O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

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[Lou1se]

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




Sensitive Scientists Report 5 In 5 Women
Don't Know How Beautiful They Are



CAMBRIDGE, MA—A team of considerate, emotionally available researchers at
the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced Monday the results of a
study indicating that in a random sampling of five women, not even one has
any idea how beautiful she actually is.

“In clinical trials, we discovered 100 percent of test subjects were virtually oblivious
to the fact that they are and always have been thoughtful, intelligent, and truly gorgeous,
inside and out,” sensitive scientist Sidney Kaplan said of the four-year, $30 million
study aimed at showing women what they just can’t seem to see for themselves.

“Perhaps even more alarming, we found that 87 percent of women felt it was their job to
try to make themselves into someone they aren’t, instead of looking in the mirror and
rejoicing at what they had already become.

“And trust me, what they had already become is perfect.”

The receptive and caring authors of the study said their work would be published in the
forthcoming issue of Nature and available to women “anytime they need to hear it.”





Report: Winx Doesn’t Understand Or Give A
Fuk About How Amazing She Is, Just Wants A
Carrot



Sydney, AUSTRALIA- A report released today has revealed legendary racing
mare Winx is in fact a 7-year-old horse and that she just wants to eat carrots.

After recording her 26th consecutive win on the weekend in a race named after her, the
praise for Winx has hit dizzying heights, including a commemorative postage stamp.

As she carries the weight of an entire industry on her back, congratulatory messages
have been flooding in from across the world, with dignitaries and fans who passionately
cheered her down the Royal Randwick turf, showering “Darling Winx” with praise.

Trainer Chris Waller broke down in tears telling Winx how much she means to his bank
balance.

Though as it turns out through this report, Winx, being a horse, doesn’t understand the
english language and she “sure as fuk doesn’t understand the racing industry”.

The report concludes that “Winx is a horse. It is quite clear in our findings that she
doesn’t give a fuk about any of this fanfare and she would much prefer to be at home,
hooking into a nice, crunchy carrot”.

Other findings in the report suggested that she likes having her tail brushed and enjoys
being patted down the nose.





Russell Wilson Asks Seahawks To Modify Play
Where He’s Immediately Tackled By Six
Players



SEATTLE—Expressing some reservations about allowing the defense instant,
unfettered access to the backfield, Russell Wilson asked the Seahawks Tuesday
to modify a read-pass-option play where he’s immediately tackled by six
players after receiving the snap.

“I’m happy to run whatever the coaching staff draws up, but I think we can adjust this play
a little so I can take more than three steps without getting pounded into the turf,” said Wilson,
explaining to his coaches that perhaps one of the Seahawks’ offensive lineman could
attempt to stand in the way of the oncoming pass rushers.

“There is a lot to like about this play, but we could try working in some play-action or a
quick slant pass before the pocket dissolves and I’m hit from three different angles.

“At the very least, we should only call the plays where I get sacked before I can start my
progression reads a few times per game.”

At press time Pete Carroll had heeded his quarterback’s advice and drawn up a new play where
Wilson scrambles left and right multiple times and then throws the ball out of bounds.

[Lou1se]

Having some fun on fake CNN reporting

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[Lou1se]

George went to the barbers yesterday and asked them to cut his hair like Tom Cruise...

They gave me a cushion to sit on.



~;~



doctor: you have a very rare type of short term memory loss that causes intense confusion

me: is it contagious?

doctor: is what contagious? where am i?


~;~



Who decided to call it “marijuana possession” …

And not “joint custody?”

[Lou1se]

This is why I love the internet

Extended version.

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[Lou1se]

Make small things count

– teach midgets mathematics







Watt's on second

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[Lou1se]

PHOTO FINISH

NASCAR Race Stops To Wait For Family Of
Ducks To Pass

[Lou1se]

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




After a lifetime of celibacy waiting for the right
woman, Ric Flair finally has sex



Ric Flair kisses a woman for the first time.


Legendary professional sports-entertainer Ric Flair has, after a lifetime of sobriety
and abstinence, finally married the woman with whom he feels comfortable having
a sexual relationship.

“I knew my soulmate would come along one day,” said Flair, 69, shortly after he and longtime
girlfriend Wendy Barlow tied the knot at a ceremony in Florida.

Flair and Barlow both wore white for the occasion — Barlow in a flowing dress, Flair in a sequinned
feathery robe — as an outward display of their virginity.

