*****The Manlets Will Rise Again***** -The Manlet Sea Part 2

[blinky99]

So first off how do we access subscribed threads now?? There is no quick links button.

Also came to a rather sad/disturbing memory a few days ago that some time ago ,im guessing age 10-14 or so i tried to strangle myself with some rubber chord. I mean how much pain/sadness does a kid have to be in to come up with that idea/desire at such an early age?Which makes me wonder how long i have been depressed/unhappy with my life.

And why the hell didnt my dad put me in therapy for this, [he found a letter i had spoken to a pen pal about this topic with]

Played some racquetball with a female today, went ok made fun of her etc, small talk, laughed a bit, then before we left i said we can go get some sushi tomorrow she said sure. Only thing that got me was her body language sort of, when we were talkin before we left she had her arms crossed, toes pointed inward. she did seem rather shy and from what i remember from highschool she was. so not sure how much that had to do with it. or im just reading into things to much.

[Nainoa]

So first off how do we access subscribed threads now?? There is no quick links button.

Also came to a rather sad/disturbing memory a few days ago that some time ago ,im guessing age 10-14 or so i tried to strangle myself with some rubber chord. I mean how much pain/sadness does a kid have to be in to come up with that idea/desire at such an early age?Which makes me wonder how long i have been depressed/unhappy with my life.

And why the hell didnt my dad put me in therapy for this, [he found a letter i had spoken to a pen pal about this topic with]

Played some racquetball with a female today, went ok made fun of her etc, small talk, laughed a bit, then before we left i said we can go get some sushi tomorrow she said sure. Only thing that got me was her body language sort of, when we were talkin before we left she had her arms crossed, toes pointed inward. she did seem rather shy and from what i remember from highschool she was. so not sure how much that had to do with it. or im just reading into things to much.

Well, when I go back and read old journals of mine from my teenage years... I can notice a lot of similar theme's... Reaching out to try to express something in a sense of frustration... That then when I look at the journals from my Early 20's, when I was in the really darkest days of the "Finding myself" phase of life... There are a lot of similiarities.

I actually keep a journal in my vehicle, since I was 16... (Half my life now)

At random times say waiting for someone who's late to meet me for dinner, or running deliveries and the place doesn't open for another half hour... Whatever... And whenever...

I take a moment and I pause and write in it.

What I notice in each instance as over the years... That while there are similarities... That my mind has been "Working on figuring it out... One Question at a time."

*****

As for the girl... Well you know my advice... Don't sweat women... Don't give yourself "Paralysis by Analysis."

Be yourself, enjoy yourself... And don't bother worrying about the expectations of where something is going to go, or if you're building a relationship.

Building a relationship with anyone... Friend, lover, coworker... Whatever... Is kind of like an apple tree... It grows over time... It flowers and then it provides apples...

If you get anxious for apples and eat all the blossoms off the tree, you will only serve to lessen the fruit.

[Nainoa]

So first off how do we access subscribed threads now?? There is no quick links button.

For subscribed threads I just always go into my CP, and his "List Subscriptions" and scroll down.

[1stindoor]

Also came to a rather sad/disturbing memory a few days ago that some time ago ,im guessing age 10-14 or so i tried to strangle myself with some rubber chord. I mean how much pain/sadness does a kid have to be in to come up with that idea/desire at such an early age?Which makes me wonder how long i have been depressed/unhappy with my life.

And why the hell didnt my dad put me in therapy for this, [he found a letter i had spoken to a pen pal about this topic with]

If only you knew how hard it is for a parent to come to terms with putting their children into some sort of pyschiatric care you would have your answer. We tend to think we know our children better than some "shrink" and why should we pay (a butt-load of money BTW) for something we can do ourselves. Afterall, all you need is...(insert, favorite Dad "fix-all" cure, i.e. time together, time alone, a girlfriend, a job, a vacation, an allowance, etc.).

I came to a point in my life when I realized I no longer had any answers. I was in uncharted territory and I didn't want my daughter to be unprepared for life.

Played some racquetball with a female today, went ok made fun of her etc, small talk, laughed a bit, then before we left i said we can go get some sushi tomorrow she said sure. Only thing that got me was her body language sort of, when we were talkin before we left she had her arms crossed, toes pointed inward. she did seem rather shy and from what i remember from highschool she was. so not sure how much that had to do with it. or im just reading into things to much.

