"Skinny Fat": Best way to proceed

[elrepo]

Hello ladies!

I'm desperately trying to figure out exactly how to solve my dilemma. I had/have an eating disorder which I'm slowly coming to terms with. All I want is to be happy and healthy, but it seems almost impossible. I'm 5'8", 136lbs, used to be 187lbs. I'm not sure about my current BF%, but it's probably high for my weight. I want to gain muscle, keep fat gains minimum and eventually lose it. Obviously most of you would say I should lose the fat first, but I'm truly petrified of losing the last of my muscle mass. I couldn't give a f*** if I ever wear a bikini, I just want to have more muscle to be active. Currently I'm weight training every second day for about 30min-40mins, alternating with upper/lower, doing exercises like squats, dead-lifts, lunges, clean and press, chest presses, pull ups, rows...

I was eating 'healthy' until about a month ago, but the type of eating regime was just too full on for me. I was getting hungry constantly and I felt as if it was becoming compulsive. 6 meals a day, 100 cals of each lean protein, low G.I. carbs and healthy fats. PWO I'd have a banana, some honey and some whey with skim milk.

Then I tried doing keto-style, mostly because mentally I felt better and I it was like I was finally eating normally again. Unfortunately my weight has dropped 1kg and my muscle mass feels like it has decreased and I've probably gained fat to compensate. My strength in ballet has started to decrease and that's when I decided to stop.

I have no idea what to eat any more. I feel better without carbs, along with all this crap about them being bad for you... but I feel that I need them for my muscles. I'm only 21 and I've set myself up for so many health problems... Just thinking about it is making me cry. I lost weight originally by cutting out crap and exercising more, and all I was trying to do was be healthy. I didn't care about my physique. I was overweight my entire childhood and teenage years, so it never mattered to me. Now I feel like I will have to eat compulsively/low-fat/multiple meals for the rest of my days and I'm still likely to gain the weight back anyway.

Please, if anyone has any advice or any way in telling me the best way to proceed I would love to hear it. If someone has overcome a similar problem I'd love to hear from you.

[Danni89]

firstly it sounds like you werent eating enough before keto. head over to the stickies. they are under each section and are permanent threads with lots of great info. one in particular on how to calculate how much calories you should be having.

good luck.

[goalorientgirl]

I don't think too many people here, at your size, would advise you to lose the fat first before working on muscle. If you have a little extra, it'll make muscle gains come easier. Figure out a healthy, non-obsessive, way to eat. You don't need to eat that many times a day either. Carbs are very good for you, but you were at least eating some before (banana and honey), so it doesn't sound like you are in too bad a position.

Read http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showth...hp?t=121703921 to get an idea of how you should, ideally, be eating.

If you want to focus on getting strength back, consider picking up a copy of New Rules of Lifting for Women. It'll help explain the things that you'll want to do to get healthy and provide you some good instruction.

How serious are you about ballet? Eating disorders aren't uncommon there at all, so hopefully you're involved in a company that has healthy standards for dancers (and doesn't support starvation diets to get tiny for performances). If you starve yourself, or deny your body of important fuels, you will lose muscle. You'll also affect your brain, which is only going to make it more difficult to come out of this eating disorder haze.

Sounds to me like you could really benefit from a bulk, to build back the muscle that you've lost. If you don't mind carrying a little extra fat around for awhile, it's the healthy thing to do to restore your body. Bulking doesn't mean binging, although you will be eating more than you're used to. Read the nutrition section of the forum and start a good lifting program that can advise you. And try not to obsess. This is supposed to be fun.

[Julie5150]

It's hard to eat what you're suppose to when you've gone for so long doing the exact opposite - crunching numbers, defining macros - none of that hits the psychological issues that come along with eating disorders.

In the past - far past - when I was coming back from my eating disorder I found it extremely hard to even stomach the idea of eating larger amounts of food - or certain foods in particular (like meats and dairy). So I ate more frequent, small meals throughout the day. . . the same foods with the occasional new addition. Focusing more on quality and frequency - not mass quantity. The quantity increased throughout the day. I didn't stuff myself full at each meal - but overall I ate more.

Baby steps to losing weight and changing bad excessive-eating habits also apply to gaining healthy weight and changing bad non-eating habits.

I'd focus on eating healthy and nutritous things like salad fixings - there's a huge variety of ways to prep them (soup, salad, sandwich, stew, puree) - and the vitamins and minerals will significantly improve things for you more so than a carb-def/carb-surplus diet would.

[elrepo]

Thank you all for your replies!

