Any parents with 13 yr. old daughters? Need advice.

[Herbalizer]

Well my step daughter is starting has blown a fuse or something. She's always been a good girl and very trust worthy since I've known her. Now all of a sudden she's really testing the waters with us.

She has a boyfriend that we both don't approve of and I truly dislike. We've noticed that she's starting to be sneaky and lying lately. We've had several talks with her lately about what's been going on. I can tell by the look on her face that it's just goin on def ears.

Does anyone have any good advice or had any success getting through to a kid about staying on the righ track? She's not dumb just extremely selfish and self centerd right now. Mostly due to boys talking to her all the time now. So I really think that it's going to her head in a bad way. Being the step dad I don't want to over step my boundaries and make things worse.

Any help is much appreciated.

[bambifox]

This behavior is certainly not uncommon amongst teenage girls. I have a 22 yr old daughter who's still that way! AND that's exactly the age when she started with her "sh*t". It continued on until about age...uhhh...22! LOL..but true. I re-married...so she also grew up with a step father who (unfortunately) was more of a friend than a father and constantly went against my wishes.

Here's my advice. You are right NOT to want to overstep...but you can contribute your thoughts and ideas...however, I'd keep it to the MOM..and not the daughter. BOYFRIEND at age 13??? Uhhh...here's your problem right there. She's too young right now as her attitude shows. Remember...you guys pay the bills, provide food and shelter...YOU make the RULES..not her. Sometimes "tough love" is best. It's alot of work, cuz these girls will try you to no end...but you must keep your composure (no screaming), and rule with an iron fist. Right now, her only concern should be household chores and school. She's got so much growing to do and having a "love interest" will only confuse...eh...complicate things for her and impair her emotional growth! I'd talk to her mom about these things and come up with a set of RULES that you BOTH can agree on and stick together on.

Where I come from we call this stage in a young girl's life "smelling her a$$" phase. This will pass...but unfortunately for most...not for several years to come. Make your rules and stick to them (despite her threats of moving out or other ridiculous threats)...she will try to win...she will try to manipulate you into giving into her demands....she will try and reason with you why it is best to let her have her way...but don't give in...this is one of those BATTLES...you MUST win

[Amanda76]

I have a 14 year old daughter and some of her friends' attitudes about boys worry me...but so far my own daughter hasn't done anything to actually concern me. I hope that doesn't change over the next couple of years.

Based off how my sister and I were at that age and the easy exposure kids have to all kinds of information anymore, I think all you can do is encourage open communication with your children. Both my sister and I were sneaky when we didn't think we'd get our way or didn't want to deal with our parents "losing it." Knowing it was safe to talk to our parents and that they could have been "reasoned" with would have allowed them the opportunity to guide us a bit more at that stage, I think, instead of us trying to figure out ways to bypass their interferance completely.

If your step daughter is past the point of being reasoned with, though, you're going to have to remove whatever is causing that behavior now I think. At 13, you should still have quite a bit of control over where your daughter goes and who is allowed into your home. Won't be that way once she and her friends can drive.

What kind of extra-curricular activities is she involved in? That can shift her focus to more positive things as well.

[Herbalizer]

Thanks Bambifox.

I agree with everything you're saying. If it were up to me she wouldn't have a boyfriend till she was at least 18 or so. I know all of this is normal behavior but it's really trying my patience. It's all new to me and I really didn't figure that I'd be raising a teenage daughter so soon. It's just so challenging because we love her so much. To be disappointed by you're little girl that's always been so good and never had to think twice about trusting really hurts, ya know. Anyway thanks

[tryn2getstrong]

My stepdaughter, 14, flucuates between total disregard for anything we say or want, no matter how small and that sweet little girl she used to be. She was 8 when her mom and I married. We've tried everything, talking, punishing, rewarding and nothing seems to work for her. She's a good kid at heart, but she's so hard to deal with at times.

No answers, just comiserating.

[Herbalizer]

I have a 14 year old daughter and some of her friends' attitudes about boys worry me...but so far my own daughter hasn't done anything to actually concern me. I hope that doesn't change over the next couple of years.

