Eating Disorder Support Group

[ZDub212]

kinda counting, but not being a nazi about it. its more like i know roughly what the calorie content of what im eating is. gotta kind of keep track, i don't want to put on too much fat. its nice ot know that i can eat like a champ and still fit comfortably into all of my clothes

Good for you. I wish you nothing but the best in your pursuits.

Just make sure you continue to try to work on the mental aspects. Switching from an eating disorder to bodybuilding or what have you is changing one addiction with another.

[anonymous]

Good for you. I wish you nothing but the best in your pursuits.

Just make sure you continue to try to work on the mental aspects. Switching from an eating disorder to bodybuilding or what have you is changing one addiction with another.

appreciate the kind words. have been working out for like 12 years and it was always about staying in shape...and still is...not trying to be a bodybuilder, just trying to maintain a healthy bodyweight and enjoy the benefits of multiple micronutrients...and be skinny, but healthy.

was a fat kid and the ED (was never too severe) sparked from that. i got skinny in a sort of unhealthy way, but i like being skinny and i wanna stay that way. couple more pounds of muscle are probably in order but im always gonna be monitoring to some extent

[ZDub212]

appreciate the kind words. have been working out for like 12 years and it was always about staying in shape...and still is...not trying to be a bodybuilder, just trying to maintain a healthy bodyweight and enjoy the benefits of multiple micronutrients...and be skinny, but healthy.

was a fat kid and the ED (was never too severe) sparked from that. i got skinny in a sort of unhealthy way, but i like being skinny and i wanna stay that way. couple more pounds of muscle are probably in order but im always gonna be monitoring to some extent

No doubt about it. Hold onto your sanity. Do what makes you feel good, continue to work on your emotions, try to eat what you want when you want it, don't kill yourself if you slip...we all slip...and check in every once in a while. Remember that one meal, one week of meals, one year of meals...it won't kill you, and ultimately won't define who you are. You're so much more than a calorie count. Good luck. Feel good.

[anonymous]

No doubt about it. Hold onto your sanity. Do what makes you feel good, continue to work on your emotions, try to eat what you want when you want it, don't kill yourself if you slip...we all slip...and check in every once in a while. Remember that one meal, one week of meals, one year of meals...it won't kill you, and ultimately won't define who you are. You're so much more than a calorie count. Good luck. Feel good.

trust me, i'm on that tip and totally subscribe to everything you're saying. its hard not to think about, even though i know its not a big deal....sh-t gets easier every day.

when i was being overly restrictive, i used to binge hardcore...no longer feel the need to do that. big meals come, deserts come, but thats cool...not something to feel guilty about...life is peppered with parties, birthdays, weddings and whatnot and if you want a bite of cake, go for it...its not like you're eating cake everyday.

life could suck, it doesn't. if worry about my weight is the biggest problem i have...i'm a lucky man

[Environ]

Hey I think I might have an eating problem but im not too sure. Let me explain....

A few weeks ago one of the personal trainers in my gym was talking about nutrition to me and stuff, he brought up the subject about these once a week "cheat meals" and I have heard about them in the past but I hadnt cheated in over 2 YEARS on my diet (always stuck to clean foods) but I thought to myself eh this guy knows what he is talking about. So I've started to incorporate a once a week cheat meal. But I always, and I mean ALWAYS eat soo much in one sitting I actually throw up. It's happend three times now. It's like whenever I start to eat crappy foods i cannot stop and just keep going and going until my body can't take it any more. I don't think that the cheat meal is for me anymore and I think I will stop doing one for good. What do you think?

Maybe you need to change the way you think about this meal. By telling yourself that you're having a cheat meal, your subconsciously telling your body that there are no restrictions. The reverse is when you diet, you tell your body that it is limited to what's on the diet sheet. You've been dieting strictly for more than 2 years (you said so yourself - and 'diet' doesn't have to mean for weight loss, but any method of eating that is routine) and recently you've allowed yourself to relax a bit one day a week.

Honestly, I've never fully agreed with the term 'cheat' meal. It sounds like a term that people have coined to reward people for sticking to rigid diets the rest of the week. I do, however, see the benefits of a a refeed day or refeed meal in terms of keeping the metabolic rate from slowing down. So, rather than have a 'cheat' day or 'cheat' meal, have a 'refeed' meal or day, which is either limited to an extra meal, one single treat, or one or two slighty bigger meals on that particular day. It is not, however, permission to have a complete blow out.

Finally, it is not normal to eat until you get sick.

[bigg12x]

Hey, im 20 years old at 196... from 330 yeah started out 2 years ago just carido but since augest got into weights and instead of 1 hour cardio... 30 min high intesity stairs... got someone who put me on a new plan its 120-150 carbs a day with a once a week REFEED of 250 carbs... in the beggining i was killin but since decmeber to now sat and sunday binges like 300-350 carbs like icecreams and bagels and cerels,chips,cake/pastries and stupid stuff every binge weekend is somethign differnt. thing is i go so perfet 100% flawless doing 120-150 carbs,250 in protein, and 60-80 in good fats, but now this is taking over me and i got a little more to loose, doing 5 day weights with 30 minute cardio stairmaster after 5 days a week and extra cardio sometimes saturday and sunday... eating perfect clean until weekends? and when i binge i get depressed and i have no control like a beast inside me???? what the hell man? is all my hard hard work mon-friday going to waste or eveining out or still losing? scale is sometimes up by a pound i never know naymore since lifting is getting serious if its muscle or not? sometimes half pound drop like ounces i dont know man

[ZDub212]

