Significant other and the gym, how to balance them both?

[AKMass]

I never understood why a wife would have no problem with her husband working 8, 10, 12 hours a day at a job they may hate, yet whine if he wants to spend an hour and a half four times a week in a healthy endeavor. It makes no logical sense.

[Old Bob]

I have a friend that is a fitness director for 3 gyms and he's been a trainer for about 6 years himself and has a fairly large base of loyal customers that have been training with him for over 4 years and his observation is this...

People that train more than 3 days a week are usually at odds with their spouse about it. It's very rare for both partners in a marital relationship to train together or to support their spouse in a lot of training.

He also said that it seems in his experience with his clients and his trainer's that work for him's clients that divorce is quite common for people that train a lot.

Of course he told me this in private and wouldn't publically admit to training alot being a cause of or in any way related to problems in relationships.

From what I've seen in my 4 recent years at gyms, it seems to be pretty true that frequent training by one partner is either a cause or symptom of problems in paradise and breakups are very common.

My wife and I don't have children at home and she has always supported my training and likes the way it makes me look but she has never done any more than pilates classes once or twice a week to keep herself in shape.

We're starting to experience a fair amount of something unpleasant in our relationship and I'm pretty sure it's related to me finally getting in better shape than I've been in for over 30 years and her looking like she's aging like most people and not being very fit at all but I'll admit that she's done well with her weight loss.

She still says she's proud of me and my accomplishments but I've seemingly dialed back the clock 30 years in my age and health and she has plodded along like most people and is now tired all the time and burned out and getting miserable.

I can see this relationship coming apart at the seams and am half expecting her to ask me to stop working out so much in the next few months. I'm quite sure I won't, if that's the case and I hope she doesn't make an issue of it. If I'm forced to choose..... Well.... If you watch this video you'll probably know what I'll say and do....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqPPo1jaQxA

I may sound flippant about my marriage and my relationship but there is nothing in my life as serious as my committment to my fitness and bodybuilding is my favorite way to stay fit. At the tender age of 60 I'm in the best shape of my life and I don't feel guilty about my committment to the gym and my workouts. All that being said, I've never worked out when I could have been with her. I either work out before she gets up in the mornings or during the noon hour when she's at work or lunch and could easily join me if she wanted and she has never even come by and watched me work out.

One more thing my fitness director friend told me. You have to have a streak of selfishness in you to let your fitness be a major controlling factor in your life and personal relationships abut it sure will make you healthy and you'll live longer and look better and be enormously more attractive to the opposite sex.

It's a matter of personal choice and I take it very seriously that it might possibly ruin my marriage one day but nothing short of a major health issue or death will take me out of the gym. Am I selfish? You decide for yourself if your health is more important than your marriage. I don't think we should have to choose in an ideal world but then this certainly isn't an ideal world.

NSO Bob

[yakabebe]

I have a friend that is a fitness director for 3 gyms and he's been a trainer for about 6 years himself and has a fairly large base of loyal customers that have been training with him for over 4 years and his observation is this...

People that train more than 3 days a week are usually at odds with their spouse about it. It's very rare for both partners in a marital relationship to train together or to support their spouse in a lot of training.

He also said that it seems in his experience with his clients and his trainer's that work for him's clients that divorce is quite common for people that train a lot.

Of course he told me this in private and wouldn't publically admit to training alot being a cause of or in any way related to problems in relationships.

From what I've seen in my 4 recent years at gyms, it seems to be pretty true that frequent training by one partner is either a cause or symptom of problems in paradise and breakups are very common.

My wife and I don't have children at home and she has always supported my training and likes the way it makes me look but she has never done any more than pilates classes once or twice a week to keep herself in shape.

We're starting to experience a fair amount of something unpleasant in our relationship and I'm pretty sure it's related to me finally getting in better shape than I've been in for over 30 years and her looking like she's aging like most people and not being very fit at all but I'll admit that she's done well with her weight loss.

She still says she's proud of me and my accomplishments but I've seemingly dialed back the clock 30 years in my age and health and she has plodded along like most people and is now tired all the time and burned out and getting miserable.

I can see this relationship coming apart at the seams and am half expecting her to ask me to stop working out so much in the next few months. I'm quite sure I won't, if that's the case and I hope she doesn't make an issue of it. If I'm forced to choose..... Well.... If you watch this video you'll probably know what I'll say and do....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KqPPo1jaQxA

I may sound flippant about my marriage and my relationship but there is nothing in my life as serious as my committment to my fitness and bodybuilding is my favorite way to stay fit. At the tender age of 60 I'm in the best shape of my life and I don't feel guilty about my committment to the gym and my workouts. All that being said, I've never worked out when I could have been with her. I either work out before she gets up in the mornings or during the noon hour when she's at work or lunch and could easily join me if she wanted and she has never even come by and watched me work out.