Based off how my sister and I were at that age and the easy exposure kids have to all kinds of information anymore, I think all you can do is encourage open communication with your children. Both my sister and I were sneaky when we didn't think we'd get our way or didn't want to deal with our parents "losing it." Knowing it was safe to talk to our parents and that they could have been "reasoned" with would have allowed them the opportunity to guide us a bit more at that stage, I think, instead of us trying to figure out ways to bypass their interferance completely.

If your step daughter is past the point of being reasoned with, though, you're going to have to remove whatever is causing that behavior now I think. At 13, you should still have quite a bit of control over where your daughter goes and who is allowed into your home. Won't be that way once she and her friends can drive.

What kind of extra-curricular activities is she involved in? That can shift her focus to more positive things as well.

Over all she's still good and does what we ask of her as far as doing chores and babysitting. She doesn't talk back and act very disrespectful.

She plays soccer for school and other sports. I'm trying to get her into a Visual and Performing Arts school here in the city. She loves art and drawing so I took her on a tour of the school last week to try and inspire here a bit more. I'm just affraid that she's not going to want to go or TRY her best to get in because all her friends and so called boyfriend are going to the local high school. She very talented and has a lot going for her. Just getting her to focus and have some passion about her talent is the hard part.

[Amanda76]

Over all she's still good and does what we ask of her as far as doing chores and babysitting. She doesn't talk back and act very disrespectful.

She plays soccer for school and other sports. I'm trying to get her into a Visual and Performing Arts school here in the city. She loves art and drawing so I took her on a tour of the school last week to try and inspire here a bit more. I'm just affraid that she's not going to want to go or TRY her best to get in because all her friends and so called boyfriend are going to the local high school. She very talented and has a lot going for her. Just getting her to focus and have some passion about her talent is the hard part.

I don't understand what the problem is, then? You need to let her choose her own friends a bit. You can talk to her about behaviors and attitudes her friends have that aren't good for them...chances are she'll agree. If you tell her you don't want her around them when they are engaging in those behaviors and that you expect to be called to pick her up when things are getting out of control, she might surprise you and call. My own daughter has done that because one of her friends wanted to hang out with older guys and she wanted no part of what was going on. Given the chance to make the choice, she made the right one. If I told her she couldn't hang out with the girl and she had it in her head I was being unfair by not trusting her and decided to be defiant, she couldn't have called me to get her out of that situation without risking getting in trouble (every time I ended up stuck in a questionable situation as a teen, it was because I didn't have anyone to call to get me out of it without the risk of them freaking out).

My daughter is very involved with the civic theater here and goes to our church's youth group. Because of that, she has friends outside the kids she goes to school with so I'd suggest getting her involved with things OUTSIDE school so she'll have other friends to look forward to seeing beyond the people going to the local high school. It will make transferring schools seem like less of a loss...especially if she doesn't feel like she won't be "allowed" to see her bf anymore (who she will likely loose interest in over time anyway).

[bambifox]

Thanks Bambifox.

I agree with everything you're saying. If it were up to me she wouldn't have a boyfriend till she was at least 18 or so. I know all of this is normal behavior but it's really trying my patience. It's all new to me and I really didn't figure that I'd be raising a teenage daughter so soon. It's just so challenging because we love her so much. To be disappointed by you're little girl that's always been so good and never had to think twice about trusting really hurts, ya know. Anyway thanks

Oh yes...I forgot the most important piece of advice...if all else fails...try a nice thick belt on that arse...it has a long track record of working and my parents used it successfully with 7 children. I guarantee you none of us have ever tried to pull the sh*t these teens do nowadays A good swift kick in the a$$ is what they need!

[PLANETGETLOW]

I thank my lucky stars I don't have a girl......whew!!

[erinlee01]

I thank my lucky stars I don't have a girl......whew!!

hehe - me, too!

[XCONKILLER]

Seems to be the trend with girls her age now days. Sex is probably not out of the question either, scary and sad. My friends 14 year old daughter is having all kinds of sex and he con not figure out how to stop it. They try to watch her but she sneaks off or sneaks guys in the house. Like your girl she is smart but when she hit 13 she changed.