Hey, im 20 years old at 196... from 330 yeah started out 2 years ago just carido but since augest got into weights and instead of 1 hour cardio... 30 min high intesity stairs... got someone who put me on a new plan its 120-150 carbs a day with a once a week REFEED of 250 carbs... in the beggining i was killin but since decmeber to now sat and sunday binges like 300-350 carbs like icecreams and bagels and cerels,chips,cake/pastries and stupid stuff every binge weekend is somethign differnt. thing is i go so perfet 100% flawless doing 120-150 carbs,250 in protein, and 60-80 in good fats, but now this is taking over me and i got a little more to loose, doing 5 day weights with 30 minute cardio stairmaster after 5 days a week and extra cardio sometimes saturday and sunday... eating perfect clean until weekends? and when i binge i get depressed and i have no control like a beast inside me???? what the hell man? is all my hard hard work mon-friday going to waste or eveining out or still losing? scale is sometimes up by a pound i never know naymore since lifting is getting serious if its muscle or not? sometimes half pound drop like ounces i dont know man

Didn't you already post this?

You're over analyzing everything. You're over thinking every detail and it's doing a lot of damage to your state of mind.

You can eat pastries, chips, cake, cereals, etc as often as you want. They're not taboo, but you make them taboo...which means you crave them so much more.

If you could treat yourself to something everyday, you'd realize that it's NO big deal.

You need to realize that your life is not defined by numbers. Throw your scale away. Who cares what the number says anyway? If you weighed 330lbs and looked great, then would you care that it said 330? If you weighed 160 and looked terrible, would you care? No. Throw it away. Seriously.

To answer your question...no, you cannot rationalize a binge. They are completely irrational based on fear, control, and insecurity. What's beneath the binge? Can you be happy without them? Can you be happy without micromanaging every single last morsel of food that goes into your body? Restricting calories is bad for your health, and so is binge eating. You're only LOSING. You cannot hope to maintain happiness, balance, a good state of mind, or any favorable body composition if you're consistently binging and restricting.

Imbalanced insulin/glucose, imbalanced test/estrogen, increased prolactin, heartburn, heart scarring, limited ability to build muscle/burn fat, depression, anxiety, lethargy, constantly thinking about food, liver stress, increased cortisol, constant hunger...you want all that?

Let's put this on you. After World War II, many concentration camp victims were rescued by American forces. The troops saw how famished these people were, and gave them massive amounts of food...including energy dense food. Peanut Butter, Cheese Burgers, and the like.

You know what happened? Many of them DIED. And many of them had gynecomastia.

http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/medica...necomastia.htm

You have an eating disorder. You should see a therapist right away. You CANNOT beat this all by yourself.

[bigg12x]

ya bro i get exactly what your saying.... its just mental thing that i have no damn clue where it came from u know.... i try my best and go real hard i nthe gym.... but when i binge it puts me down and i hate that.... i gotta fidn a soultion quick bro really quick...

[ZDub212]

ya bro i get exactly what your saying.... its just mental thing that i have no damn clue where it came from u know.... i try my best and go real hard i nthe gym.... but when i binge it puts me down and i hate that.... i gotta fidn a soultion quick bro really quick...

There is no quick solution. You need to see a therapist. If you don't see one, you will not recover. Period.

[Brit1980]

Hi guys

I wonder if someone can give me some advice please.

I struggled with an ED for a number of years, and feel like I am breaking through this now. I have been consistently gaining and am now up about 5 kgs on where I started, so now at 63kg. I'm 30 BTW and 5'9.

Lifts are going up gradually and legs are bigger, as well as upper arms, which are not so skinny now.

The problem I have is that I am gaining around 1 lb a week (min) on 1900-2000 cals per day. It also feels like a lot of the weight is going on my stomach- this is broader and feels less toned. I really want to up the calories as I don't know if my metabolism is still shot- but am scared of breaking the status quo, and also gaining too rapidly.

I also get a lot of calories from fats, mainly peanuts, around 35% of intake. I struggle with carbs, and rarely go above 200g a day. I'm also eating the majority of calories at night, and get quite bloated in the morning, and not sure if this is a good thing.

Lots there I know for comment, but I really need help on where I am going wrong, as I want to move forward and not just become skinny fat.

I lift 3 times a week minimum, and only cardio is 10 mins fast running 2-3 times a week at end of workouts.

Thanks guys

[determined4000]

Hi guys

I wonder if someone can give me some advice please.

I struggled with an ED for a number of years, and feel like I am breaking through this now. I have been consistently gaining and am now up about 5 kgs on where I started, so now at 63kg. I'm 30 BTW and 5'9.

Lifts are going up gradually and legs are bigger, as well as upper arms, which are not so skinny now.

The problem I have is that I am gaining around 1 lb a week (min) on 1900-2000 cals per day. It also feels like a lot of the weight is going on my stomach- this is broader and feels less toned. I really want to up the calories as I don't know if my metabolism is still shot- but am scared of breaking the status quo, and also gaining too rapidly.

I also get a lot of calories from fats, mainly peanuts, around 35% of intake. I struggle with carbs, and rarely go above 200g a day. I'm also eating the majority of calories at night, and get quite bloated in the morning, and not sure if this is a good thing.

Lots there I know for comment, but I really need help on where I am going wrong, as I want to move forward and not just become skinny fat.

I lift 3 times a week minimum, and only cardio is 10 mins fast running 2-3 times a week at end of workouts.

Thanks guys

The only way to restore your metabolism is to continue to eat.
If you dont want to bloat, spread out your meals and eat more dense foods.
If you are eating 1900 calories, 35% fat, and 800 cals of carbs-->you are only eating 109g protein. I would increase this by about 50g.
Stick with a routine that focuses on compound lifts and incorporate some core work (planks, situps etc).

