Question: Opting out of Marriage.. unrealistic?

[tresjjjolie]

hi ladies (and gents)


Are there any women on here who opted not to get married (or not to get married again)? How do you deal with family, friends, society and their labels and hallmark concerns

Any one who wants to have kids? Is this possible in a fulfilling, happy healthy way?

I'm not someone who believes men are unnecessary - I love masculinity in all its glory. I just feel like I'm coming to a realization (like a giant black cloud looming over my head) that I'm not cut out for certain things and more than any guy who abuses my love, I would hate myself most for mistakingly letting someone of poor character in my life.

I don't even think I'm unusual in any way since I know plenty of wonderful women.. people really. But I feel like I'm crazy when I hear about marriage and dating nowadays. The rituals, the games. I honestly don't relate to so much of it, its feeling pointless.. My attitude is very 'live and let live' and so a lot of things are lost on me. Its coming to the point where 'growing up' and thinking about the future is feeling painful because I don't want to know how ugly the battle of the sexes can get.

I'm just very very likely to become a 'casualty' of war and I just.. don't want any part of it honestly. Just want a peaceful life


How do you have a fulfilling life full of love in its various forms when someone robs you of your ability to trust? Can voluntarily skipping the marriage thing work

really

[Ion26]

Are you serious...

You're only 23...trust me you'll meet someone who will blow you away when you least expect it.

You just have to open your heart

[tresjjjolie]

Are you serious...

You're only 23...trust me you'll meet someone who will blow you away when you least expect it.

You just have to open your heart

hi - thanks
just corrected my body space thing - I'm 26

not to say what you're saying isn't true but it doesn't feel that simple to me. I lived a whole lot of life from pretty early on, serious relationships and all. I don't think I'm coming from a place of sheer naiveté .. some maybe. but not sheer lol

[Ion26]

hi - thanks
just corrected my body space thing - I'm 26

not to say what you're saying isn't true but it doesn't feel that simple to me. I lived a whole lot of life from pretty early on, serious relationships and all. I don't think I'm coming from a place of sheer naiveté .. some maybe. but not sheer lol

So like why exactly went wrong? Bad breaks? Bad experiences?

[erinlee01]

Not unrealistic. No reason to get married if you don't want to. You never should do anything because of what other people want.

[Wyomann]

You don't have to be married to have a happy life or happy relationship. A lot of people have long term committed relationships without being married.

Other people really enjoy marriage. It depends on what the meaning of marriage is to you. For some there is a big difference between being "Life Partners" and "Long time girlfriend" versus Husband and Wife is enormous.

When I read your comments it seems like the emphasis is on "is it possible to have a long term happy relationship" rather than the institution of marriage. It sounds like you are a bit jaded by past experiences and by the group of friends you hang out with or articles you read.

[cyanotikat]

Yeah to the children thing... I knew at age 15-16 and told my whole family that I'm never having children. They all thought it was a "phase" and "Oh, you'll change your mind." Nope, ~10 years later.. still not happening... No question about it.
People at work always ask if I have kids followed by how old are you question and then give me a stupid face because I don't have a kid. Sorry, I want to be able to afford the things I want and I feel that this world is already over-populated. For some reason this seems to be foreign to 99% of people.
As for marriage... Only once and it better be worth it

[Wyomann]

For some reason this seems to be foreign to 99% of people.
As for marriage... Only once and it better be worth it

Does that surprise you? It is instinctual to want to reproduce. Not wanting to reproduce is abnormal. I'm not saying it is bad, but it is abnormal.

The world is overpopulating with inferior genetics IMO. Unfortunately more intelligent people tend to have less offspring than their counterparts which doesn't bode well for the future.

I only wanted to have 2 kids, but was then divorced. My current GF and I both have College of Engineering degrees and competed in College sports; now I want to have 2 more kids just to improve the gene pool of the world from our breeding.