[Herbalizer]

I don't understand what the problem is, then? You need to let her choose her own friends a bit. You can talk to her about behaviors and attitudes her friends have that aren't good for them...chances are she'll agree. If you tell her you don't want her around them when they are engaging in those behaviors and that you expect to be called to pick her up when things are getting out of control, she might surprise you and call. My own daughter has done that because one of her friends wanted to hang out with older guys and she wanted no part of what was going on. Given the chance to make the choice, she made the right one. If I told her she couldn't hang out with the girl and she had it in her head I was being unfair by not trusting her and decided to be defiant, she couldn't have called me to get her out of that situation without risking getting in trouble (every time I ended up stuck in a questionable situation as a teen, it was because I didn't have anyone to call to get me out of it without the risk of them freaking out).

My daughter is very involved with the civic theater here and goes to our church's youth group. Because of that, she has friends outside the kids she goes to school with so I'd suggest getting her involved with things OUTSIDE school so she'll have other friends to look forward to seeing beyond the people going to the local high school. It will make transferring schools seem like less of a loss...especially if she doesn't feel like she won't be "allowed" to see her bf anymore (who she will likely loose interest in over time anyway).

The problem is that she thinks she's an adult and bit too big for her britches kind of thing. I'd like to knip it in the bud because I can see it getting way out of hand if we're not on top of this now.

[Herbalizer]

Oh yes...I forgot the most important piece of advice...if all else fails...try a nice thick belt on that arse...it has a long track record of working and my parents used it successfully with 7 children. I guarantee you none of us have ever tried to pull the sh*t these teens do nowadays A good swift kick in the a$$ is what they need!

I agree with the belt approach too. My wife is totally against it though. So it's pretty much not going to happen.

[PLANETGETLOW]

hehe - me, too!

Girls mature quicker than boys

My kid is getting to that wierd transition age into puberty and although he's curious, he's still obeying the law *Knock on wood*

He has gotten off track a couple times but only online. Keep your kids off of the internet (myspace, fb, chat rooms) until they're older

IF my son was to start acting out, I'd have to tax that ass, plain and simple.

[runner05]

I thank my lucky stars I don't have a girl......whew!!

And keep your boy away from my girl! hehehehe

The problem is that she thinks she's an adult and bit too big for her britches kind of thing. I'd like to knip it in the bud because I can see it getting way out of hand if we're not on top of this now.

My daughter is 13... no answers here... I just keep loving, talking, communicating... especially when she's at her maddest and "hates" me! which I simply laugh at and tell her I love her... give her some time/space (at home)... and when she has cooled, we talk and we talk a LOT...

Each kid is different and will react differently to you... Good luck to us ALL!!

[Amanda76]

The problem is that she thinks she's an adult and bit too big for her britches kind of thing. I'd like to knip it in the bud because I can see it getting way out of hand if we're not on top of this now.

How is she displaying this "too big for her britches" thing if she doesn't talk back and act very disrespectful?

[PLANETGETLOW]

My daughter is 13... no answers here... I just keep loving, talking, communicating... especially when she's at her maddest and "hates" me! which I simply laugh at and tell her I love her... give her some time/space (at home)... and when she has cooled, we talk and we talk a LOT...

Each kid is different and will react differently to you... Good luck to us ALL!!

Solid advice.......

[erinlee01]

Girls mature quicker than boys

My kid is getting to that wierd transition age into puberty and although he's curious, he's still obeying the law *Knock on wood*

He has gotten off track a couple times but only online. Keep your kids off of the internet (myspace, fb, chat rooms) until they're older

IF my son was to start acting out, I'd have to tax that ass, plain and simple.

Getting the lying at my house. Caught him in 2 on Sunday alone. Lost Xbox for a week. I don't tolerate liars.

[PLANETGETLOW]

Getting the lying at my house. Caught him in 2 on Sunday alone. Lost Xbox for a week. I don't tolerate liars.

Oh crap, my boy tried that for about a week. Little white lies too. My mom and dad are notorious liars so I suspect he got it from them. I had to get a little harsh with him, after about 2 warnings. He hasn't lied since, knock on wood.

[beechmil]

I have a 14 year old daughter and some of her friends' attitudes about boys worry me...but so far my own daughter hasn't done anything to actually concern me. I hope that doesn't change over the next couple of years.

Based off how my sister and I were at that age and the easy exposure kids have to all kinds of information anymore, I think all you can do is encourage open communication with your children. Both my sister and I were sneaky when we didn't think we'd get our way or didn't want to deal with our parents "losing it." Knowing it was safe to talk to our parents and that they could have been "reasoned" with would have allowed them the opportunity to guide us a bit more at that stage, I think, instead of us trying to figure out ways to bypass their interferance completely.