[Environ]

Hi guys

I wonder if someone can give me some advice please.

I struggled with an ED for a number of years, and feel like I am breaking through this now. I have been consistently gaining and am now up about 5 kgs on where I started, so now at 63kg. I'm 30 BTW and 5'9.

Lifts are going up gradually and legs are bigger, as well as upper arms, which are not so skinny now.

The problem I have is that I am gaining around 1 lb a week (min) on 1900-2000 cals per day. It also feels like a lot of the weight is going on my stomach- this is broader and feels less toned. I really want to up the calories as I don't know if my metabolism is still shot- but am scared of breaking the status quo, and also gaining too rapidly.

I also get a lot of calories from fats, mainly peanuts, around 35% of intake. I struggle with carbs, and rarely go above 200g a day. I'm also eating the majority of calories at night, and get quite bloated in the morning, and not sure if this is a good thing.

Lots there I know for comment, but I really need help on where I am going wrong, as I want to move forward and not just become skinny fat.

I lift 3 times a week minimum, and only cardio is 10 mins fast running 2-3 times a week at end of workouts.

Thanks guys

Don't stop. This is progress, and you don't want to reverse it, right?

I think that it is common enough for people in recovery to gain some fat around the mid-section, but it's only temporary and, once your hormone levels stabilise at normal levels again, things will improve. I know that I ended up carrying a fair bit of fat around my mid-section when I got serious about recovery, but that's all changed now.

There is no question about you feeling bloated after meals as you get used to eating again (and, that feeling can last for a couple of years too by the way). But, don't let it deter.

Finally, you might not even have much fat around your mid-section right now either. You might be struggling to cope with letting your eating disorder go and your distorted body image is getting the better of you.

[Brit1980]

Thanks both for your comments.

Determined- do you think I need about 150g protein then? I have been hitting about 135 (sorry, % maths was off slightly) and 200g carbs, and then the rest in fats, so around 65 to 70g. My training is based on compounds- squats, deadlifts, chest press etc...

Environ: You're right, I know I don't want to reverse it, (although some days I do!), more that I sometimes feel out of control again or the guilt returns and I hate that. I let go some nights and then that's when the guilt kicks in the next day as the weight feels like it's piling on.

I hear you though on the distorted body image- I have to remind myself that I can't be that fat at my current weight, and the no sex drive reminds me that things aren't all back on yet.

[Stupidiot]

Okay.

I haven't posted or even visited these forums in a while. Figured some time off from posting and all these food porn threads might benefit me.
I've made some progress in terms of weight but I still seem to have a very unhealthy relationship with food.

I used to to completely forbid myself from eating anything "dirty". Lately, I started allowing myself to eat stuff I couldn't even look at before. Problem is, when I do that, I just can't stop. I still do it rarely, but when I do, I just pig out. I think it's a result of my VERY strict diet (No sugar, pastries, junk food or anything that can be remotely classified as "empty calories"). When I bit into a doughnut yesterday, it just hit me how much I miss all this stuff I used to eat and I ended up eating about five or six big ones.
Does anyone know how to control these feelings? It's driving me crazy, losing control every time I taste something delicious...

Thanks in advance...

[ZDub212]

Hi guys

I wonder if someone can give me some advice please.

I struggled with an ED for a number of years, and feel like I am breaking through this now. I have been consistently gaining and am now up about 5 kgs on where I started, so now at 63kg. I'm 30 BTW and 5'9.

Lifts are going up gradually and legs are bigger, as well as upper arms, which are not so skinny now.

The problem I have is that I am gaining around 1 lb a week (min) on 1900-2000 cals per day. It also feels like a lot of the weight is going on my stomach- this is broader and feels less toned. I really want to up the calories as I don't know if my metabolism is still shot- but am scared of breaking the status quo, and also gaining too rapidly.

I also get a lot of calories from fats, mainly peanuts, around 35% of intake. I struggle with carbs, and rarely go above 200g a day. I'm also eating the majority of calories at night, and get quite bloated in the morning, and not sure if this is a good thing.

Lots there I know for comment, but I really need help on where I am going wrong, as I want to move forward and not just become skinny fat.

I lift 3 times a week minimum, and only cardio is 10 mins fast running 2-3 times a week at end of workouts.

Thanks guys

Here's the thing though. You could way 200lbs and be completely ripped and you'd still have an eating disorder. Your weight and numbers don't define whether or not you have an ED...your brain still weighs the same. You're quantifying everything. But the truth is, you're at least closer to physical health. Have you seen a therapist at all?

For anyone reading this thread...there's no shame in it, and there's no getting around it...If you have an eating disorder, there's an underlying depression/insecurity and you NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST

Thanks both for your comments.

Determined- do you think I need about 150g protein then? I have been hitting about 135 (sorry, % maths was off slightly) and 200g carbs, and then the rest in fats, so around 65 to 70g. My training is based on compounds- squats, deadlifts, chest press etc...

Environ: You're right, I know I don't want to reverse it, (although some days I do!), more that I sometimes feel out of control again or the guilt returns and I hate that. I let go some nights and then that's when the guilt kicks in the next day as the weight feels like it's piling on.

I hear you though on the distorted body image- I have to remind myself that I can't be that fat at my current weight, and the no sex drive reminds me that things aren't all back on yet.

It takes YEARS to get your hormones back into balance. Also, this is all emotional, therapy is the way to go. I'm sorry, but you could post here your entire life and it won't do as much as a few months of therapy.

