And I did post before I think it's a good thing many people want to have a family as well a growing number of people who dont want. To balance things out.
Yeah all you care about is to take care of yourself and your fam. I get it. Self-centered existence like I said.
That's your meaning and purpose in life.
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05-20-2021, 08:24 AM #121Only red cuz misunderstood
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05-20-2021, 08:26 AM #122
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05-20-2021, 08:26 AM #123
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05-20-2021, 08:28 AM #124
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05-20-2021, 08:31 AM #125
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05-20-2021, 08:35 AM #126
Idk I really don’t think I’m cut out to be a mom. I’ve never felt a maternal instinct. I don’t like taking care of people or being responsible for people. I don’t like stress and errands and chores and responsibilities. Plus I’m TERRIFIED of having a child with special needs or health problems or any other issues.
When I’m with other people’s kids I think they are cute but also very needy and annoying. I don’t feel any instinct to hold them or take care of them. They are mostly just annoying to me with how needy they are.
I do understand that when it’s your own kids it’s different because you naturally love them. And you have a natural biological bond to them. But idk I just never felt any desire for that.
The only doubt/regret I have about kids is if maybe kids could have saved my marriage. Kids give you a reason to stay through adultery, abuse, addictions. So maybe it would’ve been worth it if that would have worked. Idk though. A lot of people also say kids are hard on a marriage. So idk.
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05-20-2021, 08:38 AM #127
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05-20-2021, 08:40 AM #128
I'm a parent and telling you that you are wrong. I actually have experience in what you speak of your negative opinions and mindset don't matter.
I believe the key to happiness is doing what you want in life. If you want to be forever alone that's fine do you, but don't speak negatively on marriage and try to justify your misery on a male dominant forum. You've never been married. You have no experience just a negative mindset.Just Bleed
Interstellar Crew
Married Crew
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05-20-2021, 08:40 AM #129
Yeah 8 years is still basically newly wed lmao. I got divorced long after that.
You really can’t judge a marriage until it’s been decades AND you’re both still in love AND you have both been completely loyal AND you are still having regular sex with each other.
Which is prob less than 10% of long term marriages.
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05-20-2021, 08:43 AM #130
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05-20-2021, 08:45 AM #131
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05-20-2021, 08:46 AM #132
the biggest thing that pisses me off about my kids is they purposefully play the shiitiest video games imaginable. what the FUK is fun about this?
and they dont watch tv shows they watch other people playing fukking roblox.
we have resident evil village they wont even touch it.do not read my posts and weep, i am not there i do not sleep
i am the thousand greens that rep, i am the ban bet dutifully kept
of memes and trolls in toasted breads, i am not there, i am not dead.
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05-20-2021, 08:48 AM #133
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05-20-2021, 08:50 AM #134
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05-20-2021, 08:52 AM #135
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05-20-2021, 08:56 AM #136
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05-20-2021, 08:56 AM #137
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05-20-2021, 09:00 AM #138
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05-20-2021, 09:00 AM #139
Yeah I do wonder if I had married someone else maybe I would have changed my mind on kids.
Idk but I never wanted kids before marriage either. Never was part of my life plan and just didn’t want that mom life for my future at all.
Whereas my sisters and friends all wanted kids from the start, they never doubted that is what they wanted and they just naturally had a desire for kids. They had natural maternal instincts and desires from when they were young and long before they got married.
So if I had kids against my natural desire idk what would have happened. Maybe I would’ve had perfect problem free kids and would’ve fallen in love with my kids and been happy as a mom. Or maybe I would have secretly regretted it, especially if they were special needs or any other issues or problems.
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05-20-2021, 09:00 AM #140
I just understand marriage is not the path to happiness at the end.
I dont believe in fairytales.
You keep thinking I'm miserable lol I think I find the key to happiness and peace in life.
One thing is quite predictable, since you depend your happiness on something so fragile like marriage, you have a higher chance of ending up unhappy. So better find more meaning and happiness in life.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/marri...nce-_b_1568936
How Many Marriages Actually End In Happily Ever After?
Though there are no statistics specifically addressing how many long-term married couples consider themselves happy or actively in love -- it would be difficult to assess -- there are other facts and statistics to support the claim many remain together obligatorily ever after.
It is often said that marriage has a 50 percent chance of success. This percentage comes, naturally, from the divorce rate. In February 2012 PolitiFact.com stated that the "overall probability of marriages now ending in divorce falls between 40% and 50%." We tend to assume that the 50% (or 60%) who stay together do so happily. There is substantial evidence to suggest the opposite -- that many of the remaining couples are together but aren't happy about it.