Here's what I've been able to figure out from your description of everything that happened and her "body language."

You played racquetball. You had a good time. She had a good time. You and her made plans to see each other for lunch.

[Nainoa]

If only you knew how hard it is for a parent to come to terms with putting their children into some sort of pyschiatric care you would have your answer. We tend to think we know our children better than some "shrink" and why should we pay (a butt-load of money BTW) for something we can do ourselves. Afterall, all you need is...(insert, favorite Dad "fix-all" cure, i.e. time together, time alone, a girlfriend, a job, a vacation, an allowance, etc.).

I came to a point in my life when I realized I no longer had any answers. I was in uncharted territory and I didn't want my daughter to be unprepared for life.

I'd imagine it's got to be a bit like getting work done on your truck.

There is a certain level of things you can do on your own, change oil etc... But some stuff that it's just better to have a professional mechanic do, because if you do it wrong, the truck might break down when you're 2 hours from home up in the forest with a boat behind you.

(Yes truck in shop today)



********

Hope all is going well with everyone?

[1stindoor]

I'd imagine it's got to be a bit like getting work done on your truck.
(Yes truck in shop today)


********
Hope all is going well with everyone?

Good morning. My best wishes on the speedy recovery of your "steed."

All is well on the homefront. Thanks. I'll see my daughter this Friday. We talk almost every night. A couple of nights ago she thought the place was great and she was happy to be there. One night later and she's crying on the phone saying how much she hates it there.

[Nainoa]

Good morning. My best wishes on the speedy recovery of your "steed."

All is well on the homefront. Thanks. I'll see my daughter this Friday. We talk almost every night. A couple of nights ago she thought the place was great and she was happy to be there. One night later and she's crying on the phone saying how much she hates it there.

Yeah it's just a Valve Cover Gasket and a Hose Leak... At least I think... With me leaving for Walleye Opener in 2 days though I didn't want to chance that it's more than what I think.

******

So how long is your daughter going to be there?

I'd imagine there must be a certain level of home sickness that is going to come and go.

[1stindoor]

So how long is your daughter going to be there?

I'd imagine there must be a certain level of home sickness that is going to come and go.

Everyone is different of course. But I was told to expect three months at a min. Could be three to six.

[Nainoa]

Everyone is different of course. But I was told to expect three months at a min. Could be three to six.

Damn...

That's gotta be a little rough on you as well...

[1stindoor]

Damn...

That's gotta be a little rough on you as well...

It's been a long couple of weeks thus far. But we're doing well.

[pureBrutality]

Songs that help

[blinky99]

So we went out for dinner and ice cream ,i picked her up. Went well but found out she just got out of a 4 year relationship her self and kept talkin about her ex to which i kept changing topics cuz i really didnt want to hear about it and thought was rude.

Wish chicks would offer to pay for there own **** when they know they have no intentions of going on a second date lol. Might be friends with her who knows, time to find another gal.

[sword_]

It seems things are turning around for me. I got a job with good pay. Now I can focus on saving money, putting some up for retirement, network, and work on getting more education on advancing on my career.

Also get back to lifting which I abandoned for three weeks due to being near broke and stressed. I hope everyone else is doing better. Perseverance goes a long way during these times.

[lefty13]

Well, this week i received rejection letters from the schools I applied for the dental hygiene program and I've been really emo since. The reason was I wanted to move away from home and start a new chapter in my life... finally leave home, meet new people, get licensed in two years with a career and be happy.

Now, I went to college for two years for my prerequisites and have nothing to do this fall semester (was supposed to get into the program). I can always apply next year again but what would stop them from rejecting me again, you know? I really wanted to move out.

I guess the reason I want to move out is because I'm not happy here. I live in a condo with my mother and sister and we are okay compared to other families. But I've gone through a lot here. My sister has depression and she admitted wanting to kill me because I try to control her life. I never wanted her to feel that way. I did it because since we don't live with our dad, I felt compelled to become her father in order to help my mother. Also, I've grown to be very emotional because my mother used to tell me all her sad stories when I was a young age (due to no husband presence). That **** affected me bad. It makes me feel I failed my mother by not getting into the program and I've had panic attacks in the past about her dying. I don't think I can handle her withdrawal in my life. Also, I don't like it here because I don't have an active social life. I mean, I do have some friends but we don't do anything really. I wish I had more closer friends and stuff. My usual day is waking up and going on the internet to earn money with surveys, promote my site, read forums, and listen to music. Then I clean my house and read books. Thats basically it.