Okay.

I haven't posted or even visited these forums in a while. Figured some time off from posting and all these food porn threads might benefit me.
I've made some progress in terms of weight but I still seem to have a very unhealthy relationship with food.

I used to to completely forbid myself from eating anything "dirty". Lately, I started allowing myself to eat stuff I couldn't even look at before. Problem is, when I do that, I just can't stop. I still do it rarely, but when I do, I just pig out. I think it's a result of my VERY strict diet (No sugar, pastries, junk food or anything that can be remotely classified as "empty calories"). When I bit into a doughnut yesterday, it just hit me how much I miss all this stuff I used to eat and I ended up eating about five or six big ones.
Does anyone know how to control these feelings? It's driving me crazy, losing control every time I taste something delicious...

Thanks in advance...

Yes, you control these feelings by...dun dun dun...seeing a therapist.

This food is taboo for you. You feel an "all or nothing at all" mentality. The truth is, you could have doughnuts, sugar, etc, everyday and still be lean...and more importantly still be happy. But because you deprive yourself of these foods, you crave them that much more. Romeo & Juliet anyone?

Let me ask you this. What kind of self-esteem and self-confidence exists in someone who can't simply eat one doughnut?

[determined4000]

Thanks both for your comments.

Determined- do you think I need about 150g protein then? I have been hitting about 135 (sorry, % maths was off slightly) and 200g carbs, and then the rest in fats, so around 65 to 70g. My training is based on compounds- squats, deadlifts, chest press etc...

You don't need to stress over things but shooting for
150g protein
70g fat
200g carbs
would probably be good. Then if as you need to increase calories and if your weight increases with lifting just add a balance of all of the above.

Training sounds good.

[ZDub212]

You don't need to stress over things but >>>shooting for<<<

Bingo.

[Brit1980]

Hey guys

Thanks for your help! Zdub: I have seen a T in the past, but not right now. I saw one up til last year but right now have no money left and so am pushing forward alone- not ideal I know, but no choice. Thanks determined for your help too- I'll keep going with the training, and pushing the limits forward too...

[ZDub212]

Hey guys

Thanks for your help! Zdub: I have seen a T in the past, but not right now. I saw one up til last year but right now have no money left and so am pushing forward alone- not ideal I know, but no choice. Thanks determined for your help too- I'll keep going with the training, and pushing the limits forward too...

You can probably see a social worker...that's what I've done. $15/session, 1-2x per month, not a big expense.

[Brit1980]

Cool thanks- I will look into what's around my way. TBH, the way I'm feeling today, I'm ready to jack it all in completely, totally bloated and tired of it all- but am sure this will pass and onto better things!

[Stupidiot]

Thanks for the helpful tips.

Also, Ive noticed some symptoms of compulsive exercise. I get nervous on days I don't get to exercise because of other commitments and always afraid to put on fat, so I cut down on the food - A LOT. I don't starve myself but I stuff myself with veggies and fruit so that I dont feel hungry and stay low on calories. Also, I'm in pretty good cardio shape (used to swim competitively, I dont do that anymore but Ive managed to maintain fitness) and I'm afraid to lose it all if I take even 2-3 days off from swimming.

Is my thinking messed up? How quickly do you really lose your 'fitness level' due to inactivity? And how quickly do you regain your fitness level after you start exercising again?

Thanks.

[nuriyan]

I recently joined this site and I thought I should post a little bit of my story here. I wanted to let anyone know who struggles with binge eating that you can beat this. From the middle of 2009 to just six months ago, I struggled with eating disordered habits. It was the worst time in my life, and I slowly felt like I was just fading away as myself.

When I got out of high school I was very overweight, coming in at over 300 pounds. The day came I decided to make a change in my life. I was not happy with myself, my looks, or life in general. So I figured the best place to start would be my health. I started losing weight over the next few years. And as I lost the weight, I started feeling good about myself. My personality changed, I started dating, and everything was going perfect. About two years ago, when I moved on my own, I started to suffer from some emotional issues (though at the time I did not realize this). Subconsciously, I began to starve myself down at 1,200 calories per day and did vigorous cardio workouts as a form of punishment/coping mechanism. I wasn't even aware of what I was doing, but it made me feel good when the weight was falling off at a pace like no other. Everyone told me I was pale and too sick but I did not care, I wanted to lose 10 pounds, 20 pounds, and so on. I would run and run and run until I could barely run anymore. No matter how sore my legs were I just ran everyday like I was being chased by a train.

This continued as I dropped from 220 pounds to about 165, so you can imagine the toll it took on me physically and mentally. Once I hit 165, I plateaued at that point and this is when it started. The scale would not move no matter what I did. It got so bad I was down to a pack of tuna and a few pieces of lettuce for dinner, yet the scale never went past 165. I was home on a weekend and I started eating huge amounts of food. It was really enjoyable and calming at the time. I kept doing this every weekend and I noticed some sort of remorse building up, almost like a feeling of disappointment. I was researching eating disorders but never put thought into it. Slowly I started waking up the next day from these episodes with a huge amount of guilt. So I promised myself I would stop doing this, but it kept happening. I could not stop myself no matter what. That is when I knew I was in serious trouble, and something was wrong.

Part of me was never willing to give up the fight. So even if I had a day in which I pounded down 6,000 calories (or more), I would fight like no other to get back on track. Usually I would binge one day a week then I managed to get back on track again for another week. But as the days and weeks went by, the binges grew worse. I would destroy a weeks worth of progress in a single day, and thus my motivation started to die out. I became too exhausted from the brutal cardio, and I couldn't restrict anymore food. The binges became more often, sometimes four times a week, and those calories started to add up no matter how much I restricted or worked out, the scale started to jump, and so did my waist size. In that time frame I put on 15 pounds from binge eating. That is quite remarkable considering it could (and should) have been much higher. I went from 165 to 180.

