Dating & Mental illness.

[mrshester]

Good to hear the other side.. what would you say is the best way to deal with an SO who has anxiety and depression?

Compassion and patience. My husband understands what I deal with and he has never made me feel like I "just make it up". Life was much harder when I was growing up with a father who I love dearly, but treated me like it was all in my head. Like I said, every day is not a bad day for me, even less so since I've been working out. I used to be medicated but I'm also determined enough that I don't want that to control me...I do my best to control myself, but some days are just flat out crying days, leave me the feck alone days, I really don't like you or anyone else and want nothing to do with anyone days. Even though I went through postpartum depression, having our son does make things better for me...not so much time to wallow in whatever when you have a little one dependent on you I refuse to let it control me anymore, but everyone is different who deals with this crap and some are not as strong.

[zipitlisten]

yes and on medication. he'd called her the morning of . . . it's awful how people who are about to kill themselves aren't capable of realising how much their 'final act' impacts others.

last time my SO met her she was wearing his sweater. so definitely not over it by any means.

People who commit suicide are solely thinking about how the world is going to be a better place without them, how they won't be a burden to their loved ones anymore. Sometimes people are so deep in depression they don't see any other way out.
That's why I don't understand when I hear people say stuff like "yeah committing suicide is a cowards way out" say what? It takes a lot of damn courage to kill yourself.

[zipitlisten]

My father has rapid bipolar and anti-social personality disorder. He is remarried to a woman who pretty much takes care of him. She makes sure he takes his medicine, goes to doctors appointments etc. My dad is pretty much medicated to the point where he is just monotone and flat. A shadow of the man he once was..
I'm very thankful he found a woman who loves him apart from the disease. But I myself don't think I could dedicate my life to a mentally sick man. I think my dad's wife suffers from depression herself so I think they kind of help each other.

I honestly don't think I could date/marry a mentally sick individual. I've gone through a lot with my dad and seen all of the heartbreak that comes with it. Suicide attempts, fed him when he couldn't get out of bed due to depression and so on. I don't think I'd put myself in that position.

[Blacksmith80]

My ex was bipolar, and she was really good to me. But it was really hurtful to watch a person that you care for getting depressed really bad from time to time. We broke up bc of her family, not bc of her illness.

[sonti]

I'm not sure. Probably not. I'm not single, so I guess I am thinking 'what if'.

I had terrible postnatal depression after my first child. I'm very happy my husband was so supportive, I cringe now to think of what I put him through. It was temporary (one year), and I have no history of depression so it was more situational.

I suppose that makes me a hypocrite. I think short-term/situational I might cope with, but a lifelong battle, I don't think I'm up for that.

[lotusdeva]

Umm....there are many very bright individuals with bipolar - Patricia Cornwell, Nina Simone, sh*t, even Jean-Claude Van Damme As long they are on the right combo of meds, you are good. A very close member of my family is bipolar - he is probably the most creative and unique person I have ever met. It is a rough ride though.

[LaDonnaMF]

babe you could have ibs and id still <3 u 5ever...but forealsies younger brother has autism, would depend on what it is and how severe

^this if I was told about it before starting a relationship

No I would not.

I mean if you aren't even attached to that person yet why keep dating them??? There are 1,000,0202,010,100 people who are equally qualified without having to deal with that kind of crap.

Plus, passing that shiite down to children and stuff? No bueno.

I think when I was younger I would have said, it doesn't matter. However, being older and looking back why the **** would I waste my time on someone I don't know when other opportunities are out there without mental issues. Relationships are hard enough without that kind of stuff.

If you were already with someone and then they were diagnosed, that would be a different story.

Agree with the bolded... my first inclination was to say ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!!! But reality is different. I didn't think until reading this about passing that on... there are some highly distructive diseases out there as well... If I knew about it beforehand I think I would be less likely to get interested in the person romantically... medicated or not.

Would probably depend on the person, the illness and how serious they were about their own treatment / medication. But honestly, if I weren't gung-ho in love with the guy to begin with, it might make me pass them by, yes. I have not dated someone with a mental illness, but I have been around enough people with such issues to know how painful it can be for the people who suffer from it AND the people around them.

