[SRS] Depression Discussion and Support Thread Part III

[axiom15]

haven't seen or talked to any of my friends in like 7 weeks.

don't respond to any texts, don't talk to anyone, nothing

just alone and life still fuking sucks

You'll come round man. I think last time this happened to me after my hedgehog died I went 3+ months without speaking or seeing anyone. Eventually I healed up enough to progress again.

I wish we can share experiences here with psychedelics, I feel they truly shaped way to a better path. I had all the tools, everyone does. Just couldn't see what I needed to, though these experiences broke me free from that. I always say I'm not 100% better, never truly will be but I know I'm doing much better than I was years ago.

I've been ok lately, no highs no lows. Thankful for that after getting the urge to end it not to long ago. Almost forgot what that felt like..

[faxanadu]

Long post incoming..


Nope, never seen anyone about it. Never will. No meds either. There isn't anything psychologically wrong with me. I am the way I am because of life circumstances, period. If others had been through what I'd been through, they would understand my feelings. There isn't anything wrong with me mentally.

Good home. Successful parents. Upper middle class. Went to a great uni. Took chemical engineering; I'd argue one of the toughest undergrads you can do. Did pretty well. Got unlucky and didn't get the internships I wanted during school even though I tried really hard. Graduated at a BAD time in the economy. Couldn't find a job. All my friends seemed to get theirs so easily and never had to worry about this stuff. Next 2 years of my life were hell.

Unemployed while grinding my ass off; networking, emails, cold calls, coffees, extra courses and certifications out of pocket, had some interviews where I thought I would get the job and I didn't. So frustrating. Deleted all social media and stopped talking to all my friends because I was ashamed I still didn't have a job. Father got cancer, stopped working, I had to step up and support my mom and sister. Not money wise, he was still getting paid and my mom has a good job, just time and the little things; taking him to the hospital, picking up my sister from school/taking her there and to her activities, grocery shopping. Just other stuff my mom couldn't do all alone because my dad was bedridden from chemo. On top of still trying to find a job, couldn't handle it. Basically all of 2016 is a blur. Suicidal tendencies popped up. Basically shut down. But was still grinding with my extra courses and stuff.


Fastforward like 6 months ago. Finally got a job, unpaid internship in the field I want to get into. Been working there full time, UNPAID just to gain experience. Still networking trying to find my first real job out of uni and It's still such a fuking grind. My buddies all have 2+ years experience and some of them are making 6 figures and I'm working for free. Can't seem to get a job to save my life. And because I have no income, I can't move out and start my own life. So, I'm stuck. I look at my resume and I can't believe that I'm unemployed to be honest. In the midst of some networking now but I fear that It'll end up going nowhere as usual.

-Great school
-Great degree
-Did decently well overall but my trailing GPA over the last 2.5 years is pretty darn good
-Now about 9 months of internship experience and some good project work in school
-2 additional certifications 1 eng, 1 finance related
-taking level 3 of the CFA exam in 2018

Like, I'm basically just ready to give up because I don't know what to do anymore. When you try this hard for so long and nothing good happens for you, you just want it all to stop because it can't be worth this. And for the last 2 years I've basically shut myself off from the world and everyone because I'm so unhappy with everything in my life. I just want to start my own life. Get a job so I can burn money away on rent. Being a corporate slave would be a step up. I don't want anything glamorous, not trying to be a millionaire with as little work as possible. I just want to get a job, work hard, and put my head down. But the world won't even let me do that.

Honest question... did you actually enjoy studying engineering?

I never finished my EE, but they certainly used my talents in the oil field as if i did. I worked around a bunch of engineers all making great money. Out of the 50-100 that i know relatively well, i seriously can't think of one that didn't look like they had their soul intact. There were a bunch that were 9-5 zombies ... and then there were a bunch that seemed liked they dreamed of being a NASA engineer growing up, the flame went out, and now they just rot inside. My own brother quit his EE job (it was sucking the life out of him) to start a sustainable farm on his land, raise his kids, invent chit, build chit, and is 100x happier.

