggage was the wrong term. My bad


She means the world to me and i understand that she is a package deal.. and i am ok with that. Its hard to explain tho.. you gotta be in this situation to fully understand.

[solidsnake88]

solidsnake88 - how long you been with your girl? Can you see yourself marrying her and possibly having kids of your own with her? Is she worth the trouble? How many kids does she have?


We could go out and find a girl that hasn't had any kids nor marriage and experience it for the first time together, but can you see yourself without her? Even though i fukn hate the fact that she has a kid from another guy, i really cant imagine not being with her. Plus we plan on having kids together and getting married so that makes me feel a bit better. i still feel like crap, just not as much.

I want to get engaged with her cause i really dont want to risk losing her. I want to show her that i am 150% serious about us and that i want to spend the rest of my life with her. I wont actually go through the marriage though until we live together (all 3 of us) and see how that works out. If everything works out good, this time next year ill be a married man. I know exactly how you feel snake.. im in the same shoes bro... but you love her man.. you gotta try to accept it.

man i wish i had your mentality bro. she only has 1 kid, and we've been together for 6 months now. dude if she didn't have a kid i would marry her tomorrow. i definitely can't imagine my life without her, but i KNOW if i stay with her and marry her it will eat me up every single day knowing i have to raise a kid that's not my own - and i doubt that will be healthy in the long run. right now i'm just playing it by ear hoping i can get over it soon...otherwise i will have to break it off to preserve my mental health and any more suffering for her. i think i have issues man....lol

[solidsnake88]

True.... baggage was the wrong term. My bad


She means the world to me and i understand that she is a package deal.. and i am ok with that. Its hard to explain tho.. you gotta be in this situation to fully understand.

she's always telling me that's it's a "package deal" too lol. i just blow it off and say ya and don't show her that it bothers me. maybe i am too immature for this and can't handle it at my age? i hope that's the case and i hope time will heal everything.

[optimus1]

solidsnake88 - how long you been with your girl? Can you see yourself marrying her and possibly having kids of your own with her? Is she worth the trouble? How many kids does she have?


We could go out and find a girl that hasn't had any kids nor marriage and experience it for the first time together, but can you see yourself without her? Even though i fukn hate the fact that she has a kid from another guy, i really cant imagine not being with her. Plus we plan on having kids together and getting married so that makes me feel a bit better. i still feel like crap, just not as much.

I want to get engaged with her cause i really dont want to risk losing her. I want to show her that i am 150% serious about us and that i want to spend the rest of my life with her. I wont actually go through the marriage though until we live together (all 3 of us) and see how that works out. If everything works out good, this time next year ill be a married man. I know exactly how you feel snake.. im in the same shoes bro... but you love her man.. you gotta try to accept it.

You just need to keep in touch with the reality of the situation, that most likely she has lowered her standards a little bit because she NEEDS a dude around. Important to be aware that the lovey dovey **** now can change in an instant, a ****in instant, once she's achieved her objective. Not trying to be harsh here, but that's how they work. Not saying it's a TARP man but u gotta at least be aware that **** is possible.

[CCIE]

man i wish i had your mentality bro. she only has 1 kid, and we've been together for 6 months now. dude if she didn't have a kid i would marry her tomorrow. i definitely can't imagine my life without her, but i KNOW if i stay with her and marry her it will eat me up every single day knowing i have to raise a kid that's not my own - and i doubt that will be healthy in the long run. right now i'm just playing it by ear hoping i can get over it soon...otherwise i will have to break it off to preserve my mental health and any more suffering for her. i think i have issues man....lol

It aint easy man.. My mind is always back and forth.. one second im saying that i can do this, than the next second im saying " i dont need this ****" but at the end of the day.. i love her


lol i always say that sh*t also "If she didnt have any kids i would marry her in heartbeat!" Fact of the matter is our girls do have a child and anything we say or do isnt gonna change that

Ive been with my girl about the same amount of time, and i may be rushing to get engaged with her, but damn i cant help it. And the way i look at it is were gonna live together before we get married so worse case scenario i lost out on the money i spent on the ring... lol

[Horns3]

dated a chick last year that had a kid, she was a redhead, real athletic, sweet, she just had a kid...and it got annoying

[WIP]

Kind of a weak analogy, don't you think?

