Wife & I both think the other is not appreciating our own efforts, so I offered...

[Condo41]

***update on page 5 post# 137***

Wife and I had a "state of the union" discussion to stress test and take some temperatures about how we're both doing in our marriage.

We both came to a similarly selfish conclusion that

She thinks I am not appreciative of her efforts and I should be doing more

I think she is not appreciative of my efforts and she should be doing more

So, as an exercise, I suggested we both go away and privately write down the regular/expected chores we do. And also...write down the same for the other person.

Then we'll share our lists with eachother.

This should be very telling about the transparency and scope of our own efforts and what is being seen or not seen.

And then after that, we'll consider trading some of the tasks so that we can grow our appreciation for what the other has been doing.

The thing is, my list is every so often but high physicality stuff. So like, mow lawn, trim bushes, clean debris, power wash siding, shovel snow, cleaning the chicken coop. These things happen once a week to multiple weeks and are seasonal tasks.

While hers are every day but low physicality like laundry, feeding the dogs, and that sort of thing.

So...I'll be curious to see how this goes. Any criticisms yall have to these ideas? Let me know if you think any of thus needs a pivot or should not be done at all or if it's a good idea.

[XcelerateNYC]

Guaranteed OP will be divorced within 10 years. Probably more like 5.

Guaranteed.

The ONLY thing that will save this marriage is if they both become bible believing Christians.

[BearyManilowe]

Is this some shut that people actually do? Holy fukk talk about dysfunctional.

Also if your list doesn't include anal, you've messed up.

[proudmanglet]

She probably resents you for being dumb enough to invest in GME (srs)

[shmobin]

I am so lucky that all I have to do is fuk and all this other nonsense sorts itself out. If I didn't have that kind of arrangement, I'd be single.

[Condo41]

Is this some shut that people actually do? Holy fukk talk about dysfunctional.

Also if your list doesn't include anal, you've messed up.

Weird response...This is literally what nondysfunctional people do. You talk about things.

[DustinTheHuss]

I think it's a good idea. I know some married couples who have had marriage counselors suggest an annual review of what is working and what isn't working in one's marriage.

[Condo41]

She probably resents you for being dumb enough to invest in GME (srs)

I don't see how this applies to anything I said, and I am still up on GME to this day

[friesbruh]

i would start considering ways to segregate then control assets in case of a worst-case scenario but not to the extent that it becomes self-fulling prophecy (ded fkn srs).

[Condo41]

Guaranteed OP will be divorced within 10 years. Probably more like 5.

Guaranteed.

The ONLY thing that will save this marriage is if they both become bible believing Christians.

We're both born again Christians. We're lifegroup leaders at our church.

[ralphlaurenbrah]

She resents you because she has to go to work SRS.

Nearly woman deep down wants to be a stay at home mom getting creampied daily and pumped full of even more babies. The fact that she has to work because you can’t provide enough to have her stay home will piss her off.

[OliverHeldens]

When I see stuff like this, it makes me happy that I haven't ever even considered getting married.

[Condo41]

I am so lucky that all I have to do is fuk and all this other nonsense sorts itself out. If I didn't have that kind of arrangement, I'd be single.

It's a really good thing that you are so aware of your inability to be responsible for key tasks and relationship building skills. Keep to your comfort zone man! Good plan

[Condo41]

She resents you because she has to go to work SRS.

Nearly woman deep down wants to be a stay at home mom getting creampied daily and pumped full of even more babies. The fact that she has to work because you can’t provide enough to have her stay home will piss her off.

She doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to. I alone was taxed on 225k in 2022. We have plenty of money. No debt outside of mortgage. 3 cars paid off. So...doesn't really apply

[Condo41]

When I see stuff like this, it makes me happy that I haven't ever even considered getting married.