Have you considered using your talents to start your own business or invent something?

Side note:

I've always been fascinated by highly intelligent people... among the millions of other random chit i get obsessed with. Highly intelligent people are likely to have depression issues. I think there is a slight paradox with them: They wan't to know and understand everything, but that leads to a weird emptiness and lack of fulfillment. I remember going down the list of the worlds most intelligent people and finding it interesting how many of them preferred solitude and weren't doing anything mind-blowing like particle physics or string theory. Pretty interesting.

[faxanadu]

Taking medication would be admitting that I think there is something mentally wrong with me that needs fixing. But there isn't, so I don't want to take any meds that could really screw with my mind and body. And I just don't trust therapists. I don't understand the whole process of it. I pay someone to talk to me and they listen to me for an hour and they think they know me well enough to tell me why I'm feeling the way that I'm feeling and what's wrong with me? Just can't buy into it. I'd rather suffer it alone

You'd run circles around a therapist with your IQ. So i completely agree with you.

[TheWeeknd4Ever]

Honest question... did you actually enjoy studying engineering?

I never finished my EE, but they certainly used my talents in the oil field as if i did. I worked around a bunch of engineers all making great money. Out of the 50-100 that i know relatively well, i seriously can't think of one that didn't look like they had their soul intact. There were a bunch that were 9-5 zombies ... and then there were a bunch that seemed liked they dreamed of being a NASA engineer growing up, the flame went out, and now they just rot inside. My own brother quit his EE job to start a sustainable farm on his land, raise his kids, invent chit, build chit, and is 100x happier.

Have you considered using your talents to start your own business or invent something? I could certainly give you some oilfield problems that no company has solved yet which would make you a millionaire overnight.

Honestly, didn't enjoy it at all. Excruciatingly difficult, worked incredibly hard but the curriculum and profs still found a way to screw you. Almost seemed unreasonably difficult and the workload was just WAYYYY to much to be honest. Obviously there were kids getting 3.8 and 3.9 gpa's so maybe I'm just salty but, it wasn't for me at the end of the day.

Taught me a lot about myself and a lot about work ethic, analytical skill, problem solving, and it taught me how to learn which I will always be grateful for. But, it's not for me career wise. Trying to move into finance right now. Sh*t show all around. The whole job process is ridiculous. Not even sure how people start their careers these days when 2 years work experience is required for entry level positions.

Businesses should be investing in PEOPLE not credentials. Doesn't matter how much experience you have, when you go to a new job there will be a learning curve. You don't actually contribute anything of value for many a few months anyway. So, why not invest in PEOPLE who have the credentials to do the job (regardless of experience, for ENTRY level positions) but have the necessary work ethic, drive, and passion to learn, work hard, and just get things done. In 2 months, that "experience" that you were craving so hard in the beginning will be meaningless as all new hires will basically equalize and everyone will be on the same plane. At that point, you're now looking for who has the character to go the extra mile. Who is a long term hire here, who is looking to go above and beyond? Who do I want to grab a beer with?

A lot of this seems to be missing these days.

You'd run circles around a therapist with your IQ. So i completely agree with you.

Lol, I'm not that smart man. I just think I have it out for therapists. Never liked the idea of it.

[Peppesbodega]

Jo

Long post incoming..


Nope, never seen anyone about it. Never will. No meds either. There isn't anything psychologically wrong with me. I am the way I am because of life circumstances, period. If others had been through what I'd been through, they would understand my feelings. There isn't anything wrong with me mentally.

Good home. Successful parents. Upper middle class. Went to a great uni. Took chemical engineering; I'd argue one of the toughest undergrads you can do. Did pretty well. Got unlucky and didn't get the internships I wanted during school even though I tried really hard. Graduated at a BAD time in the economy. Couldn't find a job. All my friends seemed to get theirs so easily and never had to worry about this stuff. Next 2 years of my life were hell.