^this too. My best friend's sister is bipolar and I cannot count the times I have listened to her rant and cry about how hard it is to deal with her but how much she loves her and how guilty she gets to get mad at her for her episodes.

Tough question

[itsagoodday]

That's why I don't understand when I hear people say stuff like "yeah committing suicide is a cowards way out" say what? It takes a lot of damn courage to kill yourself.

Sorry, but I cannot agree with that. Suicide is the single most selfish thing anyone on this planet can do. You don't care about the people who witness it, the people who find you, or the people in your life who will spend the rest of their life wondering what they could have done differently. It's totally about you, about finding a way to stop everything because you've given up completely. Courage? No. Courage is what you have when you keep fighting no matter how hard it is or how dark it looks.

[drarmament]

I think we all have mental issues or some sort of baggage, some have better ways of handling it then others, I choose to lift. Alot of ppl dwell on there condition which I believe makes it worst if they have depression or anxeity. I know my wife went through hell with me when I came back from Iraq, my first tour and had all types of problems, she loved me and supported me through the hard times. So if you are dating a person, have patiences, if you are married show love. That too shall pass.

Now one with mental problems do to imbalances of what ever controls that lives in mental instu, thats a different story.. I'm no Doctor.

[penny0527]

I say no. I've had family members with mental issues and it was hard to deal with. I eventually had to distance myself and realize no matter what you do some people just are the way they are no matter what you do. You keep in contact and help when and how you can but in no way can you fix them. You cannot let it drag you down too. Dating someone like that by choice? No.

One of my best friends is bi-polar. She can be fine one minute then something will happen that makes her pissed off at the world. It is really bizarre to witness. I know part of it is her mental illness but some of it is just letting little things get to her. I tell her all the time life is too short to be pissed off for no good reason. Especially if it's something or someone you can't change.

I probably have enough reasons in the past to be mentally ill or even depressed but for whatever reason I am not. I don't know whether it is my refusal to be unhappy or I am just lucky.

[penny0527]

Sorry, but I cannot agree with that. Suicide is the single most selfish thing anyone on this planet can do. You don't care about the people who witness it, the people who find you, or the people in your life who will spend the rest of their life wondering what they could have done differently. It's totally about you, about finding a way to stop everything because you've given up completely. Courage? No. Courage is what you have when you keep fighting no matter how hard it is or how dark it looks.

Some people do not have the mental capabilities to handle life. Yes suicide can be seem as selfish but sometimes people do not have the ability to go on. They see no other way out. If you commit suicide I believe you have to be very depressed or mentally ill to carry that out...not selfish or brave. If someone does commit suicide you have to see it from their perspective. How bad must they have felt or how badly troubled were they to actually be able end their life?

[penny0527]

LOL! I think certain types of "crazy" are considered normal now, especially with women.



No IBS or mental illness here.. The guy I'm seeing has clinical depression + anxiety. I'm not sure yet how severe it is but he doesn't take medication and doesn't trust therapists enough to go to one; I know that it does affect his motivation for school rather harshly sometimes. I had similar issues as a teenager and now, looking back, I can't help but think even if I had had someone who treated me like their whole universe I would have ruined it. I've never been on this side before though.


I wouldn't date someone with a histrionic or narcissistic personality disorder ever though. Yeesh.

If he does not take medication and won't see a doctor I think you're going to find yourself trying to help someone who does not want to be helped.

[sonti]

I'm sorry but while suicide is "selfish" in that yes, the person is thinking about themselves, it is not an intentional or malicious "selfish" like a spoiled brat.

I was a 911 operator for almost 10 years. Unlike most people, I have spoken to people who are truly suicidal - meaning, I have been the last person they have ever spoken to, and they've shot themselves or jumped off a building with the cell phone in hand. So, I'd like to think I have at least some insight as to what that person's mental state really is at that point. I mean true suicide completion and not suicidal ideation or using it as a tool for attention (which are two totally different things). I do have professional training in it too but this is mostly from my experience.

