How Serious Are These Red Flags?

[BulletDodged]

So around 5-6 weeks ago I broke up with my ex. I was the one who told her to leave my house and initiated the breakup as she continusly argued with me.

The root cause of the problem is, that she is combative. She can be super loving & sweet, then over something minor, can suddenly switch to getting angry and combative.

In the 9 months we dated she also disrespected me twice, which lead to me walking away from her.

01. We had a date set up for 5pm Friday, she didn't turn up, because the night before, she went to a friends house, got very drunk and slept through the entire following day, missing our date. Later in the same night she messaged me to ask how I was? But absolutely no apology about the date or even mentioned the date that we had. This infuriated me.

I ignored her.

She then text me to ask if I will be meeting her later tonight? So I just ignored her text and went on my business. She then lost her mind and called me 18x, I didn't pick up, she then got her cousin to drive her 30 miles to my house and she turned up at my door.

After a conversation with her and letting her know that she didn't turn up for the date, she eventually apologized and started pleading for another chance, so I let it go because it was a first strike.

02. We had booked a holiday for 10 days to Turkey. The weekend before we was meant to fly out, me and her had a little disagreement over where we would stay for the weekend. Her house or my house. She suddenly raised her voice and told me to "Shut The Fack Up"

I told her straight up, don't even dream of talking to me like that. She didn't apologise, and started giving me the silent treatment. I told her that I will be leaving in the morning as I won't tolerate being spoke to in an abusive manner.
The following morning while she slept, I left her house and came straight to work.

When she woke up and realised I had left, she sent me the following text message.

"It's best to end things, seeing as you don't talk" I still want to go on this holiday, we can still go and do our own thing when we get there.

I replied back and told, her that I am good with the break up and will be cancelling the holiday and will send her half the money back.

Two days later? She starts blowing up my phone wanting to talk, said she doesn't want to lose me and I can't just ignore her.
Anyway after a couple of days of her pleading I caved in and gave her another chance.

So what do I like about her?

Well she is age 25, very attractive, solid 9 body and at times she is very loving and effectionate. When things are good, we are very good together. The sex was excellent and very compatible.

Now that I have had some time apart from her, the red flags have become much more apparent to me.

I would like your opinion on the red flags, as my brain tells me that I should walk away from her for good and remain NC it's even possible that she has some type of disorder.


01. She has an agressive/combative streak and once annoyed becomes argumentative and challenging. This doesn't happen constantly, but at least once every two weeks, she would become combative.

She was kinda combative from day one when I met her, it's not like something that developed later. She has this masculine energy about her sometimes. I always checked her on her bratty attitude, but after a while it becomes tiresome. She can be feminine too, but her masculine side makes an ugly appearance just too often.

It's not only with me, she has had some combative situations with some work colleagues too in the past, so my feeling is, that this angry side to her, is ingrained in her personality.

02. She is addicted to social media, Instagram, ********, Snapchat, Tik Tok, she is even in some group chats. She doesn't really post sexy/nude/bikini pictures, however she does post selfies posing etc in order to get attention & validation. And she uses her phone waaay too much!

03. She had lots of male friends.. More male friends than actually girls, this is what she told me herself. Once she got into an LTR with me, she cut out the males, because I told her it's not acceptable. (I am sure she still kept a few around though) girls are sneaky like that. Obviously her male friends want to Fuk her.

04. She has had depression for quite a good few years. Has been on anti depressants on/off. I am pretty sure it's effected her personality and there is some past trauma from her childhood.

05. Her father passed away when she was young due to alcoholism, so there is likely some daddy issues. She is now raised by a single mother. I can imagine living in an environment with an alcoholic was not easy.

06. Alcohol is a massive factor in her life, all her family & even most her freinds are big drinkers. They are Luthuainin & Russian and drinking is the norm for them on a regular basis.

07. Ex party girl. She did quite alot of clubs/bars before she met me. Once she got into an LTR with me she quit all that, however party girls can slide back into that lifestyle quite easily if there freinds are doing it especially when her interest level is lower over time or when she is bored of the relationship.

