Having Kids - When people say, 'It's not about you anymore'

[NaturaFitness]

Had a kid before I was 100% ready.

I have to say it's the single best thing that ever happened in my life. You will never be more proud or get any more satisfaction from anything else than to see your child grow, learn, and develop into their own person.

It's also a extremely rewarding experience personally to be a parent. The insight you gain into life, love, and what is really important in this world is indescribable.

[Fatkidwholifts]

There have been loads of threads about kids v no kids. I didn't mean to start a general discussion. It's just my reaction to that specific line, 'It's not about you anymore.' When parents say that I think they see it as a positive, unselfish thing. It might be but my natural reaction is that it puts me off having kids. I want my life to be about me. I'm not ready just to pass on the baton and cheer from the sidelines.

Having a kid is not unselfish. It's one of the most selfish things you can do. One you're getting tons of joy from being s parent, two you're continueing your genetic line.

Just because you're giving up some things you like doesn't mean it's not selfish.

[MrDevereaux]

Had a kid before I was 100% ready.

I have to say it's the single best thing that ever happened in my life. You will never be more proud or get any more satisfaction from anything else than to see your child grow, learn, and develop into their own person.

It's also a extremely rewarding experience personally to be a parent. The insight you gain into life, love, and what is really important in this world is indescribable.

Every parent says this. And that kind of puts me off too. It's like a copypasta, it's so similar. Nothing children do is interesting to me. It's cute at best and then only occasionally. But obviously when you have your own kid, some weird chemical bonding thing happens and every little thing they do is fascinating. The first time they walk, for example. Yep, not that fascinating to me, I've been walking for a long time now.

I don't mean any offence by that, truly happy for you and your family.

[MrDevereaux]

Having a kid is not unselfish. It's one of the most selfish things you can do. One you're getting tons of joy from being s parent, two you're continueing your genetic line.

Just because you're giving up some things you like doesn't mean it's not selfish.

I actually agree, just trying to placate the parents on here.

[NaturaFitness]

Having a kid is not unselfish. It's one of the most selfish things you can do. One you're getting tons of joy from being s parent, two you're continueing your genetic line.

Just because you're giving up some things you like doesn't mean it's not selfish.

Exactly,

Whenever someone babysits my daughter for more than a few hours, I'm like WHERE THE HELL IS MY LITTLE GIRL IM BORED AS FOOOK!

[Vexidi]

I traveled freely and partied a lot before having kids. I don't really feel like I gave up anything I wouldn't naturally give up anyway. I guess if you're one of those parents who spends every free moment shuttling kids from one activity to the next it might be a drag but those parents are retards IMO. My kids like doing the same crap I like to do, fishing, hiking, riding, etc. My life is still mostly about me but I would take a bullet for them if necessary.

[BrawnySwoleman]

Had a kid before I was 100% ready.

I have to say it's the single best thing that ever happened in my life. You will never be more proud or get any more satisfaction from anything else than to see your child grow, learn, and develop into their own person.

It's also a extremely rewarding experience personally to be a parent. The insight you gain into life, love, and what is really important in this world is indescribable.

Not to be a dick, but the cynic in me says, "you can't undo the fact that you have a kid, so you have to justify it as something you are grateful for."

[jross2021]

I did a 7 day trip to Oahu and Maui last month. Stayed right on Waikiki beach on Oahu and at the Hyatt on Kaanapali beach in Maui. Two of the best beaches on planet Earth.

Cost me about 5 grand for my wife and I.

In 2014, the cost of raising a child until 18 was $304,000

I could do that vacation over 60 more times in the span of 18 years.

That's 3.3 trips every year to paradise. Or you can have a bratty teenager telling you they hate your guts.

This, also if you don't take a vacation every year... early retirement.