As the weight started to creep back up, and the binges wouldn't stop, I grew less motivated. I could not maintain all the cardio I was doing any longer. I would go to work and I could not even function. I slowly went from working out six days a week to five, to four, to three. And then I eventually started to take a week off here and there which was really discouraging. I would deny friend outings just to stay home in fear of eating anymore calories for the day. It was a really tough time. This went on for way too long, and I got serious about fighting this. I became more and more aware of what was going on. I was suffering from an eating disorder, and I admitted that to myself. That was the first step. The second step was to go to therapy. And the third step, and most important, was to build a relationship with myself. That is when I started to win the battle - I began to dig deep down in my life, and try to figure out emotional triggers to these habits. SLOWLY as the months progressed I learned a lot about myself, and was able to face a lot of problems that I was hiding using food and weight loss.

The two main things outside of my own willpower and strength that I believe "cured" me were the books "Overcoming Binge Eating" and "Shrink Yourself". I won't go into detail as I could write a whole-other story on them, but you owe it to yourself to purchase those books, read them, and do all of the sessions in them. Binge eating, as far as I am concerned, has nothing to do with your diet. I know when I was dealing with my binge habits I would always make changes to my diet first. I NEVER made changes in my life (which is what I should have done). I would go on keto diets, high carb diets, eat maintenance calories - nothing worked. In fact, the more I tampered with things not related to my binge eating habits, such as the diet and workout routines, the worst things got. It wasn't until I started to face my problems head on that I became more conscious of what I was doing, and eventually I was able to overcome this all.

Binge eating deals with deep rooted emotional issues. It is your job to dig deep into yourself and figure out what your problems are. I know once I realized why I was starving myself and then binge eating, I became a stronger person because of it. Now I have taken those issues and I have built upon them, or at least working towards accomplishing them.

As far as my weight loss goes, I lost 135 pounds since high school, gained 15 back (from the binge eating), and for the past six months I have been binge free. I have also returned to my healthy workout lifestyle of five days per week. Weights M-W-F and cardio on Tuesday and Thursdays. The last time I weighed myself was four months ago, I weighed in at 175. Since I overcame my binge eating habits, I threw my scales out and I do not count any calories. So I really don't know what my weight is right now. All I know is what I see in the mirror, and what I can fit in (shirts/pants). I also will admit I appreciate myself the way I am now even though I am not muscular or maintaining a "bodybuilders" body by any means. I have been following the Stronglifts routine for a while and have seen good results as far as body composition.

I hope my story can provide some insight. I have never admitted I went through this to my family or friends (I wish at the time I would have), and if they are on this site I suppose they can hear my story then. But I want to let anyone know that is struggling with ANY eating disorder that you can and will overcome this. I sometimes look back at pictures of myself when I was 165 and realized there was nothing wrong with the way I looked, even though at the time I thought I looked like a walrus and absolutely atrocious. Your mind can be an excellent tool but it can also be a very deceptive and evil one. Chances are if you are weight lifting, doing cardio, have a healthy BMI, and eat a relatively healthy diet you do look decent and shouldn't be so tough on yourself as far as shape/size goes from a mental perspective.

[milfinbikini]

I just joined this site and I found the Nutrition part to be triggering.

I have battled an eating disorder (mostly anorexia, but also bulimia too) for years. I went into the hospital after getting down to a severe low weight and they had me gain a ton of weight, and since then it hasn't really come off. I went into recovery for 4 years, slipped 2 1/2 years ago after pregnancy trying to lose the pregnancy weight.

Since then my meals have been well, but I still count calories (just not as low) and struggle with body image. I work in the fitness field and men are brutal in terms of my body.

I see a ED therapist, I have weekly for two years now. I was in extensive therapy before too. I feel like I started bodybuilding and it has become a replacement addiction. Then people post on here how my mass is great but I should "cut" and it can be quite triggering. Some of these diets listed on here are scary. I think a Keto diet for someone with my history would be a recipe for disaster. I'm back on the meal plan I followed before yet I'm gaining, and I don't need to gain weight at all!

[ZDub212]

Thanks for the helpful tips.

Also, Ive noticed some symptoms of compulsive exercise. I get nervous on days I don't get to exercise because of other commitments and always afraid to put on fat, so I cut down on the food - A LOT. I don't starve myself but I stuff myself with veggies and fruit so that I dont feel hungry and stay low on calories. Also, I'm in pretty good cardio shape (used to swim competitively, I dont do that anymore but Ive managed to maintain fitness) and I'm afraid to lose it all if I take even 2-3 days off from swimming.

Is my thinking messed up? How quickly do you really lose your 'fitness level' due to inactivity? And how quickly do you regain your fitness level after you start exercising again?

Thanks.

Yes, your thinking is messed up. Seeing a therapist? Do it.

It takes a while to lose your fitness level. A long while. I was out of the gym for 6 months with an injury and I was back in shape in less than a month.

I recently joined this site and I thought I should post a little bit of my story here. I wanted to let anyone know who struggles with binge eating that you can beat this. From the middle of 2009 to just six months ago, I struggled with eating disordered habits. It was the worst time in my life, and I slowly felt like I was just fading away as myself.