There are a variety of ways to define a successful marriage. For purposes here, I'll define it this way: Two people who've been married for 25 years or more and still take an active interest in each other. They spend time together, genuinely enjoy each other's company, and don't keep super-sized secrets from one another (occasional white lies are okay). They are together purposefully rather than practically.Only red cuz misunderstood
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05-20-2021, 09:03 AM #141
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05-20-2021, 09:05 AM #142
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05-20-2021, 09:11 AM #143
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05-20-2021, 09:19 AM #144
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05-20-2021, 09:20 AM #145
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05-20-2021, 09:23 AM #146
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05-20-2021, 09:52 AM #147
I'm a skeptic about marriage and relationships in general but I do see the positive sides to taking that path in life. Looking at the way Asian culture is I do think it is a superior way to live. Take my GF's family for example:
-Parents are in their late 60s and married.
-8 kids all in their late 20s-40s.
-Most of their kids have kids and are married/in a LTR.
For holidays their kids come around. They have a big house/area to host people so its not uncommon to have 50-150 people over for dinner. And when I say for dinner I mean its typically a 4-8 hour affair. Friends/family/etc. all drop by. Everyone brings food so its a massive feast. Typically capable of feeding at least 2-3x the amount of people there. They typically have 4-5 generations there. Oldest people, mid age people, teens/kids and babies. Etc.
If someone needs money they pool their money together. Even if its like 20-30K. If someone gets married the family/friends donate money and a new couple typically gets about 50K in donations. So they go into their life together completely debt free and/or with a big down payment for a house. If someone has a baby same thing. They throw a massive party and everyone donates money. 10-20K for a new baby. Etc.
They are extremely supportive of each other and have each others back 100%. Easy to see how their marriages last long term when the whole family is supportive.
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05-20-2021, 10:00 AM #148
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05-20-2021, 10:08 AM #149
Kids certainly change some people for the better. From what I've seen it's usually genuinely good people who are just a bit immature, but want to be better that improve the most. Based on your descriptions of your ex-husband, having kids to save your marriage would have been a mistake, imo. I bet you could have been a good mother. With kids you just have to take the bad with the good. My younger children are the neediest, but they are also the ones that come running and give me hugs everyday when I get home from work.
I identify with a lot of the attitudes you've listed with respect to other peoples children. Having said that, I guess I'm not a complete curmudgeon. I have had past experiences working with youth groups as a leader in Boy Scouts and other activity oriented organizations and have gotten a lot of fulfillment out of teaching skills and seeing these kids grow and mature. Years ago, I took a week off from work and led a group of teenagers (none of my own kids were old enough) on a 50 mile backpacking trip. Those now grown men still reach out to me with wedding invites, etc. even though its been years since we've been in contact.
Haha, I'm getting close. If I can keep it together for 2 more years I will meet your criteria.
8 years is a really good start though, and is enough time to build a strong foundation. I think if you can make it for 8, you can make it for 50. In cases where people don't I think it's usually because one or both parties changed, which really comes back to a lack of commitment. Both parties have to fully commit to doing whatever is necessary to keep the marriage strong. I frequently see the recommendation made to put kids before marriage. Growing up my mother always told us that she put my father first, before the children, because the single best thing they could do as a couple for their children was to maintain a good marriage. That said, both of my parents made sacrifices for the family.
Yeah, pretty much agree. I'm older and my background is more traditional that most people on here. Because of that, my personal belief is that most men would be happier by not delaying finding a quality woman and building a life with her in order to spend years chasing easy sex. But no matter what route a person chooses for themselves there will be challenges. My wife and I have gone through some brutally hard experiences together, even though I would say we have generally done pretty well making choices that should bring us happiness. No one is getting through life without some heartache. That's one reason I try to stay positive online. I enjoy an entertaining thread as much as anyone, but I try to never be negative or put another poster down because life's hard enough as it is, and you have no idea what the other person is going through.
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05-20-2021, 10:08 AM #150
My best friend is from a similar huge family and culture (not Asian but similar values as you describe) and I tag along with their HUGE family gatherings sometimes.
I think they are happy because they like that culture but I always feel uncomfortable. Too many people and too many social expectations. Their life is a constant string of family obligations. Sunday visits, birthdays, weddings, baby showers, parties etc. Never ends because it’s such a huge group and everyone is always expected to attend. You can’t skip anything.
All their free time is basically taken up by family social obligations. And in addition there are very specific expectations on they have to live their lives because they all have to confirm to family expectations in every aspect. From education to career to finances to partner choice to where to live etc. Everything has to be a specific way to the family standard.
Again I know they are happy like that but to me it is suffocating. And I would not want to marry into that and become subject to all those social obligations and life choice expectations. You basically lose all your freedom. Both your free time and how you choose to live your life.
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