My Bulimia is killing me

[happyhappy]

My Bulimia is killing me off & on for the last four years i have been makeing myself sick at first i only did it one time a month then it with to about one time a week then everday sometimes four times a day then a good friend starting to ask me why i always look so sick i didn't have the guts to tell her what i have been so i stop haveing anyting to do with her but she would not have it she starting push me & i opened up to her she told me she knew what i have been up to the whole time i was in tears she help & stop for about a year but now i starting get them feelings again i want to tell my friend but i don't if i should because i have been doing for a month now & i don't have anyting to do with her i hide for her when i see i can't tell because i love her & i don't want to hurt her or make her mad she's been like a big sister to me

[bluescorpion]

I know that must be hard. I know several former bulimics and they have shared some of their torment with me. Is it possible you can see someone who specializes in this who can give you support and help you to heal? I know it is a common problem and one that can have very bad long-term effects, so please don't keep it to yourself!

[imperfectly_lou]

I'm really sorry to hear you sounding so sad

I'm a former anorexic and bulimic (I consider myself 90% recovered) so I hope my words can help you in some way....

There is a REASON, or there are REASONS why you are bulimic. And no, it is never just "I want to be thin" or similar. You will need professional help to work out what those reasons are and then to develop appropriate, healthy coping strategies.

For me, a large part of my eating disorders stemmed from a) perfectionism and b) my mother. I have been in various forms of therapy for 3 and a half years now to learn how to deal with these things without having to resort to using food. Its been a long, very hard road, but sooooo worth it

So in short, you need to seek professional help. A good website which can help you and refer you to a service in your area is www.sfwed.org

Good luck!

[Miranda]

i was anorexic & bulimic for years. i used to throw up 3-4 times a day. i’m now 99% cured - you never can tell. one of the most important things i learnt was the illness is located between your ears. once i decided i wasn’t going to throw up anymore i started my (slow) recovery.
nobody makes you throw up except yourself

bulimia is living hell. i wish you all the best with your struggle.

[onebratt08]

This breaks my heart! Please go see a psychologist and try to heal yourself. You are doing so much harm to your body. Whatever you are going through right now may be tough, but life is so worth living. Everyone here wants you to be healthy and happy in life.

[hawaii50]

definitely see a therapist.. i went through bulemia & anorexia... not pretty

[mom2adiva]

You need to get help (((((HUGS)))))))). Taking that first step and admitting that there is a problem that you can't handle by yourself is one of the most important parts of your recovery.

[Shea125]

Don't push people away that are trying to help you. Your friend has seen you through the problem before and will likely continue her support.
Many people have gone through bulemia and overcome it; you can too.
One thing to keep in your mind next time you feel the urge - picture Terry Schiavo, the woman in the vegetative state all over the news last spring. Her condition was largely due to her own habit of purging. The imbalances it creates can be irreversible - remember that. Every time you look in the mirror, whether you 'like' the image reflected or not, revel in the fact that you are at least alive to see it. And get help!

[dominique]

I am recovering from eating disorders. I rotated them for 10 years. it is HELL.

Like mom2adiva said, admitting there's a problem is the first step... so you ARE making progress. healing from an eating disorder takes time - it's like bodybuilding: educate yourself, get professional help & support (your team), have a plan, take it one day at a time, one meal at a time, learn from your mistakes & forgive those mistakes, BE PATIENT & NEVER GIVE UP.

depending on what your financial resources are, you can find a therapist, nutritionist, support group, trusted family/friend(s). you may also consider medication to help to stabilize you until you get a handle on your behavior and the underlying things motivating it.

bulemia is a dangerous and life threatening disorder. you can do permanent damage to your body. this reality helped me to get committed about my recovery. you can heal. it takes time. it is possible to overcome.

my heart goes out to you. you can do it.

