How to prepare mentally for my mom dying

[stezus]

Stage 4 pancreatic, probably just a few months left. I'm the full time caretaker, out of a job (have enough saved that it's not a problem though). I have a few good friends, and some family, but still not sure how i'll get through when it happens. Of course cause of kung flu it makes church difficult.

Who has gone through this and what did you do to get through?

[AdamSMW]

See it from the positive side, all her suffering will end and she will enter a temporary peaceful bliss until the next life
All that is living will die... and all that dies will live again, such is the cycle
You will meet her again

[stezus]

You're the full time caretaker? Damn, brah. That's tough.

You can't hire people to be caretakers?

It's not worth it to hire at this point, plus i'd rather just do it. Her husband does SOME but he works, and he's a goober.
The caretaking wasn't the hard part it was all the research for supplements and cannabis chit i made that she can't take any of now cause swallowing more than food doesn't work

[NDMD]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I'd try to stay in close contact with her palliative care team. Usually they do offer substantial bereavement support.

[dbluevette]

Being a believer sure helps with life and in death.

[8pieces]

Idk if this is the right answer but my mom had stage 1 and did survived but I was told if she did pass it is is best to be very selfish. Now that might sound bad but it really might be the best way with dealing with the death of a loved one. Just do things for you. Treat yourself and enjoy your freedom. Pancreatic cancer is one of the most difficult cancers to deal with. I wish you and your mom the best.


edit: I was also my moms main caretaker. It is really draining emotionally. over the 3 years of treatment i must of spent an entire year just in the hospital with her.

[stezus]

See it from the positive side, all her suffering will end and she will enter a temporary peaceful bliss until the next life
All that is living will die... and all that dies will live again, such is the cycle
You will meet her again

Yea man i've been trying to view it this way and it definitely helps. But it's still fukked, all of the memories and this house which I will buy out/inherit afterward that will constantly remind me of it all. It'd be easier to just to move somewhere and forget it but i couldn't accept that

[stezus]

Being a believer sure helps with life and in death.

Definitely

Idk if this is the right answer but my mom had stage 1 and did survived but I was told if she did pass it is is best to be very selfish. Now that might sound bad but it really might be the best way with dealing with the death of a loved one. Just do things for you. Treat yourself and enjoy your freedom. Pancreatic cancer is one of the most difficult cancers to deal with. I wish you and your mom the best.


edit: I was also my moms main caretaker. It is really draining emotionally. over the 3 years of treatment i must of spent and entire year just in the hospital with her.

That's crazy, can't imagine 3 years of this. So she survived with whipple? That's great
And indeed i've had no choice but to become selfish lately cause i was starting to come apart at the seams

[wave_length]

Lost my mom 10 years ago. You can’t really prepare, just be with her as much as you can while it's still possible. But also take care of yourself.

[stezus]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I'd try to stay in close contact with her palliative care team. Usually they do offer substantial bereavement support.

I don't even know that she has a palliative team at the moment, i just figured we'd keep doing this until hospice

[stezus]

Lost my mom 10 years ago. You can’t really prepare, just be with her as much as you can while it's still possible. But also take care of yourself.

Sorry to hear. How has it been over the years; gotten better?

[8pieces]

Definitely



That's crazy, can't imagine 3 years of this. So she survived with whipple? That's great
And indeed i've had no choice but to become selfish lately cause i was starting to come apart at the seams

yes since it was so early the following chemo and radiation got rid of it. She had loads of other issues (shingles being one of them) because of the whipple. it took for ever and multiple other surgeries just to correct her digestion. She still has digestion issues but is living almost a normal life. I would suggest comforting your mom as much as possible but if she passes just focus on you.

[rdper76]

Write down everything you want to say to her and say it to her. Regret is the worst thing. As long as you actually say all you want to say, you should be fine.

Just know that there is no heaven or hell, it's just dreamless sleep like before you were born. She'll be at peace.

[manmore350]

Hey Op,

I went through the same experience. Our doctor gave my mother 2 months to live and she last almost exactly two months. The pain that she had gone through and experience has changed me forever. My biggest regret was that I did not spend more time with her. There were times when she was completely incapacitated and I just went home and ate dinner but now I feel I should have been by her side. Anything I mean ANYTHING you can do to provide pleasure for her in her last moments will be beautiful. If she can eat.. her favorite foods, favorite music, movies, memories. Talk about the great life that she has and the memories that you shared. It may be hard but I regret heavily not doing the same.

