eating disorder/binges

[Bonny_Lassie]

I cant wait to get home to read through this thread because it hits really close to home for me. With that said, to answer the OPs question ( though I know this is an old post) :

At this point in my life, Im not sure that you DO full recover. I know most days I have to go against that little voice inside of my head that justifies disordered eating. The type of control I have found since coming to bb.com as been a blessing. Truely. Before my method of 'control' was eat as little as possible, then I would flip out and binge. Now.. I track everything that I eat, and seeing 1700 calories doesnt scare me. I was looking through a journal yesterday and I had 1100 calories and below, then there was one day I had like 1423 and I wrote it big giant angry letters BAD DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! wtf? Im so glad I started this lifestyle becaue why some may look at me and say my eating is still "disordered" because I CHOOSE healthy options over unhealthy or because I weigh everything that goes in my body or plan food. So be it. I would rather have this "disorder" than the one I had before coming here.

^^^^^^THIS is exactly how I feel, and I agree with you 100% ! X

[FemmeFatale28]

I'm going a bit off topic here, but I think eating disorders nearly always stem from something, some sort of trauma or emotional issue. Food is usually just a symptom of a much bigger problem. I've never had anything traumatic happen to me, but I have a long history of both clinical depression and low self-esteem, coupled with a tendency to be a driven perfectionist. I think true recovery takes place once the issues have been worked through, good for you for getting to that point!

I always want to be the best, the prettiest. I have to win. I have to have the best grades, I have to do the best work.. bleh. Its exhausting. But its so hard because all the praise you get for being an overachiever sets up to be afriad to fail. If you fail, others will see you are not perfect, others will see that you are weak. Its the perfectionist attitude that has caused me issues with food, well that and tons of verbal abuse growing up about how much I sucked Which Ive come to terms with THAT, it doesnt bother me anymore because I have built myself up. So its come to where as long as *I* am satisified with me nothing else matters. Just too bad that I expect myself to strive for perfection.

whether people think that bb is disordered or not, i really dont care what they think, for me this is as far away from what i have been doing as you could get. im actually now attempting to make my body stronger, more muscular and healthy. if you have an ED the last thing you want to be told is you look well or healthy, because in your head they are just calling you fat.

as far as fully recovering, i dont believe i ever will. i dont know whether it is possible although i know that some people manage it. i dont know whether i will. for me just being able to function would be amazing.

Amen to this. Even now a couple people have told me, " look at you girl, lookin' all buff" in my mind they were calling me fat, so I had to rationalize that. If I am going to work hard to make my muscles SEEN people are going to comment and they are trying to compliment me. Its just so hard.

imo some people just plain ARE perfectionistic, nitpicking, borderline OCD type individuals (myself included). they NEED something to hold on to. doesn't matter what it is.

my take on it is choose a 'hobby' that's not likely to kill you.

This is the way I see it too. Im ALWAYS going to be obsessed with my body in some form or fashion. ALWAYS. So, I choose to do it as healthy as I can and this is it for me.

[medic24]

I used to have bulimia, and I struggle with emotional eating and occasional binges. I'm also in medical school and while my heart is in family medicine, I have a strong interest in psychiary, and am thinking about making psychotherapy a major component of my future family practice. I've had an opportunity to work with a psychiatrist who deals with EDs (and I'll be coming back for more this summer). There's actually a LOT of research and knowledge out there about eating disorders. There are very particular personalities that end up developing them, and there are very definite stages of personal development that people go through as they get over their EDs. Two hallmarks of an ED personality is lack of maturity when it comes to relationships with others and impulsive behaviours. A lot of patients I've seen who are on track to getting over their ED begin to develop other issues - many inpatients have co-morbid ******* addiction, many are binge drinkers, some exhibit other impulsive behaviours such as grossly overspending to the point where they have to declare bankruptcy.

