Official Tinder thread Part IV: RIP in Peace Sneaks, IRC edition

[HomerJThompson]

different girls







meh

I'm a manlet too lol, can only imagine what the response would be if i was 6ft+

Mirin, gjdm, you must have them facial aesthethics.

[devill1am]

go for it, also don't hesitate to message first even tho it's your bio

Genius, she thinks she's special now...

[zeronotyethero]

Just matched with a girl from my English class of ~12 students while spamming like.

Just dropped the class.

What?! Better not be serious. Think about it for a second, she ALSO clicked "like". You are/were in. Unless she's not up to your standards, I fail to see the issue here.

[jujuB]

what happened to caligrow?

still looking for a face pic.

LOLing in my head at the thought of her giving the dude a BJ in the car, and it being super awkward after. LMFAO

[FIREnICE]

go for it, also don't hesitate to message first even tho it's your bio

already reeled in one for me. reps 4 life. got her number. i'll post screens tomorrow.

[jujuB]

damn, spoke too soon.

you guys are funny. Welp, no one else I'm physically attracted to has asked me out, so I gotta take what I can get. I'm going out again with him tomorrow night, and I guess the majority of you are sick of hearing about it, so I shall keep this one to myself haha

NO KEEP POSTING SRS.
your stories are hilarious to me.. but dayum girl... i'm not seeing why you have such a hard time. i know of average girls that get WK'd all the time... guys will send her 10 texts in a row, without her ever responding. If i were in cali, i'd take you out.

Arrange to get pussy with 6/10 Peruvian girl. Huge tits, a little fatter than pics. Boring as FUK. Monotone, absolutely no enthusiasm. Extreme feminist + women's rights activist. "I dont shave for men". Has hairy snatch.

Sweetest girl in the world over text, lame ass boring POS in real life

Dont care, want to hit it
Drive 45 minutes to her house
Mom isnt home
We go upstairs, watch pitch perfect for a little bit
Go take a piss
Come back
Ask her if we're going to wait for her laundry to be done to start banging
She says chill, we cant rush things
Ok, sit down
We talk for a little, she asks me if that prison inmate thing in my bio was real (I have "2009 Prison inmate of the year" as a joke in my bio)
Tell her yes, its real. I ran from cops, nothing violent. Lied to try and seem cool/badass because some women like that
She is turned off, says she's very uncomfortable with that.
Tell her it was nothing violent and it was years ago.
She says she doesn't like it because now I know where she lives, etc.
Say ok, i was lying as a joke.
She doesn't believe me
Try to convince her further
She doesn't believe me
"I dont want to sleep with you anymore"
Stare straight at pitch perfect not knowing what to think
Say fine, ill leave.
Get up, leave. No words said between us
Drive home, pissed off because I cockblocked myself.
Entire interaction took less than 5 minutes

Its ok because I have 3 hookups lined up. Probably dodged a bullet with this hairy feminist

HAHHAHAHA holy ****. that's fuking hilarous. LMAOOOOO

you gotta keep making inmate jokes and make it seem funny. that's probably where you went wrong.

[crackheadd]

Arrange to get pussy with 6/10 Peruvian girl. Huge tits, a little fatter than pics. Boring as FUK. Monotone, absolutely no enthusiasm. Extreme feminist + women's rights activist. "I dont shave for men". Has hairy snatch.

Sweetest girl in the world over text, lame ass boring POS in real life

Dont care, want to hit it
Drive 45 minutes to her house
Mom isnt home
We go upstairs, watch pitch perfect for a little bit
Go take a piss
Come back
Ask her if we're going to wait for her laundry to be done to start banging
She says chill, we cant rush things
Ok, sit down
We talk for a little, she asks me if that prison inmate thing in my bio was real (I have "2009 Prison inmate of the year" as a joke in my bio)
Tell her yes, its real. I ran from cops, nothing violent. Lied to try and seem cool/badass because some women like that
She is turned off, says she's very uncomfortable with that.
Tell her it was nothing violent and it was years ago.
She says she doesn't like it because now I know where she lives, etc.
Say ok, i was lying as a joke.
She doesn't believe me
Try to convince her further
She doesn't believe me
"I dont want to sleep with you anymore"
Stare straight at pitch perfect not knowing what to think
Say fine, ill leave.
Get up, leave. No words said between us
Drive home, pissed off because I cockblocked myself.
Entire interaction took less than 5 minutes

Its ok because I have 3 hookups lined up. Probably dodged a bullet with this hairy feminist

that is so ****ing funny omg hahahahahaha

[silverfighter]

mine's simple

This chit actually work? They send messages?