[MrDevereaux]

I traveled freely and partied a lot before having kids. I don't really feel like I gave up anything I wouldn't naturally give up anyway. I guess if you're one of those parents who spends every free moment shuttling kids from one activity to the next it might be a drag but those parents are retards IMO. My kids like doing the same crap I like to do, fishing, hiking, riding, etc. My life is still mostly about me but I would take a bullet for them if necessary.

Cool, bro. It sounds like you're doing what you want in life and the kids are along for the ride. The, 'It's not about you anymore' line bothers me because it suggests that the rest of your life is going to be spent catering to the whims of your child, while putting your own hopes and dreams on the backburner. Fukk that.

[scullin]

OP I understand where your coming from. I was the exact same way throughout my 20s. It wasn't until I had my kids in my 30s that I changed about that. But I get more back from my kids than anything, they give me a reason to live. srs

That being said, don't have them if you don't want to or feel pressured. If you have them later, you'll understand but nobody can tell you to have them or not to have them. Also, once they're a little older you can also do what the fuk you want too.

[midcoastking33]

I tell them it never was to begin with

[Vexidi]

Cool, bro. It sounds like you're doing what you want in life and the kids are along for the ride. The, 'It's not about you anymore' line bothers me because it suggests that the rest of your life is going to be spent catering to the whims of your child, while putting your own hopes and dreams on the backburner. Fukk that.

Between me and you bruh, those parents are doing it wrong. I know plenty of them and they're a wreck. These new age parents act like fukking butlers instead of a parent. My kids don't dictate my life, I dictate theirs. Guess I'm old school though.

[scullin]

Cool, bro. It sounds like you're doing what you want in life and the kids are along for the ride. The, 'It's not about you anymore' line bothers me because it suggests that the rest of your life is going to be spent catering to the whims of your child, while putting your own hopes and dreams on the backburner. Fukk that.

It's not about the whims of the child. You tell THEM what to do, not the other way around. But what it means to be about 'them' is their well being (mouths fed, clothed, taught things, and other necessities) come first. I still do what I want to do. Some priorities change but still do my thing, especially being divorced now. But when I'm with them, I do a lot of kid stuff which is fun (theme parks, arcades, snow tubing, laser tag, water parks, etc). Stuff I like doing anyway but have an excuse to be able to do because I've got the kids. lol

Between me and you bruh, those parents are doing it wrong. I know plenty of them and they're a wreck. These new age parents act like fukking butlers instead of a parent. My kids don't dictate my life, I dictate theirs. Guess I'm old school though.

das it mane

[SirBetalot]

Been on so many dates with single moms and they always say "i wish i wouldnt have had kids, but i wouldnt trade mine for anything" lol wut? always leaves me mind incepted.

[chasintail]

Every parent says this. And that kind of puts me off too. It's like a copypasta, it's so similar. Nothing children do is interesting to me. It's cute at best and then only occasionally. But obviously when you have your own kid, some weird chemical bonding thing happens and every little thing they do is fascinating. The first time they walk, for example. Yep, not that fascinating to me, I've been walking for a long time now.

I don't mean any offence by that, truly happy for you and your family.

You can't look at other peoples kids and assume that you'd feel the same way about your own. I could give two fukks about other kids. They're gross and usually pretty annoying. But when I come home from work and my little girls yells for me and comes running to give me a hug it's the best feeling in the world.

[scullin]

You can't look at other peoples kids and assume that you'd feel the same way about your own. I could give two fukks about other kids. They're gross and usually pretty annoying. But when I come home from work and my little girls yells for me and comes running to give me a hug it's the best feeling in the world.

10000% true. I rent to some douchebags and their kids. I literally hate their kids. Like to the point that if something bad happned to them it would make me happy. srs But my kids are totally different, they're disciplined and not annoying like the dbags' kids. They do what they're told and are fun to be around.

Side note: kicking the dbags and their kids out this week by the way.