One more thing my fitness director friend told me. You have to have a streak of selfishness in you to let your fitness be a major controlling factor in your life and personal relationships abut it sure will make you healthy and you'll live longer and look better and be enormously more attractive to the opposite sex.

It's a matter of personal choice and I take it very seriously that it might possibly ruin my marriage one day but nothing short of a major health issue or death will take me out of the gym. Am I selfish? You decide for yourself if your health is more important than your marriage. I don't think we should have to choose in an ideal world but then this certainly isn't an ideal world.

NSO Bob

How long you guys been married?

[Old Bob]

How long you guys been married?

25 years

NSO Bob

[sonti]

Can I offer a slightly different perspective?

I think, at the end of the day, husband & wife should go to bed together. My husband and I go to bed together every night after a quick 5-10 minute shower (together) at 9pm. Early? Yes, but he works at 6am sharp.

It sounds like she is exhausted with the children (and it is absolutely exhausting, I've been both a full-time working mom and a sahm, I know both sides), and she resents that she is burnt out at the end of the day while you get to go out after bed.

I think finding a different schedule is a better solution.

My husband leaves at 5am and comes home at 5pm. He lifts 2x per work week, right after work on 2 days, so we have dinner when he gets back from his workout (I use a slow cooker so that he can take his time and it doesn't have to be urgently on the table at Xpm).

Then, he lifts early on Saturday and Sunday. That's 4x a week. You can add in another work day if you want.

For me it is easier, I work out when baby is napping, and have a play area in my home gym if he is awake.

**?Sorry am I reading now that she has 3x a week girl's nights?? Geez, I didn't even do that when I was single and childless. You guys aren't going to get together and she's spending half the nights out with girlfriends? That sounds... odd to me. Is this just a symptom of a failing marriage where you are both growing apart - ????

[sonti]

Girls night 3x per week, tells me there is a bigger issue at hand. I am married now, but I found with all my previous relationships when the frequency of "girls nights" increased, the relationship was soon doomed. Sounds like the kids right now are the glue to this relationship...sounds very selfish, "I will go out when I want, but you will not do anything you want".. ever tried therapy? I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes when a third party tells your significant other (or you) that your being selfish or stupid, it can open their eyes.

Frequent girls nights.. tiny flag
control over when you go out..bigger flag
Now if she goes out and buys new lingerie such as matching thongs,bras..run for the hills

I know Maverick and I have clashed before... but I think he is 100% right. Happily married women, IMO, generally don't seem to increase their girl's nights to nearly HALF the week, when they have 3 kids at home, especially when they complain their husbands going out at night. Politically correct comment? I don't know. But shown to happen over and over again. Your marriage is heading down the toilet, time to get a grip soon. Something's seriously off.

[discdoggie]

Frequent outings without you + crowding you out and not wanting you to have free time + accusing you of having another wife and kids = cheater's MO.

I am afraid you mayhave to consider this possibility.

I never understood why a wife would have no problem with her husband working 8, 10, 12 hours a day at a job they may hate, yet whine if he wants to spend an hour and a half four times a week in a healthy endeavor.

$

[yakabebe]

25 years

NSO Bob

Well, FWIW and I only say this cause you put it out there - you seem somewhat cavalier and dismissive about the merit of such a long relationship.

As in most cases, it is far more likely what you described tends to be what doctors call referred pain. In other words, the phenomenon of pain perceived at a site adjacent to or at a distance from the site of an injury's origin.

My bet is if this relationship is as throw-away as you suggest, the malaise lies far from her attitude about or from your behaviour involving the gym.

[SirPat]

It sounded like the 3 night out was not new, what may not be new but is not as old as those 3 nights was did the two of you go together originally and now don't..

3 nights out single for her and 3 nights on your own for your working out.. do you work out on the same nights she goes out or look after the kids? Were the workout always after she was asleep..

It does sound like there are underlying issues and some insecurity issues in the mix..

The suggestion for morning workout seemed like a good one, also the set of things you are doing may not reduce her load in the right ways and you may need to find ways so that she realizes you doing it for her and not only for yourself..

"You got it, the doctor told her she has low blood pressure along with low iron!! Genius!! Now how do I get her arse back into the gym!"