[deeyala]

i was bulimic for a year or so and 2 months of which were very intense... i've gained weight in a really short time and then when i finally shed them i was so scared to return back so i used to throw up.. it worked fine with me (regarding my weight loss) but then i started to have an almost constant heart-burn.. problem is i was so ashamed about it, to even discuss it with anyone.. i knew the health risk is great , and my sphincters would probably give way before i was 30 or so.. yet i couldn't stop.. i spent ages throwing up in the bathroom, after which i'd come out all flushed and sweaty and i could see my the questioning in my parents' eyes and just to ignore it... see, i knew i wasn't supposed to be doing it yet i couldn't stop which made me all sad and gloomy... every time i came out of the bathroom, i felt like i was a slave to my obsession and i hated me. and was so ashamed of myself.. yet as long no one found about it i was all cool...
my turning point was after i learned that the acid from the vomiting abrades your teeth from the side near your tongue, making them all yellow and pitted. and that it has a very characteristic appearance... the idea of losing my teeth wasn't the trigger for me to stop, but it was rather the fact that a couple of years on i could be at my dentist's and i'd be discovered just like that... such a habit was extremely shameful to me that i preferred 'fat' to being 'caught on the act'..
now two years later, i found out i needn't even to throw up to attain the weight, that back at my bulimic time, i thought was my lowest..
good luck with yours and hope my experience helped you understand yours..

[serinebean]

Terry Shaivo is what helped me stop....I had wanted to for years but couldnt quite stop. The idea of being a vegetable, being starved to death, shi**ing my pants, and all that horror was not worth it! I couldnt aviod the dang coverage, reminding me of how I could end up.
Remember every time you throw up you could die, right there head in the bowl. Real nice, not!
I dont know what to tell you, I wish I knew what to say that would save you from the hell I went through....for 8 years I ate and threw up anywhere from 5 to 20 times a day. I never kept food down, exept when I felt like I was dying. I was so sick, and so sad, and it sucked so bad. The mere weight in my stomach made me sick, and I felt guilty....
One day I made that change, like a switch cliked on, and I was able to stop myself.
First, you have to believe you are worth it, and that bad times are not forever, tho it may seem like it.
It took my husband and his unconditional love to help me. I tried treatment, but I only got sicker from it. They labeled me with different illnesses, pstd, depresstion, disociation, ect and I played that part...like a sick game. Or I would compete with the other girls who were sick and learn "tricks" from them.
I think the healing comes from with in....no doctor or shrink can help you if you are not ready. You have to want it, and you have to trust your body.
Please do it, its so not the way to go, plus recovery at this point blows goats...if I could go back I would,and stop when there was less damage done.

I am wishing you strength girl,
Serinebean

[megcur]

I have been bulimia free and sober for 5 years. Recovery is terrifying. As cheesy as it sounds, the first step is honesty. It's so hard in the beginning but once you tell someone, the relief of not having to keep that secret feels amazing. I remember eating entire cans of pringles and then throwing then right back up in the can because i didn't want my family to hear my puking in the toilet. I was constantly scared and alone. Being perpetually lonely is awful. You don't have to feel this way. Chat with me if you need some love.

[Bulk08]

My wife literally just left in an ambulance because of her bulimia, she passed out and hit her head. It's the most frustrating thing that I can't do anything about it. What if she ends up passing out and I'm not there, brain damage next time? To me it appears so selfish, but it's a sickness. I'm scared it might ruin our relationship

[MinaTheChemist]

My Bulimia is killing me off & on for the last four years i have been makeing myself sick at first i only did it one time a month then it with to about one time a week then everday sometimes four times a day then a good friend starting to ask me why i always look so sick i didn't have the guts to tell her what i have been so i stop haveing anyting to do with her but she would not have it she starting push me & i opened up to her she told me she knew what i have been up to the whole time i was in tears she help & stop for about a year but now i starting get them feelings again i want to tell my friend but i don't if i should because i have been doing for a month now & i don't have anyting to do with her i hide for her when i see i can't tell because i love her & i don't want to hurt her or make her mad she's been like a big sister to me

Are you in the UK op? If so, PM me.

Sending you lots of love, wherever you are. EDs are hell but you don't have to be alone.