08. She has a friend that is a h0e. She admitted herself that she has a h0e past, and for a while she didn't hang around with her, but recently began seeing her again. However this friend has boyfriend now.

09. She doesn't know how to apologize. She will cause a drama, at best she will come over and give me a kiss, but she will be never apologize or accept she did anything wrong.

10. At the age of 25, her body count is 10 or possibly more. Seems a little high to me.

11. Date 4 she told me that "She has no filter and when someone annoys her, she will say whatever she wants" I should have listened to her lol

This ended a little nasty between us, as we both said some hurtful things to eachother, however, enough was enough and I told her to leave my house.

[Vetlus]

Run.

[smashedurgfx10]

Pretty serious

[PapaPrime]

I would maintain distance and try to develop apology boundaries. If she can learn to apologise, then who knows..

As for the random fighting bull****.. is it a case of venting? Cause there's that **** of asking before entering the rabbit hole "are you after comfort or solutions?"

[BulletDodged]

Run.

No kidding. I kinda feel like she has a disorder or something.

Or simply might be just anger issues or daddy issues.

[BulletDodged]

I would maintain distance and try to develop apology boundaries. If she can learn to apologise, then who knows..

As for the random fighting bull****.. is it a case of venting? Cause there's that **** of asking before entering the rabbit hole "are you after comfort or solutions?"

To be honest man... I kinda hope for a solution.

But feels like a lost cause to me.

How do you find a solution for disrespectful behaviour. We all know how bad things can get, if you allow a girlfriend to disrespect you.

Then it's the matter of all those red flags?

How do LTR a girl, have children with her or live with her, with all these issues and potential red flags popping up later down the line.

Seems very RISKY to me

[PapaPrime]

To be honest man... I kinda hope for a solution.

But feels like a lost cause to me.

How do you find a solution for disrespectful behaviour. We all know how bad things can get, if you allow a girlfriend to disrespect you.

Then it's the matter of all those red flags?

How do LTR a girl, have children with her or live with her, with all these issues and potential red flags popping up later down the line.

Seems very RISKY to me

Everything's a risk but it's how you feel, bro. You already sound out the door but this isn't such a wretched situation yet that it sounds like you gotta no contact to escape. I've been through a hell of a relationship though and have faced a lot of trauma in my life aha so I might not be the right person to listen to.. but you are doing well to establish boundaries and maintain them so.. like do what you will, right?

[bradlehman]

The never apologizing thing sounds very familiar to me and at least in my case with my ex was one sign that she 99% has a form of narcissistic personality disorder. Normal people will recognize after the fact when they were in the wrong or at least didn't behave the way they should have and will apologize. For people with some of these personality disorders, it never even occurs to them that they could be at fault for anything, so they either gaslight you to make you think it was your fault or manipulate you with affection into forgetting about it.

[BulletDodged]

Everything's a risk but it's how you feel, bro. You already sound out the door but this isn't such a wretched situation yet that it sounds like you gotta no contact to escape. I've been through a hell of a relationship though and have faced a lot of trauma in my life aha so I might not be the right person to listen to.. but you are doing well to establish boundaries and maintain them so.. like do what you will, right?

Going with how I "Feel" is the problem bro.

Feelings don't always guide you down the right path and often cloud your judgement.

Therefore advice from people who are not emotionally invested in the situation often helps.

[BulletDodged]

The never apologizing thing sounds very familiar to me and at least in my case with my ex was one sign that she 99% has a form of narcissistic personality disorder. Normal people will recognize after the fact when they were in the wrong or at least didn't behave the way they should have and will apologize. For people with some of these personality disorders, it never even occurs to them that they could be at fault for anything, so they either gaslight you to make you think it was your fault or manipulate you with affection into forgetting about it.

I saw regular patterns of this. She would never apologize or acknowledge she fvked up, however would sometimes come over and give me a kiss instead.