[devill1am]

that is so ****ing funny omg hahahahahaha

Could have been a lot worse....

I got an asian girls number during a week ago (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a ****, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a **** really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her bathroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the bathroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.

I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first?



So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!



So then I'm like "**** this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...

As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.





I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:



I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting **** on her floor....



At that point things get even worse...



The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her bathroom....

I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...

she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol

she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!

I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing **** smelling vapors all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"

I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...

she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..

I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odor. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.

about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the bathroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.

All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).

to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.

anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?

[silverfighter]

Could have been a lot worse....

I got an asian girls number during a week ago (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a ****, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a **** really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her bathroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the bathroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.

I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first?



So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!



So then I'm like "**** this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...

As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.





I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:



I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting **** on her floor....



At that point things get even worse...



The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her bathroom....

I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...

she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol

she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!

I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing **** smelling vapors all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"

I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...

she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..

I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odor. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.

about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the bathroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.

All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).

to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.

anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?

Aweir

[bosoxdanc]

Could have been a lot worse....

I got an asian girls number during a week ago (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a ****, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a **** really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her bathroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the bathroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.

I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first?



So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!



So then I'm like "**** this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...

As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.





I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:



I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting **** on her floor....



At that point things get even worse...



The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her bathroom....

I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...

she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol

she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!

I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing **** smelling vapors all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"

I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...

she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..

I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odor. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.

about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the bathroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.

All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).

to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.

anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?

I am in tears from laughing so ****ing hard at this.

[Cheeseburger12]

Have you pics of her that you previously posted? Your date sounds cool though. GDJM

Yes posted pics a few pages back

[caliglow]

hahaha I'm sorry to report that my date tonight with my old Tinder oneitis actually went well!

-He picks me up
-Drive maybe 15 mins to hotel/bar. No awkward silences
-Arrive at bar. They had a super cool pool/ping pong room that we played in for about 2 hours. Bought a few drinks during. I crushed him in pool.
-He finally starts getting touchy/less beta after a couple drinks.
-We go up to the rooftop bar of the hotel and get another drink
-They have these super cool canopy bed things everywhere, so we chill/make out in one of them for a while. For some reason there were seriously like 90% guys there, so it was pretty awkward because all these bros kept trying to talk and interrupt us.
-We go to leave, at this point he's super touchy, holding my hand, etc. He kinda rushed out and I wasn't ready to leave yet, so I was a little confused. idk maybe he was tired? maybe he had another sloot scheduled for later tonight? lol. I was kind of tipsy, so time was going by faster than I realized though.
-we arrive at my apt so he can drop me off, we talk a little in the car, more making out. He tries fingering me a few times, but his fingers feel like fukking razor blades and I tell him that he's doing it too hard. He apologizes and to get off the topic, I give him a bj, he finishes in like 2 mins again, he says I'm a good kisser and "good at things" fcking lol. Then we talk a little more, and that's it.

I don't really know how things will advance more than car bj's cause we both have roommates, but it's pretty obvious we're gonna hang out again, so I guess we'll see what happens. This date was 4 hours in total. We both don't seem to get comfortable unless we're drinking, so idk how promising that is for future dates, but it's all good for now since it's so casual

[BigDannn]

lol

[PolyBrahh]

-we arrive at my apt so he can drop me off, we talk a little in the car, more making out. He tries fingering me a few times, but his fingers feel like fukking razor blades and I tell him that he's doing it too hard. He apologizes and to get off the topic, I give him a bj, he finishes in like 2 mins again, he says I'm a good kisser and "good at things" fcking lol. Then we talk a little more, and that's it.

I don't really know how things will advance more than car bj's cause we both have roommates, but it's pretty obvious we're gonna hang out again, so I guess we'll see what happens. This date was 4 hours in total. We both don't seem to get comfortable unless we're drinking, so idk how promising that is for future dates, but it's all good for now since it's so casual

Definitely different reading this from a female miscer. Continue

[SpeedCheeser]

hahaha I'm sorry to report that my date tonight with my old Tinder oneitis actually went well!

