Eating Disorder Support Thread: "Take Action" (part 3)

[AdamWW]

@mos

Learning process is all I can say. I'm actually kind of enjoying rediscovering my natural tendencies even if for now they're confusing.

[Grappa]

Another thought that just crossed my mind .. bear with me .. and i appreciate your feedback.. My brain might be just playing tricks with me ..

Is it possible to overcome my ED and track intake?

What I'm referring to by 'overcoming my ED' is .. enjoying meals with friends and family without the need for tracking them .. but on days that I don't go out for meals with family and friends, then tracking them would be ideal.

In other words .. days without tracking .. and days with tracking .. makes sense?

Cheers

MT

Tracking is only acceptable, if u DO NOT LIMIT yourself for a number. For example let's say your goal is 4k for a day, u have reached the goal, and if u are hungier you eat more.

[MosToorani]

Tracking is only acceptable, if u DO NOT LIMIT yourself for a number. For example let's say your goal is 4k for a day, u have reached the goal, and if u are hungier you eat more.

Cheers Grappa.

That would have been great if I didn't feel hungry all the time! The craving is messing up with my hunger signals.

As I mentioned before, I still can't distinguish between real, physical hunger and mental (cravings) hunger.

Cheers

MT

[deadliftbrah19]

Another thought that just crossed my mind .. bear with me .. and i appreciate your feedback.. My brain might be just playing tricks with me ..

Is it possible to overcome my ED and track intake?

What I'm referring to by 'overcoming my ED' is .. enjoying meals with friends and family without the need for tracking them .. but on days that I don't go out for meals with family and friends, then tracking them would be ideal.

In other words .. days without tracking .. and days with tracking .. makes sense?

Cheers

MT

You typically track with an ED Nutritionist in the beginning until your hunger/fullness cues return, then the nutritionist works with you on intuitive eating without tracking.


On a separate note, what I struggle with is even though I am a 45 year old female, men are so judgmental in terms of dating. I had a guy even older than me recently say that he saw my older ******** photos where I was thin (and deep in the ED), and complained.

I have to drop men like that from my life, but it's really, really hard to even want to put myself out there to get that type of rejection. Yet another issue I've dealt with in recovery and worked on with my therapist. I am also the problem because I am attracted to good looking men, usually much younger men, so I have to find other ways of attraction.

What's interesting is I've found that younger men in their 20s are more open to me being heavier and say they find the curves more attractive, it's the men over 40 who I find more judgmental and making negative comments. Then I don't even want to reveal my ED to them and say their comments are not healthy for me in recovery......so I just distance myself and retreat in a cave so to speak.

[AdamWW]

You typically track with an ED Nutritionist in the beginning until your hunger/fullness cues return, then the nutritionist works with you on intuitive eating without tracking.


On a separate note, what I struggle with is even though I am a 45 year old female, men are so judgmental in terms of dating. I had a guy even older than me recently say that he saw my older ******** photos where I was thin (and deep in the ED), and complained.

I have to drop men like that from my life, but it's really, really hard to even want to put myself out there to get that type of rejection. Yet another issue I've dealt with in recovery and worked on with my therapist. I am also the problem because I am attracted to good looking men, usually much younger men, so I have to find other ways of attraction.

What's interesting is I've found that younger men in their 20s are more open to me being heavier and say they find the curves more attractive, it's the men over 40 who I find more judgmental and making negative comments. Then I don't even want to reveal my ED to them and say their comments are not healthy for me in recovery......so I just distance myself and retreat in a cave so to speak.

That's not a man, that's an idiot.

[MosToorani]

That's not a man, that's an idiot.

I agree with Adam..

He's a moron. A shallow moron that doesn't deserve to date you!

Cheers

MT

[fretslayer]

That's not a man, that's an idiot.

x2

Anyone worthy of your time wouldn't make such a remark, or point it out. Cliche I know, but seriously sounds like a jerk.

[deadliftbrah19]

Thank you everyone. Yes, it was very hurtful, yet I was proud of myself to tell him back that to say that as he's nearing his 50 year birthday, to be that shallow and to put someone down who has worked hard to overcome an illness which made me so sick that my 92 year old grandma had to drive me to the hospital.

Especially I told him we are both lucky to be alive in 10 years, and not to judge each other by our physical appearances so much!

[Grappa]

You typically track with an ED Nutritionist in the beginning until your hunger/fullness cues return, then the nutritionist works with you on intuitive eating without tracking.


On a separate note, what I struggle with is even though I am a 45 year old female, men are so judgmental in terms of dating. I had a guy even older than me recently say that he saw my older ******** photos where I was thin (and deep in the ED), and complained.