Almost like a kiss will resolve everything.

[bradlehman]

Going with how I "Feel" is the problem bro.

Feelings don't always guide you down the right path and often cloud your judgement.

Therefore advice from people who are not emotionally invested in the situation often helps.

Yes, I purposely tried to talk to people who I felt were unlikely to instinctively just take my side and agree with everything I said when I was trying to sort my situation out. Ultimately, the biggest help was a ploy by my ex that backfired. She kept insisting I was super fuked up, causing the problems in our relationship, and needed to go to therapy. Started seeing this woman for therapy, and it didn't take her long to tell me she thought I was fine but that my ex had a serious personality disorder that was probably never going to get better.

[PapaPrime]

Going with how I "Feel" is the problem bro.

Feelings don't always guide you down the right path and often cloud your judgement.

Therefore advice from people who are not emotionally invested in the situation often helps.

Well.. you're either someone whose gut can be trusted or you're someone whose environment plays a large role in gut response and needs to feel the other variables..

But from your posts to me it sounds like you want out. This chick hasn't broken your trust but she steps over boundaries, right? If the trusts still there you both might grow.. if you can work on developing boundaries that she respects you'll have more experience for future relationships. Grew up around NPD and more.. its ****ing painful and progress is ****ing slow but I dunno This chick's don't sound so severe if it even is NPD.. need to have 5 of these:

Sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success
Entitled
Can only be around people who are important or special
Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
Arrogant
Lack empathy
Must be admired
Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

[BulletDodged]

Well.. you're either someone whose gut can be trusted or you're someone whose environment plays a large role in gut response and needs to feel the other variables..

But from your posts to me it sounds like you want out. This chick hasn't broken your trust but she steps over boundaries, right? If the trusts still there you both might grow.. if you can work on developing boundaries that she respects you'll have more experience for future relationships. Grew up around NPD and more.. its ****ing painful and progress is ****ing slow but I dunno This chick's don't sound so severe if it even is NPD.. need to have 5 of these:

Sense of self-importance
Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success
Entitled
Can only be around people who are important or special
Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
Arrogant
Lack empathy
Must be admired
Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

The trust isn't lost in the sense that she cheated on me... However do I trust her? Probably not.. The first 2-3 months of the relationship random dudes used to call her etc (male friends apparently) it all felt very suspicious to me.

Also talking about trust? Bro over a minor disagreement she disrespected me and told me to "Shut The Fack Up"

Instead of apologising, she added insult to injury and sent me a text message and ended the relationship.

Yes after a few days she reached out and tried to get back with me, however once a girl starts ending the relationship over an disagreement, from that point onwards it's a slippery slope, especially when SHE was at fault.

Having a disagreement is normal, telling your partner to Shut The Fack Up is not normal.

Bro it takes serious efforts to avoid or resolve conflict, from what I have seen of her this masculine/impulsive argumentive side to her, is not going away anywhere soon.

I mean it's kinda her character. She might behave for two months, then she will blow up again.

Then we have mountain of red flags to worry about aswell. Her social media attention seeking is a problem.

Her daddy issues might be a problem.

Also because I was the one who instigated the break up, trying to get her back now 6 weeks later, will make me look pathetic, and will likely result in loss of respect, fueling even worse bad behaviour.

It's not that I don't love her.. I do.. but getting sucked back into this toxic mess, could end very badly for me the second time around.

Some men lose there soul with borderline or toxic woman.

In the 9 months together, there was some kind of drama pretty much every 3 weeks.

[bradlehman]

Some men lose there soul with borderline or toxic woman.

In the 9 months together, there was some kind of drama pretty much every 3 weeks.

Yes, even after we decided to split in May 2022, she moved out in November 2022, and we were officially divorced this past June, there are still days where there is temptation to reach out and try again. Just have to keep reminding myself that I'll just be signing up for the same exact chit as before and that it could be even worse if she's emboldened by my cucking. Just go NC, brah.