-He picks me up
-Drive maybe 15 mins to hotel/bar. No awkward silences
-Arrive at bar. They had a super cool pool/ping pong room that we played in for about 2 hours. Bought a few drinks during. I crushed him in pool.
-He finally starts getting touchy/less beta after a couple drinks.
-We go up to the rooftop bar of the hotel and get another drink
-They have these super cool canopy bed things everywhere, so we chill/make out in one of them for a while. For some reason there were seriously like 90% guys there, so it was pretty awkward because all these bros kept trying to talk and interrupt us.
-We go to leave, at this point he's super touchy, holding my hand, etc. He kinda rushed out and I wasn't ready to leave yet, so I was a little confused. idk maybe he was tired? maybe he had another sloot scheduled for later tonight? lol. I was kind of tipsy, so time was going by faster than I realized though.
-we arrive at my apt so he can drop me off, we talk a little in the car, more making out. He tries fingering me a few times, but his fingers feel like fukking razor blades and I tell him that he's doing it too hard. He apologizes and to get off the topic, I give him a bj, he finishes in like 2 mins again, he says I'm a good kisser and "good at things" fcking lol. Then we talk a little more, and that's it.

I don't really know how things will advance more than car bj's cause we both have roommates, but it's pretty obvious we're gonna hang out again, so I guess we'll see what happens. This date was 4 hours in total. We both don't seem to get comfortable unless we're drinking, so idk how promising that is for future dates, but it's all good for now since it's so casual

Is this real life? I swear to you, I will cum in your mouth after 2 minutes of oral every day of my life. Preceding that, I will hold your hand, brush your hair, and even twiddle your diddle (and it will feel good, not like razor blades...dafuq?). And I'll do it without drinks. But I like my drinks. So we'll have them anyway. But you can stay at my place. I have my own house. Moving to TX now?

[bosoxdanc]

hahaha I'm sorry to report that my date tonight with my old Tinder oneitis actually went well!

-we arrive at my apt so he can drop me off, we talk a little in the car, more making out. He tries fingering me a few times, but his fingers feel like fukking razor blades and I tell him that he's doing it too hard. He apologizes and to get off the topic, I give him a bj, he finishes in like 2 mins again, he says I'm a good kisser and "good at things" fcking lol. Then we talk a little more, and that's it.

I don't really know how things will advance more than car bj's cause we both have roommates, but it's pretty obvious we're gonna hang out again, so I guess we'll see what happens. This date was 4 hours in total.

Fingers you hard as **** and finishes in two minutes? Dude's clearly excited as ****, lol, he can't calm himself.

[OnedayHEHE]

YUHEFFTOBEMAD



I forgot to mention this, but he tried to at first. His fingers were about as gentle as a chainsaw, srs. I said "ouch" and stopped him and he apologized. My vagoo was bruised for days after. fckin lol

guy is alpha srs, got his dink wet and just left. I would be satisfied if cummed after 30 sec, a orgams is a orgasm nomsayin.

How big was his dink, no homo?

[caliglow]

Fingers you hard as **** and finishes in two minutes? Dude's clearly excited as ****, lol, he can't calm himself.

well I guess that's flattering. I told him "well...that was fast" and he didn't reply and changed the subject lol

guy is alpha srs, got his dink wet and just left. I would be satisfied if cummed after 30 sec, a orgams is a orgasm nomsayin.

How big was his dink, no homo?

The only other dink I've seen on my ex was almost 9 inches, srs, I measured. This dude is probably like.....5? So significantly smaller than what I had before. I can deep throat it all. I mean he's definitely TRYING to finger me, but idk what his deal is because he does it hard as ****. He's tried like 3 times and it's hurt like a mofo. I feel bad for all the girls he's done stuff with before.

[Cheeseburger12]

well I guess that's flattering. I told him "well...that was fast" and he didn't reply and changed the subject lol


The only other dink I've seen on my ex was almost 9 inches, srs, I measured. This dude is probably like.....5? So significantly smaller than what I had before. I can deep throat it all. I mean he's definitely TRYING to finger me, but idk what his deal is because he does it hard as ****. He's tried like 3 times and it's hurt like a mofo. I feel bad for all the girls he's done stuff with before.