I was supposed to get into the program and everything was going to change according to my plan. Now, I'm stuck here for one more year and am still uncertain about my future. I have tried to think of other alternatives like becoming a dentist but that would mean another four years here. And that is also not a gaurentee I will get into dental school.

All of this hurts too much for me. Sometimes I think it is not worth it. I undervalue the good things and it makes bad things hurt more. I understand you have to take the bad with the good, but I wish I just died so I don't feel pain anymore. Thnks for reading... kind of feel better letting it out.

[Nainoa]

Well, this week i received rejection letters from the schools I applied for the dental hygiene program and I've been really emo since. The reason was I wanted to move away from home and start a new chapter in my life... finally leave home, meet new people, get licensed in two years with a career and be happy.

Now, I went to college for two years for my prerequisites and have nothing to do this fall semester (was supposed to get into the program). I can always apply next year again but what would stop them from rejecting me again, you know? I really wanted to move out.

I guess the reason I want to move out is because I'm not happy here. I live in a condo with my mother and sister and we are okay compared to other families. But I've gone through a lot here. My sister has depression and she admitted wanting to kill me because I try to control her life. I never wanted her to feel that way. I did it because since we don't live with our dad, I felt compelled to become her father in order to help my mother. Also, I've grown to be very emotional because my mother used to tell me all her sad stories when I was a young age (due to no husband presence). That **** affected me bad. It makes me feel I failed my mother by not getting into the program and I've had panic attacks in the past about her dying. I don't think I can handle her withdrawal in my life. Also, I don't like it here because I don't have an active social life. I mean, I do have some friends but we don't do anything really. I wish I had more closer friends and stuff. My usual day is waking up and going on the internet to earn money with surveys, promote my site, read forums, and listen to music. Then I clean my house and read books. Thats basically it.

I was supposed to get into the program and everything was going to change according to my plan. Now, I'm stuck here for one more year and am still uncertain about my future. I have tried to think of other alternatives like becoming a dentist but that would mean another four years here. And that is also not a gaurentee I will get into dental school.

All of this hurts too much for me. Sometimes I think it is not worth it. I undervalue the good things and it makes bad things hurt more. I understand you have to take the bad with the good, but I wish I just died so I don't feel pain anymore. Thnks for reading... kind of feel better letting it out.

Well... For one... You shouldn't try to be a Father/Replacement Husband... It's not your role and it's not something you're capable of yet in your life.

And in failing at those things that are beyond the scope of your current identity... You've ignored the things you could and should be doing... Which is being a Big Brother... And the one who holds down the Masculine example.


What you tried to do in filling in for your father was assume that you since you were the only male that it meant you were the man of the house and that as the man of the house you had certain strengths and duties.

The reality is that being a Man isn't a title that's just handed out by default, or because you've reached a certain age... It comes from attitude, experience and then you "Lead, by example."

You can't help your sister straighten out her life, when you've got your own life twisted in knots. You can't take the weight of your mother's sorrowsm, when you have wobbly legs from trying to hold up against your own travails.

The only way you can truly help the people you love is if you truly become strong... By setting an example... And to set that example, you can't just be a victim of the circumstances of your life.

A "True Warrior of Life" doesn't say "I'm stuck here, because my best laid plan fell apart." A True Warrior of Life says "I need to change my plan, and I need to face up to the uncomfortable lessons I learned when things didn't go the way I planned."

This is why Nainoa-ism #1 is "Personal Accountability is the high water mark of a man, don't live your life making low tide excuses."

*******

Now I know you were looking for more of an E-hug than this...

But that's not really my way.... Nor do I think that's every the way forward in life...

In order to conquer the problems in your life, you have to face up to the problems you need to deal with inside yourself... Choose the positive route, and fight for it like it matters to you, because it does... And in THAT JOURNEY... You will understand the kind of spine and character it takes to START becoming a Man.

[1stindoor]

Well, this week i received rejection letters from the schools I applied for the dental hygiene program and I've been really emo since.....