[skinnyfat88]

These are 100% legitimate red flags.
People can change as they mature but you guys would absolutely need couples therapy and she'd need therapy on her own to have any hope at a healthy relationship.

Are you okay with the alcohol and her past?
Do you trust her and think she actually wants to change?
Thing is, there are so many things that you want her to change that it's tough to say how compatible you'd even be if she did make some changes because you're literally wanting to date a completely different person just with the same appearance as her.

When it comes to friends of the opposite sex, you need to be able to have an honest conversation with the person you're dating about how each of you feels about this and the friends they have/if there's any history with them (if there is, likely a red flag).
if your significant other and/or their friend(s) aren't eager for you to meet them and be their friends too, red flag.
I have female friends from highschool or further. Never dated or hooked up with any of them and have appropriate boundaries so I believe friends of the opposite sex in itself is not a red flag but each scenario probably needs to be treated viewed individually.

[BulletDodged]

These are 100% legitimate red flags.
People can change as they mature but you guys would absolutely need couples therapy and she'd need therapy on her own to have any hope at a healthy relationship.

Are you okay with the alcohol and her past?
Do you trust her and think she actually wants to change?
Thing is, there are so many things that you want her to change that it's tough to say how compatible you'd even be if she did make some changes because you're literally wanting to date a completely different person just with the same appearance as her.

When it comes to friends of the opposite sex, you need to be able to have an honest conversation with the person you're dating about how each of you feels about this and the friends they have/if there's any history with them (if there is, likely a red flag).
if your significant other and/or their friend(s) aren't eager for you to meet them and be their friends too, red flag.
I have female friends from highschool or further. Never dated or hooked up with any of them and have appropriate boundaries so I believe friends of the opposite sex in itself is not a red flag but each scenario probably needs to be treated viewed individually.

Bro I drink myself on the weekend, but not a heavy drinker.

My ex is Luthuainin [Eastern European] Her whole family are big drinkers. Alcohol is consumed by the bucket load.

Her father died and alcoholic. Imagine if I had children with her, what type of environment my kids could end up in.

Remember she combative, she probably would argue with me on the raising of our children.

My man, my ex is quite hot, probably a solid 7.5 girls her age do not go to couples therapy, they usually just hop onto to the Dik as they have options tucked away through social media.

I didn't end things with her on a whim. She knows herself that she did quite a few things to F the relationship up.

It's been 6 weeks now NC, if she wanted to change for the better she would have contacted me.

The reason why she won't/can't reach out, is because I essentially ended the relationship, by telling her to Leave my house.

If I reach out to her now, I end up giving her the leverage, which will only embolden her to display even worse behaviour.

I can see counciling/therapy helping in a long 2-3-4 year relationship, but for a 9 months relationship, I doubt it would be effective.

[BulletDodged]

Yes, even after we decided to split in May 2022, she moved out in November 2022, and we were officially divorced this past June, there are still days where there is temptation to reach out and try again. Just have to keep reminding myself that I'll just be signing up for the same exact chit as before and that it could be even worse if she's emboldened by my cucking. Just go NC, brah.

Did you end the relationship?

I instigated the break up with my ex after telling her to leave my house. She was being combative once again and I was sick of it.

If I reach out to her now, I give her all the power and leverage. This only emboldens chicks to act out even more and they lose respect for you too, for running back to her.

I think it would have to be her who comes to me, or I simply move the F on.

Even if she did come back, read the red flags and the disrespectful incidents bro.. It will likely be toxic as hell again.

[bradlehman]

Did you end the relationship?

I instigated the break up with my ex after telling her to leave my house. She was being combative once again and I was sick of it.

If I reach out to her now, I give her all the power and leverage. This only emboldens chicks to act out even more and they lose respect for you too, for running back to her.

I think it would have to be her who comes to me, or I simply move the F on.

Even if she did come back, read the red flags and the disrespectful incidents bro.. It will likely be toxic as hell again.