[Benihanas]

Cool, bro. It sounds like you're doing what you want in life and the kids are along for the ride. The, 'It's not about you anymore' line bothers me because it suggests that the rest of your life is going to be spent catering to the whims of your child, while putting your own hopes and dreams on the backburner. Fukk that.

It's not like that brah, it's just a recognition that things can't be ALL about you anymore. Just like everything in life, it's about finding the right balance. Work-life balance. Fitness-fun balance. Substances-Health balance. Family-Friends balance. Everything is a balance. You should still be able to find time and enjoyment for yourself, even for most of the "old" things you enjoyed, but there will be an abundance of new things that you enjoy and enjoy doing and that seem just as much for you as for your family or for the kid.

You're reading too much into a harmless statement that's mostly supposed to serve as a reminder and a gentle guide into realizing that you have one more ball to juggle in that balance. If you're not ready to handle that ball yet, master juggling the rest and then you can introduce another. Try to have your hopes and dreams already gaining momentum or being accomplished if that's what you're worried about.

I personally believe that it would be very difficult to go your whole life living selfishly. Eventually, we all get accustomed to things and become jaded, and your own freedom and selfishness is no different. That dude who gave the Hawaii example, if he actually went 3 times a year I guarantee he would get somewhat jaded and bored by year 3. It's just human nature to grow accustomed. If you're not ready to have a kid yet, that's an incredibly mature recognition, but trying to project your current attitude 5, 10, or even 20 years out is incredibly stupid IMO.

[MrDevereaux]

Between me and you bruh, those parents are doing it wrong. I know plenty of them and they're a wreck. These new age parents act like fukking butlers instead of a parent. My kids don't dictate my life, I dictate theirs. Guess I'm old school though.

Awesome, serious. The parents I'm around treat their children like little princes/princesses, catering to their every whim.

[F.A.M.E.]

1t's called balance and having good enough jobs to provide for your kids while still being able to go out and have a good time. And having trustworthy babysitters.

This.

Felt like I'd never want kids. But now that I'm nearing my late 20's, and my making solid money, I think I'd want kids at one point later in life since I'd still be able to provide for them, while still enjoying life with my woman (whomever she may be).

[MrDevereaux]

You can't look at other peoples kids and assume that you'd feel the same way about your own. I could give two fukks about other kids. They're gross and usually pretty annoying. But when I come home from work and my little girls yells for me and comes running to give me a hug it's the best feeling in the world.

That's sort of my point though. That people's love and admiration for their kids is..... how to put this, um, not genuine. I mean it's a chemical bonding thing only right? Everyone thinks their children are beautiful, even if they're ugly, snot nosed little demon spawn. I like the idea of having adult children with fully developed personalities that I can love because they're great people. But just being chemically bonded to some chitting, vomiting tube doesn't fill me with any joy. Wish I could have kids but just skip the first 13 years or so.

[ZenBowman]

It is much more selfish to have children than not to have them. Why is not having children considered selfish? It is 100x more selfish to have children and then expect everyone else to subsidize them.

That said, I plan on having children.

[Vexidi]

Awesome, serious. The parents I'm around treat their children like little princes/princesses, catering to their every whim.

That why so many kids are soft little whiney *******s that shoot up a school when someone looks sideways at them. You perpetually treat someone like they are the center of the universe and they start to believe it. The "Daddy's little princess" thing is completely out of control. Girls are not unique princesses. They are 50% of the population and should realize that at a young age before they are released into the wild to wreak havoc.

[NaturaFitness]

Not to be a dick, but the cynic in me says, "you can't undo the fact that you have a kid, so you have to justify it as something you are grateful for."

not really bro

it aint very hard to love your own kid.

[BootneckBrah]

Having a kid/kids is fukin GOAT.


Not knocking anyone who doesn't want them.

I didn't either, my daughter wasn't planned.









However it is literally the best thing on earth.

It's literally the meaning of life.

When they look up at you with that pure love and you see your self it's amazing.





