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  1. #1
    Registered User DPP450's Avatar
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    Unhappy Please help me understand this!!!

    I'm sorry this is so long, but please help me understand this.

    My ex-husband and I are trying to reconcile.

    HISTORY:

    We have had an on off relationship for over 15 years. There are serious trust issues, because he "use" to be a player, throughout most if not all of the relationship (he denies almost all of it although there is proof). We both live in North Carolina and we are both from South Carolina.

    My problem right now:

    He has no problem driving to SC and spending the night, weekend, ect supposedly at his mom or sister's house. Although we have lived in NC since 1998 he has never rooted himself here. By that I mean , when he's off from work he needs to go to SC, most holidays he spend in SC (despite the fact that he was suppose to start a family here with me), he has his car repairs done there, he GOES there to pay bills like car note and loans (instead of mail them), he even goes to church there (instead of just finding one here to attend).

    I have two major problems with this. One, we seperated and divorced partly because of two hotel charges on his bank statements the very 1st week of the marriage (supposedly he was at his mom's). Two, I feel that he is acting like a single man by spending nights away from home especially when we are suppose to be working things out. Although we have lived in NC since 1998 he has never rooted himself here. By that I mean , when he's off from work he needs to go to SC, most holidays he spend in NC (despite the fact that he was suppose to start a family here with me), he has his car repairs done there, he GOES there to pay bills like car note and loans (instead of mail them), he even goes to church there (instead of just finding one here to attend).

    Just this month he has made at least 6 trips to SC and now wants to go AGAIN for a football game. He decided not to go (and is not happy about it) because I had such a big problem with it. Mind you we are both from SC born and raised, grew up and attended the same church there, and most of our family is there including parents. And the ride is ONLY 2-3 hours long (part of his arguement). It seems to me that he is trying to live in two places at one time. Am I crazy for having a problem with this (he definitly thinks that I'm the only one who would have a problem with this)?

    He says he's a changed man and really wants to make it work, but this issue among others does not make it any easier.

    My question is: Considering the history and what we are trying to accomplish right now, I'm I over reacting or not being reasonable by wanting him to eliminate most of these extra trips and instead focus on setting our roots and developing a life here in NC where we have both lived since 1998?

    All opinions are welcomed.
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  2. #2
    Destroyer of Dreams Brutotal's Avatar
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    Its hard to give you a really good answer when I don't know how the relationship is working but I know I wouldn't want to move away from my family/friends to "root" myself with someone.

    On the flip side if you can't trust him going back to where he use to live then your issues are with trust not with him traveling.
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    mabey if he really is serious and legit about wanting to maintain his SC roots he can take you with him. Show you his church, his friends, his mom and sister and such, that way he brings you into that life. If its that important to him, it may be somthing he really wants to keep.
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    Fuk reconciling until you figure out what the hell he had two hotel charges on his credit card bill for.

    If I found two charges on a credit card bill for a hotel from my wife's credit card bill and she had no explanation, there would not be enough left of her body to fit in a brown paper lunch bag - just sayin'
    It's just that D ****, D's short for do what I wanna do
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    And y'all nig-gas aint runnin a fuc-kin thing but your mouth
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    Well I wouldnt be spending the weekend at my moms while I had a beautiful wife at home.I wouldnt jump to conclusions but you may want to investigate him a little more.
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    if hes showing the same patterns he did while cheating, hes more likely to cheat

    he needs to be staying at home with his family and get off his mommas t*tty!

    your not overreacting IMO
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    Registered User DL Addict's Avatar
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    There is no way that you are in the wrong here. he is being very suspicious, IMO. It's one thing to travel home to visit friends/family, but why couldn't you go too? the part that gets me, is he travels there just to make bill payments!?!? WTF is that? I think he is making deposits there in another bank, if you know what I mean. IMO, he does not want the same things as you...rooting down, starting a family, etc. Just my two cents.
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  8. #8
    Registered User DPP450's Avatar
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    I really appreciate all of your opinions. Thank you.

    Originally Posted by Brutotal View Post
    Its hard to give you a really good answer when I don't know how the relationship is working but I know I wouldn't want to move away from my family/friends to "root" myself with someone.
    I do understand that, and in that case don't put yourself in that position, but he did decide to MARRY me and we BOTH moved here. I didn't make him come. He has even had his OWN apartment here for the past FOUR years.

    Originally Posted by Brutotal View Post
    On the flip side if you can't trust him going back to where he use to live then your issues are with trust not with him traveling.
    The big issue is definitly with trust due to our history. In the past going home has been his excuse to spend nights away CHEATING, not with family. I have no problem with him going back home. BOTH our families are there. I just don't understand why we can't visit our families TOGETHER as opposed to him going as a single man.


    Originally Posted by Kanji4488 View Post
    mabey if he really is serious and legit about wanting to maintain his SC roots he can take you with him. Show you his church, his friends, his mom and sister and such, that way he brings you into that life. If its that important to him, it may be somthing he really wants to keep.
    We are both from the same town and we both grew up in the same church so I am very familiar with his family and friends and he is with mine. I don't plan to ever move back, and he knew that from the start. Funny thing is he says he DOESN'T want to move back either. And he has lived in NC since 1998.