Yeah, I ended it once before in late 2021 but then agreed to go to couples therapy to try to straighten things out, but some of what she said there made it seem less likely that things would actually work out. I agreed to spend some more time working on it though. Once May 2022 came around, we woke up one Sunday morning and she immediately (literally moments after waking up) started complaining again about some random little thing she had blown up about the night before and reiterating that I really needed to work a lot harder to stop causing all these issues. I basically just told her I thought I had done enough and wasn't getting anywhere, so that was basically the end of it. In a sort of a twist, if she hadn't demanded I go to therapy separately a few months earlier so I could stop causing all of our problems, I may never have reached the point where I could end things, or at least more years could have gone down the drain before I did.

Unfortunately, around August 2022 we had to put down the older dog we had shared during our relationship (she had already had him a few years when we met), and she started talking about how she hoped that was what would bring us back together, etc., but I felt like I could recognize that as manipulation and someone trying to draw me back in to what was obviously a toxic situation. There were a few other times before she moved out that she tried to re-establish affection and I had to stay strong.

[PapaPrime]

The trust isn't lost in the sense that she cheated on me... However do I trust her? Probably not.. The first 2-3 months of the relationship random dudes used to call her etc (male friends apparently) it all felt very suspicious to me.

Also talking about trust? Bro over a minor disagreement she disrespected me and told me to "Shut The Fack Up"

Instead of apologising, she added insult to injury and sent me a text message and ended the relationship.

Yes after a few days she reached out and tried to get back with me, however once a girl starts ending the relationship over an disagreement, from that point onwards it's a slippery slope, especially when SHE was at fault.

Having a disagreement is normal, telling your partner to Shut The Fack Up is not normal.

Bro it takes serious efforts to avoid or resolve conflict, from what I have seen of her this masculine/impulsive argumentive side to her, is not going away anywhere soon.

I mean it's kinda her character. She might behave for two months, then she will blow up again.

Then we have mountain of red flags to worry about aswell. Her social media attention seeking is a problem.

Her daddy issues might be a problem.

Also because I was the one who instigated the break up, trying to get her back now 6 weeks later, will make me look pathetic, and will likely result in loss of respect, fueling even worse bad behaviour.

It's not that I don't love her.. I do.. but getting sucked back into this toxic mess, could end very badly for me the second time around.

Some men lose there soul with borderline or toxic woman.

In the 9 months together, there was some kind of drama pretty much every 3 weeks.

Well if you don't trust her then fuggit lol. Can't trust her with your heart then! No reason to not be civil when she reaches out though 😉

[skinnyfat88]

Bro I drink myself on the weekend, but not a heavy drinker.

My ex is Luthuainin [Eastern European] Her whole family are big drinkers. Alcohol is consumed by the bucket load.

Her father died and alcoholic. Imagine if I had children with her, what type of environment my kids could end up in.

If she wants to break the cycle enough and be more reasonable with her consumption, she will. If you don't believe she wants to or is incapable of it and it's a dealbreaker then there's your answer.

Remember she combative, she probably would argue with me on the raising of our children.

My man, my ex is quite hot, probably a solid 7.5 girls her age do not go to couples therapy, they usually just hop onto to the Dik as they have options tucked away through social media.

I didn't end things with her on a whim. She knows herself that she did quite a few things to F the relationship up.

It's been 6 weeks now NC, if she wanted to change for the better she would have contacted me.

The reason why she won't/can't reach out, is because I essentially ended the relationship, by telling her to Leave my house.

If I reach out to her now, I end up giving her the leverage, which will only embolden her to display even worse behaviour.

I can see counciling/therapy helping in a long 2-3-4 year relationship, but for a 9 months relationship, I doubt it would be effective.

If you think she'd rather next you and just hop on the next guy who gives her attention on her social media then it's a lost cause.

You'd have to drop the ego of "leverage," and she would genuinely have to want to change her toxic ways through therapy for this to work (she needs individual therapy no doubt and you'd prob need couples therapy to communicate better without anger). If you think she's too young/immature to care to do so, just walk away.