I have to drop men like that from my life, but it's really, really hard to even want to put myself out there to get that type of rejection. Yet another issue I've dealt with in recovery and worked on with my therapist. I am also the problem because I am attracted to good looking men, usually much younger men, so I have to find other ways of attraction.

What's interesting is I've found that younger men in their 20s are more open to me being heavier and say they find the curves more attractive, it's the men over 40 who I find more judgmental and making negative comments. Then I don't even want to reveal my ED to them and say their comments are not healthy for me in recovery......so I just distance myself and retreat in a cave so to speak.

So here is my take on it. The situation is different if u want to have an one night stand vs a relationship. Speaking from personal experience, if i only want to **** with someone, i do not care about their personality, i do not care how kind she is. I judge uppon how she looks. It is not good i know, but i do not care. On the other hand, if i seek a relationship that is when i start to care less about apperance. For example, my first gf was an avg girl, she was pretty, but nothing insane, yet the amount of love i have received from her is out of this world. After that relationship the next girl, who played a key role for my ED looked like a painting, she looked INCREADIBLE, yet she was an abusive lying attention whore.. Apperance is not everything, you can look the way you look, but you can be a terrible person inside.

[fretslayer]

So here is my take on it. The situation is different if u want to have an one night stand vs a relationship. Speaking from personal experience, if i only want to **** with someone, i do not care about their personality, i do not care how kind she is. I judge uppon how she looks. It is not good i know, but i do not care. On the other hand, if i seek a relationship that is when i start to care less about apperance. For example, my first gf was an avg girl, she was pretty, but nothing insane, yet the amount of love i have received from her is out of this world. After that relationship the next girl, who played a key role for my ED looked like a painting, she looked INCREADIBLE, yet she was an abusive lying attention whore.. Apperance is not everything, you can look the way you look, but you can be a terrible person inside.

I can only speak from my own experiences, and I certainly will attempt to not stereotype here. But, I have found the better looking "Hottie" types with the banging bodies etc, are usually the most insecure, drama filled, game playing, damaged and un-trustworthy partners you can find. Obviously there are exceptions. The couple of women who were great partners and total relationship material may not have been models looks wise, but they had great personalities, didn't play games, were stable, reliable and totally trust worthy.

I for years and years seemed to attract more often than not, the first type. I'd always wonder why the hell I seemed to wind up with these people who had so much baggage and usually treated me crappy, when I was always there being the nice guy with my heart on my sleeve. It's come to my attention since I've been dealing with my body image issues that I attracted what I essentially was. Pretty on the outside, but damaged and majorly insecure inside. I had been totally oblivious to it until digging into things in therapy more recently. Suddenly it made sense. There were even several that had eating disorders, go figure.

I'm really hoping as I shift my focus and energy from doing everything in my power to have the "perfect" body (because in my mind that made me good enough, and attractive) to other aspects of myself, that I can attract someone of a better caliber. Hopefully that makes sense and doesn't come off wrong. I don't really want someone who is going to be too hung up on the physical end. Do I want them to like it? Of course, but it can't be a deal breaker. I used to let that get in the way of some great people in the past, live and learn.

[AdamWW]

I can only speak from my own experiences, and I certainly will attempt to not stereotype here. But, I have found the better looking "Hottie" types with the banging bodies etc, are usually the most insecure, drama filled, game playing, damaged and un-trustworthy partners you can find. Obviously there are exceptions. The couple of women who were great partners and total relationship material may not have been models looks wise, but they had great personalities, didn't play games, were stable, reliable and totally trust worthy.

I for years and years seemed to attract more often than not, the first type. I'd always wonder why the hell I seemed to wind up with these people who had so much baggage and usually treated me crappy, when I was always there being the nice guy with my heart on my sleeve. It's come to my attention since I've been dealing with my body image issues that I attracted what I essentially was. Pretty on the outside, but damaged and majorly insecure inside. I had been totally oblivious to it until digging into things in therapy more recently. Suddenly it made sense. There were even several that had eating disorders, go figure.

I'm really hoping as I shift my focus and energy from doing everything in my power to have the "perfect" body (because in my mind that made me good enough, and attractive) to other aspects of myself, that I can attract someone of a better caliber. Hopefully that makes sense and doesn't come off wrong. I don't really want someone who is going to be too hung up on the physical end. Do I want them to like it? Of course, but it can't be a deal breaker. I used to let that get in the way of some great people in the past, live and learn.

You know... it's funny... I realize this isn't right in like with what you're saying, but now that I think about it, I got way more positive attention from women before my ED... people seemed more open to me, all that. Funny how it changes you.

