O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[HumblyMuscles]

I get my jokes from a Canadian navy ******** group. When they wax and I wane I do. If they post a joke that makes me laugh, I post here, but if they are in an argument or something, there are fewer good jokes going. So you can probably infer that when my jokes slow down either there's something stirring there or I haven't been checking.

Keep 'em coming Whiskey!!!

[Whiskeyjack]

Keep 'em coming Whiskey!!!

Thanks! Wilco! I just checked and nothing just now.

[HumblyMuscles]

For you Whiskey!

A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate. The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye. Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”

“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”

“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”

“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”

“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”

“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.

“Umm, How did you lose your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor.

Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”

[Lou1se]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you."

"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country."

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[HumblyMuscles]

a man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"this is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... We can't hire you."

"but wait," the man says. "if i take two aspirin, i'll stop winking!"

"really? Great! Show me!"

so the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: Red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country."

"womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"oh, that," he sighed. "have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

lol!!

[jtroster]

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text messsage:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied:
I am on the toilet. Please advise.

[DocHoss]

Sorry I've been away for so long - hard for me to notice the stickies! But I had a great time catching up.
Thank you everyone for your contributions!

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.
Finally, the rabbi said, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text messsage:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied:
I am on the toilet. Please advise.

But these two are true classics. Worth forwarding to my dad.

[Whiskeyjack]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay. You'll walk again and everything. However, your penis was severed in the accident, and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up.

So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine-incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine-incher before and you decide to only invest in a five-incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes, I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

[Whiskeyjack]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, "But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied, "That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle, breast-stroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

No, she said, "I was a hooker in NYC and I worked both sides of the harbour!"

[HumblyMuscles]

Who said Bomb Disposal technicians don't have a sense of humour?

[Lou1se]

On the first day, God created the dog and said, sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

[Whiskeyjack]

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your azzhole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his buddies.’

[jtroster]

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant. Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.

I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”

Well that was when the trouble started.

[HumblyMuscles]

Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[HumblyMuscles]

A blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there
for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it
is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.


'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!'

[pvsampson]

[HumblyMuscles]

[HumblyMuscles]

[HumblyMuscles]

[cowboybiker]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

[Lou1se]

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tommorrow.
But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.

The wife, understandably is angry as f**k, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."

THe next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep.
THe wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.

"What happened?" asked his wife.

"Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out."

"What did you do?" asked his wife.

"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"

[HumblyMuscles]

Quickie In The Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single
gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the
shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care
to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This
time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you s**t on its head.'

[Whiskeyjack]

A man had two of the best tickets for the Augusta Masters. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..

"No", he says, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this, the biggest golfing event of the whole world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Masters we haven't been together since we got married."

"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else?...a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head..."No. They're all at the funeral."

[Whiskeyjack]

The missus and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire one night while we were laying in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do ya wanna to do it?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time as she said, 'Yes..'















So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

[HumblyMuscles]

The missus and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire one night while we were laying in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do ya wanna to do it?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time as she said, 'Yes..'















So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Ha ha!!

[HumblyMuscles]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were faithful
and loving wives......however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezes. Incredibly drunk & walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls finished they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girl nights have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst...my wife came home with no panties!
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that read, "From all of us at the Ambulance Station. ...... We'll never forget you."

[Whiskeyjack]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[Whiskeyjack]

In attempting to teach my four-year-old daughter the dangers of strangers, I mentioned that, in addition to not talking to strangers, she should be aware that they may try different ways of attempting to “hurt” her. I told her the “bad person” may ask her to help find their dog. If they did, she is to yell “No!” and run the other way. If they follow or touch her, she is allowed to start shouting bad words.

When reviewing this lesson with her, I asked what she’d do if someone she doesn’t know asks her to help find their dog.

She replied, “I’ll say, ‘Find your own danmed dog!’”

[SwtNSxy]

Hope this is not YOUR story!! LOL

[HumblyMuscles]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o? clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the President of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'