Seriously, man... A dent in your car doesn't come with a biological father who has the potential to make your life difficult. You're not gonna catch flak for disciplining a dent in your car because it "isn't your right." You don't run the risk of showing favoritism to a dent you put in your own car versus a dent somebody else put in it.

What if you've always wanted kids but the woman you took a chance on considers her child(ren) to be more than enough? What if that discussion only seriously comes after you've spent years with her?

What if she's only waiting for you to put a ring on her finger so she can stop going through the motions of a relationship because it means she's snagged herself a new daddy for her kids and thus doesn't have to put in any more work? Plenty of women are deceptive like that. Hell, if a married woman can screw a guy on the side, have his baby and make her husband believe its his child up until his dying day--which happens a lot more than people care to think--how easy would it be for a woman who has a child to dupe a guy into supporting her and her kid without the stress of keeping up a big-ass scam like paternity fraud?

What if you do end up having a kid with her and and it turns out you love your child more because of the blood connection? You're never going to know that things won't go that way until you're put in that situation. It's easy to tell somebody to man up if you've never been there before, and what works for one guy isn't going to work for every guy.

Sometimes things aren't so cut and dry.

point made. good post. what i was trying to get across with my car analogy is to not let her "flaws" ruin her image. and yes, she could be playin possum with this guy just to have support...or you could be totally wrong and she may actually be a decent woman who just wants to be happy with the man she loves....thats gonna have to be for OP to figure out. the only experience i can offer this thread is having seen a close female friend go through something similiar...she's a good girl, not out to get a man to support her kid b/c she does fine on her own, she just wants a good man as she told me and several other friends so many times. i've seen her date quite a few guys and they all cut contact after the first couple times going out cause she has a kid. its like her handicap. i mean, its best they do if they know thats just not for them.....doesnt make them bad people, just honest. i just always felt bad for her...fortunalty she met someone and they are happy, so it worked out. the kids dad is still around and helps when he can. the guy she is with doesnt try to be the kids dad....he's just good to the kid, helps him, and is a positive role model.

so i guess what i'm saying is for OP to ultimately do what is right for him...thats the best thing he can do...but also to not let the fact that she has a kid run him off. people must do what is best for themselves sometimes and in the end it will be best for everyone involved. i totally understand your point though. all im saying is they arent all like that, and every situation is different as far the biological father is concerned. i do agree with your last statement about loving your own kid more and that causing problems...that is bad news when it begins to effect the family dynamic. i hope OP's judgement ends up being right for his situation.....hefty amount of thinking to do.

[Autopilot]

Good Post..

What really bothers me is that i wish i could of been the person that she experienced her first child with, and i feel that while if we were to have kids, while it would be the most special thing for me, i feel that she wont feel as special as her first kid.

I could tell that his was the issue. Its not the child that bothers you....its her past....and her child will constantly remind you of that....whether it be the child or the interaction you have with his father.

People date other people...they fall in and out of love...they meet new people. Its a part of life...everyone does it. You did it...she did it. She happened to have a child along the way. If she was in HS when she got preggo Id venture to say that she probably wasnt in love....maybe puppy love....but nothing near the feelings you have for eachother.

Put yourself in her shoes. What if you had a child from a previous relationship. You meet the girl of your dreams and fall in love with each other. Along the way she decided you are the perfect man for her but she cant handle the past or your baggage (kid) so she leaves you. How would that make you feel? Prob not very good.

Step back and take a look at the big picture and decide whats best for you. In the end you have to look out for #1. If you arent happy...you're never going to make someone else happy. Id say go for it bro....it really sounds like you love her. Letting thoughts of her past continuouslty mindfukc you is definitely not going to help things....Ive been there...its very self destructive. This is all just another roadbump in life that youll have to get over.

Think about the future...not the past.