[fretslayer]

You know... it's funny... I realize this isn't right in like with what you're saying, but now that I think about it, I got way more positive attention from women before my ED... people seemed more open to me, all that. Funny how it changes you.

Dude, it's a real thing. No doubt about it. I can't even say what it is specifically (I'm sure it varies from person to person) but I think when you're that consumed with your image and ED behaviors/lifestyle that you give off a totally different kind of energy. Not to get all "trippy" on ya, but I have noticed a difference even just recently as I work on making a change. I'm thinking as you make the shift, your vibe/energy changes and is probably more inviting in some way.

Hope that makes sense.

[finnyskat]

Dude, it's a real thing. No doubt about it. I can't even say what it is specifically (I'm sure it varies from person to person) but I think when you're that consumed with your image and ED behaviors/lifestyle that you give off a totally different kind of energy. Not to get all "trippy" on ya, but I have noticed a difference even just recently as I work on making a change. I'm thinking as you make the shift, your vibe/energy changes and is probably more inviting in some way.

Hope that makes sense.

im not even that sick anymore/never got that sick i guess and like... i'm just a shell compared to who i used to be. there was a time i had interests and was interesting, and now i'm just lean.
what sucks is that even though i know it'd be better to be an actual human being, i really just... want to be lean.

i know you guys aren't a treatment team, but i think i need some support in how to let that go. my hormones are getting worse the longer i remain underweight, i think (not sure how that works) but i'm super scared of making **** worse and i. . . would appreciate some support. just a bit.

but anyway:

disordered eating changes ya. sure gets ya.

[fretslayer]

im not even that sick anymore/never got that sick i guess and like... i'm just a shell compared to who i used to be. there was a time i had interests and was interesting, and now i'm just lean.
what sucks is that even though i know it'd be better to be an actual human being, i really just... want to be lean.

i know you guys aren't a treatment team, but i think i need some support in how to let that go. my hormones are getting worse the longer i remain underweight, i think (not sure how that works) but i'm super scared of making **** worse and i. . . would appreciate some support. just a bit.

but anyway:

disordered eating changes ya. sure gets ya.

I can understand the need/want to be lean. I fully get it. I was trapped in it for the last 20 years. Sure, I had the six pack and jawline. Great. It ruled my life, literally every decision I made was motivated by how it may effect my bodyfat level.

It will continue to be a miserable existence, and cause harm. Your hormones are out of whack because you are not giving your system what it needs to function and perform properly. It doesn't want to be that lean, it's not a healthy place for your body to stay.

Get help, living to be lean is not living.

[finnyskat]

I can understand the need/want to be lean. I fully get it. I was trapped in it for the last 20 years. Sure, I had the six pack and jawline. Great. It ruled my life, literally every decision I made was motivated by how it may effect my bodyfat level.

It will continue to be a miserable existence, and cause harm. Your hormones are out of whack because you are not giving your system what it needs to function and perform properly. It doesn't want to be that lean, it's not a healthy place for your body to stay.

Get help, living to be lean is not living.

thanks, man.
there aren't any ed specialists in my area and i'm broke, but i'm working on figuring out a person or place i can talk to. i chatted with neda yesterday.
i know our hormonal struggles are a little different, you being a grown-ass man and me being a 19 year old biological female (yikes), but ... if you had hormone troubles, did they fix with time and nutrition? i'm feeding myself. i really am eating.

[deadliftbrah19]

So here is my take on it. The situation is different if u want to have an one night stand vs a relationship. Speaking from personal experience, if i only want to **** with someone, i do not care about their personality, i do not care how kind she is. I judge uppon how she looks. It is not good i know, but i do not care. On the other hand, if i seek a relationship that is when i start to care less about apperance. For example, my first gf was an avg girl, she was pretty, but nothing insane, yet the amount of love i have received from her is out of this world. After that relationship the next girl, who played a key role for my ED looked like a painting, she looked INCREADIBLE, yet she was an abusive lying attention whore.. Apperance is not everything, you can look the way you look, but you can be a terrible person inside.

I agree, yet I would think a guy closer to my age like a 48 year old would be more open to a relationship than a 25 year old, and thus more positive about body image. But I've experienced the opposite, as those men were the ones who made the most critical comments about how I appear now.

A lot of it is the power of how you are thinking. If I'm thinking of lifting, eating next to nothing to get lean, then I attracted similar men who think that way. What we don't realize is even if we end up with some stage-lean body, that doesn't guarantee love and happiness in a relationship.

When I was deep in anorexia in my late 20s I got a lot of attention from pro athletes and photographers, but then I was so sick I couldn't work nor drive so my 92 year old grandma drove me to the day ED hospital. How sad is that?