I know it's kind of insulting to hear that people like you are immature, have issues controlling their impulsivity, etc, but if you are able to step back a bit and analyze your behaviours, it can be a very valuable experience in getting over your eating disorder and hopefully avoid replacing it with another unhealthy behaviour. As someone who's had an eating disorder, I completely agree with everything I've read about EDs when it comes to standards of medical/psychiatric practice, even though it's hard to admit that I sometimes have difficulty with relationships and the like. I think learning more about EDs and the psychiatry behind them would be helpful. If you have access to a university or medical school library in your area, I would definitely suggest checking out something like the "Journal of Eating Disorders" or another psychiatric or family medicine publication with articles on this topic.

[freudaf]

I agree absolutely with FemmeFatale28.
I thought I was doing much better the last few months and now this last week has just been such a mess...I've binged probably 3-4 days out of 5. Luckily I'm not purging anymore and haven't in a while but two days ago I still was not able to leave my house the entire day because of the fear that someone would see me. It infuriates me that some days I am able to look in the mirror and see my progress, and think that I look good, and other days I can't see it and all I see is fat everywhere.
At this point, I have to be very restrictive or everything falls apart and I binge continually.
So I will write up a healthy plan starting Monday and get back on track, I do best when I am following a set schedule. If I can be restrictive/obsessive this way, at least it's better than what it was before.
Courage to everyone else who has posted about this
<3

[HoyOyl]

This is a little off topic but still very much ED related and potentially important for everyone, but yesterday I was watching the Drs. and they had this incredible simulation as well as actual organs and tissues on the show describing/illustrating what happens to your organs and your body as a whole as a result of obesity. It almost took my breath away how damaging it was and of course my next thought was regarding the physiological damage I have done to my own organs as a result of long-term anorexia. I get the big ones like loss of bone mass and shrinking heart muscle but I always hear of kidney and liver damage as well but don’t exactly understand anoriexia’s impact on the less obvious organs/body functions.

I have had anorexia for over 20 years and have been extremely fortunate never to have suffered any real noticeable physiological damage from it. I am also very active and living a fairly vibrant life in spite of it. However, after seeing this show yesterday I’m wondering if it’s just a matter of time before things start breaking down and whether I can reverse it at this stage in the game if they have, i.e kidney, liver, and/or others I’m not even aware of. It scares me to think of it but might be much motivation needed to keeping moving towards recovery – at any level.

If anyone has some insight or references I can tap into regarding the physiological damages associated with long-term anorexia I would appreciate it.
Thanks in advance and stay the course everyone! I am so inspired by all of you who are trying so hard to overcome this! Thanks for sharing your success as well as your struggles!

[Rowyn]

I think that when you're still in the process of working towards recovery, counting and tracking calories and macros are a very bad thing. The best thing you could do is to focus on trying to get more protein and try to make better food choices, but not to the point of obsessiveness. It's good to give your body a break and it's necessary to get rid of some of that rigidity in order to break out of that eating disorder cycle. I'm doing far better with food now, but tracking is still a very bad idea. I just get too obsessed, far too easily.

This^^ is what I meant by saying that perhaps sometimes bodybuilding and all its rules/restrictions/scheduling can actually be attractive to someone with an ED. It is a different way to allow the obsession to continue (for SOME I think).

Then some people have said, well, I would rather be disordered with food in THIS way (ie bodybuilding) than the way I was with an ED....Why be disordered at all? Its not as simple as either BBing versus an ED is it? Because you could do both at once, actually. There are many other things to choose to take on as a hobby that have nothing to do with eating and your physical appearance at all. Its kind of skirting the idea that the reason some want to go with bodybuilding is because it allows them to continue to control.

However, I do certainly agree that if it brings you to a truly healthier state in your body and head, lord knows that's where you need to be versus starving yourself to death.

[Rowyn]

I always want to be the best, the prettiest. I have to win. I have to have the best grades, I have to do the best work.. bleh. Its exhausting. But its so hard because all the praise you get for being an overachiever sets up to be afriad to fail. If you fail, others will see you are not perfect, others will see that you are weak. Its the perfectionist attitude that has caused me issues with food, well that and tons of verbal abuse growing up about how much I sucked Which Ive come to terms with THAT, it doesnt bother me anymore because I have built myself up. So its come to where as long as *I* am satisified with me nothing else matters. Just too bad that I expect myself to strive for perfection.

