Why Do I Compete?

[shanpres]

I am 10 weeks out from my seventh female figure competition and I have to go back home this weekend to say goodbye to my dad who is dying of cancer and as screwed up as this sounds, all I can think about is how I'm going to get through the weekend without cheating on my diet while I'm back there with them. Somewhere around mile 2 this morning it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I suddenly realized that my real competition isn't 10 weeks from now. It's this weekend. It's when I go home, am surrounded by my chain-smoking, ice cream addict, alcoholic father and over-bearing, manipulative sister that I see how strong I really am.

Why do I compete? I don't compete because of aestetics. I don't compete to look "hot" (although I do love those side benefits). It's not about winning some stupid piece of plastic trophy. It's going home, being slammed in the face with self-indulgent, weak, narcissists and choosing instead to be a strong, self-controlled individual who does not simply give in when the going gets tough. It's proving to myself that I am not him, I am not her, I am me and I can choose to be whomever I want to be. I do not have to drink when my feelings of sadness and regret try to overwhelm me. I do not have to stuff my feelings down with pizza and ice cream because it sucks to feel those feelings. No. Instead I can choose to feel those crappy feelings, recognize them, not be triggered by them and choose to go to the gym and lift some heavy chit instead and make myself, my body and my mind stronger. THAT's why I compete. And I don't care if you don't understand it or like it or want to do it. I do. It works for me. It makes me feel alive and better than killing myself slowly with alcohol and food. And I'm ok with that.

I am going to dig deep this weekend and stay strong and not give in no matter how freakin bad I may want to quit or indulge a little. Because that is going to feel better than winning any plastic trophy could ever feel.