How to tell if the "Love" keeps you, or just the Habit/Routine/Comfort?

[FatLazyJuicer]

What do you guys think...

If you are in a relationship with someone, but you know its not healthy, and its not improving, but you love the person - how do you know if its the "Love" that keeps you there, the idea that the person is so amazing that you dont want to be without them, or if its just the comfort and routine/habit of being with them, knowing they are around, or maybe even just the possession of them cause u dont want anyone else to have them?

[digitalbath11]

What do you guys think...

If you are in a relationship with someone, but you know its not healthy, and its not improving, but you love the person - how do you know if its the "Love" that keeps you there, the idea that the person is so amazing that you dont want to be without them, or if its just the comfort and routine/habit of being with them, knowing they are around, or maybe even just the possession of them cause u dont want anyone else to have them?

I think it's all of the above, or a little from column a, b and c.

Just because you love someone, doesn't make it healthy or right. So while your relationship might be rocky, confusing, unhealthy, etc., doesn't mean you don't truly love them.

However, love alone will not (or should not) keep your relationship going.

If you're having communication issues, and they're not being addressed/worked on, I can assure you that your relationship days are numbered.

It really doesn't matter how awesome they may be. If there are issues and they are ignored because you love them, or because it's comforting to be with them, you're just prolonging an imminent break up.

So do something about it. Don't live like that though. It just gets worse.

[caretaker1]

What do you guys think...

If you are in a relationship with someone, but you know its not healthy, and its not improving, but you love the person - how do you know if its the "Love" that keeps you there, the idea that the person is so amazing that you dont want to be without them, or if its just the comfort and routine/habit of being with them, knowing they are around, or maybe even just the possession of them cause u dont want anyone else to have them?

I don't understand how the person can be amazing if the relationship with them is not healthy. People stay in bad relationships for lots of reasons, comfort/routine/habit probably being at the top of the list. A few jealous types might worry about the possession angle, but I'd guess that's much rarer.

[Kelvandros]

Do you more look forward to the time when the person is there, or the time when you're not around the person. If you look forward to times when the person is gone, you're just staying in the relationship because it's habit and easier than doing everything on your own.

[FatLazyJuicer]

I think it's all of the above, or a little from column a, b and c.

Just because you love someone, doesn't make it healthy or right. So while your relationship might be rocky, confusing, unhealthy, etc., doesn't mean you don't truly love them.

However, love alone will not (or should not) keep your relationship going.

If you're having communication issues, and they're not being addressed/worked on, I can assure you that your relationship days are numbered.

It really doesn't matter how awesome they may be. If there are issues and they are ignored because you love them, or because it's comforting to be with them, you're just prolonging an imminent break up.

So do something about it. Don't live like that though. It just gets worse.

I don't understand how the person can be amazing if the relationship with them is not healthy. People stay in bad relationships for lots of reasons, comfort/routine/habit probably being at the top of the list. A few jealous types might worry about the possession angle, but I'd guess that's much rarer.

Basically, My gf is a very stubborn/immature girl who is 26, but lives with her passive aggressive rich father, so he does whatever to keep her there so he has someone to "control" and she lives a consequnce free life.

She doesnt have to face reality for anything - if she loses a job, she can work for dad, if she gets a ticket, someone will fix it.. she is just childish in that sense

When we fight, she'll say something ignorant or childish, or act non-chalant about the whole thing, which infuriates me, as I am a self made, successful all american type guy, and shes classic cuban "castro" mentality, while I am "JFK"

We got into a bad fight yesterday, she hit me a few times, was crying, but shes so fly by night, that i could have easily said what she wanted to hear and she'd be all about marriage come dinner time.. so when she starts with the "i dont wanna be with you" " this wont work" **** i just get pissed cause I KNOW you cant just throw words like that out, but she does.

So she said shed come back last night to talk, and promised - clearly a lie, I made the mistake of meeting her at work to talk before she went to her rents (she hadnt moved in fully yet, and took her stuff from my place yesterday)

The store was empty, she wasnt happy to see me, so i agreed id wait outside for 10 min til they closed, and we'd talk for a few - i asked if she wanted me to wait at my car in the front, or hers in the back (didnt wanna be that guy, sitting on her hood u know, like a crazy prick) she said the front. I clearly told her, "you are gonna sneak out the back" and she goes "nooo. I have to go out the front to lock the gate" all snappy and guilting me almost.

well, sure enough, she vanished out the back.