Unemployed while grinding my ass off; networking, emails, cold calls, coffees, extra courses and certifications out of pocket, had some interviews where I thought I would get the job and I didn't. So frustrating. Deleted all social media and stopped talking to all my friends because I was ashamed I still didn't have a job. Father got cancer, stopped working, I had to step up and support my mom and sister. Not money wise, he was still getting paid and my mom has a good job, just time and the little things; taking him to the hospital, picking up my sister from school/taking her there and to her activities, grocery shopping. Just other stuff my mom couldn't do all alone because my dad was bedridden from chemo. On top of still trying to find a job, couldn't handle it. Basically all of 2016 is a blur. Suicidal tendencies popped up. Basically shut down. But was still grinding with my extra courses and stuff.


Fastforward like 6 months ago. Finally got a job, unpaid internship in the field I want to get into. Been working there full time, UNPAID just to gain experience. Still networking trying to find my first real job out of uni and It's still such a fuking grind. My buddies all have 2+ years experience and some of them are making 6 figures and I'm working for free. Can't seem to get a job to save my life. And because I have no income, I can't move out and start my own life. So, I'm stuck. I look at my resume and I can't believe that I'm unemployed to be honest. In the midst of some networking now but I fear that It'll end up going nowhere as usual.

-Great school
-Great degree
-Did decently well overall but my trailing GPA over the last 2.5 years is pretty darn good
-Now about 9 months of internship experience and some good project work in school
-2 additional certifications 1 eng, 1 finance related
-taking level 3 of the CFA exam in 2018

Like, I'm basically just ready to give up because I don't know what to do anymore. When you try this hard for so long and nothing good happens for you, you just want it all to stop because it can't be worth this. And for the last 2 years I've basically shut myself off from the world and everyone because I'm so unhappy with everything in my life. I just want to start my own life. Get a job so I can burn money away on rent. Being a corporate slave would be a step up. I don't want anything glamorous, not trying to be a millionaire with as little work as possible. I just want to get a job, work hard, and put my head down. But the world won't even let me do that.

I was in the same situation man.
What it boiled down to for be Was a complete shift in mindset. I was - You are(?) - 100% programmed by society - > youve done everything that is expected from You, still no "success".

The mindshift lies in redefiining success. The mindshift lies in stripping down all ilusions in society, into finding True gratitude just from meeting a family member. Just from doing what You truly want to do - 100%regardless of money.

I got humble as a mofo, and realized that this stress/competition is based on the ego and its only a matter of time before i got sick from it.

It all boils down into finding gratitude for what You have-family, nature, experiences, health and presence. - through meditation and practice g gratitude each Day.

In The long run, well paid Jobs just program You to buy things in order to lessen anxiety. They might be more lost than anyone, in the end everyone is search ingen for peace, presence, gratitude - Joy. People lost in society jump on diets etc etc, new trends every day thinking it Will help them. The way to find that is to learn how to become present and to aporeciate the smallest gifts in life, like a Walk in the forest.

This is what People pay coaches for when feeling empty and depressed even though they have cars houses career etc...

I would reccomemd the podcast "knowledge for men" - start from The beginning.

Try to find something that gives You purpose in life in your situation - what ever it is. That might just be the biggest gift..

To lessen stress: be in nature, be amongst People a couple of times a week (some organisation, club etc,), eat health y, avoid stimulants. Check out small does of 5htp.
Check out "power of now" eckhart tolle.

Youll make it man..
Peace!

[faxanadu]

Honestly, didn't enjoy it at all. Excruciatingly difficult, worked incredibly hard but the curriculum and profs still found a way to screw you. Almost seemed unreasonably difficult and the workload was just WAYYYY to much to be honest. Obviously there were kids getting 3.8 and 3.9 gpa's so maybe I'm just salty but, it wasn't for me at the end of the day.

Taught me a lot about myself and a lot about work ethic, analytical skill, problem solving, and it taught me how to learn which I will always be grateful for. But, it's not for me career wise. Trying to move into finance right now. Sh*t show all around. The whole job process is ridiculous. Not even sure how people start their careers these days when 2 years work experience is required for entry level positions.