[erinlee01]

Yeah to the children thing... I knew at age 15-16 and told my whole family that I'm never having children. They all thought it was a "phase" and "Oh, you'll change your mind." Nope, ~10 years later.. still not happening... No question about it.
People at work always ask if I have kids followed by how old are you question and then give me a stupid face because I don't have a kid. Sorry, I want to be able to afford the things I want and I feel that this world is already over-populated. For some reason this seems to be foreign to 99% of people.
As for marriage... Only once and it better be worth it

Maybe the way you answer it is why get a "stupid look". In my experience, many people who don't want kids just can't say so. They have to be sure to put down the whole idea of anyone wants kids. Not saying that you are doing it deliberately, or that you even are, but it's something to consider.

Just like people who don't want kids, people who do want them don't want to be judged / put down for their decision.

[tresjjjolie]

You don't have to be married to have a happy life or happy relationship. A lot of people have long term committed relationships without being married.

Other people really enjoy marriage. It depends on what the meaning of marriage is to you. For some there is a big difference between being "Life Partners" and "Long time girlfriend" versus Husband and Wife is enormous.

When I read your comments it seems like the emphasis is on "is it possible to have a long term happy relationship" rather than the institution of marriage. It sounds like you are a bit jaded by past experiences and by the group of friends you hang out with or articles you read.

I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand I'm not "married to the idea of marriage" .. I didn't spend copious amounts of time dreaming of the perfect wedding. In a perfect world I picture a Life Partner, as you call it, whether he is called a husband or not. If I had this, I would be at peace.

However yes, I've had bad experiences and now a guy will ask me to shack up, even in jest, and trigger a shrill lol out of me. The same mechanism thats turning me off from marriage is heightened with a "live in boyfriend". In both instances I do not trust some guy to be there like he says he will, to honestly try at the relationship, or to be loyal. In fact, loyalty is the most important thing to me and I'm coming to a point where I feel I need to expect cheating. And since I can't handle it, I just need to leave the whole thing alone altogether. It affects me enough to start thinking of alternate lifestyles for myself.

I mean really - whats the general idea in our dating culture. "don't like x about a person? lol line someone else up and bye".

My closest group of friends are good folk who don't harp on this kind of thing. Possibly not enough life experience? idk
But yeah the stuff I read and hear absolutely everywhere about the opposite sex, their general attitudes now and such.. seeing how people treat each other..its starting to really get to me

[cyanotikat]

Maybe the way you answer it is why get a "stupid look". In my experience, many people who don't want kids just can't say so. They have to be sure to put down the whole idea of anyone wants kids. Not saying that you are doing it deliberately, or that you even are, but it's something to consider.

Just like people who don't want kids, people who do want them don't want to be judged / put down for their decision.

Nono, sorry if it came off that way. Not putting anyone down at all. You control what you want. Just stating my opinion and why I feel that way. It doesn't bother me if other people have kids. It doesn't make me angry like hoho you have kids I'm never talking to you. It's cool that you are living how you want and are doing what makes you happy :P Bottom line

Edit: As for the "stupid look." I merely answer, "no," with no addons.

[Ion26]

Yeah to the children thing... I knew at age 15-16 and told my whole family that I'm never having children. They all thought it was a "phase" and "Oh, you'll change your mind." Nope, ~10 years later.. still not happening... No question about it.
People at work always ask if I have kids followed by how old are you question and then give me a stupid face because I don't have a kid. Sorry, I want to be able to afford the things I want and I feel that this world is already over-populated. For some reason this seems to be foreign to 99% of people.
As for marriage... Only once and it better be worth it

I still think that you'll change your mind

I've always said since I was young that I wanted to have 5-6 kids.

[erinlee01]

Nono, sorry if it came off that way. Not putting anyone down at all. You control what you want. Just stating my opinion and why I feel that way. It doesn't bother me if other people have kids. It doesn't make me angry like hoho you have kids I'm never talking to you. It's cool that you are living how you want and are doing what makes you happy :P

No, I know what you meant and wasn't trying to say you looked down on people who did. I just think sometimes when it comes to sensitive topics like this, people misunderstand each other or probably more to the point, are overly defensive. Which can come out in your (the collective your, not you specifically) responses. And that goes for everyone on any similar topic.