I really can't add anything of substance compared to what Nainoa already said. However, I can tell you that you'll never discover your true strength until you've faced adversity and overcame it.

This "plan" of yours...what did you do to ensure it's success? Did you apply early enough? Were your grades high enough? Did you apply at several schools? I'm not trying to place any blame simply trying to determine if you did everything possible on your end.

I would recommend you and your family look into some sort of family counseling. There's some serious issues that need to be brought out into the open in front of everyone. It's only then that your mother will see that she's at fault for laying her burdens on you at an early age. It's only then that your sister will see that she needs a better outlet for her emotions before she causes harm to herself or others; and finally it's only then that you'll see the damage you did to yourself and the rest of the household by trying to be everything to everyone before you were mentally equipped.

[Nainoa]

So we went out for dinner and ice cream ,i picked her up. Went well but found out she just got out of a 4 year relationship her self and kept talkin about her ex to which i kept changing topics cuz i really didnt want to hear about it and thought was rude.

Wish chicks would offer to pay for there own **** when they know they have no intentions of going on a second date lol. Might be friends with her who knows, time to find another gal.

Sorry I didn't see this one earlier... I was on a fishing trip this weekend, and kept busy between getting skunked fighting hypothermia, cutting down 4 trees, being attacked by my buddy's stupid ass coonhound and then taking an unexpected swim, when I didn't set the parking brake all the way on my truck while loading the boat on a steep landing.

But outside of almost dieing 4 times in 36 hours... It was a good time!

*******

When it comes to "Girl Stuff" Really... Guys... I can't bang the pig iron war drum loud enough when I say "Don't sweat this stuff."

Not only will you get laid more when you don't sweat it... But you will also be putting more energy into personal growth opportunities, than Neurotically dating random girls... And it's Personal Growth that will ultimately attract that "Woman of your dreams."

[1stindoor]

Sorry I didn't see this one earlier... I was on a fishing trip this weekend, and kept busy between getting skunked fighting hypothermia, cutting down 4 trees, being attacked by my buddy's stupid ass coonhound and then taking an unexpected swim, when I didn't set the parking brake all the way on my truck while loading the boat on a steep landing.

But outside of almost dieing 4 times in 36 hours... It was a good time!

Really, you need to think about moving further south and east. The weather's great, the cost of living is good, the fishing is outstanding and the odds of hypothermia significantly dropped about 2 months ago. lol.

[Nainoa]

Really, you need to think about moving further south and east. The weather's great, the cost of living is good, the fishing is outstanding and the odds of hypothermia significantly dropped about 2 months ago. lol.

Yeah but there's a whole lot less "Wilderness" in them thar parts.

Besides... Battling the extreme's of all 4 seasons really keeps the skil set diverse, and the personal challenges set to "Maximum."

And if I'm not challenging myself, at least a little, I get sick in my soul.


*******

On a more "Deadly Note"

Neighbor and I had some concerns about beetles getting into some of the trees in the small copse between our properties...

So we cut a bunch down... with my Husky...

Then I asked him to take out a tall branch that was shading my garden. (Need more light for all my Tomato plants... And I'm not good with heights and chainsaws.)

So he went up...
Started cutting...

Branch went... Swung wrong... And passed between the ladder and the tree... He froze up there for 5 seconds... Completely Ashen faced... Then says "The sad thing about that is that it's not the stupidest thing I've ever done!"

[blinky99]

Sounds like you had quite the adventure.

But ya that is the conclusion i am slowly coming to,talked about it at therapy, basically i want something to replace my ex. In reality i know i wont attract a female as im not really happy with my self or i am with my life currently. I mean im on these pills and going to therapy and trying to change the way i think about things, ie im awesome i deserve better than my ex etc. but the progress seems so slow that when i try to focus on what is improving i wonder if its anything.

[Random Guy]

Sounds like you had quite the adventure.

But ya that is the conclusion i am slowly coming to,talked about it at therapy, basically i want something to replace my ex. In reality i know i wont attract a female as im not really happy with my self or i am with my life currently. I mean im on these pills and going to therapy and trying to change the way i think about things, ie im awesome i deserve better than my ex etc. but the progress seems so slow that when i try to focus on what is improving i wonder if its anything.