Businesses should be investing in PEOPLE not credentials. Doesn't matter how much experience you have, when you go to a new job there will be a learning curve. You don't actually contribute anything of value for many a few months anyway. So, why not invest in PEOPLE who have the credentials to do the job (regardless of experience, for ENTRY level positions) but have the necessary work ethic, drive, and passion to learn, work hard, and just get things done. In 2 months, that "experience" that you were craving so hard in the beginning will be meaningless as all new hires will basically equalize and everyone will be on the same plane. At that point, you're now looking for who has the character to go the extra mile. Who is a long term hire here, who is looking to go above and beyond? Who do I want to grab a beer with?

A lot of this seems to be missing these days.

I did my time in the corporate world. Some weeks i did 120+ hours. Made good money, but soul sucked the life out of me. I did IT work, engineering work, product development, programming, technical writing, teaching, and managing. In the end, nobody really cared too much... 90% were 9-5 zombies so you can't expect them to. I eventually gave it all a big middle finger and went hiking lol. I will tell you some things i noticed...

1. The smartest and most hard working people = they usually got fuk-all.
2. The people that got advancement and chit were the brown-nosers.
3. The other group of people that got advancement were the job hoppers.
4. The people in #2/#3 were usually personable, always networking, always small talk BS about sports and crap.
5. The people that put in 20+ years to become big managers, VPs, and CEOs. Be prepared for them to be so stuck in their ways it's frustrating and annoying.
6. You're going to run into a lot of crooked, fake, douchebag, throw you under the bus people in finance.

I'll leave you with this quote i heard the other day...

“You can fail at what you don't want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.”

[TheWeeknd4Ever]

You'll come round man. I think last time this happened to me after my hedgehog died I went 3+ months without speaking or seeing anyone. Eventually I healed up enough to progress again.

I wish we can share experiences here with psychedelics, I feel they truly shaped way to a better path. I had all the tools, everyone does. Just couldn't see what I needed to, though these experiences broke me free from that. I always say I'm not 100% better, never truly will be but I know I'm doing much better than I was years ago.

I've been ok lately, no highs no lows. Thankful for that after getting the urge to end it not to long ago. Almost forgot what that felt like..

Honestly, I want to rollercoaster to end man. We were talking a month or so ago and I was doing ok then. Now, not so much. These swings are so tiring.....

[KRANE]

Just the wear and tear on the body. Aging and losing your glow. Mid life crisis and possible financial problems for some people. Regret of a wasted youth. If I'm 50 and have a decent life id be ok being older, but if I still have these problems idk what I'm going to do

I agree, the body does slow down as we age, but most of what many consider aging is really just people that become lazy and give up. Their physical decline follows their emotion decline. For those that take care of themselves physically it translates to a better emotional state.

On my way home, I see this grey haired cyclist ripping down the road nearly keeping up with cars. You'd be surprise what people can do in their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

[eod8989]

My depression has been getting bad lately. Been thinking if it's something physically or chemically wrong with depressed people's brain, or if it's entirely based on their environment? Can't imagine still feeling this bad if I suddenly won the lottery for example, but maybe i would. I just can't stop thinking about how pointless everything is. Just want these feelings of emptiness to go away

Same here, I don't know if it's chemical or something else. I think mine is purely environment though because when something interesting comes up or i go buy something, the pain temporarily goes away. Literally the mental and physical pain subsides while I'm in the moment enjoying something.

I've also noticed the more I talk to ppl the better I feel. When I'm just sitting on my pc at home I feel like **** and get negative thoughts

[KRANE]

Same here, I don't know if it's chemical or something else. I think mine is purely environment though because when something interesting comes up or i go buy something, the pain temporarily goes away. Literally the mental and physical pain subsides while I'm in the moment enjoying something.

I've also noticed the more I talk to ppl the better I feel. When I'm just sitting on my pc at home I feel like **** and get negative thoughts

Unlikely since no one component exists in independently. The biopsychosocial model may apply here?

[Peppesbodega]

I agree, the body does slow down as we age, but most of what many consider aging is really just people that become lazy and give up. Their physical decline follows their emotion decline. For those that take care of themselves physically it translates to a better emotional state.

