O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[Mark1T]

Pakistan is getting dozens of F-16s.

Yes, this is the right thread.

[Lou1se]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his front row seat and shouts, "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK wise guy. You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing:

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[Lou1se]

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests.

Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.

He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says.

Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to,

So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.

"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

[Lou1se]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says , 'Male or female?'

Customer says , 'Female.'

Counter guy asks , 'Black or white?

Customer says , 'White.'

Counter guy asks , 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says , 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says , 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[steffo99]

unidentified 035 miscer
----
edit: Couldn't help laughing at this..showed on Tosh.0. Dem feet.

[jtroster]

The old rabbi was dying. His sons gathered around his bed, trying to make his last journey comfortable.

They gave him some warm milk to drink but he refused.

One of his sons took the glass back to the kitchen. He had come in from Colorado, where marijuana is legal.

He opened a vial of cannabis oil, and mixed a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at the rabbi's bed, he held the glass to his father’s lips.

The rabbi drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, he had drunk the whole glass.

“Father,” said the eldest son, "please share some wisdom with us before you go."

The rabbi raised himself up in bed. A sage look came over his face, and then he said, "Do not sell that cow."

[Mark1T]

[Lou1se]

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
-Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US. Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General Douglas MacArthur -


'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

'Airspeed, Altitude and Brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'

[steffo99]

I want one.

[JOHN GARGANI]

thanks for all the laughs, Louise!!

Someone told a new one to me at the office the other day:

a Senior joins a nudist beach, and as he is walking along, he notices a particularly ravishing young blonde, in which he miraculously gets an erection: the Blonde says to him: "you called?"

"er, I what?"

" you called" said the Blond, we have a rule that if someone stirs an erection from you , then you have sex, in which she immediately pulls him aside and does the dirty with him....

now walking with a smile on his face, he happens to pass wind...then , a big Hairy Guy says " you called?"

The senior says "what?????"

to which the guy replies: " we have a rule on the beach, that if you fart before another guy, that is an invitation", in which he then pulls the hesitant senior aside and "does him"...

Furious, the Senior rushes back to the main office and says: " I don't care if I lose my entire entry fee, but I am quitting this beach"

"Why" asked the clerk....

" Because at my age, I'm lucky if I get an erection once a month, but I fart at least 35 times a day!!!!"

[whatevergirl]

[Mark1T]

Come with me, if you want to live.

[steffo99]

lol

[Lou1se]

Actually, I am trying to make friends outside ******** while applying the same principles.
So every day, I go down to the street and I explain to passersby what I ate, how I feel, what I did yesterday, what I'm doing, what I'm going to do tomorrow ....
I also listen to people's conversations and I tell them "I LIKE! ". And I tell them when I take a break,,.
And it works : I already have three followers :
two police men and a psychiatrist.

[Mark1T]

Actually, I am trying to make friends outside ******** while applying the same principles.
So every day, I go down to the street and I explain to passersby what I ate, how I feel, what I did yesterday, what I'm doing, what I'm going to do tomorrow ....
I also listen to people's conversations and I tell them "I LIKE! ". And I tell them when I take a break,,.
And it works : I already have three followers :
two police men and a psychiatrist.

I Like that, Louise I can't wait until you start making videos of everything you do, as long as it's PG rated

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

I Like that, Louise I can't wait until you start making videos of everything you do, as long as it's PG rated

How old r u?

Teen misc ------------------------------------------>

[Lou1se]

And here's something for those of you who are bored of being bored
because being bored is so...soooooo B O R I N G.

yawn...


http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/funny/swf/kill.swf

[Mark1T]

And here's something for those of you who are bored of being bored
because being bored is so...soooooo B O R I N G.

yawn...


http://unix.rulez.org/~calver/funny/swf/kill.swf

[poundXpound]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[Lou1se]

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

"Is everything okay, mate?" the bartender asks.

"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day!”

[Lou1se]

Parliament = Congress

[Lou1se]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico ...

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.'

[Lou1se]

Some people simply must win

[Mark1T]

G'day, Ms. Louise

[Lou1se]

Howdy Mark, I hope you were far away from all that bad weather I saw in the news a couple of days ago. Tornadoes and floods.. just terrible.

About to watch A Bit of Fry and Laurie. Have a great day

[DocHoss]

Cheers Louise! You always put a smile on my face. The bullfight one is a classic

[Lou1se]

UR welcome Doc. It's difficult to find new jokes that are worth posting...no matter, they still give me a chuckle.

And readers, feel free to contribute your funnies.


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

"Sure," they said, "you’re welcome".

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I’m a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!” was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here".

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. "This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The b!tch!"

He turned to the hit man. “How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you: One thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

“Sure, what do you want?”

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, so just shoot his d!ck off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

“Are you gonna do it or not?" asked the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly . . . . ."I think I can save ya a grand here."

[Lou1se]

I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday.
They don't make them like they're going to anymore.

[Lou1se]

It is not a good time for ants.