And where were those photographers, good looking men, pro athletes when I was in the hospital? Oh they disappeared alright.

[fretslayer]

thanks, man.
there aren't any ed specialists in my area and i'm broke, but i'm working on figuring out a person or place i can talk to. i chatted with neda yesterday.
i know our hormonal struggles are a little different, you being a grown-ass man and me being a 19 year old biological female (yikes), but ... if you had hormone troubles, did they fix with time and nutrition? i'm feeding myself. i really am eating.

There are differences of course, but the bottom line is the same. I'm no expert, I'm struggling just like everyone else here. I googled ED groups/meetups in my area and found one, along with sliding scale one on one therapy. They have been huge in helping me dig into what is really the roots of my issues. I'd say search around online for any kind of ED or Group therapy etc in your area. That being said, you have to really truly want to make a change. Just ask yourself, is your current lifestyle making you truly happy? Or are you staying stuck in it out of fear?

I agree, yet I would think a guy closer to my age like a 48 year old would be more open to a relationship than a 25 year old, and thus more positive about body image. But I've experienced the opposite, as those men were the ones who made the most critical comments about how I appear now.

A lot of it is the power of how you are thinking. If I'm thinking of lifting, eating next to nothing to get lean, then I attracted similar men who think that way. What we don't realize is even if we end up with some stage-lean body, that doesn't guarantee love and happiness in a relationship.

When I was deep in anorexia in my late 20s I got a lot of attention from pro athletes and photographers, but then I was so sick I couldn't work nor drive so my 92 year old grandma drove me to the day ED hospital. How sad is that?

And where were those photographers, good looking men, pro athletes when I was in the hospital? Oh they disappeared alright.

Interesting to get a female perspective on the dating game, especially that of our age group (I'm about to hit 41) I would think you would find guys far more mature and less shallow at this stage. And yeah, anyone who is going to be there for you when you're rocking the "lean" body and attracted to you because of it is probably not in it for the right reasons. Sad but true. Which just drives home how shallow and silly the entire pursuit of that ideal body really is when it gets extreme.

Not knocking everyone who has the discipline to live the lifestyle. If you are able to do it and keep it a healthy activity, more power to ya.

[finnyskat]

There are differences of course, but the bottom line is the same. I'm no expert, I'm struggling just like everyone else here. I googled ED groups/meetups in my area and found one, along with sliding scale one on one therapy. They have been huge in helping me dig into what is really the roots of my issues. I'd say search around online for any kind of ED or Group therapy etc in your area. That being said, you have to really truly want to make a change. Just ask yourself, is your current lifestyle making you truly happy? Or are you staying stuck in it out of fear?

.

oh, ****.
no. my current lifestyle isn't making me happy. i started lifting so that i could cope with weight gain, but i can't bring myself to up my calories in order to gain. i have a ****ty online pt that i paid a ton of money for and i don't know what's gonna happen when i run out of money. i want to be more active--i take inspiration from people like erik, who seem to be healthier and more confident than ever, and who can eat sooooo much. i actually love eating, which is why i'm afraid to stop working out.

i'm not even that lean. i'm just underweight, but not enough to be classified as having, say, anorexia anymore.

a lot of people say not to exercise in recovery, and to gain to a healthy weight first. a lot of other people seem to have used it to recover in general. i don't really know what the right thing to do is. i'll get on that sliding scale.

[AdamWW]

Dude, it's a real thing. No doubt about it. I can't even say what it is specifically (I'm sure it varies from person to person) but I think when you're that consumed with your image and ED behaviors/lifestyle that you give off a totally different kind of energy. Not to get all "trippy" on ya, but I have noticed a difference even just recently as I work on making a change. I'm thinking as you make the shift, your vibe/energy changes and is probably more inviting in some way.

Hope that makes sense.

Agreed 100%. In my opinion (or maybe just in my situation), the more distraction I have making me think about my body and not about my life or other people, the less open and interesting I become. It's a form of self-absorption really, and it isn't attractive.

i know you guys aren't a treatment team, but i think i need some support in how to let that go. my hormones are getting worse the longer i remain underweight, i think (not sure how that works) but i'm super scared of making **** worse and i. . . would appreciate some support. just a bit.

but anyway:

disordered eating changes ya. sure gets ya.

For reference, look at my profile photo. That's my torso right now. Does it look 'impressive'? Maybe to some... but does it feel good? No.. it doesn't.