When I got out of high school I was very overweight, coming in at over 300 pounds. The day came I decided to make a change in my life. I was not happy with myself, my looks, or life in general. So I figured the best place to start would be my health. I started losing weight over the next few years. And as I lost the weight, I started feeling good about myself. My personality changed, I started dating, and everything was going perfect. About two years ago, when I moved on my own, I started to suffer from some emotional issues (though at the time I did not realize this). Subconsciously, I began to starve myself down at 1,200 calories per day and did vigorous cardio workouts as a form of punishment/coping mechanism. I wasn't even aware of what I was doing, but it made me feel good when the weight was falling off at a pace like no other. Everyone told me I was pale and too sick but I did not care, I wanted to lose 10 pounds, 20 pounds, and so on. I would run and run and run until I could barely run anymore. No matter how sore my legs were I just ran everyday like I was being chased by a train.

This continued as I dropped from 220 pounds to about 165, so you can imagine the toll it took on me physically and mentally. Once I hit 165, I plateaued at that point and this is when it started. The scale would not move no matter what I did. It got so bad I was down to a pack of tuna and a few pieces of lettuce for dinner, yet the scale never went past 165. I was home on a weekend and I started eating huge amounts of food. It was really enjoyable and calming at the time. I kept doing this every weekend and I noticed some sort of remorse building up, almost like a feeling of disappointment. I was researching eating disorders but never put thought into it. Slowly I started waking up the next day from these episodes with a huge amount of guilt. So I promised myself I would stop doing this, but it kept happening. I could not stop myself no matter what. That is when I knew I was in serious trouble, and something was wrong.

Part of me was never willing to give up the fight. So even if I had a day in which I pounded down 6,000 calories (or more), I would fight like no other to get back on track. Usually I would binge one day a week then I managed to get back on track again for another week. But as the days and weeks went by, the binges grew worse. I would destroy a weeks worth of progress in a single day, and thus my motivation started to die out. I became too exhausted from the brutal cardio, and I couldn't restrict anymore food. The binges became more often, sometimes four times a week, and those calories started to add up no matter how much I restricted or worked out, the scale started to jump, and so did my waist size. In that time frame I put on 15 pounds from binge eating. That is quite remarkable considering it could (and should) have been much higher. I went from 165 to 180.

As the weight started to creep back up, and the binges wouldn't stop, I grew less motivated. I could not maintain all the cardio I was doing any longer. I would go to work and I could not even function. I slowly went from working out six days a week to five, to four, to three. And then I eventually started to take a week off here and there which was really discouraging. I would deny friend outings just to stay home in fear of eating anymore calories for the day. It was a really tough time. This went on for way too long, and I got serious about fighting this. I became more and more aware of what was going on. I was suffering from an eating disorder, and I admitted that to myself. That was the first step. The second step was to go to therapy. And the third step, and most important, was to build a relationship with myself. That is when I started to win the battle - I began to dig deep down in my life, and try to figure out emotional triggers to these habits. SLOWLY as the months progressed I learned a lot about myself, and was able to face a lot of problems that I was hiding using food and weight loss.

The two main things outside of my own willpower and strength that I believe "cured" me were the books "Overcoming Binge Eating" and "Shrink Yourself". I won't go into detail as I could write a whole-other story on them, but you owe it to yourself to purchase those books, read them, and do all of the sessions in them. Binge eating, as far as I am concerned, has nothing to do with your diet. I know when I was dealing with my binge habits I would always make changes to my diet first. I NEVER made changes in my life (which is what I should have done). I would go on keto diets, high carb diets, eat maintenance calories - nothing worked. In fact, the more I tampered with things not related to my binge eating habits, such as the diet and workout routines, the worst things got. It wasn't until I started to face my problems head on that I became more conscious of what I was doing, and eventually I was able to overcome this all.

Binge eating deals with deep rooted emotional issues. It is your job to dig deep into yourself and figure out what your problems are. I know once I realized why I was starving myself and then binge eating, I became a stronger person because of it. Now I have taken those issues and I have built upon them, or at least working towards accomplishing them.

As far as my weight loss goes, I lost 135 pounds since high school, gained 15 back (from the binge eating), and for the past six months I have been binge free. I have also returned to my healthy workout lifestyle of five days per week. Weights M-W-F and cardio on Tuesday and Thursdays. The last time I weighed myself was four months ago, I weighed in at 175. Since I overcame my binge eating habits, I threw my scales out and I do not count any calories. So I really don't know what my weight is right now. All I know is what I see in the mirror, and what I can fit in (shirts/pants). I also will admit I appreciate myself the way I am now even though I am not muscular or maintaining a "bodybuilders" body by any means. I have been following the Stronglifts routine for a while and have seen good results as far as body composition.

I hope my story can provide some insight. I have never admitted I went through this to my family or friends (I wish at the time I would have), and if they are on this site I suppose they can hear my story then. But I want to let anyone know that is struggling with ANY eating disorder that you can and will overcome this. I sometimes look back at pictures of myself when I was 165 and realized there was nothing wrong with the way I looked, even though at the time I thought I looked like a walrus and absolutely atrocious. Your mind can be an excellent tool but it can also be a very deceptive and evil one. Chances are if you are weight lifting, doing cardio, have a healthy BMI, and eat a relatively healthy diet you do look decent and shouldn't be so tough on yourself as far as shape/size goes from a mental perspective.

Bravo. Just remember that this is lifelong recovery. You might slip and fall again, and that's ok, it happens to all of us. But throwing out the scale and not counting calories is TERRIFIC. It looks like you're really committed to recovery, and not just staving off death. Just remember, people >CAN< overcome, but they will >NOT< overcome if they continue to deny, quantify, try to control...and don't get any therapy. But dude, I feel good for you, bravo. Keep up the healthy living.