On my way home, I see this grey haired cyclist ripping down the road nearly keeping up with cars. You'd be surprise what people can do in their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

Tony hawk did a 900 at 48 years of age.

[faxanadu]

I agree, the body does slow down as we age, but most of what many consider aging is really just people that become lazy and give up. Their physical decline follows their emotion decline. For those that take care of themselves physically it translates to a better emotional state.

On my way home, I see this grey haired cyclist ripping down the road nearly keeping up with cars. You'd be surprise what people can do in their 40s, 50s, and 60s.

Your right about mind -> body. I saw a bunch of 60+ year olds on the Appalachian Trail. Saw a ripped 65 year old doing 100 mile days on the Great Divide Mountain Bike Route. Where i saw that guy was in the Great Basin in Wyoming and it was nothing but heat, no water, and no people (except us bicyclists) for 100 miles. Most 20 year old people believe they can't walk 10 miles in a day... by the time they reach 50... zero chance.

[faxanadu]

Tony hawk did a 900 at 48 years of age.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Inglis

Dude was 47 and missing both legs from the knee down when he reached the summit of Everest in 2006.

[faxanadu]

Same here, I don't know if it's chemical or something else. I think mine is purely environment though because when something interesting comes up or i go buy something, the pain temporarily goes away. Literally the mental and physical pain subsides while I'm in the moment enjoying something.

I've also noticed the more I talk to ppl the better I feel. When I'm just sitting on my pc at home I feel like **** and get negative thoughts

Dude, you know exactly what you need to do. You just choose to stay in the same spot and suffer. Is there some kind of mobster that you rent an apartment from that is keeping you from leaving? Do you owe a motorcycle gang a bunch of money and they're going to kidnap your entire family unless you keep working?

I'm just curious because you clearly know you need to burn the boat and get out of dodge. You're not going to 'think' your way out of it... when all you think is negative thoughts. Relocate to a new city, take a job on a cruise line, go travel, join the peace corps, go work abroad. Save yourself and go do something 180 degrees different and 180x as "interesting" as what you're doing now.

[BigTimePlayer]

Still feel like **** about that girl turning me down. It just bothers me that she likely moved on extremely quick while 3 days later I still feel like ****. I just wish I had a social life so I could get over this stuff more easily. But since I'm by myself the vast majority of the time everything just feels isolating & empty when I don't have her to talk to anymore. Just knowing the fact that I'll never get to speak to her again sucks. I could have stayed in touch with her as a friend since it seems she legitimately wanted to be friends & make plans with me to hang out just it wouldn't of been the same. If I saw pictures with her with another guy or her mentioning liking some guy it would have destroyed me bad. I deleted her off everything & am trying to move on but it's really difficult.

[2RDEYE]

spent all of yesterday sleeping. had the worst migraine. i did have a blood test in the morning though. i hate getting them. i always end up throwing up and fainting. doctor wanted to me to get one after i told him about being mentally ill, maybe he could possibly help my low energy.

[BigTimePlayer]

Man why does life have to be endless torture. It's like even when I try I still get a kick in the ass & feel worse. I don't get how some people get to live great lives while others just waste away no matter what they do. I just don't understand this anymore. My life is just wasting away here with emptiness & isolation. I don't think anything would make me feel better at this point.

[eod8989]

Man why does life have to be endless torture. It's like even when I try I still get a kick in the ass & feel worse. I don't get how some people get to live great lives while others just waste away no matter what they do. I just don't understand this anymore. My life is just wasting away here with emptiness & isolation. I don't think anything would make me feel better at this point.

It just feels like you are sitting in a jail cell. Even though you can go outside and go anywhere you want, it just seems pointless without friends.

I think normal people are always doing new things and meeting new people. It seems like the only way to live. But if you don't have any connections you can't do that.

[BigTimePlayer]

It just feels like you are sitting in a jail cell. Even though you can go outside and go anywhere you want, it just seems pointless without friends.

I think normal people are always doing new things and meeting new people. It seems like the only way to live. But if you don't have any connections you can't do that.