Are you trying to apply to much pressure to get here to gym?, Don't pressure her into going to gym.. Rather let it happen on its own and looks at other ways to help.. Like time your morning workout that when back you prep breakfast and bring it to her in bed and on some evenings do everything and let her relax and be treated, this could be timed for evenings you are both in so that she relaxed and not tied going into the evening..

Also if she is trying to lose some pounds can you take over more of the cooking? After all 80% is diet and the more you handle it the more you can control it!! The best weight loss I ever had was when I was doing all the cooking for the whole family, I had total control for months and the fat was just melting away!! I have a friend who won't even let his wife cook…

Also when was the last time the two of you went on a real good vacation (without the kids)?

Have heard of some incredible turn u-turns in marriages starting from just small changes.. but hitting the right changes can be the challenge.

[Old Bob]

Well, FWIW and I only say this cause you put it out there - you seem somewhat cavalier and dismissive about the merit of such a long relationship.

As in most cases, it is far more likely what you described tends to be what doctors call referred pain. In other words, the phenomenon of pain perceived at a site adjacent to or at a distance from the site of an injury's origin.

My bet is if this relationship is as throw-away as you suggest, the malaise lies far from her attitude about or from your behaviour involving the gym.

I seem that way (cavalier) about everything... I have a very happy and positive attitude and rarely if ever let anything bother me or make me angry or sad.

If I was truly cavelier about my relationship or considered the relationship "throwaway" I wouldn't have stuck with it 25 years though. She and I both have put a lot into it and made it work but just because it's been going on for 25 years isn't a good enough reason to continue. Right now there are a lot of negatives and the health and gym issues are at the forefront.

I DO agree with the referred pain analogy though. The pain is referring all over the place and from several different areas and there are many reasons to split up and many to stay together.

NSO Bob

[IdidntDoIt]

I haven't read all the replies, but in case this hasn't been asked, can you switch to early morning work outs? Switch two of your workout days to Saturday and Sunday. Hit the gym before the family is up.

As others have mentioned, there's most likely more to this than just your time spent at the gym. But still switching to the am may help the situation. Even though she falls asleep early, she may be grateful to have you simply lying by her side. For that matter she may end up staying later since you are with her.

Making time for your spouse is hard enough with a full-time demanding job. Throw kids into the mix and it gets a lot harder to have quality alone time. She may be seeing it as you leaving to the gym during the time of the day that is reserved for both of you.

[MecGen]

When people start getting in shape and their partner doesnt they feel like they are losing control of their partner. No on likes to feel that way even if it is not her intent.

^^^^^^^^^ This.

Regards

[pvk]

I spoke with the wife and she basically felt left out, ( me going to the gym more and more during the night) so changing it to a morning routine works for her, and it puts me home with her and the fam @ night.

She is also going the gym next week, so hopefully she can back on track. Thanks again all.

[pvk]

I haven't read all the replies, but in case this hasn't been asked, can you switch to early morning work outs? Switch two of your workout days to Saturday and Sunday. Hit the gym before the family is up.

As others have mentioned, there's most likely more to this than just your time spent at the gym. But still switching to the am may help the situation. Even though she falls asleep early, she may be grateful to have you simply lying by her side. For that matter she may end up staying later since you are with her.

Making time for your spouse is hard enough with a full-time demanding job. Throw kids into the mix and it gets a lot harder to have quality alone time. She may be seeing it as you leaving to the gym during the time of the day that is reserved for both of you.

That's part of it, me coming home and waking her up from the couch to get into bed ruins her sleep. The kids are exhausting, so me doing the am workouts will help her out tremendously during the 5-8pm dinner-bath-bedtime routine, right when she is goinging on empty.

Thanks!

[scooby1961]

As the title states, how do you keep your significant other from hating the gym, and eventually you. A little background info.... April 2010 we signed up at our local gym under her wishes to get into shape. Bear in mind I was in the gym 5 days/week when we met, and stopped going after we had our first child 9 years ago. So 2 more kids later and years later, we are back @ the gym.

We both went 3 days a week, I'd go after work m-w-f, she would go during the day. I started to get back into shape and regain some muscle and lose weight and the wife stagnated, and 6 months later quit, citing our family and their needs instead of her's.

Now I am still going 3x a week to the gym, and trying to get back into it 5x a week, but I am getting major grief from the wifey. I am trying to work out after 8pm, as to not interfere with family life ie., soccer, girl scouts, family events, birthdays, weekends.

All the kids are sleeping by 8pm and the wife is so tired/exhausted/lethargic, she is out by 8:30pm. Soooo, should I watch her while she is sleeping on the couch, or tell her to suck it up and go the the gym somehow without hurting her feelings?

