DisorderED No More

[FattyBones]

Well hello there!

This is something I never thought I'd do but here I am and I'm only a little sweaty-palmed.
As the title suggests I'm here because I've had an evolving eating disorder for over a decade and it's just friggen time to stop.
Short version: childhood food insecurity/hunger led to teenage binge/comfort eating which led to obesity which led to disordered/restrictive thinking about foods. At this point I'd say I have a version of bulimia (I binge-fast instead of binge-purge).

I've been lifting heavy things for about 5 years in a non-linear (AKA half-assed) way and I know that making strength and endurance gains makes me feel good about myself in a way that is healthy. I also know that I have a healthier relationship with food when I am making gains in my lifts.

I'm about to embark on the rest of my life when I graduate in May and move halfway across the country, and this seems like the right time to stop the food shenanigans and get serious about lifting.

My 'gym' sucks- we don't have free barbells (the one 'rack' goes up and down but there is no other range of motion on it) and I can only work out 2 times a week because they are closed on weekends.
(Yes I know this is not an ideal situation- if someone wants to send me money for a real gym membership and a vehicle to get there please let me know! )

Body stats: 5'2", 115lbs, 34-25-35/skinnyfat
(dear god I took some pics and I'm both scrawny and pudgy!)

Lifts maxing at: 80x3 on bench, 110x3 on squat and static lunges, 35x5 on OHP, DLing 40 only because I'm still learning the form (5 years of lifting and just now getting on the DL train), assisted chin and pull-ups (50lbs of assist x5), hammer curling 20lb dumbbells x 10, leg pressing 150 x a lot (neck issues make me scared to up my squat weight), and then some machine and bodyweight work
I haven't been keeping track of reps, sets, and weights for my workouts but I work at lower weights (try to keep it around 5-7 reps) once I do my max sets- I'll be finding an actual program I think and keeping track of stuff so I can see progress.

Nutrition: I'm weak-gan (no animal foods except eggs and tuna) for health, environmental, and monetary reasons but I manage to get 100g of protein daily fairly easily. I've also been IFing for months and I really like how it works with my life and hunger style.
I'm having trouble with calorie counting because it feels restrictive and obsessive to me, but I bought a food scale and will be using cronometer to try and stay at TDEE (~1500) on sedentary rest days and eat the exercise-burned cals on workout days. (and a cheat meal on Sundays because curly fries)

I'm not sure I can ever do a purposeful bulk but I know I'm going to gain some weight. I'm guessing this will be more of a recomp type thing which I know is slow and not nearly as effective as bulk/cut but I think that cycle might lead to unhealthy habits for me.

Anyway I've been reading stickies for months and learning the forum and I hope you all don't mind me hanging around!

Here's to healthy choices!

[lchoward]

Welcome!! So excited for this change for you! I'm also a former ED!! I'll be following your progress!

As for the calorie-counting and macro-counting, I've found that I just can't do it. I am currently working Erin Stern's Elite Body program on bb.com, and it comes with a meal plan. I've use that for portioning. I weigh out my meals into Tupperware containers and eat almost exactly what she says to. I know I won't always do it this way, but it's helping me learn what an appropriate amount of food is, what foods to combine to get all my macros, etc. It's been really beneficial for me. Best of all, I do ZERO counting. I eat what she says eat, do the exercises she says do, and I don't think about it a minute more. Counting, for me, is a slippery slope, and I just can't do it.

Starting Strength is also a really good program that gets talked about a lot on here. Never done it myself. But I've done a few of the free bodybuilding.com programs and really like them.

Upfront, I'd go ahead and throw the measurements out the window, because our brains just can't deal with those. I'd take pictures once a month, look in the mirror, and check how your clothes fit to monitor your progress. I stay off the scale and away from calipers. It's not an exact science that way, of course, but it's what works for me.

Most importantly, I'd try to get hooked up with a counselor of some sort. You can likely find a free one near you. Check local churches (if you're religious). Or find one that specializes in ED and see if they're willing to cut you a break financially. It took a year and a half of counseling to really free me from my 10-year ED.

Get some thick skin. You won't be really well accepted on these forums because you do still openly have an ED. People on here are hesitant to address that. But as long as you're pushing away from that and toward being healthier, I think you'll be fine.

I'll be checking in. Excited for you!

Proud of you for getting this far!!

[FattyBones]

Thank you for the welcome and words of encouragement Ichoward!
You are very right on all counts and I'm highly anticipating being able to get some counseling once finances loosen up.

More and more it looks like I need to stop weighing and measuring myself in order to feel secure enough to eat and gain strength/weight. (did so much reading about recomp after posting and I just have to be willing to gain weight)

And heck, maybe this isn't the right place for me right now given how I compare myself to others, but I get a lot of strengthspiration from here so I'll stay while it works.

---------------------------------------------------

Busy school schedule= only 1 workout this week so I'm planning to blast it out tomorrow and see where I'm at with everything.


Went crazy on my special post-workout yummy protein foods the last two days trying to calorie count- I think I may also need to step away from that whole thing.
The nice thing is since I'm thinking about my workout tomorrow and how I want to be fueled, I don't feel like I need to 'make up' for it today.