Yeah, I agree. It's like most people are going out doing things a lot. 98% of the time I'm either just at work, the gym or at home. I don't have a social life & it's horrible. It's pretty much impossible to meet anyone at my age since they all have their own groups of friends & ****. Not sure what to do anymore.

[eod8989]

Yeah, I agree. It's like most people are going out doing things a lot. 98% of the time I'm either just at work, the gym or at home. I don't have a social life & it's horrible. It's pretty much impossible to meet anyone at my age since they all have their own groups of friends & ****. Not sure what to do anymore.

Yeah man i've just been sitting here since 4 am on the computer. I went out for a few hours earlier but got bored. I'm probably going to lift here in a bit and then repeat tomorrow. Every day is the same.

[wooosh3]

haven't seen or talked to any of my friends in like 7 weeks.

don't respond to any texts, don't talk to anyone, nothing

just alone and life still fuking sucks

at least you got friends brah

[2RDEYE]

at least you got friends brah

truth. i haven't had friends since i was 18 and those were online friends

not that i care anymore, but sometimes i think about it, i'm sure my life would have been significantly different if i grew up having friends.

[KingofLifts]

Phuck, I wish I could find some way to help you brahs out. It seems like a lot of y'all are in some dark places.

[MrDevereaux]

So, don't forget your meds if you go somewhere. Was doing fine. Tapering off Mirtazapine and down to 15mg every two days (so really 7.6mg a day). Packed enough for holiday. Got to destination and realise I hadn't packed it. Thought, whatever, I'm down to a low dose, will be fine. Few days after last dose start feeling really weird. Try to just get through it but it gets worse. Eventually panic and unbelievably manage to get the med from a pharmacy without a prescription.

Assumed I would take it again and be 100% fine. Hasn't worked out like that. Don't feel the withrdrawal anymore but in a deep, bleak depression. Thinking pretty much constantly about ending it.

[faxanadu]

Phuck, I wish I could find some way to help you brahs out. It seems like a lot of y'all are in some dark places.

People first have to stop blaming themselves. Then, they have to want help and answers.

[KRANE]

Still feel like **** about that girl turning me down. It just bothers me that she likely moved on extremely quick while 3 days later I still feel like ****. I just wish I had a social life so I could get over this stuff more easily. But since I'm by myself the vast majority of the time everything just feels isolating & empty when I don't have her to talk to anymore. Just knowing the fact that I'll never get to speak to her again sucks. I could have stayed in touch with her as a friend since it seems she legitimately wanted to be friends & make plans with me to hang out just it wouldn't of been the same. If I saw pictures with her with another guy or her mentioning liking some guy it would have destroyed me bad. I deleted her off everything & am trying to move on but it's really difficult.

That's because you're fixated on one girl with there's a billion more where she came from. Weap for a moment if you have to then dust yourself off and move on.

The saying is old but there's too many fish in the sea to let one girl get you down. One more thing, do you think she's wallowing in depression over losing you?

[eod8989]

Im thinking about applying somewhere else, but if I do I'll be stuck in a cube and don't know where I'll be put. What if I am around annoying coworkers? What if I hate my job even more? I just don't know what to do. Plus id have to wait another 2 years for a raise

[2RDEYE]

Im thinking about applying somewhere else, but if I do I'll be stuck in a cube and don't know where I'll be put. What if I am around annoying coworkers? What if I hate my job even more? I just don't know what to do. Plus id have to wait another 2 years for a raise

that's what's stopping me from making any move too. the overwhelming anxiety. i ****ing hate it. it's like stopping me from doing anything, like jobs or school. or what the **** i'm doing with my life. it's agonizing. i'm too scared to get a job, too anxious to go to school. the anxiety is overwhelming, it's too much.

i was trying to explain to my doctor, that i get all these infinite unstoppable running thoughts in my head because i'm anxious of everything, but he said my depression was more severe than my anxiety. so he only got me anti-depressants. i think it's supposed to work for both though