That DOES sound exhausting, I am sorry that you felt that way about yourself.

I have a friend who had an ED in her twenties, until she had kids. She always wants to be the best/prettiest/whatever. Big problem now though, she is getting older and CAN'T control that. She can work out all day long and eat as well as she can and she will still see a forty-something looking woman in the mirror. She's still pretty, she's still fit, she's just older. So what?? She is unfortunately an incredibly unhappy person, I wish that she could let go of her obsession with her physical appearance because she is a great woman in so many ways. Its good that you are now able to be satisfied with yourself, I wish my friend could have gotten to that point at some time in her life. She misses out on so much that is wonderful with her moods about her body and her obsessiveness with her looks. There is ALWAYS someone who is prettier, smarter, more fit, skinnier, whatever, it is a never ending battle. You have to value you for YOURSELF.

[jdesplas]

I struggled with bulimia/food addiction/binge eating and although I still feel somewhat obsessed with what I eat I do feel I am in recovery. I do not binge/purge anymore. I still struggle with my emotions at times, but not as much. One thing that has really helped me is building my relasionship with god and myself. Secondly, I have discovered fasting which when done correctly can break addiction. Fasting is not something you jump into though, because it's not a quick fix. Breaking the fast correctly takes major self control and GOD. Taking the time to love and lisen to your body and respect it can be emotional because you are forced to face the darkest parts of yourself, the ones you don't like. I know this method may not be for everybody. If one is not ready fasting can lead to binging and gaining more weight overall, and binging leads to purging and the cycle cont. but I can say, so far, it has helped me.

[texaschik]

I struggled with Bulimia for the majority of my 20s. It began as a way to lose weight and then spiraled out of control. I was binging/purging up to five or six times a day at my worst. I remember planning ahead to make certain dishes and weighing myself daily, stressing over the tiniest weight fluctuations. I also remember I was at a very unhappy time in my life. I lived hundreds of miles away from my family and had a very unsupportive husband (well he supported my ED rather than helping me). I was never formally diagnosed because I was too afraid of what might happen to me if I sought help. I was also very suicidal during this time. I finally left my ex and moved closer to family. Once I did that, I confronted my ED on my own and managed to get it under control. I had set-backs along the way, but never anything as bad as before.

I found that I have triggers, and believe-it-or-not, they are NOT food. One trigger is feeling full, like stuffed full similar to how one feels after Thanksgiving dinner. Another was feeling I had no choice over the things in my life - thus, no control. I could control my body, so it became my focus. Another trigger was boredom - or just not having set goals that I am trying to achieve. If I can avoid these triggers, then I am good to go.

I don't believe I will ever be fully recovered, since it in my opinion that old habits die hard (at least in my case). I have to constantly be on the lookout for the feelings, thoughts and "triggers" that might lead me back into my old ways of handling things. For me, controlling my diet and exercise in a positive way keeps me physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.

[MilaGroski]

Bingeing is not healthy. If you are misundestanding carb refeeds and cycling, They care controlled (for most of us).

Bingeing is LACK of or out-of-control behaviour, impulsive, over the top. I have never had an eating disorder, but my sister did.

If you are having trouble with bingeing, I would think it is definitely not good to have so much restriction. Why not have a planned treat meal once a week, one meal, anything you want. Not a CHEAT, not a binge. In a controlled enviro, say at a restaurant.

Best wishes, congrats and continued successes. It sounds like you are still on the journey

[MilaGroski]

I agree absolutely with FemmeFatale28.
I thought I was doing much better the last few months and now this last week has just been such a mess...I've binged probably 3-4 days out of 5. Luckily I'm not purging anymore and haven't in a while but two days ago I still was not able to leave my house the entire day because of the fear that someone would see me. It infuriates me that some days I am able to look in the mirror and see my progress, and think that I look good, and other days I can't see it and all I see is fat everywhere.
At this point, I have to be very restrictive or everything falls apart and I binge continually.
So I will write up a healthy plan starting Monday and get back on track, I do best when I am following a set schedule. If I can be restrictive/obsessive this way, at least it's better than what it was before.
Courage to everyone else who has posted about this
<3

I just wanted to say you are a beautiful, lovely person, and equal to alll of us do not be ashamed. I am sorry you feel you have weakness but you are strong! you can and will overcome, it takes alot of strength to control your behaviour, in both negative and positive ways - so you clearly have the power. We all fall, just keep getting back up stronger each time.

