Know any good jokes?? Post them here. (over 35 content)

[batteryrequired]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they don't sell
rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any".

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde.

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm
deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container.........
"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM !!!

[batteryrequired]

Hellmann's mayonnaise history....
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its April stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But, as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The Titanic hit an iceberg and sank. The cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th.
It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

[phikappa]

Originally posted by batteryrequired
Hellmann's mayonnaise history....
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its April stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But, as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The Titanic hit an iceberg and sank. The cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th.
It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Booooooo.

[Lynne]

Originally posted by batteryrequired
Hellmann's mayonnaise history....
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its April stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.
But, as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The Titanic hit an iceberg and sank. The cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th.
It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Did you make that up, Battery?????

[The Wraith]

A woman was already on the elevator when I entered, as I put down my bag and stood up to press my floor my elbow hit her in the breast.

Ma'am I began to apolgize I know if your heart is as soft as your breast you will forgive me..

I forgive you she said

And if your **** is as hard as your elbow , I'm in room 214

[batteryrequired]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this,"
said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[Sam_I_Am]

Jersey Girls


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their duties.

The first man had married a woman from Pennsylvania. He bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from North Carolina. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Jersey girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

[Lynne]

Originally posted by The Wraith
A woman was already on the elevator when I entered, as I put down my bag and stood up to press my floor my elbow hit her in the breast.

Ma'am I began to apolgize I know if your heart is as soft as your breast you will forgive me..

I forgive you she said

And if your **** is as hard as your elbow , I'm in room 214

OMG! That was you, Wraith!!!!!

[Lynne]

A wife comes home to see her husband walking around the kitchen with a flyswatter. She asks him "Did you kill any flies?" He answers "Yes, 3 males and 2 females." Intrigued, she asks him how he can tell the difference. He says "Three were on a beer can and two were on the telephone."

[maxfocker]

I hope I am posting this correctly in the correct forum.

This is one of my all time favorite jokes:

Gorilla Removers

A man wakes up one morning and there's a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his nuts and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog!

[Brah0fPeace]

lol nice

[benjammin5150]

How do you get a dog to quit humping your leg?


Pick him up and suck his dick.

[Tigress84]

One of the best threads ever!

[cmoore]

when you've been cutting and they turn on the big fan at the gym.

[mtpockets]

when you've been cutting and they turn on the big fan at the gym.

Lmao...

Even a big fan can't stop a Ninja Warrior

[Lou1se]

when you've been cutting and they turn on the big fan at the gym.

Wow, how did I miss this? Hello, cmoore ha ha I see you are still as crazy as ever