I don't need any smarta$$ remarks, I am trying to be serious and I hope other ppl can give me some wisdom on this matter.

Thanks,

--pvk

Have you considered home workouts? With three kids and a job your time is a precious commodity. Working out at home would save commute time and you could you get great workouts without making your wife resentful. Maybe you could even offer to watch the kids while you are working out and let her go have dinner with her girlfriends.

[Old Bob]

Have you considered home workouts? With three kids and a job your time is a precious commodity. Working out at home would save commute time and you could you get great workouts without making your wife resentful. Maybe you could even offer to watch the kids while you are working out and let her go have dinner with her girlfriends.

Scooby,

Are you the Scooby that produces all the videos for YouTube? If so I'd like to take a moment to thank you for them. I've shared several of them with friends that are trying to learn form and have used a few of myself to improve my form.

Great Job!!!

I personally don't work out at home because I LOVE the atmosphere of the gym and it gives me the drive to excel when I watch other people working out and I think "I can do better than that".

I DO have a pretty complete home gym that collects dust and I keep thinking "One day I'll start working out at home again"....

NSO Bob

[KyleAaron]

Early in the morning is a different animal for some reason as people dont mind it as much.

Well, nobody has saucy affairs at the crack of dawn...

Anyway, to OP: maybe she doesn't really want to sleep at 8:30pm. She wants you to keep her awake with your company? You're making time for workouts - maybe you need to make time for your woman.

Way I see it, everyone needs in their life four basic things -

- work - as in something which makes you feel productive and useful and you feel a duty towards it, this is not necessarily the job you're paid for, could be parenting or a volunteer work
- hobby - makes you feel productive and useful but you feel no real sense of duty towards it
- intimate - lover, spouse, or close friend - needn't be sexual, but someone you trust completely
- friends/family - the people in your life you trust and who rely on you, could be all relatives, could be all friends, varies

If you have 4/4 you are going to be happy, no two ways about it. 3/4 happy but sometimes feel you're missing something. 2/4 and any trouble with one, the other one will come under stress, eg you're in a new city where you know nobody, you moved there for the spouse's job, any trouble at work and it's coming straight home! And maybe you'll end up with 1/4... and that last 1 never lasts, you end up with nada, and it's depression time.

Thing is, to keep these 4 things going takes time and effort. Obviously work takes time and effort. But hobbies do, too - if you spend time putting together your model trains or lifting the iron, that takes some hours of your day, some concentration. But keeping up the family/friends also takes time and effort, you do have to call and see people, help them move, listen to them complain or boast about their lives, etc.

And keeping up that intimacy takes time and effort, too. That's hard a lot of the time. If you give 150% to one area then some other area is going to suffer. Some people I know do professional jobs, maybe it keeps them at work till 11pm. Guess what, they're single and don't have a lot of friends either. Others just got kids and cut back their work hours.

I work in gyms, and what I often see is that people put their workouts down as something to do after everything else has been done. So of course they get tired and don't do it at all. I tell them, put it in your diary as an appointment with yourself, and keep this appointment just as you would a doctor's visit or business meeting - only break it if you really have to.

When we grow up and get distracted by work and kids and hobbies and bills and the commute and all that stuff, we can treat our spouses the way some of us treat our workouts - something to deal with when I feel like it, if I remember and can be bothered. So it never happens.

It's hard, but you gotta make the time for the things which are important to you, whether that be workouts, your kids, your wife, your baseball card collection, doing the dishes, whatever. If she's important to you, make time for her.

And if you're making time for her, maybe she won't be jealous of the time you're making for other stuff.

[flairon]

Maybe get her involved in it? I think married men should think of their families first...BUT, logically, if you're out of shape, you can't care for your family as well, if you're obese you'll die early and i'm pretty sure that wont go over well at the family Christmas dinners. If you're overweight, dont exercise etc, you're a role model for your kids, so guess where they will end up.

I didnt read through the whole thread, but i'm guessing that she's probably put on a few lbs too since you got married and is probably worried a little bit that if you get in shape, that she wont be so attractive to you, other women will notice..etc. Get her involved in it too.

[scooby1961]

Scooby,

Are you the Scooby that produces all the videos for YouTube? If so I'd like to take a moment to thank you for them. I've shared several of them with friends that are trying to learn form and have used a few of myself to improve my form.

Great Job!!!

I personally don't work out at home because I LOVE the atmosphere of the gym and it gives me the drive to excel when I watch other people working out and I think "I can do better than that".