When a person is going to kill themselves, and they DO, this is generally how they behave:
- They are calm
- They are "rational", in the sense that they've figured it out and realized that this is the "right" thing to do, without hysterics.
- They want the world to be better off (and in their illness, feel that their death is the best way to accomplish)
- They are rather polite and apologetic for hurting others but feel it is the best for everyone involved
- They are neat and prepared (when people actually jump off a bridge, you'll often find their items/notes/letters stacked neatly at the spot where they jump)
- These calls generally come from ME calling them, because their family is worried. Very rarely do they contact anyone before the moment they decide to kill themselves.

Just thought some people may find that interesting. Most people who complete suicide are not thinking long-term and want to do the world a favour. They just don't understand that it's not the right way to do it. They aren't malicious or hurtful, or 'selfish' like many people think of selfish.

[geek23ka]

what sonti said. (and PPD is a bitch sonti. happened after both my births, but second time round i knew what it was and it was abbreviated)

had a boyfriend who killed himself. was a hard few years after that, but i no longer blame myself and feel there was something i could have done to stop it.

also had a boyfriend who was paranoid schizophrenic and beat me. my mother was a paranoid schizophrenic so i was sorta raised to caretake (am also a nurse. ugh) and thought i could save him from the pain and help him function. paid for his therapy, tried to find the thread of where things went wrong when he beat me etc.

i dumped him after a year and felt guilty for that, too.

i did suffer from depression for most of my life. haven't really had big issues with it for a while. i think it was hormonally related and i've evened out as i got older(also was badly raised so that didn't help).

i think people raised in pretty terrible conditions and who suffer from mental illness can get better, but they have to have drive and a big big desire to not be that way. i live a pretty good life now. i'm happy and stuff. occasional unstable self-worth and anxiety, but it passes. the last vestige of this old way of being for me, is my weight. i'm taking care of that, now, too.

none of this is to say you should put up with people who are difficult to deal with. bc no one should spill their bull**** onto anyone else.

[Wyomann]

what sonti said. (and PPD is a bitch sonti. happened after both my births, but second time round i knew what it was and it was abbreviated)

had a boyfriend who killed himself. was a hard few years after that, but i no longer blame myself and feel there was something i could have done to stop it.

also had a boyfriend who was paranoid schizophrenic and beat me. my mother was a paranoid schizophrenic so i was sorta raised to caretake (am also a nurse. ugh) and thought i could save him from the pain and help him function. paid for his therapy, tried to find the thread of where things went wrong when he beat me etc.

i dumped him after a year and felt guilty for that, too.

i did suffer from depression for most of my life. haven't really had big issues with it for a while. i think it was hormonally related and i've evened out as i got older(also was badly raised so that didn't help).

i think people raised in pretty terrible conditions and who suffer from mental illness can get better, but they have to have drive and a big big desire to not be that way. i live a pretty good life now. i'm happy and stuff. occasional unstable self-worth and anxiety, but it passes. the last vestige of this old way of being for me, is my weight. i'm taking care of that, now, too.

none of this is to say you should put up with people who are difficult to deal with. bc no one should spill their bull**** onto anyone else.

Are these experiences what turned you into a liberal Geek? There is a cure you know, watch Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glen Beck everyday for a year. You will never be happier in your life.

[itsagoodday]

I'm sorry but while suicide is "selfish" in that yes, the person is thinking about themselves, it is not an intentional or malicious "selfish" like a spoiled brat.

I never said that people were being malicious or behaving like a spoiled brat, nor do I believe that to be true. I called it selfish because when you think only about yourself, that would be the definition of the word.

Sonti, because YOU had to call THEM, they were only thinking of themselves. If they'd carried on with their plans without speaking to emergency services, somebody else would have found that body. A friend, loved one, total stranger or landlord. If you put someone else in that kind of situation, you're really not thinking about anyone other than yourself.

Let me be clear that I have tremendous sympathy for people who are depressed or disturbed, and even moreso for those who have reached the point of being suicidal. But I will not call them courageous for committing suicide.

[geek23ka]

Are these experiences what turned you into a liberal Geek? There is a cure you know, watch Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Glen Beck everyday for a year. You will never be happier in your life.