I've caught myself doing it when questioned about being divorced, not having any kids with my current husband, etc. It's just human nature. I work very hard to not automatically get my shackles up when someone asks.

I have kids, but I fully recognize that they aren't for everyone. And honestly I applaud anyone who's self aware enough to know that about themselves and don't do it just because "people" say they should.

[Wyomann]

I don't know how I feel about this. On one hand I'm not "married to the idea of marriage" .. I didn't spend copious amounts of time dreaming of the perfect wedding. In a perfect world I picture a Life Partner, as you call it, whether he is called a husband or not. If I had this, I would be at peace.

However yes, I've had bad experiences and now a guy will ask me to shack up, even in jest, and trigger a shrill lol out of me. The same mechanism thats turning me off from marriage is heightened with a "live in boyfriend". In both instances I do not trust some guy to be there like he says he will, to honestly try at the relationship, or to be loyal. In fact, loyalty is the most important thing to me and I'm coming to a point where I feel I need to expect cheating. And since I can't handle it, I just need to leave the whole thing alone altogether. It affects me enough to start thinking of alternate lifestyles for myself.

I mean really - whats the general idea in our dating culture. "don't like x about a person? lol line someone else up and bye".

My closest group of friends are good folk who don't harp on this kind of thing. Possibly not enough life experience? idk
But yeah the stuff I read and hear absolutely everywhere about the opposite sex, their general attitudes now and such.. seeing how people treat each other..its starting to really get to me

You just have to be strong enough to find what you want. If you want a good guy who is committed, loyal, responsible, and takes care of business then you can find one. It might not be easy, but if that is what you want you can have it.

If you would rather live some alternative lifestyle you can do that too. You just have to look within yourself and decide you are going to make what you truly want happen.

Just don't put up a wall so high that if you find the guy you want you won't allow him into your life.

I've known a lot of good dudes and a lot of dbag types like you describe. Unfortunately the good guys are usually less skilled at picking up/approaching women because they don't do it as often and tend to pick women more carefully because they want something that isn't just a fling.

[cyanotikat]

I still think that you'll change your mind

I've always said since I was young that I wanted to have 5-6 kids.

Is this an offer of procreation?
Giggity!

Lmao <3 kidding.

[UnaChispita]

OP,

To make a long story short. I have never been married. I had a LTR and lived with my bf.

At this point in my life, I do not want to be married. I'm not saying it couldn't happen--but the relationship would have to be amazing for me to give up my independence.

In answer to your question--

I feel very fortunate. I've had a fantastic life! Marriage does not necessarily make somebody happy. Ask some of the folks on here! But I want to echo what others have said--it sounds like you are more jaded about relationships in general and not marriage specifically.

And yes, people do make comments about my singleness, but I don't care.
I simply say: "Hey, I'm so glad you are happy being married. I know how happy I am being single."

[Ion26]

Is this an offer of procreation?
Giggity!

Lmao <3 kidding.

Lulz.

I agree with wyomann on the fact of not being so guarded that you won't let anyone in. You might miss out on an opportunity that would forever change your life for the better.

[Wyomann]

OP,

To make a long story short. I have never been married. I had a LTR and lived with my bf.

At this point in my life, I do not want to be married. I'm not saying it couldn't happen--but the relationship would have to be amazing for me to give up my independence.

In answer to your question--

I feel very fortunate. I've had a fantastic life! Marriage does not necessarily make somebody happy. Ask some of the folks on here! But I want to echo what others have said--it sounds like you are more jaded about relationships in general and not marriage specifically.

And yes, people do make comments about my singleness, but I don't care.
I simply say: "Hey, I'm so glad you are happy being married. I know how happy I am being single."

