Desperate & need all the help I can get

[Little Nessi]

I know this is my 3rd journal and I really suck at keeping up with these and my workouts and each time I get allllll geared up I loose hope and give up.

So I've decided to type out all my confessions, self destructive mind sets etc. and hope that someone out there slaps some sense into me, helps keep me motivated & accountable and will attempt to hold my hand... I do realize that in the end it really is up to me to just do it! I guess I just wanna wine a little...

Confessions of a grown up in need of a good B!%C# slap:

Part of me feels like a weakling because I can't lift heavy and feel like I'll never see results with the puny weights that I lift. Most arm stuff is with 10# DBs. I can't do lunges because they hurt my knees...

Also I don't know how to eat or use food to fuel my body. Food has always been the enemy to me and all the "diets" that I've tried have only left me with food-phobias (eg. carbs are bad). At one point I would just nurse a cup of coffee all day and then have a little salad without dressing at the end of the day. I would go to the gym and do stair master for hours - the numbers on the scale looked good and that has left a lasting imprint - basically it's what I strive to be again - but can't do it and know it's not healthy! It has f*@&ed up my body image!!!!!

Another confession - I have an obsession with the numbers on the scale and I tend to give up when the numbers climb However, I saw a few journals and pix that show before & after pix of the person at the same weight and I'm amazed that the same weight can be THAT different... it kind of made me realize that my current weight is not necessarily a bad number... just a bad look (if that made sense)?

My other confession
My main problem areaS seems to be the MOST impossible to get rid of and I'm thoroughly convinced that's there is no hope... my problem area(s) in order from worse to bad:

* Mid section (OMFG - what is this???? I have back fat, love handles, spare tires you name it I've got it - if you lost it I found it for ya and I'm holding on to it for dear f'ing life)

* boobs - they are JUST huge and on my tiny frame make me look fat... If I had a flat tummy they'd be nice - but it just looks like my tummy is so fat it has no where to go so it's being squeezed into my bra. Think michelin tire puff guy... soooo not attractive!

* arms - You'd think I could fly with my wings!! God forbid I wave at someone... my arm keeps the wave going like a damn ball game!!!

* Chins - it's not just 1 anymore... I never agreed to pluralizing my chin!!!

Now on to some other tidbits...

I'm breastfeeding, my son is 11 months old. I do supplement with formula since I worry he's not getting enough.

I am 4 lbs below pre preg weight (this is the numbers thing I was talking about) however I don't fit into my size 00 per preg jeans the same way... lil muffin TOP!!!!!!!

I am 4'8"ish and my current weight (I don't believe I'm going to type this on a public message board) is OMG here goes.... deep breath - 108! Bah!!! My all time favorite weight was 88lbs. I know - don't yell at me... I'm not tall!!! granted I do think that it's a little toooo skinny.

I live in the mountains and I won't take my son out when it's below freezing to walk. I don't have a gym membership but I do have an indoor trainer (stationary or outdoor bike) for my cardio, I also have a wonderful weight bench with lots of bells & whistles. I do have some free weights tool.

My weight bench is flat or incline able. may even be decline able, has leg attachments, has a lat pull down station, preacher curl and I'm sure some others that I can't think of.... only thing I can't do with it is row.

all that said....HELP! where should I start? do you need more info?

My diet? hmmm kind of something like this...

m1 - 2 eggs, turkey bacon and 1/3c oatmeal
m2 - homemade oatmeal bar and a small handful of nuts (1oz approx)
m3 - plain lf yogurt with blueberries. not a huge serving but not measured
m4 - either 1 slice wheat toast with natural PB - OR same as m2
m5 - chicken & veggies. Not measured but eat until full

I do mix up my foods but these things are what I mostly eat (as of recently).

There it is!

Any help would be greatly appreciated!!!

[Little Nessi]

Since I don't have an actual plan laid out for me I just did little bits of this and that. Basically it was a trial run and an attempt to establish action. I always have the bright idea to get active on a Friday and think I'll start on Monday... Yeah - Monday never comes - at least by way of DOING anything.

So did some push-ups, crunches, squats, DB stuff and bicycle.

One thing I've noticed is that when I graze throughout the day I get hot flashes. I'm wondering if this is normal? Could it be my metab firing up?? I've noticed it in the past when I "got serious" and buckled down as well - so it's not a 1st time I'm noticing this. Any insight would be nice.

I've decided that DH & I are going to embark on the BFL journey. I have this weekend to prep our meals, create our routines and then start on Monday... I will keep active and graze this weekend just to get a jump start.

I plan on taking measurements & photos tomorrow to mark our starting point.

HOPEFULLY this time around will be more rewarding for me and I believe I'm in a much better head space to actually focus on my short term & long term goals rather than be discouraged by amount of time to reach the goals. I'll have to just do it and see what happens.

Also, now that my son is 10 months old, I believe it'll be much easier getting out in colder weather. He was born preemie and as a new mom leaving the house scared the crap out of me...

There's my day's mind..

[Little Nessi]

Got up today and the hubby & I went out to the garage and this is what we did:

Chest/Shoulders/Triceps/Back/Biceps

Bench press - 12, 10, 8, 6, 12
DB Flyes - 12

Seated DB Press - 12, 10, 8, 6, 12
Front raises - 12

Tri kickbacks - 12, 10, 8, 6, 12
Over head tri ext - 12

DB curls - 12, 10, 8, 6, 12
Hammer curls - 12

Wide grip lat pull downs - 12, 10, 8, 6, 12
Straight arm pull downs - 12

As for food:

M1 - 1/2C egg whites, mushrooms, 1/3C oat meal
M2 - 3.5 oz Turkey, 1/2C pumpkin
M3 - Apple, 2 HB egg whites

Not too sure what's on the rest of the menu - but we have portions of "allowed" foods ready to eat in the fridge.. so prob crab, chick, turk, and veggies with each to make our 6 meals.

hubby & I felt really good today after our workout. Actually felt energized instead of sluggish and lazy

Tomorrow is 20 mins HIIT.

[Little Nessi]

Well today is 20 mins of HIIT. Just putting on my shoes to do that

Food was good today... 2 more meals to go. I can't remember what I ate exactly but it was egg whites, sweet potato, oatmeal, crab, chicken, Ezekiel bread, cucumbers, tomato and some other clean stuff... all broken up in small meals.

Anyway that's my update for today... I'm on kind of a time crunch.

[Little Nessi]

Oh my... so last night the hubby and I did 20 mins of HIIT on our indoor trainer (bike), and wow... I made the mistake of doing it later in the day and it revved me up before bed - so I really didn't sleep well. On top of that my 10 month old is cutting his top teeth and decided to scream allllll night long.

However, I got up this morning and did my WO - I can hardly walk!!!

BB Squats - 12, 10, 8, 6, 12
Leg extension - 12

Straight leg deadlifts - 12, 10, 8, 6, 12
Leg curls - 12

Standing calf raises - 12, 10, 8, 6, 12
Seated calf raises - 12

Floor crunches - 12, 10, 8, 6, 12
oblique crunches 12

Not sure all my food - but I have clean food in portions already set out.

M1 - 1/2C egg white, 1/2C oatmeal, tomato small amount of butter

That's all she wrote so far - other than the fact I am in soooo much pain already! I dread tomorrow!!!

[Little Nessi]

I posted elsewhere, but is it normal to get really hot after eating clean?

[Little Nessi]

OMG I am in a world of hurt!!! I can barely walk... I have NO idea what I'll be doing for my HIIT today - but I'll figure something out.