Maybe give him some tips, instead of IT HURTS OWW.

[Aritzia]

Could have been a lot worse....

I got an asian girls number during a week ago (the encounter wasn't recorded unfortunetely because my Camera froze). But anyway, it's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from exam studying, and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after the break (which would be too long perhaps). So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee. Well she said yes, and we met at a campus cafe. We had some small talk, and it went well overall. After that she said "hey my roomate is making some chinese food for dinner because her boyfriend is over, would you like to come by and try some? she usually makes way more than needed". Now at that point I felt like I had to take a ****, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to try and hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw)... and ****... I had to take take a **** really badly... and I also had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottles with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use her bathroom because I didn't want stink the place up... but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum.. to make matters worse I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why.. but that's what happened). So I rushed to the bathroom... and thus begins the worst possible scenario imagineable.

I pull down my pants step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominous predicament; I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a POO.... AND I have an erection.... what the **** do I do? Which do I do first?



So I bend over and try to push my erected penis down a bit to pee into the can... but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine.. I feel my turd start to come out at the same time!



So then I'm like "**** this... I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"... so I sit on the can... grasp my penis hard to try and "block" it... and I then tried to let the crap come out....that didn't work so well...

As I relaxed my anal sphincters... my pelvic floor muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor... I started panicking at this point... so I desperately held my crap again, while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in... I tried take the piss and crap at the same time, but my ass was too far out and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor.





I then closed everything off again (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have go so badly)... wtf was I supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head:



I ran into her bathtub and let myself go there... I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of getting **** on her floor....



At that point things get even worse...



The turd wouldn't ****ing dissolve... and the damn bish was asking me wtf I'm doing showering in her bathroom....

I then answer "yea lol... I'm showering... is that ok?"...

she says: what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retardedly) say: yes we are lol

she then gets mad and says: wtf? is this some kind of joke... get out of there!!

I say: no please don't come in... I'm not done yet...

At this point the hot water I was using to try and dissolve my sh!t was releasing **** smelling vapors all over the room.. and it was pretty rancid... the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so ****ing bad? What the hell are you doing in there???"

I say: please don't come in... trust me.. you'll regret it...

she says: **** this... get out now or I'm unlocking the door..

I beg her not too... but she loses her patience and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks. There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal residue on my ass,large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can... I was so ****ing embarassed... I started shivering... she looks at me while covering her mouth and nose and whispers... "wtf did you do???"...she was starting to cry... I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best ... I... I'm sorry"... She then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves, and I grap some toilet paper... pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them in the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water and alot of tissues. I tossed most of the tissues into her toilet bowl (the garbage was full eventually). I then took some perfume from the counter and tossed into the bathtub to get rid of odor. After I was done I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. To my utmost dismay, my massive fecal matter bulk and the large amount of TP unded up clogging the toilet and it overflowed and started spilling crap all over the floor... I'm literally crying at that point... I look for the plunger but I couldn't find it so I put my pants on and rushed out to ask her if she had a plunger so I could fix the toilet...I see her with her roommate and her roommates bf... she's crying... as soon as she sees me she tells me to gtfo right now... I try to explain that the toilet is clogged... but she doesn't let me ... she says she feels threatened and she wants me out now... she graps a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave... I leave.

about a minute later I hear this loud scream coming from her dorm room (I assumed she went back to the bathroom to see it covered in poo water). At that point I sprinted away as fast as possible, while swearing at myself and crying tears of frustration and embarrasment.

All of this could have ****ing been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottles!!! WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub???? This is ****ing retarded (yes mad).

to all you people saying "peeing in bottles is stupid/gross"... well **** that... not only is it more convenient and cleaner, but it also prevents epic disaters like this one....

This is what WOULD have happened if I had my trustee pee bottle... I would have on sat on the can and then simultaneosly peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster... no mess.... and none of this would have happened.

anyway... should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself? or should i just hope I never run into her again?

strong everything, mirin your art!!

[cunfewzed]

This guy is acting like a virgin. Srs.

[caliglow]

Maybe give him some tips, instead of IT HURTS OWW.

I told him twice that he did it too hard and he apologized and went right back to doing it the exact same. Idk mane

[Cheeseburger12]

I told him twice that he did it too hard and he apologized and went right back to doing it the exact same. Idk mane

Is he like full on finger blasting you or something? Or putting insane pressure on his fingers? wtf is he doing?