Progress depends on alot of things but don't worry--you'll get there How long have you been in therapy now? And what meds?

[Nainoa]

Sounds like you had quite the adventure.

But ya that is the conclusion i am slowly coming to,talked about it at therapy, basically i want something to replace my ex. In reality i know i wont attract a female as im not really happy with my self or i am with my life currently. I mean im on these pills and going to therapy and trying to change the way i think about things, ie im awesome i deserve better than my ex etc. but the progress seems so slow that when i try to focus on what is improving i wonder if its anything.

You have to remember though that you're growing an oak tree of a State of Being... It's supposed to take time... Because that's how you build a strong base...

Grass grows quickly and then falls over under the slightest wind and rain...

[1stindoor]

Branch went... Swung wrong... And passed between the ladder and the tree... He froze up there for 5 seconds... Completely Ashen faced... Then says "The sad thing about that is that it's not the stupidest thing I've ever done!"

Could have been worse. Did you read about the guy that accidently killed his wife with a chainsaw when she came up behind him right as the saw kicked back. The chain cut through her neck!!!!!!

[Nainoa]

Could have been worse. Did you read about the guy that accidently killed his wife with a chainsaw when she came up behind him right as the saw kicked back. The chain cut through her neck!!!!!!

***...

This past weekend up at Fish Camp was basically "Nainoa's Chainsaw 101" Class.

My buddy "Mr. Toxic" who I've been trying to De-Friend for the better part of the last decade... Went out and bought a used Chainasawrus-Rex. (That purple and green thing.)

20 years ago he watched his father cut a tree down, and he's watched Texas Chainsaw Masacre twice on DVD, so he figures in his egotistical little brain that he knows everything about tree cutting.

I **** you not... The guy gets out of the truck, excited like a little kid on Christmas Morning to show me the tree he thinks will be dead dog easy.

It's leaning in a way that screams Barber Chair... It's crown is tangled up in the crown of another tree... Both have window makers littered in them thicker than candy on a side walk during a 4th of July Parade... And there's powerlines 20 feet away.

He didn't want to listen to me when I told him "That's the worst possible tree in history that you could choose to take."

Then I started my Husqvarna and started logging up a birch tree I'd dropped last fall to dry.

He comes up to me 20 mins later... "Hey Bro... I want to cut that tree down... But I can't get my saw started can you start it for me?"

WTF?

Can't start your own saw... But you think you can take Satan-Tree over there.

You need me to zip your zipper back up for you after you go pee-pee as well!



In the end I convinced his wife (Who's like my little sister) to talk him out of Satan-Tree... And I lead him to some nice empty crowned trees to learn on... But since there wasn't any "Chest Thumping Value" to dropping a 20 foot tree that wasn't dangerous in some way... He decided to go take a nap.

So I taught his wife how to run and maintain their Disney Brand Chainasawrus Rex... And I explained to her the basics...

Including Attitude.

I explained it like this...

"When you're cutting a tree... There are 4 things involved.

1. The tree which is bigger than you.
2. The force of Gravity which is stronger than you. (And likes to do silly things sometimes)
3. The chainsaw, which only gets faster when it hits human flesh.
4. You

Of those 4... YOU are the pissy little weakling... and need to respect the other 3 more powerful forces.
Now most people spend their whole lives living in a world designed for a human being to succeed on the power of intelligence, insulated by convenience.
So you have to check the ego of invincibility at the door... This is Mother Nature's House... And the minute you disrespect her power... Will be followed by the minute you have to call an ambulance, for find out if your insurance covers something."

********

So while Mr. Toxic took his little Nappy-Poo... I cut 4 trees, and we split them into enough wood for the camp for the whole weekend...

That Toxic sack of douche-nuggets can cut his arms off next weekend when I'm not there!

/Rant

[blinky99]

Therapy first 5 weeks i went 3x per week, had to change to 2 due to financial reasons. so total ive been about 7 weeks

meds: 20mg celexa , 300mg wellbutrin, 10 mg buspar 3x day.

I sorta feel myself wanting to isolate more and im not as interested in going out and stuff.

[1stindoor]

Therapy first 5 weeks i went 3x per week, had to change to 2 due to financial reasons. so total ive been about 7 weeks

meds: 20mg celexa , 300mg wellbutrin, 10 mg buspar 3x day.