I texted her this, and havent spoke to her since:

"I remember you used to get excited when id surprise you at work, today you seemed so miserable to see me - I guess things have changed - Im sorry"

She always says, "Point out the good when we fight so I feel bad", so i tried it, no reply.

She said all this **** when we fought, how I need to let her win sometimes, even if shes wrong? And I need to "let her lead" cause thats how hispanic familes are (she attributes everything to "Being spanish" or me "being white") she doesnt understand these are learned social behaviors, not genetic.

Anyways, I tried evrything, text her and wrote her an email before going to her work, offering to take her advice and try things her way, I dont know what else I could have done or said, I am a very rational and logical person, she says Im too stressed, but hey, I run a business, pay every bill, cook and clean 98% of the time (not exaggerating) and I accept reality, so for someone who doesnt, its "Unnecessary stress"

I know this is my fault for not establishing limits.. shes like a child to the point, she naturally tests me, she knows she can be a bitch, and pull this, and I always come chasing, calling, etc - we've never gone more then 1 day without talking.. So for her, at the moment she doesnt think or care, when it settles in, she knows she can come back like all is fine.

This time, Im not calling/texting or anything - havent updated fbook or anything so hopefully I am out of sight/out of mind.. I think give her a few days and shell come back, or Ill atleast text her a birthday wish out of respect. But if/when she does come back, I dont know what to do.. I dont know if I can use that point to establish boundaries, or make her prove herself, or if she is so stubborn she'll just say whatever "he doesnt wanna be with me, then I dont need him" -I dont want an unhealthy relationship, but I do love her... But I had an ex tell me once "love isnt always enough" - She might be right

[FatLazyJuicer]

Do you more look forward to the time when the person is there, or the time when you're not around the person. If you look forward to times when the person is gone, you're just staying in the relationship because it's habit and easier than doing everything on your own.

When Im alone, I think about her, we get along, can be the best of friends, but when shes not getting her way, shes a brat.

We'll get along, and I want nothing more then to be with her, then she starts her nonsense, and I want to get away...

Then, she comes back all sweet and cute, and it annoys me, cause Im so fed up with her

[caretaker1]

This seems like a pretty easy decision to leave her. You're driven, successful, and young (and I'll assume decent looking). Why would you settle for this bull****? Go find yourself a high value gal.

[FatLazyJuicer]

This seems like a pretty easy decision to leave her. You're driven, successful, and young (and I'll assume decent looking). Why would you settle for this bull****? Go find yourself a high value gal.

A part of me loves her and wants to help her mature, which I think when she does will be an incredible person.

Shes gorgeous, intelligent, and despite being "selfish" in certain ways she is a very considerate and compassionate person.

Yesterday was the first time it had been that bad, before it was simple arguing, nonsense... but still, tiring.

I had problems trusting her cause she didnt set limits with guy friends, and once I cauight her borderline flirting.. she was asking a guy who gets cheap tix to football games for some, then he asked does it matter where.. she said" well close to you, I dont wanan go alone silly"

She told me she was asking for US, but that night we had been fighting, and I knew she was just looking for attention.

So now, although I trust her, I trust that she wont cheat on me (she cheated on an ex) not because she loves me, but only cause she doesnt want the guilt... She wouldnt risk not having the upper hand or being the "wrong one" in the relationship

Now granted, shes not much of a ********er anymore.. she posts quotes as satus's..updates here and there.. but she still hasnt "dumped me" there yet..

As stupid as the whole fbook relationship thing is, I use it as a guage, cause all the times we split ways, she only deleted me off there once, because "she really was done" - i mean, all her family and friends see the change, so unless shes serious she wont do it.. then again, today is her day off and she may be sleeping for 12 hours like she always does

This is us BTW: (2nd pic is from before things went south back last April)

[ILLGRIMES]

A part of me loves her and wants to help her mature, which I think when she does will be an incredible person.

People don't change generally.


If it were me, I'd find another girl based on what has happened so far. I mean, she dipped out the back of the store instead of confronting you. She runs from her problems and doesn't take responsibility. If you stay, you will always be fixing her issues, meanwhile, she is going to be spending your/daddy's money.

This sounds more like you are a little scared to be alone and don't want to leave because of it.

[FatLazyJuicer]

People don't change generally.