However, I'm not gonna pretend kids are going to care about you when you're 90 and they have to wipe your arse an all that

[MrDevereaux]

It's not like that brah, it's just a recognition that things can't be ALL about you anymore. Just like everything in life, it's about finding the right balance. Work-life balance. Fitness-fun balance. Substances-Health balance. Family-Friends balance. Everything is a balance. You should still be able to find time and enjoyment for yourself, even for most of the "old" things you enjoyed, but there will be an abundance of new things that you enjoy and enjoy doing and that seem just as much for you as for your family or for the kid.

You're reading too much into a harmless statement that's mostly supposed to serve as a reminder and a gentle guide into realizing that you have one more ball to juggle in that balance. If you're not ready to handle that ball yet, master juggling the rest and then you can introduce another. Try to have your hopes and dreams already gaining momentum or being accomplished if that's what you're worried about.

I personally believe that it would be very difficult to go your whole life living selfishly. Eventually, we all get accustomed to things and become jaded, and your own freedom and selfishness is no different. That dude who gave the Hawaii example, if he actually went 3 times a year I guarantee he would get somewhat jaded and bored by year 3. It's just human nature to grow accustomed. If you're not ready to have a kid yet, that's an incredibly mature recognition, but trying to project your current attitude 5, 10, or even 20 years out is incredibly stupid IMO.

Thanks for this very well considered and articulated answer. I find it hard to disagree with anything you've said, it sounds totally reasonable. I am feeling jaded/bored by a lot of things and on one level I know that having kids would change that. But on another level, I feel like that I owe it to myself to discover new things, a new way to look at the world, without having to rely on kids to do that.

Probably that, 'It's not about you anymore' line gets me because the friends I have who do have kids are literally slaves to their children. It's just 12 hour days at the office, come home, play with/take care of the kids, eat, sleep. Then weekends are all about doing fun stuff with the children. Their lives never seem to be about them.

[Ratfish]

"it's really selfish for you to not become enslaved to those kids who do not yet exist"

u fokkin wot?

[BetaAsPhuck]

You will never be more proud or get any more satisfaction from anything else than to see your child grow, learn, and develop into their own person.

It's also a extremely rewarding experience personally to be a parent. The insight you gain into life, love, and what is really important in this world is indescribable.

It rustles my jimmies when people write things like that.

There are a lot of crap parents in the world who damage their kids emotionally because they are emotionally unhealthy themselves.

I don't think it's a good idea to carte blanche encourage people to have children. From what I've observed there are a lot of selfish or well intentioned but incompetant parents in the world, and in no way shape or form do I believe that what you are described is triggered in the hearts of the majority of parents, let alone all.

I come from an underclass and (later on) working class background and I routinely saw; psychological and physical abuse, single mothers bringing random men around their children, parents doing legal and illegal drugs around their children, etc. (I live in an area where there is a high rate of teen mothers).

I worked in retail for approx a decade, myself and the staff frequently commented on the kind of incredibly bad parenting we routinely observed. Parents screaming at children like they were pieces of crap, people near abusing their kids in public. If they were like that in public I hate to think what the poor kids went through in private. And they probably grow up to be the kind of kids who get drunk and bottle people on Friday night.

Cliffs:

There are a lot of crap parents in the world.

I don't think it's a good idea to tell people that they will automatically become altruistic and empathetic towards their kids if they have them, because it's a lie.

[J1n]

Its a selfish decision both ways.

[ZenBowman]

That why so many kids are soft little whiney *******s that shoot up a school when someone looks sideways at them. You perpetually treat someone like they are the center of the universe and they start to believe it.

I feel Americans are actually too hard on their kids, leaving them very insecure, which results in acting out.

In many other countries parents are actually much more indulgent with children when it comes to being affectionate.

[BetaAsPhuck]

"it's really selfish for you to not become enslaved to those kids who do not yet exist"

u fokkin wot?

That baffles me too when people say, or imply that.