If your step daughter is past the point of being reasoned with, though, you're going to have to remove whatever is causing that behavior now I think. At 13, you should still have quite a bit of control over where your daughter goes and who is allowed into your home. Won't be that way once she and her friends can drive.

What kind of extra-curricular activities is she involved in? That can shift her focus to more positive things as well.

I totally agree with this. My mother and step-dad were very open. I never even had a curfew and had my first boyfriend in the 7th grade. I turned out fine. My friends with strict parents snuck out, had sex and were more involved with drinking/drugs than those of us with "cooler" parents. I don't have children and respect that I'm not in your situation but I would strongly advise that you don't build a wall or make her fearful of talking openly with you. Make sure no matter what that she knows she can always come to you for help, support or advice.

[bambifox]

I thank my lucky stars I don't have a girl......whew!!

hehe - me, too!

LOL...@ how lucky you are Little girls are soooo sweet and so much fun...but when they go through that "teen" phase...they can be absolute nightmares! However, if a parent can "survive" the teens...they generally blossom into a godsend!

And keep your boy away from my girl! hehehehe

My daughter is 13... no answers here... I just keep loving, talking, communicating... especially when she's at her maddest and "hates" me! which I simply laugh at and tell her I love her... give her some time/space (at home)... and when she has cooled, we talk and we talk a LOT...

Each kid is different and will react differently to you... Good luck to us ALL!!

That's just great that you can "talk" to your daughter and she'll actually listen to a one solitary word you say. However, there are more teen girls than a few that simply refuse even the best advise, caressing, loving, caring, sharing, etc. They simply will not hear you. They don't respond well to "space" and become beligerant(sp?) when told to do something. Talking simply does not work...for these young teens...they simply "need" a harsher dose of reality in the form of "WHACK"! "KIRPLUNK"! "SLAP"! What lesson does this teach them? It teaches them that it actually/literally "HURTS" to be disobedient to your parents (it actually does in real life...and could even costs them their lives).

[Herbalizer]

How is she displaying this "too big for her britches" thing if she doesn't talk back and act very disrespectful?

She doesn't talk back in the disrespectful way that some kids would. With an ugly attitude and yelling. She tries to manipulate things to get her way. She thinks that we're dumbasses or something. She very good at being low key and getting her friends to follow along with her story. Until we question her and she cracks. It's been happening one too many times.

She's been such a good kid that she's been able to do and go where ever she wants with her friends. So the trust factor was very strong with us up until this summer. She would make plans without asking permission and having friends over as well without asking. That kind of thing. So now she tries to play on her moms feelings and what not acting sweet. Once we start asking her questions about things she wants to do her story starts to change and not make sense.

[tryn2getstrong]

LOL...@ how lucky you are Little girls are soooo sweet and so much fun...but when they go through that "teen" phase...they can be absolute nightmares! However, if a parent can "survive" the teens...they generally blossom into a godsend!



That's just great that you can "talk" to your daughter and she'll actually listen to a one solitary word you say. However, there are more teen girls than a few that simply refuse even the best advise, caressing, loving, caring, sharing, etc. They simply will not hear you. They don't respond well to "space" and become beligerant(sp?) when told to do something. Talking simply does not work...for these young teens...they simply "need" a harsher dose of reality in the form of "WHACK"! "KIRPLUNK"! "SLAP"! What lesson does this teach them? It teaches them that it actually/literally "HURTS" to be disobedient to your parents (it actually does in real life...and could even costs them their lives).

I've tried the talking angle til I'm blue in the face, and I mean the calm rational talk, treating her like an adult. She just looks through me and doesn't listen. She has listened to taking away TV, cell phone and the like, but it's a temporary fix.

[JAWS22]

Well my step daughter is starting has blown a fuse or something. She's always been a good girl and very trust worthy since I've known her. Now all of a sudden she's really testing the waters with us.

She has a boyfriend that we both don't approve of and I truly dislike. We've noticed that she's starting to be sneaky and lying lately. We've had several talks with her lately about what's been going on. I can tell by the look on her face that it's just goin on def ears.

Does anyone have any good advice or had any success getting through to a kid about staying on the righ track? She's not dumb just extremely selfish and self centerd right now. Mostly due to boys talking to her all the time now. So I really think that it's going to her head in a bad way. Being the step dad I don't want to over step my boundaries and make things worse.