[DoubtErased]

My current GF(FineFlgrl85) has a 4 year old. We have been together for a year almost and I have no complaints at all. She is everything I want in a girl and there is absolutely NO WAY I would let that go. I have a 5 year old myself so it kinda works out in the best interest anyways. I raise her daugther as my own and treat her with the same love and respect I do my own child. One of the things that attracted me to her more after we started dating was her mother instincts. The way she raised her child she wasnt the type of girl I am used to seeing at her age who have a kid that try to get every free moment possible away from the kid to go party. I really liked that because it showed me that if we ever had a kid down the road together I know how good of a mother will be to our kid. She also treats my daughter with love and care and always wants to be around her also

[SaviorSix]

I was with a woman who had a 10 year old - She wanted me to meet him, but I never did. I felt guilty because I didn't want to confuse him.

[euclid]

If you can't accept the child, you are never going to be able to accept the mother. If she is everything you want in a woan the child should be an added blessing, not a burden.

Try getting involved in raising the shild as well. Dealing with the father shouldn't be to hard, just let him know that while he is the fatehr of the child you are part of the childs life as well. Try to get along and raise the child as your girlfriend and her ex would like, but don't go out of your way to be their ideal parent. Raise the child like you would your own as well, show it all the love you would your own child and you'll have the added blessing of a child in your life.

I learned this from my dad, whom is not my genetic father, but raised me as if I were. He never treated me any different than my sisters (his children through my mom) and never withheld is care for my brother and I. He is my dad, and I love him. I know how hard it can be (second wife had two children from a previous marriage, who still call me daddy).

I'd buy you a beer. This is some of the best advice I've read in this section. My stepdad sounds a lot like yours. My biological father was rarely in the picture, saw him maybe 1-2 times a year even though he lived less than 10 miles away. My stepdad, however, did everything for me and I NEVER felt like I wasn't his own.

OP - if you love this woman, you've got to love the child, too. I'm telling you, if things workout between you and your gf and you treat the child as your own you will be paid back for it; you'll be this kid's hero.

[KillatWill]

You have to make a decision to either accept it or not. Its not easy raising a kid let alone someone elses, but after doing it for three years I can say its one of the greatest expierences of my life. I love my stepson for who he is and not just beacuse of my wife and I make sure I treat him like I would my own son. These days kids need all the positive people in their lives that they can get. I make sure that we have time to do cool things together, just the two of us.I can only hope that I do my job right and when he's older he could very well be my best friend. remember family is what you make it.

[J_L_R]

So im dating this chick... she is by far the best gf i have ever had... makes me so happy.. great looking, great in bed.. just all around such a great catch! But the only issue is that she has some baggage.. a 3 year old.

While it shoudnt bother me .. it does.. I hate the fact that she already has a kid, and that not only am i gonna have to do with the kid, but also deal with the father.

Anyone else have probs dealing with sh*t like this? I really cant imagine losing her, but it kills me that she has that baggage

thats really the only part i hate about women with children. Last girl I talked to that had a child would tell me the childs father said he would not babysit HIS OWN CHILD, unless she had sex wit him or gave him a blowjob. We only lasted 3 weeks. Its usually best to step into that situation with the child at a young age as they can grow into the relationship as opposed to older children who KNOW you are not their father and resent you for it.(sorry if that was already stated, did not read all others post).

[DoubtErased]

thats really the only part i hate about women with children.

Actually I have yet to deal with the father personally. I have called him and left a VM about calling my GF a name but that was about it

[Gr8Ape]

You dont like kids?

[J_L_R]

Actually I have yet to deal with the father personally. I have called him and left a VM about calling my GF a name but that was about it

with all due respect, you're 6'3 230lbs, I dont think he will be calling you back



to me its just the fact they you know they have trust with each other and we all know that even when we break off relationships, most of the time we continue having sex with that person until we find something new. So my issue with the fathers is just not knowing what they are trying to get out the mother even though their time together has come and gone. I know thats a little insecure but i have seen happen time and time again.