Getting to this level of leanness has required so much unneeded pain. This isn't a method I think will work for everyone, but I have actually found - contrary to how I thought it would effect me - keeping SOME photos of me at 'rock bottom' serves as a reminder that I have nothing to prove anymore. I can either stay in this unhealthy form and allow my body to rot, or I can change my focus to how I feel.

I have nothing else to prove in terms of showing I can get lean.

I can understand the need/want to be lean. I fully get it. I was trapped in it for the last 20 years. Sure, I had the six pack and jawline. Great. It ruled my life, literally every decision I made was motivated by how it may effect my bodyfat level.

It will continue to be a miserable existence, and cause harm. Your hormones are out of whack because you are not giving your system what it needs to function and perform properly. It doesn't want to be that lean, it's not a healthy place for your body to stay.

Get help, living to be lean is not living.

x1000 on this.

I got caught in a trap of continuously chiseling away at new 'lows' until I hit them. I am a very goal driven person.

A low weigh-in or a morning wherein my stomach was even marginally leaner felt like a victory.

Having this level of control is an addiction, it truly is, for many people - myself included.

thanks, man.
there aren't any ed specialists in my area and i'm broke, but i'm working on figuring out a person or place i can talk to. i chatted with neda yesterday.
i know our hormonal struggles are a little different, you being a grown-ass man and me being a 19 year old biological female (yikes), but ... if you had hormone troubles, did they fix with time and nutrition? i'm feeding myself. i really am eating.

Hormones repair once your body has the calorie, nutrition, and fat storage to prioritize their production again. The amount required depends on the degree of underlying damage, and the only way to know how much you need to recovery is to DO IT and find out.

A lot of it is the power of how you are thinking. If I'm thinking of lifting, eating next to nothing to get lean, then I attracted similar men who think that way. What we don't realize is even if we end up with some stage-lean body, that doesn't guarantee love and happiness in a relationship.

When I was deep in anorexia in my late 20s I got a lot of attention from pro athletes and photographers, but then I was so sick I couldn't work nor drive so my 92 year old grandma drove me to the day ED hospital. How sad is that?
.

Just want to agree with you here.

When you're deep in the ED mindset, you can sometimes be almost repulsed by those who are not as fit or lean, or eating the same as you.

In my case, and I hate to sound like a horrible person (it's the ED, I swear), I got to a point where seeing anyone eating something other than vegetables or fruit or something healthy if they were overweight or obese made me feel nauseous....

I attributed healthy eating and body image to self-control, so if I saw an obese person eating a piece of cake or a donut or a burger, my ED brain would mutter "geeze, no wonder they're huge... that'll never be me... my choices are better... i'm so much more in control".

embarrassing, but true.

As I move further from the obsession, I have stopped feeling this way.

oh, ****.
no. my current lifestyle isn't making me happy. i started lifting so that i could cope with weight gain, but i can't bring myself to up my calories in order to gain. i have a ****ty online pt that i paid a ton of money for and i don't know what's gonna happen when i run out of money. i want to be more active--i take inspiration from people like erik, who seem to be healthier and more confident than ever, and who can eat sooooo much. i actually love eating, which is why i'm afraid to stop working out.

i'm not even that lean. i'm just underweight, but not enough to be classified as having, say, anorexia anymore.

a lot of people say not to exercise in recovery, and to gain to a healthy weight first. a lot of other people seem to have used it to recover in general. i don't really know what the right thing to do is. i'll get on that sliding scale.

Ignore classifications, numbers, BMI, all of that.

You do not need to follow diagnostic criteria to the letter in order to have an ED... absolutely not.

The important piece is it's effect on YOU... if you're using food control or your diet in general as a coping mechanism, you are dealing with an ED.. and you seem to be, clearly, in that group.

[Grappa]

oh, ****.
no. my current lifestyle isn't making me happy. i started lifting so that i could cope with weight gain, but i can't bring myself to up my calories in order to gain. i have a ****ty online pt that i paid a ton of money for and i don't know what's gonna happen when i run out of money. i want to be more active--i take inspiration from people like erik, who seem to be healthier and more confident than ever, and who can eat sooooo much. i actually love eating, which is why i'm afraid to stop working out.

i'm not even that lean. i'm just underweight, but not enough to be classified as having, say, anorexia anymore.

a lot of people say not to exercise in recovery, and to gain to a healthy weight first. a lot of other people seem to have used it to recover in general. i don't really know what the right thing to do is. i'll get on that sliding scale.