Any help is much appreciated.

Assuming that you are not seperated from your wife or any other similar circumstances, tell her she cant see anybody, hell we dont even let my sister have boys come to the house for ****, let alone go out with them, and shes about to be 18. 13 is too ****in young to be ****in around with boys anyway, why do you think they keep getting pregnant? CUz theyre too damn stupid to be trusted.

[Herbalizer]

Assuming that you are not seperated from your wife or any other similar circumstances, tell her she cant see anybody, hell we dont even let my sister have boys come to the house for ****, let alone go out with them, and shes about to be 18. 13 is too ****in young to be ****in around with boys anyway, why do you think they keep getting pregnant? CUz theyre too damn stupid to be trusted.

No were not seperated. I couldn't agree with you more on the whole boyfriend thing. She and her mom know where I stand on that mess. Like I said I'm the step dad and her mom has the final word on the situation. So it is what it is.

I really appreciate the input from everyone, thank you very much. It's all a learning experience for me and I'm trying to do my best to be a good dad. It just gets a bit over whelming.

[erinlee01]

No were not seperated. I couldn't agree with you more on the whole boyfriend thing. She and her mom know where I stand on that mess. Like I said I'm the step dad and her mom has the final word on the situation. So it is what it is.

I really appreciate the input from everyone, thank you very much. It's all a learning experience for me and I'm trying to do my best to be a good dad. It just gets a bit over whelming.

I'd watch out about that approach. Sure, you could forbid her to do anything and keep all boys away. That more than likely will end in one of the following two scenarios - she will start sneaking around to do what teenage girls do, or she will toe the line and listen when she lives with you, then go crazy when she goes to college or moves out. Neither one is a good option.

Best way for a child to learn is with parental guidance. You are far better off giving her privileges and keeping an open mind so that you will know what she is doing and can help guide her. Otherwise, you have no idea who she will be learning from.

[tryn2getstrong]

I'd watch out about that approach. Sure, you could forbid her to do anything and keep all boys away. That more than likely will end in one of the following two scenarios - she will start sneaking around to do what teenage girls do, or she will toe the line and listen when she lives with you, then go crazy when she goes to college or moves out. Neither one is a good option.

Best way for a child to learn is with parental guidance. You are far better off giving her privileges and keeping an open mind so that you will know what she is doing and can help guide her. Otherwise, you have no idea who she will be learning from.

My parents were strict with my older sister, then she went away to college and drank herself right back home.

[erinlee01]

My parents were strict with my older sister, then she went away to college and drank herself right back home.

Exactly. That happened to a lot of girls I went to college with.

[PLANETGETLOW]

This topic makes me want to drink

[bambifox]

I'd watch out about that approach. Sure, you could forbid her to do anything and keep all boys away. That more than likely will end in one of the following two scenarios - she will start sneaking around to do what teenage girls do, or she will toe the line and listen when she lives with you, then go crazy when she goes to college or moves out. Neither one is a good option.

Best way for a child to learn is with parental guidance. You are far better off giving her privileges and keeping an open mind so that you will know what she is doing and can help guide her. Otherwise, you have no idea who she will be learning from.

I understand your point...and my older sister and you could be BEST FRIENDS...I'm sure as you both seem to think alot alike in this regard. Between both of us (my sis and I)..we have two completely different parenting styles. She's more "open" with the freedom sh*t...and I'm more "do as I say...or I'll kick your ass" style and FREEDOM is EARNED not EXPECTED!

Here's my question...at some point...if the child gets to "have it her way" and "make her own decisions"...and basically "run her life as she pleases"...who's the parent? There has to be an alpha/omega here some place...no? The term "parent" is more than just a word...it implies "guardian" and "teacher" and "leader"...with that said...do you really feel that allowing a child to dictate their own destiny by using their "inexperienced decision making abilities" to decide what they can and cannot do? What about teaching a child responsibility and accountability? If a child is allowed freedom to date at 13, can she really be "accountable" or "responsible" for the results of her actions (ergo prego, aids, VD, emotional baggage)?

There must be a happy medium. Granted...I may be somewhat too "ironfist"...but I also believe my sis is too "70's child...free love and expressionish". Where's the medium?