You certainly bring the lulz, Wyomann.

I think that seeing how much people struggle, in part, showed me that social nets, such as SSI, are an important part of society. Bootstrappy thinking leaves lots more people dead in the streets. Not interested in that.

btw, you unfortunately mentioned the three most absurd baboons as shining examples of conservatism? Really? No William Buckley? No Robin of Berkeley? For shame!

[geek23ka]

For Wyomann, so that he may be able to quote more thoughtful conservatives to back his ideology:

http://www.americanthinker.com/2012/...#ixzz1mJijxETN
http://www.nationalreview.com/
http://althouse.blogspot.com/

[Miranda]

damn
she deserves that guilt
why would you be so cold to someone that you know suffers from depression?

sheet what a dumb thing to say. your date/partner is NOT your therapist, or responsible for your actions.

he didn't call her with 'omg if i can't see you i'm going to kill myself'. he called her because he wanted them to spend time together again. no threats, no drama. nothing that would allude to what he was going to do.

people who are committed to killing themselves don't advertise it.

the guy was 1/ in treatment and 2/ on meds. that supposedly would've rendered him 'fit' for normal life. dating, relationships, ending relationships and being able to deal are part of normal life.

which is why dating or living with people with a mental illness is difficult (prolly what prompted the tread in the first place). it'd be too easy to give 'do X', 'do Y' kind of answers and stigmatise. loonies are people too, and worthy of affection and love.

[Ma110W]

My mom suffers from manic depression and bipolar disorder. Growing up, generally, I was the only one around who ever made sure that she took her medicine. Being under the age of 13 and being the only responsible person in your family isn't exactly a fun or healthy situation.

I identify with the other posters about the toll it takes on the loved ones around them. And the guilt you feel when you finally get frustrated enough with your ill loved one that you snap at them and say something mean. I wouldn't trade my mom for anything though. She also, is a very creative person. But when she got manic she drew on the walls. It was so much fun having friends over and trying to explain why there were two eyeballs drawn on the sides of the diamond window on the front door...

I'm rambling. I guess what I came in to say is that because I dealt with it my whole childhood, it's not something I would want to deal with in my significant other. I love my husband though, and I would stick by his side and try to help him through absolutely anything. Just like I hope he would do the same for me. While I understand that you cant fix someone who doesn't want help, there's no way I'd just let someone I love go through a mental illness all alone. They need love too, probably more so than healthy minded individuals.


I would like to add that even though I think people with mental illness need compassion, they have no right to use their disorder as an excuse to treat others badly.

[aristomeow]

If he does not take medication and won't see a doctor I think you're going to find yourself trying to help someone who does not want to be helped.

Yeah I think this is the big issue. I had similar issues to him when I was 18 but I did go to therapy and got better; the therapy itself didn't help, but WANTING to get better did.

It's not serious atm by any means- I've known him since I was 6 but haven't seen him since I was 13 till recently.. He's had a few freakouts over the past week where he just disappears- deletes his ********, doesnt answer calls or texts, so not looking too good at this point.

[EliteBrah]

sheet what a dumb thing to say. your date/partner is NOT your therapist, or responsible for your actions.

he didn't call her with 'omg if i can't see you i'm going to kill myself'. he called her because he wanted them to spend time together again. no threats, no drama. nothing that would allude to what he was going to do.

people who are committed to killing themselves don't advertise it.

the guy was 1/ in treatment and 2/ on meds. that supposedly would've rendered him 'fit' for normal life. dating, relationships, ending relationships and being able to deal are part of normal life.

which is why dating or living with people with a mental illness is difficult (prolly what prompted the tread in the first place). it'd be too easy to give 'do X', 'do Y' kind of answers and stigmatise. loonies are people too, and worthy of affection and love.

you dont ignore people who suffer from depression and are trying to reach out to you.... period.
He didnt need to advertise it. A reasonable person would see the problems of doing such in this case

"dating, relationships, ending relationships and being able to deal are part of normal life"
sheet what a dumb thing to say
Since when is mental illness normal. And if he was so mentally "fit" he wouldnt of killed himself. Its not a normal breakup situation so you should approach it differently

[Sarah4Fitness]

Arista -
This is a very strong individual choice that only you can make. I personally have interacted with many with mental illnesses, both diagnosed and in need of diagnosis and medication. I have dated some, absolutley, in the past, but have not stayed for independent reasons.