Anorexia has nothing to do with your BMI. Anorexia is a MENTAL illness, not physical. You can be obese with anorexia. It goes waaay beyond that u do not want to gain fat, or you think you ll going to be obese etc etc. For example: I have been diganosed with restrictive anorexia. It is a coping mechanism for me to manage stress. "i take inspiration from people like erik, who seem to be healthier and more confident than ever, and who can eat sooooo much" I admit that, Erik putting up stuff which is VERY VERY helpful for someone who has an ed to understand what the heck is going on with him/her. But i do not get it why it is inspirational if someone eat a lot? You can eat a lot too. No1 is forcing you to eal like a bird day to day.

[AdamWW]

Anorexia has nothing to do with your BMI. Anorexia is a MENTAL illness, not physical. You can be obese with anorexia. It goes waaay beyond that u do not want to gain fat, or you think you ll going to be obese etc etc. For example: I have been diganosed with restrictive anorexia. It is a coping mechanism for me to manage stress. "i take inspiration from people like erik, who seem to be healthier and more confident than ever, and who can eat sooooo much" I admit that, Erik putting up stuff which is VERY VERY helpful for someone who has an ed to understand what the heck is going on with him/her. But i do not get it why it is inspirational if someone eat a lot? You can eat a lot too. No1 is forcing you to eal like a bird day to day.

Yeah this is what I was going to say...

Eating any particular amount isn't 'inspirational'... the only thing inspirational is that he is able to eat what he feels like without guilt or an urge to compensate... the amount doesn't matter.

If you think it's 'inspiring' it's likely because you're restricted... it's like watching the Food Network when you're hungry... it looks awesome until you don't feel like eating.

[finnyskat]

Yeah this is what I was going to say...

Eating any particular amount isn't 'inspirational'... the only thing inspirational is that he is able to eat what he feels like without guilt or an urge to compensate... the amount doesn't matter.

If you think it's 'inspiring' it's likely because you're restricted... it's like watching the Food Network when you're hungry... it looks awesome until you don't feel like eating.

huh.
you're. . . probably right.
it's the guilt thing. the fact that he (and others) can eat waffles or fruit or any other carb i'm afraid of and not worry about it, while i'm over here terrified of ****ing berries because they have sugar in them.

i don't know what to do.

[AdamWW]

huh.
you're. . . probably right.
it's the guilt thing. the fact that he (and others) can eat waffles or fruit or any other carb i'm afraid of and not worry about it, while i'm over here terrified of ****ing berries because they have sugar in them.

i don't know what to do.

Admitting and coming to terms with the fact that you have an issue is the first and often hardest part.

WHen you're ready, you start to take action: that's called Recovery.

[finnyskat]

Admitting and coming to terms with the fact that you have an issue is the first and often hardest part.

WHen you're ready, you start to take action: that's called Recovery.

i'm thinking that in a few weeks, after my thing with the personal trainer is up, i'm going to try what you're doing. focus on listening to my body and on taking care of it. maybe do yoga, and lift if i feel like it.

i've never been an active person. i think, for right now, i have to choose between being active and recovering, but there's so much guilt. i miss who i was before all of this.

[fretslayer]

Agreed 100%. In my opinion (or maybe just in my situation), the more distraction I have making me think about my body and not about my life or other people, the less open and interesting I become. It's a form of self-absorption really, and it isn't attractive.





For reference, look at my profile photo. That's my torso right now. Does it look 'impressive'? Maybe to some... but does it feel good? No.. it doesn't.

Getting to this level of leanness has required so much unneeded pain. This isn't a method I think will work for everyone, but I have actually found - contrary to how I thought it would effect me - keeping SOME photos of me at 'rock bottom' serves as a reminder that I have nothing to prove anymore. I can either stay in this unhealthy form and allow my body to rot, or I can change my focus to how I feel.

I have nothing else to prove in terms of showing I can get lean.



x1000 on this.

I got caught in a trap of continuously chiseling away at new 'lows' until I hit them. I am a very goal driven person.

A low weigh-in or a morning wherein my stomach was even marginally leaner felt like a victory.

Having this level of control is an addiction, it truly is, for many people - myself included.




Hormones repair once your body has the calorie, nutrition, and fat storage to prioritize their production again. The amount required depends on the degree of underlying damage, and the only way to know how much you need to recovery is to DO IT and find out.



Just want to agree with you here.

When you're deep in the ED mindset, you can sometimes be almost repulsed by those who are not as fit or lean, or eating the same as you.

In my case, and I hate to sound like a horrible person (it's the ED, I swear), I got to a point where seeing anyone eating something other than vegetables or fruit or something healthy if they were overweight or obese made me feel nauseous....

I attributed healthy eating and body image to self-control, so if I saw an obese person eating a piece of cake or a donut or a burger, my ED brain would mutter "geeze, no wonder they're huge... that'll never be me... my choices are better... i'm so much more in control".

embarrassing, but true.