I DO have a pretty complete home gym that collects dust and I keep thinking "One day I'll start working out at home again"....

NSO Bob

Yes, thats me!

OK, how about this. I certainly understand the energy you can get from a good gym with inspiring people working out. I still think the key to this whole thing work for you is to make sure there is something in it for your wife too, she needs to see a definite advantage for HER. Are there any gyms near you that have childcare facilities? I still like the idea of giving her ladies dinner out while you are at the gym. Sounds like your oldest would be OK at home alone but you need someone to watch the younger two. Serval of the gyms around me have in-facility child care.

[Geoloop]

put 1 in kitchen keep the other in garage.

Pro Tip weight lifting in the kitchen can be dangerous.

[Matt1231231]

As the title states, how do you keep your significant other from hating the gym, and eventually you. A little background info.... April 2010 we signed up at our local gym under her wishes to get into shape. Bear in mind I was in the gym 5 days/week when we met, and stopped going after we had our first child 9 years ago. So 2 more kids later and years later, we are back @ the gym.

We both went 3 days a week, I'd go after work m-w-f, she would go during the day. I started to get back into shape and regain some muscle and lose weight and the wife stagnated, and 6 months later quit, citing our family and their needs instead of her's.

Now I am still going 3x a week to the gym, and trying to get back into it 5x a week, but I am getting major grief from the wifey. I am trying to work out after 8pm, as to not interfere with family life ie., soccer, girl scouts, family events, birthdays, weekends.

The only grief I get is when I come back with big squat bruises lol
All the kids are sleeping by 8pm and the wife is so tired/exhausted/lethargic, she is out by 8:30pm. Soooo, should I watch her while she is sleeping on the couch, or tell her to suck it up and go the the gym somehow without hurting her feelings?

I don't need any smarta$$ remarks, I am trying to be serious and I hope other ppl can give me some wisdom on this matter.

Thanks,

--pvk

The way I look at things having two children myself! I hit the gym around half 7-8pm when the kids go to bed. I'm only gone an hour and then me and my partner will relax for an hour or two when I get home. I put my fair share of effort in with bathing both of ours and playing with them before I hit the gym and also a lot more of my time and effort comes at the weekends. My partner encourages me to hit the gym and even prepares my meals and shakes for when i get home (ok sometimes she does ) In my oppinion your partner should be glad that you are so dedicated and want to be in shape or maybe the issue isn't with you hitting the gym maybe it is a little bit deeper. A good long one to one will probablly solve the problem you have.

[whatevergirl]

I spoke with the wife and she basically felt left out, ( me going to the gym more and more during the night) so changing it to a morning routine works for her, and it puts me home with her and the fam @ night.

She is also going the gym next week, so hopefully she can back on track. Thanks again all.

Hey...looks like you've found some common ground. Nice to see!! Sometimes, just talking things over makes all the difference. Good luck w/whatever happens.

[Tybalt71]

quite simple: ask her if she would prefer you to go out with the boyz once in awhile drink beer and sit on pervs row at the local peeler club spending hard earned $ on lap dances or you go for an hour after kids are gone to bed to go de stress and go workout and do something positive for you're life and you're family? there is 168hrs in a week and to find 5 hours for yourself to go to workout shouldn't be a big deal, you're wife cant change you and should support you on you're training, she met you and had the same lifestyle. out of those 168 hrs/wk on average i have seen/read studies that people spend 25-30;s in front of a tv and another 15-20 browsing the internet! to go and have an hour a day 5 dayz a week to go workout (meaning time for you just for you)should not be an issue! my 2 cents and I want my change-Ty

[latebloomingmom]

relationships are weird arent they? especially when it comes to losing weight and getting into shape. If one is ready but the other isnt then it causes friction and resentment. stick to your guns man! But do so with consideration for her feelings too but...beware the sabatour that comes disguised as our significant other. The "If I am not doing it then you should not be doing it either" mentality.
I like the get a sitter or daycare idea-nice
also the home gym idea
but...as a woman and mom let me just say, pushing her into change before she is ready is not a good idea. No one will make a real change in their own lives unless they CHOOSE to do it for themselves. Now, you can tell her you love her, worry about her health, love your life together, worry that she will develop health problems as long as you are doing so out of love and concern and not trying to pressure her into hurrying it up and changing so you can go to the gym.
Now, if you were a girlfriend of mine and her husband was giving her grief cause she was taking a night class or water aerobics or weight watchers on tues nights...I would say take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. Hope this helps. Its hard to find that balance sometimes between how much time to give to our families and how much we allow for ourselves.