[chaoserver]

First of all brahs, does anyone know how to spoof gps? I heard the app was gps spoof, but it simply doesn't exist. Willrep.

Anyways random tinder journal update of some good times and some horrors. Not as long as previous ones but I might work on those. Gonna post horrors separately.

Few convos that resulted in hookups, didnt take pics of all the gals:

Tallish chick, was pretty standard.


Thirsty thicker chick who initiated contact(still within cutoff brahs). TBH these girls who for whatever reason are really invested in you are great. No games, or nonsense, usually can set the time and date you want, they never flake. If they are good you can see them again whenever.




One on the left, Sloot/10


Another tall skinny girl. Repressed kinky type.


5 foot HBB. Don't mind taller girls but small ones are almost always wayy better.

But in full disclosure I had pretty much my first bad/super awkward experience tonight(not counting that wilderbeast I didn't pick up). Chick was bit shorter than me, body aesthetically a 7 or so and her face was ok, probably a 6. Despite being pretty average in appearance I was pretty intrigued since she deflected my generic tinder game and actually drove it into an interesting and fun conversation. We decided on a cuddle buddy tryout night, where she could raid my alchohol while I judged her netflix taste.

Grabbed her from the train station and the conversation was pretty solid on the way back. Gave her one of my wine bottles to nurse, which ended up making us not be in contact for the beginning of the netflixing while she was finishing it. When she was done though and leaned back she did so in such a way she was basically deliberately not making contact. I figured she was shy/nervous despite her being very outspoken and seeming well grounded so I said in a light tone "you don't have to hang off the bed, make yourself comfortable" to which she made the weird reply "I'm not hanging off the bed" seriously, and shifted as if I had to verify that was accurate. At this point she had lost me considering our texts had been pretty standard pre-hookup and besides that we had specifically discussed cuddling. I said fug it and pulled her in, assuming she was for whatever reason too awkward to nestle in herself.

About ten minutes late she says, "dont mind me, Im gonna lay like this" and she sprawls out face towards the tv. At this point I was seriously wondering wtf was up. Conversation was still good throughout all this, since honestly she had a better head on her shoulders than most girls, but it was awkward as fuu how she was acting. So I ignored the fact that datass was in my face and decided that this was gonna be my first tinder flop, and that nothing was gonna happen(at this point I texted a few other girls lol). Then randomly she shifted up again after an hour and a half of little to nothing happening, though again she made no contact until I pulled her in again(mainly to spare myself the awkwardness of her rigidly next to me, separated by an invisible line). Half hour later and we are approaching what we had decided was gonna be the final episode before I brought her back.

At that point between the combined factors of not willing to break my tinder streak, the fact she *gasp* voluntarily laid her head on my chest, and the fact I would never be seeing her again caused me to decide to just make a move(which btw you always should do. When I was a noob I almost missed some smashes not going for it). Pull my arm out from under her, turn and just start making out with her. She receptive, although unfortunately she's wearing her horrid work clothes(jeans, BELT, and dress shirt)so after some second base there's really no progressing past her unaccommodating bottoms. Doesn't matter since in a sec she pulls away and turns back to the show. At this point I just want to get her out of there and returned to texting.

Suddenly she moves her head down, tugs on my sweats, and takes my semi chub in her mouth. I have no idea wtf is going on, but she keeps at it and it is certainly a step up from anything else that had happened that night. After 4 or so minutes, when its starting to feel good she just sort of stops, tucks it away, cuddles back up and occasionally banters the last few minutes while I'm WTFing. Anyways I instantly GTFO and get her to the train and instantly drive to a chick I'd seen before who lives near it and destroyed her with the force of a thousand rhinoceroses on viagra.

I really have no idea what was up with her. On one hand she was not only smart, but a very good social speaker and not awkward at all in that regard while simultaneously being SO awkward with anything involving even very benign contact. Its possible she was having an internal dilemma because she wanted to sloot up, but didnt want to feel like one, or that she is borderline retarded when it comes to that kind of stuff and doesn't know how to express herself. Idk bras what do you think.