[eod8989]

that's what's stopping me from making any move too. the overwhelming anxiety. i ****ing hate it. it's like stopping me from doing anything, like jobs or school. or what the **** i'm doing with my life. it's agonizing. i'm too scared to get a job, too anxious to go to school. the anxiety is overwhelming, it's too much.

i was trying to explain to my doctor, that i get all these infinite unstoppable running thoughts in my head because i'm anxious of everything, but he said my depression was more severe than my anxiety. so he only got me anti-depressants. i think it's supposed to work for both though

It's not so much the anxiety, but just going to a new area or something and hating my life even more. You never know who you're going to be stuck with in the office. You never know if you'll have a douche boss. A lot of jobs require you to be on the phones. I will be stuck in a cube all day. At least right now i don't have to worry about all of that stuff.

I do have anxiety though. Especially being in the office. I'm just not mentally tough enough anymore to do anything that takes effort. Once i've been in there for a couple hours i feel very strange, like i'm imprisoned. I will randomly just start feeling sick or something so i just run a mile outside in my work clothes. It's horrible. Maybe if i had friends there i wouldn't feel this way, i dunno.

[faxanadu]

that's what's stopping me from making any move too. the overwhelming anxiety. i ****ing hate it. it's like stopping me from doing anything, like jobs or school. or what the **** i'm doing with my life. it's agonizing. i'm too scared to get a job, too anxious to go to school. the anxiety is overwhelming, it's too much.

i was trying to explain to my doctor, that i get all these infinite unstoppable running thoughts in my head because i'm anxious of everything, but he said my depression was more severe than my anxiety. so he only got me anti-depressants. i think it's supposed to work for both though

What if someone told you it is not the anxiety?

Have you ever viewed your negative emotions as a result of your thinking in the moment just like blood is the result of physical damage in the moment? If you pick at a wound ... it keeps bleeding. If you pick at certain thoughts... you keep getting negative emotions.

We took the bus up to the park and walked cross-country over crackling leaves
scattered in thick piles among the pine, birch, and elm trees surrounding us. We
unpacked the food on a grassy knoll in full view of the warm sun. I flopped down
on the blanket, anxious to roast in the sun, and hoped Joy would join me.

Without warming, the wind picked up and clouds gathered. I couldn't believe it.

It had begun to rain— first a drizzle, then a sudden downpour. I grabbed my
shirt and put it on, cursing. Socrates only laughed.

"How can you think this is funny!" I chided him. "We're getting soaked, there's
no bus for an hour, and the food's mined. Joy made the food; I'm sure she
doesn't think its so," Joy was laughing too,

"I'm not laughing at the rain," Soc said. "I'm laughing at you." He roared, and
rolled in the wet leaves. Joy started doing a dance routine to "Singing' in the
Rain." Ginger Rogers and the Buddha— it was too much.

The rain ended as suddenly as it had begun. The sun broke through and soon our
food and clothes were dry.

"I guess my rain dance worked." Joy took a bow.

As Joy sat behind my slumped form and gave my shoulders a rub, Socrates spoke.
"It's time you began learning from your life experiences instead of complaining
about them, or basking in them, Dan. Two very important lessons just offered
themselves to you; they fell out of the sky, so to speak." I dug into the food,
trying not to listen.

"First," he said, munching on some lettuce, "neither your disappointment nor
your anger was caused by the rain."

My mouth was too full of potato salad for me to protest. Socrates continued,
regally waving a carrot slice at me.

"The rain was a perfectly lawful display of nature. Your 'upset' at the mined
picnic and your 'happiness' when the sun reappeared were the product of your
thoughts. They had nothing to do with the actual events. Haven't you been
'unhappy' at celebrations for example? It is obvious then, that your mind, not
other people or your surroundings, is the source of your moods. That is the
first lesson."

Swallowing his potato salad, Soc said, "The second lesson comes from observing
how you became even more angry when you noticed that I wasn't upset in the
least. You began to see yourself compared to a warrior-, two warriors, if you
please." He grinned at Joy. "You didn't like that, did you, Dan? It might have
implied a change was necessary."