I think each individual needs to assess whether interaction with another would cause them more benefit, or more detriment, by the interaction when deciding whether or not to pursue the relationship. If you're wishy-washy about it now, and are aware that he is untreated and showing behavioral symptoms that could lead to manipulation and detriment to you or him both, it's probably wise to seriously consider if you want a relationsihp with that kind of complication at this time in your life.

I think there is a HUGE difference between being married or engaged to a person, and having them diagnosed as depressed, or bipolar, or some other diagnosis they have not previously known, as opposed to starting a relationship at a relatively young age with someone minus diagnosis, but with all kinds of behavioral symptoms that are unhealthy.

If you've personally dealt with similar issues in your past, I would give long and hard thought as to whether this relationship will be healthy or detrimental for you. You're clearly a smart and caring young woman, and the world is open to you. Your posts continually impress me.

[NotBigEnough206]

Arista -
This is a very strong individual choice that only you can make. I personally have interacted with many with mental illnesses, both diagnosed and in need of diagnosis and medication. I have dated some, absolutley, in the past, but have not stayed for independent reasons.

I think each individual needs to assess whether interaction with another would cause them more benefit, or more detriment, by the interaction when deciding whether or not to pursue the relationship. If you're wishy-washy about it now, and are aware that he is untreated and showing behavioral symptoms that could lead to manipulation and detriment to you or him both, it's probably wise to seriously consider if you want a relationsihp with that kind of complication at this time in your life.

I think there is a HUGE difference between being married or engaged to a person, and having them diagnosed as depressed, or bipolar, or some other diagnosis they have not previously known, as opposed to starting a relationship at a relatively young age with someone minus diagnosis, but with all kinds of behavioral symptoms that are unhealthy.

If you've personally dealt with similar issues in your past, I would give long and hard thought as to whether this relationship will be healthy or detrimental for you. You're clearly a smart and caring young woman, and the world is open to you. Your posts continually impress me.

Couldnt agree more.

It will be much harder to leave once marriage and kids come.

[EliteBrah]

Do you love him?
obviously im going to assume no since you said he just recently came back into your life. If you think he is a really special person and willing to deal with the potential issues then go for it, but otherwise I would advise against it.

I dont know you in RL but from what I think I know about you- you are attractive and have an awesome personality. If I were you I wouldnt settle for just anyone

[Ma110W]

my SO's ex dated a guy who had been diagnosed with depression and on meds. she broke it off after a few months for unrelated reasons and refused to contact him despite his efforts (phone calls, texts) to get back together. he committed suicide shortly thereafter. it's been months and she's still blaming herself for it and in therapy.

i don't know any further ins or outs, but mental illness is definitely no laughing matter.

damn
she deserves that guilt
why would you be so cold to someone that you know suffers from depression?

She does not deserve that guilt. You DO not lead on people who you have let go of when all they want is to get back together. Had she talked to him, and led him on, and then cut off communication, then she probably would be part of the reason why he killed himself, but even then it wouldn't be her fault and she shouldn't feel guilty. The action of another is never someone elses fault. Every one makes their own conscious decisions.

you dont ignore people who suffer from depression and are trying to reach out to you.... period.
He didnt need to advertise it. A reasonable person would see the problems of doing such in this case

"dating, relationships, ending relationships and being able to deal are part of normal life"
sheet what a dumb thing to say
Since when is mental illness normal. And if he was so mentally "fit" he wouldnt of killed himself. Its not a normal breakup situation so you should approach it differently

Whether his life was normal or not, his disabilities were not her responsibility. Things would have been worse for him if she had dragged out their communication, because even talking to her would give him false hope, and then when he finally realized that she would never be in a relationship with him again, he could have gone psycho and killed her and him. When someone is mentally unstable you don't know how they're going to react, and toying with a mentally unstable person is never a smart move.