[Skeptical_Hippo]

I told him twice that he did it too hard and he apologized and went right back to doing it the exact same. Idk mane

Maybe he was drunk or a virgin? I'd bust quick as fuk too not gonna lie but lol @ the rough fingering

5 inches aw fuk bye

[bosoxdanc]

I told him twice that he did it too hard and he apologized and went right back to doing it the exact same. Idk mane

Well, work with him. Tell him what feels good. Help him out.

[cunfewzed]

@chaos story - it seems like she finally mustered the gall to sloot it up, but since you weren't prepared for it, she got self conscious and thought she wasn't doing a good "job". Pardon the pun. She decided to cut her losses? That's really the only thing that makes sense. Read: 3 hr internal dilemma, alright I'm gonna blow this guy, wtf he's only semi-hard?!, eff this I'm out.

[Aritzia]

But in full disclosure I had pretty much my first bad/super awkward experience tonight(not counting that wilderbeast I didn't pick up). Chick was bit shorter than me, body aesthetically a 7 or so and her face was ok, probably a 6. Despite being pretty average in appearance I was pretty intrigued since she deflected my generic tinder game and actually drove it into an interesting and fun conversation. We decided on a cuddle buddy tryout night, where she could raid my alchohol while I judged her netflix taste.

Grabbed her from the train station and the conversation was pretty solid on the way back. Gave her one of my wine bottles to nurse, which ended up making us not be in contact for the beginning of the netflixing while she was finishing it. When she was done though and leaned back she did so in such a way she was basically deliberately not making contact. I figured she was shy/nervous despite her being very outspoken and seeming well grounded so I said in a light tone "you don't have to hang off the bed, make yourself comfortable" to which she made the weird reply "I'm not hanging off the bed" seriously, and shifted as if I had to verify that was accurate. At this point she had lost me considering our texts had been pretty standard pre-hookup and besides that we had specifically discussed cuddling. I said fug it and pulled her in, assuming she was for whatever reason too awkward to nestle in herself.

About ten minutes late she says, "dont mind me, Im gonna lay like this" and she sprawls out face towards the tv. At this point I was seriously wondering wtf was up. Conversation was still good throughout all this, since honestly she had a better head on her shoulders than most girls, but it was awkward as fuu how she was acting. So I ignored the fact that datass was in my face and decided that this was gonna be my first tinder flop, and that nothing was gonna happen(at this point I texted a few other girls lol). Then randomly she shifted up again after an hour and a half of little to nothing happening, though again she made no contact until I pulled her in again(mainly to spare myself the awkwardness of her rigidly next to me, separated by an invisible line). Half hour later and we are approaching what we had decided was gonna be the final episode before I brought her back.

At that point between the combined factors of not willing to break my tinder streak, the fact she *gasp* voluntarily laid her head on my chest, and the fact I would never be seeing her again caused me to decide to just make a move(which btw you always should do. When I was a noob I almost missed some smashes not going for it). Pull my arm out from under her, turn and just start making out with her. She receptive, although unfortunately she's wearing her horrid work clothes(jeans, BELT, and dress shirt)so after some second base there's really no progressing past her unaccommodating bottoms. Doesn't matter since in a sec she pulls away and turns back to the show. At this point I just want to get her out of there and returned to texting.

Suddenly she moves her head down, tugs on my sweats, and takes my semi chub in her mouth. I have no idea wtf is going on, but she keeps at it and it is certainly a step up from anything else that had happened that night. After 4 or so minutes, when its starting to feel good she just sort of stops, tucks it away, cuddles back up and occasionally banters the last few minutes while I'm WTFing. Anyways I instantly GTFO and get her to the train and instantly drive to a chick I'd seen before who lives near it and destroyed her with the force of a thousand rhinoceroses on viagra.

I really have no idea what was up with her. On one hand she was not only smart, but a very good social speaker and not awkward at all in that regard while simultaneously being SO awkward with anything involving even very benign contact. Its possible she was having an internal dilemma because she wanted to sloot up, but didnt want to feel like one, or that she is borderline retarded when it comes to that kind of stuff and doesn't know how to express herself. Idk bras what do you think.

maybe she was trying to hold her crap and pee the same time





























semi-srs

[cunfewzed]

I told him twice that he did it too hard and he apologized and went right back to doing it the exact same. Idk mane

I honestly think he has little to no experience. Explains awkwardness and terrible (pathetic) foreplay.