This is a lie, you are single because you love the cougar status and want to sleep around with 21 year olds. I've seen the flirting between you and Ion. Once he posted his pics you stopped talking to me

jk lol

[Environ]

It sounds as if you've been hurt by somebody and you haven't recovered from that breach of trust. Consequently, this experience is clouding you opinion of relationships/marriage in its entirety. Of course you can choose not to get married or even to have a relationship in the future, but it must be for the right reasons and that decision must not be influenced by a negative experience. Some day you might meet somebody who you DO want to spend the rest of your life with so keep an open mind.

[Ion26]

OP, remember...

Let your faith be bigger than your fear.

Srs.

[tresjjjolie]

thanks a whole lot guys for your thoughtful replies. I'm pretty sure you're right .. I'm more jaded about relationships than marriage itself.
It feels awful.

I need to stop reading MISC and RH for a while as well. Seriously not helping - and I'm not talking about the trolling or typical FA stuff. When you couple the general attitude there with statistics, articles, anecdotal experiences, news, blogs, etc
its hard to not wanna run for the hills. I just don't want to partake.

Yeah to the children thing... I knew at age 15-16 and told my whole family that I'm never having children. They all thought it was a "phase" and "Oh, you'll change your mind." Nope, ~10 years later.. still not happening... No question about it.
People at work always ask if I have kids followed by how old are you question and then give me a stupid face because I don't have a kid. Sorry, I want to be able to afford the things I want and I feel that this world is already over-populated. For some reason this seems to be foreign to 99% of people.
As for marriage... Only once and it better be worth it

See, my uterus has declared war on me and now I am feeling this urge to have children lately. The whole experience is truly bizarre and a whole other thread in itself. (however I have a lot going on with my goals and have 0 interest in abdicating them for that right now)

that said, I can easily understand why someone wouldn't want kids. I hadn't really thought of how people react to a woman who says she doesn't want any because of my personality which is "oh ok, your life, cheers!"
So this falls under Alternative Lifestyle as well huh..

damn.. fear of judgement is an sob. Respect to everyone who disregards it

If you would rather live some alternative lifestyle you can do that too. You just have to look within yourself and decide you are going to make what you truly want happen.

Just don't put up a wall so high that if you find the guy you want you won't allow him into your life.

I've known a lot of good dudes and a lot of dbag types like you describe. Unfortunately the good guys are usually less skilled at picking up/approaching women because they don't do it as often and tend to pick women more carefully because they want something that isn't just a fling.

I hear what you're saying. Honestly, I'm not even a "casual dater" type. I don't understand the logistics of it really. Its not my style to start a bunch of haphazard shallow connections (although I'm friendly to all). I love really connecting with people in general and so odds are if I'm at a point of dating someone, its because I found possibilities of actual friendship in there too. So its mind****ing me bc I think I'm a good judge of character and get royally screwed. Its a terrible habit but I hear I tend to be harder on myself for allowing a person into my life instead of being upset with them for being messed up. Since you can't control other people and their stuff but you can control yourself.

Also, I feel like it costs. Every substantial run into these 'undercover dbag' types chip away from me and the woman I am. I like who I am as a person. I like how I choose to live and don't want to saturate myself in a jaded, cynical mindset (too late?) that so many people tout around as 'normal'. I felt how someone can change you (it sucked so bad) and I really really really don't want another person having that much of a say again

[tresjjjolie]

It sounds as if you've been hurt by somebody and you haven't recovered from that breach of trust. Consequently, this experience is clouding you opinion of relationships/marriage in its entirety. Of course you can choose not to get married or even to have a relationship in the future, but it must be for the right reasons and that decision must not be influenced by a negative experience. Some day you might meet somebody who you DO want to spend the rest of your life with so keep an open mind.

both relieving and unsettling how accurate this is.