[aristomeow]

Do you love him?
obviously im going to assume no since you said he just recently came back into your life. If you think he is a really special person and willing to deal with the potential issues then go for it, but otherwise I would advise against it.

I dont know you in RL but from what I think I know about you- you are attractive and have an awesome personality. If I were you I wouldnt settle for just anyone

No, no love at this point, we haven't been intimate either so it's a good time to make a decision of whether I'd want to pursue it or not.

[EliteBrah]

whats up with all this false hope crap?
Cut off all contact because thats the "normal" thing to do. Is this a standard thing that you guys do with your ex bfs and gfs?
I couldnt imagine doing that with an ex unless she was so horrible that i simply never wanted to talk to her again
Lets clear something up. Answering someones texts doesnt lead them on. Initiating a lot of contact and flirting + trying to see them is what leads them on. But cutting off contact with someone is pretty cold. Its also proven that showing complete indifference/ignoring a crush or a lover is one of the best ways to annoy/depress them. Its also well known that people who suffer from depression often have suicidal tendencys after a break up. So putting the two together you could see the problem

You could make it clear that you have no intention to getback with them but still check up on them and not be so cold

I also take issue with the overall attitude you guys are taking toward this. Saying things like "she owes him nothing" and "shes not his therapist"
Its called not being a Shitty person.
If I see a little girl on the street who is yelling and I suspect might be getting abducted I should probably go and help.
I owe her no legal or moral obligation. I dont need to help her. But guess what... If later i hear that she was indeed abducted and killed then i would feel a great deal of guilt. Knowing that I could have easily stopped it but instead turned a cold shoulder... the guilt would be deserved imo

[aristomeow]

whats up with all this false hope crap?
Cut off all contact because thats the "normal" thing to do. Is this a standard thing that you guys do with your ex bfs and gfs?
I couldnt imagine doing that with an ex unless she was so horrible that i simply never wanted to talk to her again
Lets clear something up. Answering someones texts doesnt lead them on. Initiating a lot of contact and flirting + trying to see them is what leads them on. But cutting off contact with someone is pretty cold. Its also proven that showing complete indifference/ignoring a crush or a lover is one of the best ways to annoy/depress them. Its also well known that people who suffer from depression often have suicidal tendencys after a break up. So putting the two together you could see the problem

You could make it clear that you have no intention to getback with them but still check up on them and not be so cold

I also take issue with the overall attitude you guys are taking toward this. Saying things like "she owes him nothing" and "shes not his therapist"
Its called not being a ****ty person.
If I see a little girl on the street who is yelling and I suspect might be getting abducted I should probably go and help.
I owe her no legal or moral obligation. I dont need to help her. But guess what... If later i hear that she was indeed abducted and killed then i would feel a great deal of guilt. Knowing that I could have easily stopped it but instead turned a cold shoulder... the guilt would be deserved imo

I had an ex (who did NOT have a mental illness) that was rather depressed after our break-up. (I broke up with him for reasons that he could have helped but did not want to make that sort of effort).
A week or two after the breakup he messaged me on ********, I replied. He wanted to be friends, I said I didn't think I could deal with seeing girls post on his fb etc quite yet.
Every day he'd message me on ********.
Some days he was nice, telling me he missed me (which I never reciprocated but told him that he needed to move on, that he needed to live his life).
Some days he'd say he wanted to kill himself (I begged him to get help)
Some days he just would rant at me for hours and hours and hours about how I'd ruined his life.

This went on for 4 months and only stopped when he got a girlfriend. I didn't know what to do; I couldn't ignore it because I was worried, but it hurt to be told what a horrible person I was every few days.

This is why people cut off their ex's.

[oregonchick76]

The older I get, the more I realize how much dysfunction abounds out there... There's mental illness, the diagnosable stuff, and then there's substance abuse, and then there's just weird personality and emotional issues that don't really fall into a particular category. It's pretty rampant actually... I personally struggle with depression and anxiety, but not to the maximum extent. If a person is like 80% solid and stable, and they just have episodes where they struggle, I'd like to think it would be manageable for a reasonable couple. If one person is a total drain on the relationship though, it's not healthy for either person.