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04-27-2024, 10:30 AM #241
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04-27-2024, 10:32 AM #242
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04-27-2024, 10:44 AM #243
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04-27-2024, 12:32 PM #244
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04-27-2024, 12:34 PM #245
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04-27-2024, 12:39 PM #246
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04-27-2024, 12:42 PM #247
- Join Date: Jan 2010
- Location: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, United States
- Posts: 46,165
- Rep Power: 431911
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04-27-2024, 12:45 PM #248
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04-27-2024, 12:49 PM #249
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04-27-2024, 12:52 PM #250
Brah alcohol is poison doesn't mean everyone's an alcoholic or that people can't enjoy a drink without problems. Porn has had a devastating impact on my life, and the lives of many others, but doesn't mean everyone's a porn addict or that people can't watch porn every now and then without problems.
Obviously my focus is on addiction because I'm addicted. Just confused why you hang out here so much
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04-27-2024, 12:54 PM #251
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04-27-2024, 01:15 PM #252
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04-27-2024, 01:19 PM #253
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04-28-2024, 10:41 AM #254
Day 43 - Actually feeling pretty good today. I was with my family and enjoyed myself a lot more than normal. I felt a lot more social and found myself actually laughing a lot. Before this reboot I would have been a lot more aloof, acted like a zombie, and basically stick to myself. Driving back to my house I felt happy, certainly a rare feeling for me. Again, this signals that I am becoming more sensitive to my emotions. Yesterday, as I noted on the thread before it got derailed lol, I actually cried (not quite full on sobbing) for the first time in eight years - something I see as a profound development. This is the surest sign I've received that change is happening and that I'm moving in the right direction.
Back home now and, whilst I still feel pretty good, I am bored. I should go to the gym or do something productive but that hasn't happened. A Sunday evening would usually be absolutely prime time for me to indulge in a full on pmo binge, even longer than normal. I am experiencing some cravings right now, sparked by the familiar conditions but also because I matched with an attractive girl on a dating app. Again, this usually would set me off. I'd start by using the dating sites to fantasise before escalating to my usual set menu. The triggers are there for me to relapse so I am being cautious. The urge is not ridiculous strong, I am finding it relatively easy to resist, but I think it's important to note.
Last night I was going through the notes app on my phone and found a document I was writing in September 2022. This was around Day 30 of my longest reboot so far, one that ended on Day 75. I intended to post it on Day 90 to some internet forum, I had written a ridiculous amount haha but some of it is quite good. It describes my addiction pretty well and so I will probably quote from it from time to time. It's interesting how self aware I was of the problem and also how confident I was that I had quit it for good. A stark reminded that I should never get complacent about my recovery.
Here's one part describing my 'use' of my addiction:
Originally Posted by Me in September 2022
However, rereading the notes from the reboot that ended on day 75 has reminded me again that I must not overstretch myself. During that reboot I not only gave up pmo but also YouTube, mindless web browsing, smoking and junk food - all at the same time (!). That's far too much to throw at myself at one time, add to that that I also started a new stressful job and moved to a new city within that timeframe. It is no wonder that I became overwhelmed and relapsed, it was not sustainable. I will have to be gentle introducing changes and ensure that quitting porn remains my top focus at all times
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04-28-2024, 10:57 AM #255
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04-28-2024, 11:36 AM #256
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04-28-2024, 11:51 AM #257
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04-28-2024, 12:09 PM #258
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04-28-2024, 12:12 PM #259
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04-28-2024, 12:14 PM #260
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04-28-2024, 12:25 PM #261
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04-28-2024, 12:26 PM #262
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04-28-2024, 12:29 PM #263
Hear what you're saying brah, think we've been through this before. Need to remember I am addicted so keeping it controlled is basically impossible. Some guys do keep masturbating and only cut out porn but most cut out both because they find it too tempting to look at porn whilst masturbating. Also been noted that guys who cut out both appear to recover quicker
Again though brah I'm not cutting out sex so I'll still get to clear the pipes, plus there's wet dreams of course
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04-28-2024, 12:31 PM #264
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04-28-2024, 12:32 PM #265
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04-28-2024, 12:33 PM #266
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04-29-2024, 08:22 AM #267
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04-29-2024, 08:29 AM #268
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04-29-2024, 03:50 PM #269
Day 44 - Driving into work this morning I once again felt on the verge of tears whilst listening to music. A reasonably relevant lyric to my struggle, or even just emotional sounding music, seemed to ignite with me and I welled up. Another really good sign once again suggesting my emotional sensitivity is returning, showing that Saturday was not a one-off.
44 days then, nearly matching the streak I had at the end of last year (48 days). At this point on that streak I was also feeling confident that the 90 days were in the bag and then I faltered four days later. Another reminder of how easy it is to relapse and that I can’t get complacent.
Re-reading my notes from the winter 2022 reboot, as well as my memory of previous reboots, has given me a clear pattern. Everytime I make the firm decision that I’m going to quit, usually to start the next day, I also feel entitled to ‘one last big session’ and feel that I need to say goodbye. I will spend that day heavily engaging in pron, for even longer than a usual session, and will even push myself to go to the more extreme ends of my use (even when I don’t want to). I will try to find the ‘perfect’ video as my last one, usually focused on trying to find some video I remember from when I was a teenager or of a star who I was into when I was younger. I seem to want to tie my pron use up into a neat bow, to try and end it on a high note. Every single time the ‘last session’ has been underwhelming. It’s also been a lie for every single ‘last session’ apart from the one 44 days ago (and even that would be a lie unless I continue to fight it). This pattern is another very clear sign of addiction. It parallels alcoholics having ‘one last drink’ before quitting.
The further I reboot the more clearly I can see that I was addicted, but only if I actively read things that I have written about my behaviour before quitting. If I did not have this firm proof I know I would start to doubt it. This has been another pattern during my past reboots. I’ll get a few weeks away from pron and then start to think: “Well I can’t really have had a problem if I can quit like this”, “Everyone does it it is normal so therefore I can’t have had a problem”, or “I don’t think my use of it was actually that bad”. I’d combat these thoughts but they’d eventually undermine my commitment as my clarity of the addiction faded. This tendency to doubt the severity of addiction, minimise the problem and rationalise returning to use is yet another common pattern found in the majority of addicts. Knowing this pattern, and having clear evidence of the scale of my addiction thanks to the journaling I have done, is very helpful in keeping me focused and retaining awareness.
It feels like there are two paths ahead of me now that it appears I am out of the immediate withdrawal stage; either I can follow the previous road of forgetting the severity of my addiction and eventually falling back into use, or I can actually experience true insight and self awareness by reflecting on how closely I was following textbook addiction patterns. I think I am pursuing the second route this time, and I credit journaling about it, as well as not spreading myself too thin with other demands, with allowing me to do that
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04-30-2024, 10:52 AM #270
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