    Originally Posted by shivsean View Post
    Fuk reconciling until you figure out what the hell he had two hotel charges on his credit card bill for.

    If I found two charges on a credit card bill for a hotel from my wife's credit card bill and she had no explanation, there would not be enough left of her body to fit in a brown paper lunch bag - just sayin'
    Well that is a long complicated story with a BIG FAT LIE attached to it. But even putting aside the story he "made" up, when he left those weekends he said he would be at his mom's, but instead had hotel charges one in a whole different town. So he lied simply about where he would be on those visits. And then lied some more to cover up what he was really doing.

    Originally Posted by t bone tommy View Post
    Well I wouldnt be spending the weekend at my moms while I had a beautiful wife at home.I wouldnt jump to conclusions but you may want to investigate him a little more.
    Thank you. Why would anyone spend the weekendssssssss at their mom's when they have a SPOUSE at home? I just don't understand.

    Originally Posted by 5x10 View Post
    if hes showing the same patterns he did while cheating, hes more likely to cheat

    he needs to be staying at home with his family and get off his mommas t*tty!

    your not overreacting IMO
    I totally agree, but he thinks I'm wrong for feeling this way.

    Originally Posted by DL Addict View Post
    There is no way that you are in the wrong here. he is being very suspicious, IMO. It's one thing to travel home to visit friends/family, but why couldn't you go too? the part that gets me, is he travels there just to make bill payments!?!? WTF is that? I think he is making deposits there in another bank, if you know what I mean. IMO, he does not want the same things as you...rooting down, starting a family, etc. Just my two cents.
    YESS!!! In my opinion it is VERY suspicious. I think it is very good for us to stay connected with family and friends back home, but why can't we plan to go together, why is it that the only time he wants to go is when I can't go? WHY DOES HE NEED TO PAY BILLS THERE, WHEN HE LIVES HERE? I have said to him that we want different things, but he insists that this just is'nt the truth, that I'm making something out of nothing.
    I have said to him countless times that if doesn't want to settle down and start the family that he SAYS he wants, FINE! Move on and let me move on, I'm not mad at ya, but he is the one who keeps coming back and saying this is what he wants. Yet, IMO, HE WANTS ME TO ACCEPT HIM LIVING LIKE A SINGLE MAN.
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  9. #9
    Registered User Sach's Avatar
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    if you don't trust him now you never will, do you think things will magically change?

    Why the hell would he drive 3 hours to pay bills?

    Honestly, just cut your losses and move on with your life. You're still young at 31. It'll be harder later on in life.
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    I am so frustrated right now. All day he keeps calling me at work about going to this game in SC tonight.

    As an isolated event, there is no problem with him wanting to go to a game in SC. The problem is the cycle. If it wasn't this game, it would be something else. For instance, just the weekend before last (his off weekend) it was he needed to go to SC to pick up $50 dollars from his mom. Before that it was he needed to go for a job related test (for a job that he had no intentions of accepting), and the list just goes on, and on, and on. IMO the reasons he needs to go are mostly nonsense.

    All week I leave for work at 7am get home about 6pm, he leaves for work at 6pm gets home at 7:30 am. Now he gets a weekend off and he wants to spend it somewhere else. How can we work on a relationship when we barely spend time together? How can I even begin to trust that he actually wants a relationship with me when he's away during his free time rather than building the relationship? By the way we have just started this relationship again this month, he's moved in, but almost every break he's had he went to SC (about six times so far this month and now he wants to go again). I can't help but not trust the situation.

    We are both in bad positions right now. He feels like I'm holding him down and controlling his goings. I feel like he's trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty about not wanted a man who is never around.

    I feel terrible. I don't want to tell a man where he can and can't go and when, but I don't want to be treated second best to everything else either. Am I wrong for that? Sadly he admits that if I was sleeping away from home 6 times a month he would have a problem with it, but he still does'nt understand why I don't want him to go. Figure that one out for me.
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    Originally Posted by DPP450 View Post
    I am so frustrated right now. All day he keeps calling me at work about going to this game in SC tonight.

    As an isolated event, there is no problem with him wanting to go to a game in SC. The problem is the cycle. If it wasn't this game, it would be something else. For instance, just the weekend before last (his off weekend) it was he needed to go to SC to pick up $50 dollars from his mom. Before that it was he needed to go for a job related test (for a job that he had no intentions of accepting), and the list just goes on, and on, and on. IMO the reasons he needs to go are mostly nonsense.

    All week I leave for work at 7am get home about 6pm, he leaves for work at 6pm gets home at 7:30 am. Now he gets a weekend off and he wants to spend it somewhere else. How can we work on a relationship when we barely spend time together? How can I even begin to trust that he actually wants a relationship with me when he's away during his free time rather than building the relationship? By the way we have just started this relationship again this month, he's moved in, but almost every break he's had he went to SC (about six times so far this month and now he wants to go again). I can't help but not trust the situation.