@Danni: I'm trying to develop a solid eating plan currently, and just keep a simple food log. I did eat 'safe' foods and not count them, such as veggies and some fruits, and I did eat above that level sometimes, so to say I wasn't eating enough is hard to say. I used to be closer to 130lbs, so I have gained weight, although how much is muscle and how much is fat... Sadly I've never done a BF% test. I'm a bit annoyed at myself currently, since my irregular cycles had normalised again last month, and now I think I have truly screw it all up again.

@Goalorientalgirl: No, I'm not 'serious' about ballet. I've done it for about 16 years, but as I was always overweight as a child/teenager I sort of mentally accepted I would never go anywhere with it. It was all for fun. Even now, I do it for fun/social reasons.

I am all too familiar with eating disorders in the world of dance. At a different dance school a girl fainted on stage due to not eating anything. I find it ironic that once I turned 19/20 that I developed a disorder, since I was surrounded by very shallow girls in some circumstances who's words had little impact on me, but once I was out of it then suddenly it triggered.

@Julie: Thanks for the encouragement. ^_^ I should specify that my eating disorder probably was, at a point, anorexia, but I'd say that it's closer to orthorexia currently. I have learnt so much about food over the last couple of years, and most of it is very hard to unlearn. Most of my dilemma comes from the whole anti-carb concept... 'grains are evil'... 'fructose is toxic'... Then when you go to the other end it's all anti-fat, even though I know fat is really healthy (unless it's trans), but that doesn't necessarily mean the body can always utilise it for muscle building.

[pandaroo6589]

I'm having the same problem right now. I'm trying to rebound from years of an ED and I am really struggling with the concept of eating more food and more frequently. I feel like I'm "skinny fat" too. I don't know what other people would think. I'm small, but I'm soft. I want to gain muscle so that I'm firmer (and won't feel as fat or uncomfortable with my body at a higher weight than what it was during my ED).
As for foods, I am really struggling with the whole safe foods thing. I have a list of the foods I'm ok with as of right now and hopefully that list will expand as I get farther into recovery. But I eat pretty much the same things everyday (oatmeal, turkey sandwiches, fruit). I've gotten my calories up and I have more energy and I'm looking more toned, so obviously this is the right thing to do. But yeah I still always feel like I'm eating too much.
As for the compulsive part, I am still as compulsive as I was with the anorexia. It actually comforts me right now as I'm still trying to get used to eating more calories. So for me, I'm not trying to lose the compulsivity as of right now. And I'm not saying you shouldn't lose the compulsivity. I just wanted to reach out to you as someone who is currently struggling like you are. You're not alone
Message me if you want to talk more. I think we could help each other

[Maxime1]

I'm having the same problem right now. I'm trying to rebound from years of an ED and I am really struggling with the concept of eating more food and more frequently. I feel like I'm "skinny fat" too. I don't know what other people would think. I'm small, but I'm soft. I want to gain muscle so that I'm firmer (and won't feel as fat or uncomfortable with my body at a higher weight than what it was during my ED).
As for foods, I am really struggling with the whole safe foods thing. I have a list of the foods I'm ok with as of right now and hopefully that list will expand as I get farther into recovery. But I eat pretty much the same things everyday (oatmeal, turkey sandwiches, fruit). I've gotten my calories up and I have more energy and I'm looking more toned, so obviously this is the right thing to do. But yeah I still always feel like I'm eating too much.
As for the compulsive part, I am still as compulsive as I was with the anorexia. It actually comforts me right now as I'm still trying to get used to eating more calories. So for me, I'm not trying to lose the compulsivity as of right now. And I'm not saying you shouldn't lose the compulsivity. I just wanted to reach out to you as someone who is currently struggling like you are. You're not alone
Message me if you want to talk more. I think we could help each other

Best of luck to you..You will get great support here. Just noticed that you're from San Jose too...

[goalorientgirl]

As for the compulsive part, I am still as compulsive as I was with the anorexia. It actually comforts me right now as I'm still trying to get used to eating more calories. So for me, I'm not trying to lose the compulsivity as of right now. And I'm not saying you shouldn't lose the compulsivity.

Be very careful with your compulsiveness. If you're still feeling that way about food, even though you're eating more, you are far from out of the woods. While it's nice that it gives you comfort, it's not a healthy thing. If you are seeing someone (a counselor, psychiatrist, a nutritionist even), make sure they know you still have those obsessiveness tendencies. Part of being healthy is understanding that *everything* is best in moderation.

You'll get support, just make sure you ask for it.