When my mother took her last breaths at home I was with her and she was looking into our eyes. The death definitely was not peaceful. It was harsh and I prey the morphine had helped. I believe I had helped by being around in these moments and comforting her. I’m happy she did not die alone.

Also one thing that happened to our family during that time... many people tried to add their 2 cents, alternative treatment options, and it added to the chaos. Try to only surround yourself with positive people during this time. It’s been two years for me.. but those moments still haunt me and I still have regrets. Pancreatic cancer is ****ing awful.

How old is your mother? Mine was 67.

[stezus]

yes since it was so early the following chemo and radiation got rid of it. She had loads of other issues (shingles being one of them) because of the whipple. it took for ever and multiple other surgeries just to correct her digestion. She still has digestion issues but is living almost a normal life. I would suggest comforting your mom as much as possible but if she passes just focus on you.

That is great to beat the odds, it was our hope when it was found at stage 2

Write down everything you want to say to her and say it to her. Regret is the worst thing. As long as you actually say all you want to say, you should be fine.

Just know that there is no heaven or hell, it's just dreamless sleep like before you were born. She'll be at peace.

The first part is great advice i'll use. The second, with that mentality i'd never get over it

[wave_length]

Sorry to hear. How has it been over the years; gotten better?

It gets much better. Coincidentally, I also found the love of my life at the same time, which helped a lot. She was able to give me a lot of support since she's been through a similar thing with her father.

[mesobuild]

Men in my family a generation older than mine still gather for her birthday and regular things like this to keep them straight.

[NDMD]

I don't even know that she has a palliative team at the moment, i just figured we'd keep doing this until hospice

Navigating the system can be a damn pain and many people fall through cracks without getting the support they should be receiving. I would certainly look into this - getting in touch with her oncologist might be a good way of doing it.

[stezus]

Hey Op,

I went through the same experience. Our doctor gave my mother 2 months to live and she last almost exactly two months. The pain that she had gone through and experience has changed me forever. My biggest regret was that I did not spend more time with her. There were times when she was completely incapacitated and I just went home and ate dinner but now I feel I should have been by her side. Anything I mean ANYTHING you can do to provide pleasure for her in her last moments will be beautiful. If she can eat.. her favorite foods, favorite music, movies, memories. Talk about the great life that she has and the memories that you shared. It may be hard but I regret heavily not doing the same.

When my mother took her last breaths at home I was with her and she was looking into our eyes. The death definitely was not peaceful. It was harsh and I prey the morphine had helped. I believe I had helped by being around in these moments and comforting her. I’m happy she did not die alone.

Also one thing that happened to our family during that time... many people tried to add their 2 cents, alternative treatment options, and it added to the chaos. Try to only surround yourself with positive people during this time. It’s been two years for me.. but those moments still haunt me and I still have regrets. Pancreatic cancer is ****ing awful.

How old is your mother? Mine was 67.

That is good advice thanks. Sorry you experienced all that.
Your mom had pancreatic cancer?
My mom is only 56, and was in good health

[Better Unborn]

You can't logic your way through it. You will need to go through the entire grieving process. That's the only way to really heal. Tylenol for when heartache is too much.

I would try to spend as much time with your mom and try to make happy memories. Talk about stuff you thought were stupid to ask. Anything you were ever curious about. Tell her you love her. You are lucky enough to be able to say goodbye. Don't waste that time and opportunity.

[manmore350]

That is good advice thanks. Sorry you experienced all that.
Your mom had pancreatic cancer?
My mom is only 56, and was in good health

Yeah it was pancreatic cancer. My mom had poor health.. she actually had Parkinson’s disease amongst other issues.

One day she woke up
Completely yellow and then we took her to the hospital and they gave the diagnosis.

Probably the worst few months of my life. After this happened I literally quit my job and moved to Cali and started to “yolo” because after this experience you are going to be very aware of your own mortality and death. It’s a reminder to live your best life possible and treat everyone with love.