I sorta feel myself wanting to isolate more and im not as interested in going out and stuff.

Do you feel like isolating yourself because of the therapy or because of the "cocktail" you're taking?

[1stindoor]

(That purple and green thing.)...

I own the same one. But I only use it once in awhile and got if for next to nothing at a clearance event at Sears. I liked your "basics" with the rules. I've lost count at how many people I've seen making stupid mistakes with chainsaws. I haven't taken down many trees, maybe 2 or 3...but I've hacked up a bunch over the years that had fallen as a result of weather or old age. Biggest mistake I see is people that don't take care of their chain and let it get extremely dull. I keep a spare in my case...just in case.

[Nainoa]

Therapy first 5 weeks i went 3x per week, had to change to 2 due to financial reasons. so total ive been about 7 weeks

meds: 20mg celexa , 300mg wellbutrin, 10 mg buspar 3x day.

I sorta feel myself wanting to isolate more and im not as interested in going out and stuff.

Well... Depends on the purposeful meaning of "Isolate" and "Going out."

On the one hand, there's nothing wrong with living the life of an introvert... Nothing that says being an introvert = psychologicaly unhealthy.

And that only by going out is one behaving in a psychologically healthy activity.

I prefer the life of an introvert... It's just that I can become an extrovert at the drop of a hat. (Still not sure how I can go from Book worm to life of the Party/Guy in the Dos Equis commerical.)

*******

It's when you're isolating by "Shutting down and Shutting out" that you start wandering onto the abyssal plane of solitude.

At the same time... This is no different than a person who lives to go out... Can't sit at home and do anything productive, so they watch Celebutard shows, until it's time to run out to the club... Then they're alive for 7 hours, hungover for a day... And counting down until the time they get to do it again.

BOTH are unhealthy.

******

My point is to be mindful to make "What" you're doing, to be about "Why" you're doing it... That if you're staying in... It's for a reason of substance... A great book that you really want to catch up on... A painting that you're doing... Cleaning the house because your old friend from High School is coming to visit next week.

And not... "Sitting in the couch eating wheat thins and watching TV... Neurotically grinding your teeth while you worry about what's going wrong with your life."

[Nainoa]

I own the same one. But I only use it once in awhile and got if for next to nothing at a clearance event at Sears. I liked your "basics" with the rules. I've lost count at how many people I've seen making stupid mistakes with chainsaws. I haven't taken down many trees, maybe 2 or 3...but I've hacked up a bunch over the years that had fallen as a result of weather or old age. Biggest mistake I see is people that don't take care of their chain and let it get extremely dull. I keep a spare in my case...just in case.

Yeah some days I feel like I blew too much money paying $269... ($320 after case, spare chain and extra's) But it's also nice having that Pro-grade saw, with vibration reduction handle, and tool less tension.

In general I prefer to NEVER drop a tree... I friggin' hate it... Constantly keep myself paranoid every second I'm cutting.

Mostly I target stuff that's already down.

A lot of the places I camp, I either have to make wood... OR, my "Rent" to camp/use the cabin for a weekend/week... Is to clean up the trees that fell on their property in the last storm.

With the recession now... I'm making extra money doing odd jobs for the elderly/obese/lazy/divorced women...

Along with roofing and Demo work... I'm making some good scratch dropping trees...
(And then they even let me take the oak for myself!)

Though I must admit to feeling a little strange when these divorced women keep undressing me with their eyes as I'm working. Makes me feel like a dirty piece of meat!

[blinky99]

Not really sure, as when i first started on the celexa first two weeks or so i noticed a real change in my mood/ socialness etc. then the effects sort of faded so i talked about it and my psychiatrist added the wellbutrin. Now not so much, i go to the gym, maybe out once a week with friends movie or a bar, play some soccer, and work a bunch

Ive mostly been an introvert most of my life id say. Now i seem to be battling myself between who i am and who i want to be.

Well when i think about what i do at home its mostly watch pointless tv or looking around that plenty of fish site, or waiting for someone to invite me out to go do something.

And when i do go out im not really engaged because im so involved with my own thoughts I try to talk to people but i dont really have much to say, i see other people im with involved in conversations but they dont really involve me it seems, im there but not there at the same time..