O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[Samraiwise]

POOH : "The next day, she sent me a text and apologized to me."



POOH : "GROWL~!!"

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Indomitable Honey Bee Stings Itself
Rather Than Fall To Asian Hornet

[mtpockets]

[steffo99]

My elderly parents got a good laugh from watching a carpentry video from New Zeeland about decking. The swedish subtitles on youtube kept using the most vulgar translation it could find throughout the video. Which (somehow) led me to find this one.

[Lou1se]

LOL! Very funny, Steffo!

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




'Mortal Kombat' Introduces Brutal New
Fatality Where Your Character Just
States An Opposing Viewpoint



U.S.—In a surprise update to Mortal Kombat 11 released to players on Monday,
NetherRealm and Warner Bros. Interactive have introduced a brutal new fatality where
your character just states an opposing viewpoint, and the opponent dies instantly.

Every character can reportedly access this new alternative fatality.

One character says, "There are only two genders," and his opponent instantly melts into
nothing, being unable to handle the opposing viewpoint. Another character suggests that
capitalism isn't all bad, and his opponent's head instantly falls off. Other Mortal
Kombat fighters make statements about how it's OK to be white, or how you can be friends
with people with opposing political ideas.

Every single time the statement is made, the opponent instantly dies from the sudden and
unexpected shattering of their echo chamber.

According to insiders, Ben Shapiro is expected to be introduced as downloadable content
soon, and he will "literally make his opponents explode in blood and guts with facts and
logic."






Social Distancing Doesn't Apply To Us,
Joggers Confirm



ST. LOUIS—MAINTAINING a distance of 6.5 feet from other people applies to
everyone except joggers, joggers have agreed.

People who run right in the middle of sidewalks are allowing themselves to pass right by pedestrians
rather than run the very real risk of momentarily losing pace.

Julian Cook said: “I’m exercising, so I’ve got priority. Now more than ever.

“If you and your family or dog or whatever don’t look around to see a runner coming and
immediately jump out of the way, as you would with an oncoming train, that’s your lookout.

“I know I could just ask you to move, but passing you in a wheezing, spluttering cloud of possible
COVID-19 will give your trip out that frisson of excitement you’re probably missing.


“We’re doing you a favor, if anything. If you get the virus because joggers have flouted government
advice, you’re going to make a valuable contribution to herd immunity.

“And if not, your sacrifice was to maintain my fitness levels and possibly set a new personal best. So
it won’t be in vain.”






Trump Retaliates Against Asian Murder
Hornets With American Kamikaze Bears



WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Trump has retaliated against the release of Asian murder
hornets with newly developed kamikaze bears.

Trump deployed the bears all across Asia Tuesday morning, laughing maniacally as the
aggressive predators who will definitely kill you charged into China exploding themselves
wherever they could.

The bears are flung from aircraft carriers and fly into their targets, frightening people
because they're friggin' bears and then exploding everybody to death. They have been
trained to roar, "AMERICA, SON!" as they approach their target, striking even more fear
into the hearts of their foes.

"What's better than hornets? Bears. Kamikaze bears. The best bears, maybe ever," Trump
said as he unveiled six of the kamikaze bears, the deadliest biological weapon in American
history. "Who's a good bear? You are. That's right. Bears! The best! Everyone says so!"

Members of the press slowly backed away from the large, aggressive predators, but it was
too late. "Why don't we try this out on the media?" Trump said. "Bears, attack!"

[mtpockets]

Ha Ha Kaz, that bear cracked me up

My elderly parents got a good laugh from watching a carpentry video from New Zeeland about decking. The swedish subtitles on youtube kept using the most vulgar translation it could find throughout the video. Which (somehow) led me to find this one.

Hilarious Steffo....

Great stuff Lou1se keep em coming.

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

I went to a pet shop and asked for
twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted
out thirteen and handed them over.

"You've given me one too many."

"That one is a freebie."



~;~






.
.

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Dog’s Eye Gunk Wiped Back On Dog

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




Democratic States Deploy Greta
Thunberg Drones To Lecture People
Who Go Outside



U.S.—Several Democrat-controlled states have released new Greta Thunberg surveillance
drones into the wild to lecture people who go outside.

The drones include a camera to catch people going outside and a screen playing a Greta
Thunberg lecture. They fly along beaches and hover over parks, shouting and chasing off
people who try to have a little fun or live without fear.

"How dare you! You are robbing me of my dreams and my childhood!" one drone shouted
at a couple hanging out on a California beach, though they were hundreds of feet away
from anyone else. "You have stolen everything from me! EVERYTHING!"

Some models of the drones are also equipped with tasers that shock people and chase
them back into their homes while Greta warns about global warming, coronavirus fears,
and the need to submit to the coming one-world government. "I am an expert! Fear me!
Listen to me about everything!"

The number of drones being shot out of the sky has gone way up in most of these states,
except in California where you can't buy a gun.







Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Adds
Years To Your Life, But Only By Taking
Them Away From Others



SOUTH KINGSTOWN, RI—Researchers at the University of Rhode Island
published a study Friday revealing that the Mediterranean diet can, in fact, add
years to one’s life, but only by taking them away from others.

“Our study confirms that a diet rich in foods such as olive oil, fish, and green vegetables
can extend one’s lifespan by several years, as long as a life-expectancy equilibrium is
maintained through reducing another person’s life by an equal amount of time,” said
head researcher Mara Haugen, hypothesizing that the phenomenon could possibly
be attributed to the complex but lesser-known vampiric properties of omega-3
fatty acids.

“We’ve found that people who adhere to the Mediterranean diet tend to feel more
energized during the day and sleep more peacefully at night, feeding as they do off
the waning life force of another human being, who withers and becomes sickly in turn.

“This is a huge breakthrough in the field of nutrition, and we highly recommend people
adopt the lifestyle before they fall victim to it.”

Haugen went on to speculate that, if a person was fully committed to the Mediterranean
diet, it may be possible for them to draw enough life force from the Earth’s population
to achieve immortality.







CNN Replaces President Trump's Press
Briefings With President Xi's



ATLANTA, GA—CNN is refusing to air President Trump's press briefings, calling them
propaganda and fake news. Instead, the station will be broadcasting the far more fair,
balanced, and accurate daily takes by President Xi Jinping.

"We don't want to broadcast Trump's propaganda, so we'll turn to a far more accurate
source," said Brian Stelter. "We pretty much were already repeating the Chinese
government's stances word for word, so now we can go straight to the horse's mouth."

Financial costs were also a factor here, according to insiders. Legacy media has been hit
hard by the economic shutdown. CNN has had to look for ways to cut corners and save
time, and they found out they could save tons of man-hours by just broadcasting President
Xi Jinping's press briefings directly.

Now, instead of rewriting Chinese press briefings for an American audience, CNN can just
air the communist country's propaganda directly, getting hours' worth of free content to
broadcast to empty airports and hotel lobbies.

"We were spending all this time and effort translating his broadcasts and rewriting them,
and we figured this was a lot more efficient," said a CNN spokesperson. "Work smarter, not
harder."

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[supramax]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]