    We are both in bad positions right now. He feels like I'm holding him down and controlling his goings. I feel like he's trying to manipulate me into feeling guilty about not wanted a man who is never around.

    I feel terrible. I don't want to tell a man where he can and can't go and when, but I don't want to be treated second best to everything else either. Am I wrong for that? Sadly he admits that if I was sleeping away from home 6 times a month he would have a problem with it, but he still does'nt understand why I don't want him to go. Figure that one out for me.
    It's been a few months, but how are things going now?
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    Is this man a black man by any chance?
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    Originally Posted by shivsean View Post
    Fuk reconciling until you figure out what the hell he had two hotel charges on his credit card bill for.

    If I found two charges on a credit card bill for a hotel from my wife's credit card bill and she had no explanation, there would not be enough left of her body to fit in a brown paper lunch bag - just sayin'
    while i don't suggest chopping someone up... i'm on board with the rest of this poster. i wouldn't tolerate a second of that **** from my husband and he wouldn't tolerate it from me either.
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    Originally Posted by MSUHockey View Post
    Is this man a black man by any chance?
    LMAO
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    Originally Posted by horatiofox View Post
    It's been a few months, but how are things going now?
    WOW! I totally forgot about this thread. It has been 7 months (now that I do the math) and absolutely nothing has changed. As a matter of fact he just got back from a 3 day weekend in SC (got back 1am on Sunday), and is planning to leave again tonight (Tuesday). What a wakeup call! Thanks for the inquiry.
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    Registered User DPP450's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MSUHockey View Post
    Is this man a black man by any chance?
    Yes, but I am curious to know why you asked.
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    Originally Posted by girlygirl View Post
    while i don't suggest chopping someone up... i'm on board with the rest of this poster. i wouldn't tolerate a second of that **** from my husband and he wouldn't tolerate it from me either.
    I have enabled the situation by tolerating it for years. I think it may be best to let him go.

    Originally Posted by NSWC View Post
    LMAO
    What does LMAO stand for?
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    I don't know how close of a relationship you have with his family, but maybe you should give them a call. They could at least talk to you about what he's doing when he's in SC and possibly talk to him about how you're feeling. With luck, hearing your concerns from other people that he trusts will clarify things for him.


    Also, LMAO stands for Laughing My Ass Off.
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    Originally Posted by DPP450 View Post
    WOW! I totally forgot about this thread. It has been 7 months (now that I do the math) and absolutely nothing has changed. As a matter of fact he just got back from a 3 day weekend in SC (got back 1am on Sunday), and is planning to leave again tonight (Tuesday). What a wakeup call! Thanks for the inquiry.
    You guys are still together and he is still going away all the time. Why are you still with him? Im curious at how you can let a problem like this linger for so long.
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    Originally Posted by DPP450 View Post
    I'm sorry this is so long, but please help me understand this.

    My ex-husband and I are trying to reconcile.

    HISTORY:

    We have had an on off relationship for over 15 years. There are serious trust issues, because he "use" to be a player, throughout most if not all of the relationship (he denies almost all of it although there is proof). We both live in North Carolina and we are both from South Carolina.

    My problem right now:

    He has no problem driving to SC and spending the night, weekend, ect supposedly at his mom or sister's house. Although we have lived in NC since 1998 he has never rooted himself here. By that I mean , when he's off from work he needs to go to SC, most holidays he spend in SC (despite the fact that he was suppose to start a family here with me), he has his car repairs done there, he GOES there to pay bills like car note and loans (instead of mail them), he even goes to church there (instead of just finding one here to attend).

    I have two major problems with this. One, we seperated and divorced partly because of two hotel charges on his bank statements the very 1st week of the marriage (supposedly he was at his mom's). Two, I feel that he is acting like a single man by spending nights away from home especially when we are suppose to be working things out. Although we have lived in NC since 1998 he has never rooted himself here. By that I mean , when he's off from work he needs to go to SC, most holidays he spend in NC (despite the fact that he was suppose to start a family here with me), he has his car repairs done there, he GOES there to pay bills like car note and loans (instead of mail them), he even goes to church there (instead of just finding one here to attend).

    Just this month he has made at least 6 trips to SC and now wants to go AGAIN for a football game. He decided not to go (and is not happy about it) because I had such a big problem with it. Mind you we are both from SC born and raised, grew up and attended the same church there, and most of our family is there including parents. And the ride is ONLY 2-3 hours long (part of his arguement). It seems to me that he is trying to live in two places at one time. Am I crazy for having a problem with this (he definitly thinks that I'm the only one who would have a problem with this)?

    He says he's a changed man and really wants to make it work, but this issue among others does not make it any easier.

    My question is: Considering the history and what we are trying to accomplish right now, I'm I over reacting or not being reasonable by wanting him to eliminate most of these extra trips and instead focus on setting our roots and developing a life here in NC where we have both lived since 1998?

    All opinions are welcomed.
    first question that comes to mind is why don't you just go with him on these trips?
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