As I move further from the obsession, I have stopped feeling this way.






Ignore classifications, numbers, BMI, all of that.

You do not need to follow diagnostic criteria to the letter in order to have an ED... absolutely not.

The important piece is it's effect on YOU... if you're using food control or your diet in general as a coping mechanism, you are dealing with an ED.. and you seem to be, clearly, in that group.

The irony is that we (maybe not all of us) do it to make ourselves more attractive. Go figure.

I'm in the same place man, I may not have outwardly projected this to anyone but inside i felt and thought the same. I always put myself above anyone who "couldn't hack it" or suck it up and suffer enough to get the results. In way, making me feel like I was better...I'm a bit embarrassed at my former stance on this as well. In fact, I look back at myself and how uptight I must have came across all these years and feel pretty silly about it.

People would often say "Man, I wish I could be as healthy as you" I'd always kind of shake my head and think to myself, "This has NOTHING to do with health" It was based off of vanity.

huh.
you're. . . probably right.
it's the guilt thing. the fact that he (and others) can eat waffles or fruit or any other carb i'm afraid of and not worry about it, while i'm over here terrified of ****ing berries because they have sugar in them.

i don't know what to do.

I up until just recently, would envy youtube cheat meal clips and fantasize about food just like you. As I've stopped restricting, and added body fat my feelings towards food and cravings have gone down dramatically. It's been gradual, but it has changed in a big way. I don't crave sugar like I did, nor do I feel the extreme urge to eat huge amounts of food. I think the combo of healthy body weight, not restricting, and less cardio has been key in sort of normalizing things. We crave these big amounts of junk etc because we deny ourselves, and deprive our bodies of what it needs to function normally. Being that off balance creates extreme cravings. It's your body basically yelling at you to quit starving it. My 2 cents so far at least.

[AdamWW]

I up until just recently, would envy youtube cheat meal clips and fantasize about food just like you. As I've stopped restricting, and added body fat my feelings towards food and cravings have gone down dramatically. It's been gradual, but it has changed in a big way. I don't crave sugar like I did, nor do I feel the extreme urge to eat huge amounts of food. I think the combo of healthy body weight, not restricting, and less cardio has been key in sort of normalizing things. We crave these big amounts of junk etc because we deny ourselves, and deprive our bodies of what it needs to function normally. Being that off balance creates extreme cravings. It's your body basically yelling at you to quit starving it. My 2 cents so far at least.

Ah, yes... the ubiquitous 'Calorie Challenges', 'Cheat Day', 'What I eat in a day', and 'Day of Bulking' videos on youtube.

I too fell victim to their appeal once I got down to a certain weight and, like you and I have said very recently in this thread, the appeal is due to restriction. You want what you can't have or in this case deprive yourself of.

I think I mentioned this already but it's very much like watching the food network or going grocery shopping when you're starving vs when you're content/energy balanced.

If you're deprived, they are appealing...

Now, that is NOT to say that in order to enjoy watching them you must have an ED or you must be underfed, but if you're sitting their envying their ability to 'cheat' without guilt, to consume whatever they want, etc, it can definitely be a cardinal symptom of restriction...

As you said, now that I am following my hunger and putting on weight, it simply isn't appealing like it was.


ALSO.. to the subject of COMPARISONS in diets.... it happens to many of us... myself included in a BIG way.

In fact, there is significant overlap in the appeal of those challenges/days of eating videos on the comparisons: you start to compare your own intake with folks on YouTube/social media/forums and question your own hunger.

For example, if I saw that someone heavier or more muscular than me was only eating 2600 calories to bulk up, but I found myself starving after eating 2600 calories while they were seemingly fine, I would ignore my hunger because "hey, if someone so much bigger and stronger doesn't need it", SURELY I don't...

But it doesn't work that way... not at all... there are NO comparisons... you gotta do you, and respect your body.

[fretslayer]

Ah, yes... the ubiquitous 'Calorie Challenges', 'Cheat Day', 'What I eat in a day', and 'Day of Bulking' videos on youtube.

I too fell victim to their appeal once I got down to a certain weight and, like you and I have said very recently in this thread, the appeal is due to restriction. You want what you can't have or in this case deprive yourself of.

I think I mentioned this already but it's very much like watching the food network or going grocery shopping when you're starving vs when you're content/energy balanced.

If you're deprived, they are appealing...

Now, that is NOT to say that in order to enjoy watching them you must have an ED or you must be underfed, but if you're sitting their envying their ability to 'cheat' without guilt, to consume whatever they want, etc, it can definitely be a cardinal symptom of restriction...