Like I said before, I don't see what you're hanging onto at this point other than her looks given you basically want her to become a completely different person.
If she wants to become that person for herself and not just for the relationship to work then maybe it's worth a shot. If she doesn't then don't bother.

[BulletDodged]

If she wants to break the cycle enough and be more reasonable with her consumption, she will. If you don't believe she wants to or is incapable of it and it's a dealbreaker then there's your answer.



If you think she'd rather next you and just hop on the next guy who gives her attention on her social media then it's a lost cause.

You'd have to drop the ego of "leverage," and she would genuinely have to want to change her toxic ways through therapy for this to work (she needs individual therapy no doubt and you'd prob need couples therapy to communicate better without anger). If you think she's too young/immature to care to do so, just walk away.

Like I said before, I don't see what you're hanging onto at this point other than her looks given you basically want her to become a completely different person.
If she wants to become that person for herself and not just for the relationship to work then maybe it's worth a shot. If she doesn't then don't bother.

Bro I don't want her to become this completely different human being.

I accepted that she drinks.. I expected that she is addicted to her mobile phone and social media.

I accepted that she has depression and has Daddy Issue's

What I don't accept is being constantly challenged, and disrespected.

You don't need therapy in order to treat your partner with basic respect.

This is something that should come naturally.

[skinnyfat88]

What I don't accept is being constantly challenged, and disrespected.

You don't need therapy in order to treat your partner with basic respect.

This is something that should come naturally.

If that's your mindset then leave her.
For her to learn this while being in a relationship she will almost assuredly need therapy.

[InPhase]

If she is like this now, imagine how bad she will get years down the line when she is more comfortable not having to hold back.

Run.

[BulletDodged]

If she is like this now, imagine how bad she will get years down the line when she is more comfortable not having to hold back.

Run.

This is my FEAR bro.. If she is acting out of hand like this now, argumentive, borderline disrespectful when it's the honeymoon period imagine how bad it could get later down the line when she is more comfortable.

Imagine living with the girl or her ending up pregnant.

Those red flags might not be a big issue right now, but once she has gotten comfortable and realised that she can get away with certain things, I wouldn't be shocked or surprised if she start going to the bars/clubs again or talking to male friends.

[BulletDodged]

Yeah, I ended it once before in late 2021 but then agreed to go to couples therapy to try to straighten things out, but some of what she said there made it seem less likely that things would actually work out. I agreed to spend some more time working on it though. Once May 2022 came around, we woke up one Sunday morning and she immediately (literally moments after waking up) started complaining again about some random little thing she had blown up about the night before and reiterating that I really needed to work a lot harder to stop causing all these issues. I basically just told her I thought I had done enough and wasn't getting anywhere, so that was basically the end of it. In a sort of a twist, if she hadn't demanded I go to therapy separately a few months earlier so I could stop causing all of our problems, I may never have reached the point where I could end things, or at least more years could have gone down the drain before I did.

Unfortunately, around August 2022 we had to put down the older dog we had shared during our relationship (she had already had him a few years when we met), and she started talking about how she hoped that was what would bring us back together, etc., but I felt like I could recognize that as manipulation and someone trying to draw me back in to what was obviously a toxic situation. There were a few other times before she moved out that she tried to re-establish affection and I had to stay strong.

Are you still staying strong with NC

[martinharris21]

Run Forest Run

[BulletDodged]

Run Forest Run

Do you really think so?

[bradlehman]

Are you still staying strong with NC

Yes.

[BulletDodged]

Wow this weekend has been difficult.

Went on a couple of dates and most chicks don't look knowhere near as hot as my ex.

Dating has left me feeling worse than before.

Think I might stay away from dating for a while.

Still having mixed emotions on if I made the correct decision by telling her to leave my house and walking away.

I am trying to keep things in percepective and look at the bigger picture.

Would she had made a good long term partner?

Would she had bought peace to my life or just drama.

Anyone else been in a toxic relationship with a very hot girl and walked away from it?

[BulletDodged]

Pretty serious

Lol nice