If it were me, I'd find another girl based on what has happened so far. I mean, she dipped out the back of the store instead of confronting you. She runs from her problems and doesn't take responsibility. If you stay, you will always be fixing her issues, meanwhile, she is going to be spending your/daddy's money.

Yeah, I agree 100% - she pays her own ****, but sitll thinks "man is the provider" blah blah

She is childish like that, all her friends say "give her space & let her fiugure it out, or see it) but shes so stubborn, thats a gamble, cause she;ll convince herself otherwise

However, I guesss if someone can "Love me & see themselves marrying me" but can convince themself not to talk to me again, even tho I didnt cheat, or hit them.. then I guess I dont need that kind of person anyways

Just hard to grasp not having her to see or talk to, I used to worry if she was talking to someone else when we'd split like this..but now, I dont really care all that much =/

[caretaker1]

A part of me loves her and wants to help her mature, which I think when she does will be an incredible person.

But she won't. She has no reason to, and has twenty-plus years of life telling her she doesn't have to (because of daddy). So she's also selfish, she has no work ethic, you fight with her a lot, she assaults you and now thinks it's ok, you don't trust her, she flirts with other guys, she cheated on an ex (and that means, whether you want to believe it or not she could cheat on you), and you've broken up before (?). Are you kidding?

You look like the kind of guy who should have no problem snagging other attractive women. You're young and successful, why would you settle for this? It sounds to me not so much routine, but you're just enamored with her looks and maybe her feisty nature. There's nothing else I can really tell you. Best of luck whatever you choose.

[FatLazyJuicer]

But she won't. She has no reason to, and has twenty-plus years of life telling her she doesn't have to (because of daddy). So she's also selfish, she has no work ethic, you fight with her a lot, she assaults you and now thinks it's ok, you don't trust her, she flirts with other guys, she cheated on an ex (and that means, whether you want to believe it or not she could cheat on you), and you've broken up before (?). Are you kidding?

You look like the kind of guy who should have no problem snagging other attractive women. You're young and successful, why would you settle for this? It sounds to me not so much routine, but you're just enamored with her looks and maybe her feisty nature. There's nothing else I can really tell you. Best of luck whatever you choose.

I appreciate it man.

I mean, yeah shes beautiful, but I know there are far more attractive women I can easily obtain - I agree that she wont grow up unless she HAS to, and depsite what I say, or how angry I get, my actions say otherwise.

I also think all women will cheat, given the right opportunity... She frankly doesnt have time between work or school, but if she really wanted to, she could...however, she wants an easy life, and doesnt want the guilt..so sadly, thats my security (****ty security I know)

I think its habit.routine - I met her when I knew no one down here, all I know of Life in Miami is with her... So, despite how much I "love her" and how great things had once been, I think thats what keeps us together.

When we met, it was amazing, I had never met scuh a fun, assertive, confident girl..then I realized that was all a facade, to protect herself from being taken advantage of, she in fact was insecure, and careless... Wonderful

[FatLazyJuicer]

Now I dont know what I want, the fact shes not calling or texting, is driving me nuts...but I dont want to talk to her even if she does

[EternallyMiscd]

She's not 18, she's 26. Her time to "mature" is rapidly running out.

[FatLazyJuicer]

She's not 18, she's 26. Her time to "mature" is rapidly running out.

Yeah, this also crossed my mind.

[digitalbath11]

after reading some more, it sounds to me like you've become a father figure to her.

Let me explain.

You put up with the tantrums, the sheety behavior, the insults, negative comments, and overall unhealthy relationship, just like her dad does it.

You forgive (enable) her behavior and have never gone more than a day without speaking/seeing each other.

You have become an enabler, co-dependant boyfriend who no matter what she does or says, you'll be there for her and save her as she figures out how to grow up into an adult.

Take the lead. This is your chance. You either correct it, or you end it. No more of this in between, gray-area BS relationship that you guys have going on.

I do feel for you. You really do love her, but like I said earlier, that just doesn't do squat in a relationship. You either both work for it, or you gracefully step out and deal with the consequences like adults do it.


good luck regardless of what you choose to do.

[FatLazyJuicer]

after reading some more, it sounds to me like you've become a father figure to her.

Let me explain.

You put up with the tantrums, the sheety behavior, the insults, negative comments, and overall unhealthy relationship, just like her dad does it.

You forgive (enable) her behavior and have never gone more than a day without speaking/seeing each other.