[DoubtErased]

with all due respect, you're 6'3 230lbs, I dont think he will be calling you back

lmao

dude is a loser anyways. I pretty much told him I will raise his daugther with the best of my abilities and if he didnt like it then tough **** and what I do in my house is my business. Most fathers who freak out are usually the ones who still want to hold on to hope of being with their ex. The mother of my daugther got married over the summer, I told the husband congrats and that I dont care what goes on as long it doesnt affect my daughter.

to me its just the fact they you know they have trust with each other and we all know that even when we break off relationships, most of the time we continue having sex with that person until we find something new. So my issue with the fathers is just not knowing what they are trying to get out the mother even though their time together has come and gone. I know thats a little insecure but i have seen happen time and time again.

That is all about the trust with your woman though. If you trust her 100% I promise it wont even bother you. Most women go back and fourth with the guy for a couple of years give or take honestly I know I did with my baby mama. But I say 80% of the time the breakup is not a good one so they usually hate the father

[jkd5h2]

i've been dating this 32 yo for 6 months with a 11 year old kid. definitely the best gf i have EVER had..i love her so much i can't live without her.

it was fine in the beginning. now it eats me up EVERY SECOND she mentions her kid. maybe i'm young and immature, but i just cannot fathom taking care of a kid thats not my own. every second of it reminds me of her past...i still avoid hanging out with her when she has her kid.

i KNOW it's gonna ruin my relationship and we're gonna end up breaking up and kills me inside. she doesn't know this though....

i dunno what to do

**** ride it out, but it will probably end...shes dumb for dating someone who is 21 and expecting it to last...no offense to you

/just got married to wife with kid

[ICQ666]

From personal experience, I feel you man. My girfriend has a kid and I really like kids and this kid is awesome! You just have to be careful and not ruin the child's mind if you don't plan to be with her in the future. I know that it's hard to accept that he/she is not your child and that's where everything comes from. When you see this child, you wonder, where the fawk is the father/mother? What was the relationship like when your girl was with the father? How did he treat her? How did he made love to her? I understand and I can't also explain what you are trying to say, but there is something that bothers that doesn't let you accept 100% that the child is not yours and the fact that he/she will be there for the rest of your girfriend's life.

The I have also thought the worst, and I hope God forgives me, and said, "I wish the kid was not around" This happens only sometimes, but most of the time I like the kid and I don't have nothing against him of course. He respects me and I just have a hard time "loving" like his father would, just because of the thought the he is not mine. The past also comes to my mind, but I am much better without thinking about it. Don't stress too much and just keep going if your girl makes you happy.

There is nothing wrong with her having a kid. I guess it just takes time to really realize that YOU will be the father of that child. If you are marrying her, treat that child as yours, even though in your heart you know he is not.

It's hard! Glad someone brought this topic. I thought I was alone hahaha

[hublife]

I totally understand where you're coming from. I was a step dad for 6 years. I can tell you one thing OP...you were bummed because you weren't able to be the one she experienced that first child with but you said she's 21. I'm guessing her pregnancy with her current child was less than ideal. She was probably broke, immature, not married and stressed the fuk out.

You get to be the guy who does her right. Who gets married, then plans a family under no stressful situation.

[CCIE]

Some real good responses on this thread. After really giving this deep thought, i love this girl too much to not give it a chance. I know if this works out we will have kids of our own and everything will be fine. While i hate the fact that she already has a kid, im taking it as a blessing cause if we do ever have kids, i know she will be a great mother to them.

As i said in a previous post, i am planning on proposing to her on New years, and have her (and her son) move in with me when her spring semester is over. I truly feel that everything will work out and we will be happy together. When i think of the pros and cons of the situation, nothing is as worse as me losing her. I dont even want to imagine that.

[DoubtErased]

Some real good responses on this thread. After really giving this deep thought, i love this girl too much to not give it a chance. I know if this works out we will have kids of our own and everything will be fine. While i hate the fact that she already has a kid, im taking it as a blessing cause if we do ever have kids, i know she will be a great mother to them.

As i said in a previous post, i am planning on proposing to her on New years, and have her (and her son) move in with me when her spring semester is over. I truly feel that everything will work out and we will be happy together. When i think of the pros and cons of the situation, nothing is as worse as me losing her. I dont even want to imagine that.

Its a good way to think

repped

btw my situation is probably little bit harder seeing as the kid is blonde hair and blue eyes

[hublife]

Good for you brah. Keep us updated on her response.