O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[MarkS51]

Youth vs. Experience:

An old bull and young bull are sitting on a hill contemplating a herd of cows down in the valley.

The young bull is snorting, pawing at the ground and getting all charged up. "Let's run down there and f**k a cow!!", he exclaims.

The old bull turns and says calmly, "Let's WALK down there and f**k 'em all."

[Lou1se]

It is my birthday today, 46 yrs on this planet.

Yes, an April Fool

Anyone remember the Spaghetti Harvest Story? (see vid below)

Many people rang in asking where they could buy a spaghetti bush

This is believed to be one of the first times the medium of television has been used to stage an April Fools Day hoax.

[jtroster]

English - I love you.

French - Je T'aime

Italian - Ti amo

Chinese - Wo ai nin.

Newfoundland - Nice arse, get in the truck.

[Lou1se]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who is that on the balcony with Dave?'"

[Lou1se]

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and
poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastard$ should
remember fairies are female.....

[jtroster]

Children Writing About the Ocean...


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Terri, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

[SP1966]

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

[Lou1se]

/\/\ Love it!

SP1966, listen to these guys tell the same joke -

[MiamiSpartan]

I'm looking for a new Personal Trainer......



...the last one didn't work out......

[cowboybiker]

I'm looking for a new Personal Trainer......



...the last one didn't work out......

[Get-n-fit]

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

lmao--wow, can only imagine the teachers reaction.

[Get-n-fit]

There was a Jewish guy and a Czechoslovakian guy walking in a national forest. All of a sudden, a bear came and took the Czech and ate him. The Jewish guy ran back to find someone to help. He found a Forest Service man, and told him what happened. So he took a gun and went back into the forest. There were two bears together. "Now there are only two bears on this mountain." Said the Forest Service man. "One is a male, the other is a female. Which one ate your friend?" The Jewish guy said it was definitely the male. so the man fired the gun and killed the female, while the other ran away. When they opened up the bear they found the remains of the Czechoslovakian. The Jew was stunned and asked the ranger how he knew his friend was eaten by the female bear when he thought he was eaten by the male. To which the Ranger replied:























































Don't you know that you should never trust a Jew when he says that the Czech is in the male.

[SP1966]

/\/\ Love it!

SP1966, listen to these guys tell the same joke -

Not allowed in my country.

[Lou1se]

You may be interested to know why Antarctic explorers have never come across a dead
Penguin but now they have discovered that when a penguin dies their family dig a hole with
their flippers and bury it while the rest of the community form a large circle and sing

Freize a jolly good fellow

[cowboybiker]

While she was ‘flying’ down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’

To which she replied, ‘I’m late for work.’

‘Oh yeah,’ said the cop, ‘what do you do?’

‘I’m a rectum stretcher,’ she responded.

The cop stammered, ‘A what? A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.’

‘And just what the heck do you do with a 6 foot *******? ‘ he asked.
‘You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…’

[pvsampson]

This is a nutty cock-up!

[SpoonieXL]

A Prisoner escapes after being incarcerated for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and food; he finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. Then he ties the wife to the bed.

He gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner,

look at his clothes!" He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years!

I saw how he kissed your neck... If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, and do what he

tells you; no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably very dangerous. He'll kill

us! Be strong honey, I love you.

To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck." He was whispering into my ear...

He told me that he was gay, and thought you were really cute! He asked if we kept any vaseline?

I told him that he could find some in the bathroom... Be strong, darling. I love you too.

[cowboybiker]

[Jrob69]

I certainly hope they were not awake.

I did ask my doc before they put me under and per my wifes request to please remove the hair taped across my ass.

[Jrob69]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?







No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?







Still no idea


What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?








Still no f*ckin idea.

[Whiskeyjack]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

[cowboybiker]

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…

[Lou1se]

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow:



1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

[Lou1se]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He muttered, "I can't believe everybody knows about this $hit but me."

[Lou1se]

A Pilot Father's Love...


Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

[Lou1se]

A man walks into WH Smith and says, “Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small willies?”
“I don’t think it’s in yet,” the girl says.
“Yeah, that’s the one,” he replies.

[MiamiSpartan]

A guy goes into a bar and the bouncer says, "Hey! This is a classy place! You can't come in here because you aren't wearing a tie..!"
The guy goes out to his car, grabs a set of jumper cables...wraps them around his neck and goes back in and asks the bouncer, "Can I come in now..?"
The bouncer looks at him and says, "Well.....OK....But don't start anything..."

[jtroster]

[Whiskeyjack]

Duct Tape


Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

[Whiskeyjack]

A tough old cowboy from southern texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.

The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.