You have become an enabler, co-dependant boyfriend who no matter what she does or says, you'll be there for her and save her as she figures out how to grow up into an adult.

Take the lead. This is your chance. You either correct it, or you end it. No more of this in between, gray-area BS relationship that you guys have going on.

I do feel for you. You really do love her, but like I said earlier, that just doesn't do squat in a relationship. You either both work for it, or you gracefully step out and deal with the consequences like adults do it.


good luck regardless of what you choose to do.

You hit it on the head 100%, she even complains that Im like a father to her, but really, what does she expect if she needs guidance? I mean, am I supposed to sit back and say nothing/.

I dont know how I can fix this now, she hasnt spoken to me, and I dont know how I feel about that, usually Id be texting/calling her trying to get her attention, but now I havent tried.

I think if I manage to give her space for a few, if I text her on her bday that will start convo if it hasnt already (thats friday) But I dont think anything I can do will get her/us on the right path...

[Kelvandros]

after reading some more, it sounds to me like you've become a father figure to her.

Let me explain.

You put up with the tantrums, the sheety behavior, the insults, negative comments, and overall unhealthy relationship, just like her dad does it.

You forgive (enable) her behavior and have never gone more than a day without speaking/seeing each other.

You have become an enabler, co-dependant boyfriend who no matter what she does or says, you'll be there for her and save her as she figures out how to grow up into an adult.

Take the lead. This is your chance. You either correct it, or you end it. No more of this in between, gray-area BS relationship that you guys have going on.

I do feel for you. You really do love her, but like I said earlier, that just doesn't do squat in a relationship. You either both work for it, or you gracefully step out and deal with the consequences like adults do it.


good luck regardless of what you choose to do.

I agree with all of this.

You've taken this role and now you hate it. She isn't going to grow up, because she doesn't have a reason to. If you leave her, there's a good chance she'll find someone else and put them through the same crap. She isn't going to change overnight, at least, not without something major happening. If you break up with her, she'll convince herself that it's just you being selfish and that it's all your fault.

Just fyi, she'll be likely to tell the next guy she's with that you abused her, or didn't take care of her. She might also tell any mutual friends the same story.

[FatLazyJuicer]

Just fyi, she'll be likely to tell the next guy she's with that you abused her, or didn't take care of her. She might also tell any mutual friends the same story.

Normally Id agree with this, but shes not the attention type - shell most likely say it wasnt working, blah blah..a nd leave it at that

[xokate]

She's not 18, she's 26. Her time to "mature" is rapidly running out.

This is exactly what I thought reading this. You're not her dad, it's not your responsibility to help her mature...And even if it was, doesn't really sound like it's going to happen. The sneaking out the back door bull****? Sounds like she doesn't respect you and she makes no secret of it.

[FatLazyJuicer]

This is exactly what I thought reading this. You're not her dad, it's not your responsibility to help her mature...And even if it was, doesn't really sound like it's going to happen. The sneaking out the back door bull****? Sounds like she doesn't respect you and she makes no secret of it.

I think thats why now Im ok with not talking to her and the relationship potentially being over. That was very low, and the fact I told her I knew she was gonna do it, and she lied/guilted me into believing she wouldnt really hurts.

She also did it in front of 2 co-workers, in her dads company, and that guy isnt my biggest fan already so Im sure he'll hear about it.

[Brahesthetics]

i'm going to be completely blunt: ditch this dumb girl and stop being a *******

[Uncle Bob]

Now I dont know what I want, the fact shes not calling or texting, is driving me nuts...but I dont want to talk to her even if she does

This sounds like someone in detox from a very powerful drug withdrawal. What was your life like before you met this girl?

[FatLazyJuicer]

This sounds like someone in detox from a very powerful drug withdrawal. What was your life like before you met this girl?

Life wasnt bad, moved down here with my ex from Boston, the gap between the two of them was short. I had my own apartment Downtown, still working for myself, making decent money, etc

its not that I cant live without her or what not, I mean, before I would get anxiety and what not, but now I feel ok about the whole thing, a little bothered, but the fact shes not saying anything, like..its paused u know? No closure, no nothing.. and shes still sitting there on my ****ing ********.

Id just delete her and call it a day, but then I might regret that, and it will cause her to be all childish and be spiteful towards me.

I frankly just dont know what to do since its still.. uneasy I guess?