As you said, now that I am following my hunger and putting on weight, it simply isn't appealing like it was.

Amen brother, it feels pretty good to not be living in that constant craving state. If there was a box of donuts, pizza, cookies etc I would be staring at it and fighting every fiber of my being to not devour the entire thing. It was never enough. Take away the "off limits" restricting rules and box we put ourselves in and it loses so much power after a while. I now see someone eat a piece or 2 etc and it makes sense.

[AdamWW]

Amen brother, it feels pretty good to not be living in that constant craving state. If there was a box of donuts, pizza, cookies etc I would be staring at it and fighting every fiber of my being to not devour the entire thing. It was never enough. Take away the "off limits" restricting rules and box we put ourselves in and it loses so much power after a while. I now see someone eat a piece or 2 etc and it makes sense.

I'm still nowhere near 'fixed' in this regard, but I am progressing.

My issues are definitely multi-factor, probably because of my low bodyweight and my long-term (albeit gradual) weight loss and restriction. It's kind of interesting in a way because this time around I lost weight slowly, almost like a slow and steady down diet for a show wherein I lost 1-1.5lb a month on average over the course of about 2 years...

Because of this, my symptoms also developed gradually and in a way were harder to catch as they sprouted up.

Now, I am dealing with a physical and mental urge... so although my mental state has gotten to a point where I can see the thoughts and obsessions are lessening, my body still pushes me to eat copious amounts and calorie-dense foods in order to repair the damage sustained. It will get better, but for now, still there.

All part of the process, but for now it waxes and wanes, somedays i have common hunger levels but still need eat large amounts because physically i know I have to gain weight, and other days stopping the consumption is almost impossible until i consume... like I said... copious amounts.

But honestly... I am becoming more and more OK with it... less fear... less devotion to my conscious thought....

Eventually it will go away, i believe.

THANKFULLY, because of the extreme hunger, I actually enjoy everything I am doing at least from a taste point of view... so... it can actually be sort of fun... that is until the mental hunger kicks in and I have to ignore otherwise unpleasant physical discomfort because I also have to condition my brain to adjust to develop normal cues.

[finnyskat]

I'm still nowhere near 'fixed' in this regard, but I am progressing.

My issues are definitely multi-factor, probably because of my low bodyweight and my long-term (albeit gradual) weight loss and restriction. It's kind of interesting in a way because this time around I lost weight slowly, almost like a slow and steady down diet for a show wherein I lost 1-1.5lb a month on average over the course of about 2 years...

Because of this, my symptoms also developed gradually and in a way were harder to catch as they sprouted up.

Now, I am dealing with a physical and mental urge... so although my mental state has gotten to a point where I can see the thoughts and obsessions are lessening, my body still pushes me to eat copious amounts and calorie-dense foods in order to repair the damage sustained. It will get better, but for now, still there.

All part of the process, but for now it waxes and wanes, somedays i have common hunger levels but still need eat large amounts because physically i know I have to gain weight, and other days stopping the consumption is almost impossible until i consume... like I said... copious amounts.

But honestly... I am becoming more and more OK with it... less fear... less devotion to my conscious thought....

Eventually it will go away, i believe.

THANKFULLY, because of the extreme hunger, I actually enjoy everything I am doing at least from a taste point of view... so... it can actually be sort of fun... that is until the mental hunger kicks in and I have to ignore otherwise unpleasant physical discomfort because I also have to condition my brain to adjust to develop normal cues.

i am so afraid of extreme hunger. i'm not sure what i'm going to do when/if that ever hits me.
hey, just out of curiosity, i know you're vegan--have you been letting yourself eat non-vegan foods in recovery? i'm literally just curious, as a lot of people with eds either seem to go vegan in recovery or drop veganism for a while in recovery.

anyway back to the important stuff: you said youve been to therapy for other things. unfortunately, i haven't, but i would really appreciate some . . . or any kind of resource you could give me on how to cope with this better until i can find some actual therapy? just like, cbt sheets or. . . any general advice.

[MosToorani]

@Fretslayer & @Adam

I'm sure i've mentioned this before and you've probably answered it but i'm still curious..

I still have cravings for sweets .. sugary stuff .. it is the only thing that i crave .. nothing savory or salty.. You mentioned that it is due to restriction and i definitely agree with you as i look back to what i restricted during my weight loss journey ..

i'm curious about when it will "go away"... i'm 176 cm and 70 kg .. which i believe is a normal weight to height figure/ratio .. do you think that it will eventually go away when my body decides when i reach a weight / body fat amount that it believes it is normal?

hope that made sense.

Cheers!

MT