I just joined this site and I found the Nutrition part to be triggering.

I have battled an eating disorder (mostly anorexia, but also bulimia too) for years. I went into the hospital after getting down to a severe low weight and they had me gain a ton of weight, and since then it hasn't really come off. I went into recovery for 4 years, slipped 2 1/2 years ago after pregnancy trying to lose the pregnancy weight.

Since then my meals have been well, but I still count calories (just not as low) and struggle with body image. I work in the fitness field and men are brutal in terms of my body.

I see a ED therapist, I have weekly for two years now. I was in extensive therapy before too. I feel like I started bodybuilding and it has become a replacement addiction. Then people post on here how my mass is great but I should "cut" and it can be quite triggering. Some of these diets listed on here are scary. I think a Keto diet for someone with my history would be a recipe for disaster. I'm back on the meal plan I followed before yet I'm gaining, and I don't need to gain weight at all!

If I were you, I'd stay far away from these boards. They cannot help you, unless you specifically want to replace addictions. Don't listen to what people say, they're stupid. And I find the processes of "bulking" and "cutting" to be completely stupid. Let's restrict or let's binge! Bodybuilding can force eating disorders in people who otherwise would've been fine.

[nuriyan]

Thanks ZDub212. I appreciate the feedback and support you and the others have provided in this thread for everyone.

I was very private about my eating disorder to my family and friends. To this date I still am, and very, VERY few know about it. I played it off like I was just someone in their 20's who loved to workout and followed good nutrition. Everyone always complimented me on how I looked but they did not know behind the scenes I was killing myself in the gym, I was starving myself down, I hated myself, and eventually I was stuffing down thousands of calories on a daily basis to the point I could no longer move.

My lowest point was when I stopped working out. It bothers me to write this, but I'll say it anyways. I would exercise six days per week, and then all of a sudden I started "convincing" myself to go just five. Those five days turned into four, then three..and slowly I was working out once or twice per week, and you can guess what I was doing on my "off days". That is when I knew I had officially hit rock bottom and I could go no longer. I participated in a 5K run with a friend and after that I slowly saw my daily five mile runs go to four, then three, and eventually I was just "walking". I couldn't maintain it anymore because I was so worn out physically, and the binge eating (sugar) made me extremely lethargic and I had no more energy.

My life is much, MUCH better now though. I am more confident right now than I have ever been. I go out every single weekend, I always make myself look nice for me, I never worry about my calories or macros, I don't have a "number" on the scale to battle anymore, and more importantly, I'm not sitting at home on my off days stuffing down ice cream and cookies anymore.

I workout five days per week. I do weight training M-W-F, and do cardio on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If I feel too worn-out from a weight training session to do cardio the next day, then I take a day off (like I did today). And I do not feel guilty about it either.

I will stick around this thread to throw my thoughts out if I feel I can participate. Never try to be perfect when it comes to diet, weight training, and your physique. Try to focus on each day, and any progress you make instead. When you try to reach the unreachable, you can only go for so long until your body says "no more". That is not to say you can't find a picture of your ideal physique and say "I want to look like that", because you CAN. However, you will never be able to be perfect. You will have bad days in the gym. You will have bad dieting days. You will have days you start questioning "Is this worth it?". You might even have a week, or month(s) you just say "screw it" and totally blow everything.

Progress can be achieved, perfection cannot. So just remind yourself, those occasional bad days aren't bad, and they aren't making you go off path. Tell yourself in the end they are actually paving the way towards success. Failure is the key to success, how many times have you heard that - it's the truth. Keep up the fight!!

[milfinbikini]

If I were you, I'd stay far away from these boards. They cannot help you, unless you specifically want to replace addictions. Don't listen to what people say, they're stupid. And I find the processes of "bulking" and "cutting" to be completely stupid. Let's restrict or let's binge! Bodybuilding can force eating disorders in people who otherwise would've been fine.

I'm glad I found this thread to keep me in check. I'm following a healthy meal plan. I find when I do eat a moderate amount of starch and a small dessert every day, I don't binge. To me that's more important than being ripped.

What I have a hard time with is how many of us enter treatment underweight, and hospitals force us to become overweight. How is that better? I mean yes I'm out of danger of dying tomorrow, but now I have high cholesterol and no one recognized me when I got out of the hospital. I started weight training to rebuild the muscle I lost from dieting, and to tone up the weight gain.

But I'm counting exchanges on a meal plan to get me off of counting calories And I go to OA and twelve step meetings and work with an ED therapist on the underlying issues.

[Environ]

I just joined this site and I found the Nutrition part to be triggering.

I have battled an eating disorder (mostly anorexia, but also bulimia too) for years. I went into the hospital after getting down to a severe low weight and they had me gain a ton of weight, and since then it hasn't really come off. I went into recovery for 4 years, slipped 2 1/2 years ago after pregnancy trying to lose the pregnancy weight.

Since then my meals have been well, but I still count calories (just not as low) and struggle with body image. I work in the fitness field and men are brutal in terms of my body.

I see a ED therapist, I have weekly for two years now. I was in extensive therapy before too. I feel like I started bodybuilding and it has become a replacement addiction. Then people post on here how my mass is great but I should "cut" and it can be quite triggering. Some of these diets listed on here are scary. I think a Keto diet for someone with my history would be a recipe for disaster. I'm back on the meal plan I followed before yet I'm gaining, and I don't need to gain weight at all!