She says she wants nothjing to do with me, she ignored me, but.. this is how she is, and her silence now makes me think its just space for her to relax and then realize in a week or 2 she misses me, only to come back with all her bull**** and as much as I dont want that, I dont want to kill the chance of seeing if she comes or not u know?

[Kelvandros]

Life wasnt bad, moved down here with my ex from Boston, the gap between the two of them was short. I had my own apartment Downtown, still working for myself, making decent money, etc

its not that I cant live without her or what not, I mean, before I would get anxiety and what not, but now I feel ok about the whole thing, a little bothered, but the fact shes not saying anything, like..its paused u know? No closure, no nothing.. and shes still sitting there on my ****ing ********.

Id just delete her and call it a day, but then I might regret that, and it will cause her to be all childish and be spiteful towards me.

I frankly just dont know what to do since its still.. uneasy I guess?

She says she wants nothjing to do with me, she ignored me, but.. this is how she is, and her silence now makes me think its just space for her to relax and then realize in a week or 2 she misses me, only to come back with all her bull**** and as much as I dont want that, I dont want to kill the chance of seeing if she comes or not u know?

She isn't going to change in a week or 2. Why does it make a difference if you get in contact with her now and break it off, or wait until she comes back to break it off?

[FatLazyJuicer]

She isn't going to change in a week or 2. Why does it make a difference if you get in contact with her now and break it off, or wait until she comes back to break it off?

Not change, but maybe be more open minded, then over time she will grow as a person.

Dont think it will happen, I cracked and texted her, and she didnt wanna talk, she said theres no love and respect left for me

Feelsbadman

[janky]

Oh sht!

FLJ in the RH!
sup bruh?!?!


Hey I gotta be real honest man, there's nothing I can say that digital didn't already cover. You're just enabling a brat that refuses to be an adult.
Obviously maturity and making your way in life are IMPORTANT traits to you, but you're bending them for this girl who is your polar opposite in that regard.

This is something that's cemented in her character. You're not going to undo 26 years of creation and magically turn her into a respectable, responsible adult. So having said that, you have to ask if this is somthing you could tolerate long term. If not, you know what you gotta do.

Yes, it sounds like it's habit/routine/comfort for you. You're just addicted to having her around and that blinds you to the obvious issue that keeps creating dramatics.

Break the routine bro, stay cordial with her, but move along. It doesn't sound like this one is working out for you, so I wouldn't waste any more time.

[kineticforce]

Not change, but maybe be more open minded, then over time she will grow as a person.

Dont think it will happen, I cracked and texted her, and she didnt wanna talk, she said theres no love and respect left for me

Feelsbadman

interesting........

why not just forget her.........anytime you want to do something do the exact opposite.....

you want to txt her dont.......call dont

your best bet is to delete her off FB if you have it and keep her number on your phone... dont contact her. some good advice in here but you've allowed tooo much to go on without correcting her behavior. WHICH IS HARD to do sometimes when you dont want to come across as a d!ck but want to be stern - its a line you have to walk sometimes

HOWEVER - you knew about the father and how she was - you just "put up" with it - your best bet IF you do get back together is start to tame her. IF YOU CANT too bad - money + spoiled women + daddy issues = major bitch USUALLY cause she can get her way....99% of the time.

Respect is a two way street bro............

[FatLazyJuicer]

Oh sht!

FLJ in the RH!
sup bruh?!?!


Hey I gotta be real honest man, there's nothing I can say that digital didn't already cover. You're just enabling a brat that refuses to be an adult.
Obviously maturity and making your way in life are IMPORTANT traits to you, but you're bending them for this girl who is your polar opposite in that regard.

This is something that's cemented in her character. You're not going to undo 26 years of creation and magically turn her into a respectable, responsible adult. So having said that, you have to ask if this is somthing you could tolerate long term. If not, you know what you gotta do.

Yes, it sounds like it's habit/routine/comfort for you. You're just addicted to having her around and that blinds you to the obvious issue that keeps creating dramatics.

Break the routine bro, stay cordial with her, but move along. It doesn't sound like this one is working out for you, so I wouldn't waste any more time.

Nah man, you are right... Just sucks especially now with her bday coming and Valentines I dont want to be without her, hence why I cracked and texted her : will post in a sec

[janky]

Yeah, I hear ya... vday sucks for a lot of people man. Funny how sht hits the fan right before huh?? lol.. happens all the time.

you'll meet someone better that meshes with your personality/ethics and this will all just be a stupid, easily forgettable memory.