Logic says, therefore, what you're saying can happen may be true as well. But the heart doesn't believe ya

Any tips on how to deal in the meantime?
So if you ever do meet that person you are not an empty shell of yourself lol

:-T

[LaDonnaMF]

There are no guarantees in life OP... sounds like that's what you want. There is no guarantee the man you take into your life will be all that you want or WON'T leave you or WON'T cheat on you... etc. etc. etc.

it is up to YOU if YOU want to take that chance. Most relationships don't work out... regardless of marriage, children, what have you. If you don't want to chance it then don't... flip the people the bird that give you shiet about it.

[UnaChispita]

This is a lie, you are single because you love the cougar status and want to sleep around with 21 year olds. I've seen the flirting between you and Ion. Once he posted his pics you stopped talking to me

jk lol

That's b/c Ion sends me noodz.

(not srs/JK Ion!)

There are no guarantees in life OP... sounds like that's what you want. There is no guarantee the man you take into your life will be all that you want or WON'T leave you or WON'T cheat on you... etc. etc. etc.

it is up to YOU if YOU want to take that chance. Most relationships don't work out... regardless of marriage, children, what have you. If you don't want to chance it then don't... flip the people the bird that give you shiet about it.

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to LaDonnaMF again."

[tresjjjolie]

There are no guarantees in life OP... sounds like that's what you want. There is no guarantee the man you take into your life will be all that you want or WON'T leave you or WON'T cheat on you... etc. etc. etc.

it is up to YOU if YOU want to take that chance. Most relationships don't work out... regardless of marriage, children, what have you. If you don't want to chance it then don't... flip the people the bird that give you shiet about it.

You are exactly right- this is my thinking

I guess thats why I made this thread. To see if there was anyone out there whose made this choice and is happy and comfortable with it.

I don't know the future and I'm not gung ho about anything

but its been some time now; my feeling of no longer wanting to take a chance has not changed and I'm tired of feeling terrible about it. So now, I'm trying to learn how to make peace with it instead.

[LaDonnaMF]

You are exactly right- this is my thinking

I guess thats why I made this thread. To see if there was anyone out there whose made this choice and is happy and comfortable with it.

I don't know the future and I'm not gung ho about anything

but its been some time now; my feeling of no longer wanting to take a chance has not changed and I'm tired of feeling terrible about it. So now, I'm trying to learn how to make peace with it instead.

Life is WAY too short to do anything you don't want to do (ya know... besides sleeping, eating, making money, lol). If you don't want to take on a significant other than don't!

I don't recommend, however, holing up in your house or something and not going out because you may be approached by a man and have to make the decision to flip him off or talk to him. Don't close yourself off to an opporunity to meet someone :-)

In my experience you meet the best people (romantically or otherwise) when you're not worrrying about it/thinking about it. Focus all your effort and energy on making YOU HAPPY! You are the only one in life who will always be there and always be looking out for YOU so be selfish... etc. If you happen to find someone you want to take a chance on then... deal with it when it happens.. you could be pleasantly surprised

[SultanaK]

Yeah to the children thing... I knew at age 15-16 and told my whole family that I'm never having children. They all thought it was a "phase" and "Oh, you'll change your mind." Nope, ~10 years later.. still not happening... No question about it.
People at work always ask if I have kids followed by how old are you question and then give me a stupid face because I don't have a kid. Sorry, I want to be able to afford the things I want and I feel that this world is already over-populated. For some reason this seems to be foreign to 99% of people.
As for marriage... Only once and it better be worth it

This.

inb4 humans are meant to breed.

[tresjjjolie]

this.

Inb4 humans are meant to breed.

lol

[Ion26]

That's b/c Ion sends me noodz.

(not srs/JK Ion!)

My noodz for a couple of your full face pics

humans are meant to breed.

Humans are meant to breed (God willing of course)

Who doesn't like to have lots of kiddos?!

[SultanaK]

Humans are meant to breed (God willing of course)

Who doesn't like to have lots of kiddos?!

Sure, it's a sound argument, but it shouldn't be a surprise some are overwhelmed by deceit in relationships and the increasing population and put off procreating.

And lots of people don't want lots of kiddos. Hard to raise in terms of both money and molding good characters out of them.