The wedding was attended by celebrities including Michael P.S. Hayes, Dennis Rodman, Val Venis
and Ron Jeremy — all of whom also participated in a lifelong vow of celibacy until marriage.

Flair’s daughter Charlotte, conceived via in vitro fertilization at the Space Mountain Fertility Clinic,
said she was “so proud” of her father for waiting until marriage to enter a physical relationship.

For decades, Flair has famously hollered “Woo” at wrestling events, to indicate that he hoped to woo
the perfect woman to become his partner in matrimony and monogamous coitus.

The day after Flair and Wendy consummated their marriage, Flair described his first-ever sexual
encounter as “a personal and beautiful act of lovemaking that was worth the wait.”







Dog horrified to discover owner is low-
ranking beta male



A DOG has been shocked to discover his owner is not a pack leader
but a lowly subordinate.

Oscar always thought he was taking orders from a dominant male and was shocked to
discover his owner Tom Logan is virtually at the bottom of the pecking order.

Oscar said: “I’d always assumed my owner Tom was an alpha male because he sits on the best
spot on the sofa and eats the most lasagna.

“But when we went camping with his buddies they wouldn’t even let him use the barbecue and
openly took the piss out of his acoustic rendition of Mustang Sally.

“Last week he took me to the office. I thought I’d be meeting other pack members led by him,
I never expected to see him scuttling around taking notes for a guy called Steve.

“I can’t believe I’ve been taking crap from a beta for all these years, I’m seriously thinking about
biting his ankles and making a bid for dominance.”

Tom Logan said: “It’s weird, just lately he’s been humping my wife’s leg whilst looking me
dead in the eye.”




RETIREMENT HOME RAIDED BY THE FBI FOR
RUNNING ELDERLY FIGHT CLUB, 7 ARRESTS



Seven employees of a nursing home for elderly people were
arrested by the FBI this morning in Charlottesville, Virginia,
for forcing the elders under their care to fight each other.

According to investigators, the 124 residents of the Retirement Village were forced
to fight each other in order to obtain basic things such as food and medical treatments.

The fights were filmed and relayed online on a specialized website, where they
often attracted several thousand viewers and astounding amounts of money in
bets.

FBI spokesman, Bill Donovan, says the most popular fights were the ones in which
contenders were “armed” with canes or walkers.


“The older and more handicapped the fighters were, the larger
was the crowd the fight attracted. Some were so weak they
used mobility scooters to try and roll on each other.”


Officer Donovan says the staff used several different methods to force the
residents to fight, either through rewards or punishment.


“The nursing home’s staff forced the elders to beat each other
up very badly, offering ridiculous rewards such as Jell-O or
extra mashed potatoes. Some residents who refused to fight
had their dentures or glasses confiscated until they complied.”


According to the FBI, the organizers of this illegal combat ring may have pocketed
over $125 million over the 3 years it was in operation, mostly from online bets.



The FBI confirmed it has seized a lot of computer hardware in the
Retirement Village as well as several other pieces of evidence like video
cameras and blood-covered walkers.


The two owners of the retirement home and five other employees were arrested
for the role they played in the organization.

The five employees each face numerous criminal charges and could face sentences
going from 45 to 85 years in jail if found guilty on all charges.

The owners of the retirement home, Terence and Michelle Aniston, respectively
face 37 and 31 accusations and could face over 300 years in prison.

Their trial is expected to begin at the end of June and should draw a lot of media
attention.

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Lol.

[Lou1se]

Sadly, my overweight parrot died this morning....but to be fair, it’s a huge
weight off my shoulders


~;~


Genie - You get 3 wishes

Me - I wish you were terrible at math

Genie - You only have 14 more wishes


~;~

[Mark1T]

What's this thread about?

https://www.********.com/Lovelylaugh...0081614201326/

[Lou1se]

nawww



I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends

It means a lot to them



~;~




Child: "Mom, before I was born, did you want a boy or a girl?"

Mother: "I just wanted to pick up a fork that fell on the kitchen floor."

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[Lou1se]

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.

"Everything was going fine," he said, "then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."

"Oh, that's awful!"

"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."

[Lou1se]

It's a shame nothing is made in Australia anymore.
I just bought a new TV which says "Built in Antenna".
I don't even know where that is!

[Mark1T]

Louise, Antenna-ites are loving and caring people who are of course the indigenous hairy midget tribe of the Antenna Islands located in the South, South Pacific. A forgotten land and forgotten people

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