Honestly, I do not think that bodybuilding is compatible with recovering from an eating disorder. It can work later on, after you've conquered the condition, have accepted yourself for who you are and have no need for destructive tendencies or the behaviours that make up the eating disorder. Bulking, cutting, dieting, macros, etc, etc - none of these are good for the mind of the person in recovery. It makes things far too confusing and it's so easy to start to manipulate everything so that you just end up worse off. And, what better way to camouflage an eating disorder than with bodybuilding.

I'm not saying that exercise for health benefits or to assist in the physical recovery of your body is a bad idea; I'd be a hypocrite if I said that because I exercised all through my recovery. I turned what was a very destructive thing (over-exercise) into something positive, initially by reversing the effects of my osteoporosis (yep, my doctors were dumbfounded) and then by learing to respect exercise and use in a beneficial way for my body. Of course, in hindsight, if I'd been strong enough to give up the exercise for a while, I might have made a faster recovery. You have to be very careful with exercise when in recovery from an eating disorder because it's so easy to lie to yourself and tell yourself that you're exercising for beneficial reasons when, in reality, you're just 'feeding the habit' so to speak and using exercise to control your body and your weight.

So, my advice to you is to stop bodybuilding for now. I also think that you need to stop looking outwards to get an opinion of your body or physique. What do YOU think about your body? Can you at least accept that you are who you are, body physically and emotionally, right now? While it's difficult, you also need to learn to ignore what other people comment about your body, whether they are male or female.

[ErikTheElectric]

Hey guys,

I'm back again. Feeling horrible as ever.. to be honest. Just felt like I could use some guidance/reassurance..

Recently, one of my many doctors that prescribes me my ADHD meds decided that it was the reason for my low resting HR (42 bpm).. However,
I tried to tell him that it was because of the endless amounts of cardio that I had been putting my body through for months.

Anyways, My parents and him took me off my meds for the past couple of days.. (went from 54 mg of Concerta to absoloutely ZERO).. and I've never felt this depressed in my entire life.
Just tuesday, I just randomly broke down and cried to my parents about how pointless and stupid I've made my life..

I've made my life about two things.. Working out and food. That's it.

Anyways, to my main concern... now that I'm off my meds. All I can think about is two things.. Sleep and Food.
All of this just makes me want to restrict the amount of food I take in for fear of gaining weight... Because, I sleep for 16 hours a day right now..

I'm used to 2-3 hours of cardio a day, and massive amounts of food afterward. And since I'm not doing this.. I'm honestly scared to death of what's going to happen.

The only exercise that I've really gotten was on Wednesday of this week when I found one of my old meds and took it in the morning, and then biked for 3 hours after school that day.

Honestly, I just feel so horrible and utterly depressed right now. I've even had thoughts of puking up food.. which throughout the past year that I've battled anorexia.. I had never thought about before..

Once again sorry for the depressing rant.. I'm just scared of all the inactivity I'm doing right now..

Thanks to all of you that read my post.. :/

[milfinbikini]

So, my advice to you is to stop bodybuilding for now. I also think that you need to stop looking outwards to get an opinion of your body or physique. What do YOU think about your body? Can you at least accept that you are who you are, body physically and emotionally, right now? While it's difficult, you also need to learn to ignore what other people comment about your body, whether they are male or female.

That's a tough one. My support group says to focus on accepting myself now, yet my mind keeps going back to when I was anorexic and famous men wanted to date me and all of the attention I received. Now I feel like I'm just a wallflower with this extra weight on me.

So I figured that I would accept my body as muscular (since I dieted down from that) and get into weight training as I injured myself and am limited to what I can do, but you're right, I read these women going on crash diets and lowering their body fat, or get comments like "if you would cut you would look great" and they have no idea what it's like to end up in the ambulance twice, hospital for two months, years of therapy. Now I feel like I have extra weight on me from the antidepressants they give you in recovery, yet the weight gain side effect is the worst part of those things!

Anyways thank you for sharing.

[milfinbikini]

Hey guys,

I'm back again. Feeling horrible as ever.. to be honest. Just felt like I could use some guidance/reassurance..

Recently, one of my many doctors that prescribes me my ADHD meds decided that it was the reason for my low resting HR (42 bpm).. However,
I tried to tell him that it was because of the endless amounts of cardio that I had been putting my body through for months.

Anyways, My parents and him took me off my meds for the past couple of days.. (went from 54 mg of Concerta to absoloutely ZERO).. and I've never felt this depressed in my entire life.
Just tuesday, I just randomly broke down and cried to my parents about how pointless and stupid I've made my life..

I've made my life about two things.. Working out and food. That's it.

Anyways, to my main concern... now that I'm off my meds. All I can think about is two things.. Sleep and Food.
All of this just makes me want to restrict the amount of food I take in for fear of gaining weight... Because, I sleep for 16 hours a day right now..

I'm used to 2-3 hours of cardio a day, and massive amounts of food afterward. And since I'm not doing this.. I'm honestly scared to death of what's going to happen.

The only exercise that I've really gotten was on Wednesday of this week when I found one of my old meds and took it in the morning, and then biked for 3 hours after school that day.

Honestly, I just feel so horrible and utterly depressed right now. I've even had thoughts of puking up food.. which throughout the past year that I've battled anorexia.. I had never thought about before..

Once again sorry for the depressing rant.. I'm just scared of all the inactivity I'm doing right now..

Thanks to all of you that read my post.. :/

I'm sorry you feel this way. You DEFINITELY don't want to purge, that is a viscious cycle that is hard to get out of. Good for you for cutting back on the exercise.

What would happen if you gained weight? How bad would it be?

Just think that your body is recovering from all of the hardship you put on it, just like if you had a broken leg (I am recovering from a broken foot from overexercising).