[Ninjasmith]

I understand what you mean! I struggled for years with an eating disorder. I started bodybuilding and changed the way I ate when I was 13. Now, it started out fine and healthy but it soon turned obsessive with food. Long story short, I ended up starving and restricting a lot of calories and lost lots of lean muscle mass. After a few years, I slowly began to recover and gain weight where I binged and gained more weight than I wanted. I think at 13, I just lacked the guidance and resources to know how to workout and eat correctly. Now, I have picked up the weights, was always a natural runner but have met my full potential since I have been training and I am absolutely passionate about it all. I will never go back to those old habits of starving away my hard earned muscle. It just takes time to get out of that mentality...at least for me it has and after several years I can say that I honestly found that perfect balance with food/hunger and knowing what to eat and when to quit eating. It helps to arm myself with nutritional information and focus on what is more nutritious for me, rather than what I can't eat at all. It also helps to focus on times and set goals on performance rather than body shape or looks. If your performance (Run times, bench, weights) is improved...your body will follow and you will look like a beast!

[leannnnn]

Basically - when it comes to the human brain and body --> 'staying comfortable' (the 'easier option') is usually our 'default' settings.
And, as a result, 'lack of change' is also what 'naturally happens'.

So one has to be willing to 'be uncomfortable' if they want to break that habit and see something change (be that in their body, mind or life in general).

LOVE that. I am so glad I found this thread. Been binging at night lately, well not lately, more like for the past year. Just can't get out of this darn habit of eating the same calories at night on my bed post dinner as the same calories throughout the day. Eat so well during the day then the night binge monster just comes out once I'm in bed. So ridiculous.

[pghchick]

Been binging at night lately, well not lately, more like for the past year. Just can't get out of this darn habit of eating the same calories at night on my bed post dinner as the same calories throughout the day. Eat so well during the day then the night binge monster just comes out once I'm in bed. So ridiculous.

The binge monster...I use this term too! Yes, I struggle with binging in the middle of the night when I cannot sleep. My guard goes down when I am tired and paired with bad dreams or "stressmares" I binge. Sorry I do not have advice to give you but it helps to know that you are not alone. I am in the midst of the storm right now...relapse that is.

[catskills]

I think a lot of the times the physiological components of eating disorders are overlooked or misunderstood. Usually the solution or cure for ED end up being too focused on the patient changing their behaviour. Meaning that it isn't just about curing the person's need for perfectionism or emotional eating etc. Bingeing types of disorders are related to a type of addiction, meaning an addiction to carbs. The brain loves carbs, so reducing carbs will upping the fats, and sometimes protein helps reduce bingeing. Ketogenic diets can really help people susceptible to bingeing. In anorexia, the opposite is true, adding carbs will stimulate appetite and help build lean muscle mass.

[FitFoodie1]

Wow this entire thread hit home for me. Channeling into competition dieting was just exchanging one way of disordered eating for another any neither has actually gotten me anywhere I wanted to be. The thing is I LOVE weight lifting heavy weights because it is the only time I really feel strong, powerful and fully embody myself as a woman but the food....well that is still the place where I feel like a small, paranoid little girl where my body insecurities reign and tell me that I need to be as controlled as possible and unfortunately despite having a reputation for "natural, no suffering comp prep" the group I joined from the NE has only increased my confusion and fear of eating normal calories with their 1250 calorie plan for me (a 5'7" 175# 29% BF woman). I will say that protein has always been key for me- the more the better for appetite and satiety regulation and consistent eating even when I am not hungry. If I went by hunger cues I would never eat until suddenly I would be ravishing and then over eat and be sick...not good or supportive. After 7 years of being "in recovery" i am STILL trying to navigate just what that looks like for me...