Ya man i admit it is hard work, you have to be willing to try. If you're not willing to put forth the effort then it definitely isn't for you

[ralphlaurenbrah]

She doesn't have to work if she doesn't want to. I alone was taxed on 225k in 2022. We have plenty of money. No debt outside of mortgage. 3 cars paid off. So...doesn't really apply

Why is she working then? Makes no sense why she would want to work unless you don’t have kids and don’t plan on having them. If she works full time like you then she will def expect you to do the dishes, laundry, or she will resent you SOOOOO much and it will ruin the relationship

[Condo41]

i would start considering ways to segregate then control assets in case of a worst-case scenario but not to the extent that it becomes self-fulling prophecy (ded fkn srs).

What? Lol it's a simple discussion of choose like laundry. I'm not going to start segregating assets holy sh*t haha

[Legendsneverdie]

op hold your ground. the worst you can do is compromise. women claim they want that but will ultimately see you as beta if you compromise. make sure she understands that you are better than her she she needs to fix this if your staying around much longer. masculinity is strength and not neutering yourself to please her. trying to please her will never work. she needs to please you.

[LateShow]

Hopefully your wife is rational. Most (99%+) aren’t, and only run off of emotions. If she’s rational, it’ll be interesting to see how she feels about. Me and my wife have it divided fairly evenly, so it isn’t much of an issue.

But if she’s irrational, you’ll have to change something so she views it as a win i.e. get her pregnant so she can quit working and only do her chores

[Condo41]

Why is she working then? Makes no sense why she would want to work unless you don’t have kids and don’t plan on having them. If she works full time like you then she will def expect you to do the dishes, laundry, or she will resent you SOOOOO much and it will ruin the relationship

Like you said, we don't have kids.

She works because she is a normal human being with skills that can be leveraged for money.

[Mark604]

I mean if you guys are writing down lists to prove you're doing more then the other person it sounds like there's some underlying resentment towards eachother that goes deeper than chores.

You'll both be fluffing your lists up to make it longer than it should be to shove it in each other's faces trying to make the other feel inferior. Who cares if mowing the lawn takes more energy, you're a man and she's not.

Some wobbly ground my friend.

[Condo41]

I mean if you guys are writing down lists to prove you're doing more then the other person it sounds like there's some underlying resentment towards eachother that goes deeper than chores.

You'll both be fluffing your lists up to make it longer than it should be to shove it in each other's faces trying to make the other feel inferior. Who cares if mowing the lawn takes more energy, you're a man and she's not.

Some wobbly ground my friend.

We won't do that, we like eachother a lot. Not worried about that.

And if something stupid is on eachothers list, I can see us laughing and making fun of it and making the other laugh about it.

I think you're just being a classic miscer who wants to make a small thing into a big thing. Like the guy above who thinks talking about these efforts to come up with a solution together is a reason to get a divorce lol

[OneLegSquats]

Actual solution: Hire a housecleaner to do that chit for you. Worth the money in time saved alone

[azzspankr]

I never understood the laundry and dishes thing

You throw laundry and dirty dishes in a machine and they do the work. It's really not all that hard.

[Condo41]

Actual solution: Hire a housecleaner to do that chit for you. Worth the money in time saved alone

It's not worth the money at all. We had a housecleaning for a few months. Wasn't worth it

[DolphinPilot]

This doesn't sound too good. I mean a lot of married couples get into this crap of expectancies and the like. Refusing to do X because she doesn't do Y. She doesn't do Y because he doesn't do X. Id say be a little more selfless and stop keeping score.

I think it's a good idea. I know some married couples who have had marriage counselors suggest an annual review of what is working and what isn't working in one's marriage.

Yeah make sure you take marriage advice from this clown ^^

[Titansfan08]

Not sure how good of an idea it is to write down lists

We think of it as a team and there are days she does more than me and days were I do more than her. We acknowledge each other and are appreciative and give each other days to be lazier than the other.

[BearyManilowe]

Weird response...This is literally what nondysfunctional people do. You talk about things.

Bro normal people don't need to make fukking lists of household chores and say they don't feel appreciated. That's some full on beta **** chit.

[rectifryer]

Do some of the day to day stuff. Its far harder to be consistent.

[bhicks3712]

TLDR
Op when you are married you become one flesh

There is no mandatory choirs you should be doing things to help her and vise versu. Read the Bible op take your beloved to church marriage is awesome can’t wait to be married one day srs