[2RDEYE]

i don't think u can prepare for it. i lost my mom to cancer when i was like 10 years old cause of ****in idiot doctors misdiagnosis, the doctor kept saying she just had stomach ulcers when it was stomach cancer.

if u ever had any loved one die before it's soul shredding

[BishsBMirin]

Any loss is going to be extremely difficult. And please don't take this the wrong way, but appreciate the time you have left. Because you are fortunate to have it. Don't let your grieving process start already or you'll be full of regret. I lost my little brother this summer and I still don't know how to deal with it. It's never easy whether it's expected or not. Just don't try to hold your emotions in and fight them off because it will eat you alive. What's helped me is when I start to think about it, I let myself fully take it in and let every thought run it's course. It will get you to the acceptance stage of grief a lot easier than trying to block it out. Just spend the rest of her time with her and enjoy it as much as you can. You're going to have feelings of regret come on whether it's justified or not but that's normal.

[Hangfire]

I was also caretaker of my mom during her death from cancer.

Manmore350s advice is very good. I would add that if you have anything to say or discuss with her do it soon. Don't wait until the final weeks or days, as if it's not sudden - she will likely be incapacitated or incapable of conversation towards the end. It will not be a Hollywood ending.

I would also absolutely discuss her past. Happy memories, bad memories, pieces of your family history that you did not know. Get this all out, and possibly even record it via audio or note taking. You will appreciate this later, and you may learn things you otherwise never would discuss.

As far as the end and after, to be honest I almost felt a sense of relief. It's a hard thing to explain to someone who hasn't gone through it. Unlike an unexpected death, cancer can be a long and brutal process. My mother's death meant her pain had ended - and for the last month or so when there was no point in fighting, there was little for her to do except suffer. For me, while I saw it as just another step in life, it was also months of an awful process. When it ended, I was free of that and able to move forward.

Be there for her. Best wishes.

[Leaf12]

Fuk brah that's brutal.
I would say be around her if she needs anything and definitely don't let yourself fall apart. Stay strong until the process is over with.

Not a good way to go. But watching her go downhill will be depressing AF

[PISTELERO]

Circle of life brother

Time Marches on

I'm sorry for your troubles

[stezus]

It gets much better. Coincidentally, I also found the love of my life at the same time, which helped a lot. She was able to give me a lot of support since she's been through a similar thing with her father.

Figures, a lot of people i know that go through this found or had some significant other

Men in my family a generation older than mine still gather for her birthday and regular things like this to keep them straight.

Just the men?

Navigating the system can be a damn pain and many people fall through cracks without getting the support they should be receiving. I would certainly look into this - getting in touch with her oncologist might be a good way of doing it.

I'll look into that

You can't logic your way through it. You will need to go through the entire grieving process. That's the only way to really heal. Tylenol for when heartache is too much.

I would try to spend as much time with your mom and try to make happy memories. Talk about stuff you thought were stupid to ask. Anything you were ever curious about. Tell her you love her. You are lucky enough to be able to say goodbye. Don't waste that time and opportunity.

Thanks
Tylenol though for heartache?

Yeah it was pancreatic cancer. My mom had poor health.. she actually had Parkinson’s disease amongst other issues.

One day she woke up
Completely yellow and then we took her to the hospital and they gave the diagnosis.

Probably the worst few months of my life. After this happened I literally quit my job and moved to Cali and started to “yolo” because after this experience you are going to be very aware of your own mortality and death. It’s a reminder to live your best life possible and treat everyone with love.

Man that's rough
I'm tempted to go back to the city and have fun like i did for a few years but not sure it can be that way

i don't think u can prepare for it. i lost my mom to cancer when i was like 10 years old cause of ****in idiot doctors misdiagnosis, the doctor kept saying she just had stomach ulcers when it was stomach cancer.

if u ever had any loved one die before it's soul shredding

How has it been over the years?

[Smudge_]

See it from the positive side, all her suffering will end and she will enter a temporary peaceful bliss until the next life
All that is living will die... and all that dies will live again, such is the cycle
You will meet her again

/thread

[mesobuild]

Just the men?

No. I think the men need a social compass more than women do because men live less socially-driven.

[Better Unborn]

Thanks
Tylenol though for heartache?

yup. multiple studies have shown that heartache is treated the same as physical pain by your brain and acetaminophen numbs both. Don't abuse it because numbing just extends your healing time further and further... but man do you sometimes need a break just to keep the rest of your life together.