O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[Lou1se]

[TryingBB]

This chit is really getting out of hand!! :P

[Lou1se]

This chit is really getting out of hand!! :P

I hope they drug test him.

[Lou1se]

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil in-tent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY.
. ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[Lou1se]

"Do your best!"

[supramax]

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil in-tent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY.
. ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

Jeez Lou1se, nothing about a 7 day honeymoon!

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Bodybuilder's Veins Now Outside Of His Skin

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



Woman Who Calls All Her Ex's ‘Mental’ Hasn’t
Realized She Is Common Denominator



PHILADELPHIA—A WOMAN angry that none of her relationships ever work
has failed to take into account that she comprises 50 per cent of them.

Carolyn Ryan, aged 33, complains endlessly about all of the dreadful
a$sholes she has dated who have ruined everything while not realizing
there is a single linking factor.


She said: “Ever since my first boyfriend, who left me because I had that
very brief thing with his dad, it’s been an endless parade of unreasonable
heartbreakers.

“All my friends have managed to remain in stable, long term relationships
with sane partners, but I just seem to attract nutjobs who freak out at me
for no reason when I’ve borrowed their car for a few days. Because I
needed it.”

Ryan added: “Usually I dump them as soon as I detect a fault, but a few
have finished with me.

“One guy claimed talking to me made him feel like he was losing his mind.
What a weirdo.”






Study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How
Drunk You Are


Alligators exhibit the potential to inflict serious harm, regardless of the blood-alcohol
levels of their victims.

BATON ROUGE, LA—In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of
understanding about the nature of alligator–drunkard relations, Louisiana State
University researchers have concluded that people’s drunkenness does not
impair the ancient reptiles’ ability to inflict enormous physical harm.

“Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator
into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling,” said professor Ryder McCrory, chair
of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU’s prestigious Center For Bullying And
Hazing Studies. “Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask
motionlessly in the hot sun, it’s a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively
tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it.”

McCrory said the study yielded statistics that speak for themselves.

“In 10 out of 10 documented cases of violent alligator–drunkard encounters, the
reptile was not influenced by the fact that the victim was ‘just kidding’ or ‘just
having some fun,’” McCrory said.

To an alligator, McCrory explained, a human forearm, even drunkenly dangled
between the creature’s casually opened jaws, still appears to be prey.

In field experiments, members of the control group performed no better-—and
often far worse—than their sober counterparts in defending themselves against a
300-pound, seven-foot bull alligator. Even when armed with an empty tequila bottle.

“At best, the bottles bounced harmlessly off the alligator’s snout,” said LSU
research assistant Tracy Sawyer.

When placed in water, the drunken volunteers fared even worse, and the
alligator markedly better, Sawyer said.

In addition, the alligators far outperformed their inebriated human counterparts
in the following areas: lunging, biting, crushing, dismembering, and swallowing.



Drunkard Jim Boudreaux taunts the alligator he called “a total pussy” in front of friends.


According to the study, an alligator’s characteristic grin should not be interpreted as
a lighthearted reaction to the outrageous nerve of an alcohol-addled human. “Don’t
let an alligator’s easygoing appearance fool you,” Sawyer said. “These creatures
have no empathy for drunken pranksters looking for fun. They are not black bears.”

McCrory recommended that alligator wrestling be undertaken solely by professionals,
specifically roadside-attraction proprietors. For drunkards interested in proving
their mettle with alligators, the researchers proposed these guidelines:

Instead of baiting an alligator, seek another form of drunken recreation, such as
attending a strip club, burning a pile of tires, or painting one’s buttocks with a
funny face and videotaping it.

Sick or infant deer are considered a far safer match for most inebriated humans;
kicking a raccoon or squirrel already dying by the side of the road is also recommended.

Experts suggest that those who become aggressive after consuming alcohol
would be safer channeling that energy into more constructive behavior, such as
calling an ex-lover.

And McCrory warned drunkards who “absolutely must assault an alligator while
inebriated” to first make sure it is not a John Deere Gator cargo utility vehicle.
This oversight “is a common occurrence,” he said.







Paraguay Panics After Discovering Rich
Deposit Of Natural Resources



TORO PAMPA, PARAGUAY—Cursing their luck after scientists confirmed their
nation’s worst fears had been realized, officials in Paraguay were reportedly
panicking Wednesday after discovering a rich deposit of natural resources.

“Goddammit, this is tens of billions of dollars’ worth of rhodium, if not more—
we’re sitting right on an absolute disaster for Paraguay if word ever gets out
that this is here,” said visibly nervous President Mario Abdo Benîtez, warning
the scientists who had stumbled upon the discovery while working on another
project that if they cared about the future of the Paraguayan people, they should
do whatever they could to cover up the existence of rare mineral reserves in the
country.

“Hopefully, this incredibly valuable natural resource is confined to just this
area and we don’t have any more of it. Oh God, imagine if the United States
and other global investors find out.

You saw what just happened to Bolivia—if they’d had the good sense not to let
anyone find out they had lithium, they wouldn’t be in the mess they’re in now.
We’ve got to close down the area completely and never speak of this
again, otherwise we’re screwed.”

At press time, Paraguayan officials were considering blowing up the entire area
containing the rhodium deposits with C4 in an effort to ensure their
nation’s survival.

[Lou1se]

Good morning to everyone except ISIS and the Jihadist fanatics of Hamas,
Hizebola, Ilhan Omar, Linda Sarsour, Hiz-Butt-Tahrir, Boko Haram, Al-
Qaeda, Taliban, Imran Khan, Royal Qatari terrorists, Erdogan and everyone
who drinks camel urine and dies for 72 virgins and flying donkeys.

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Miscalculating Contestant Rushes To Cross
Out ‘Fu*k Alex Trebek’ Final Jeopardy Answer
After Seeing Goodwill From Previous
Contestant

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



Serial Killer Makes Impassioned Case For
Protecting Local Marsh



CHESTER, KY—Expressing his fear that development would destroy the pristine
and secluded location, area serial killer Anthony Ray Holbroke made an
impassioned plea for town leaders to enact measures protecting a local marsh,
sources confirmed Friday.

“These beautiful wetlands are one of the rare spots of untouched nature left in the area,
and people need to understand that when they’re gone, they’re gone forever,” said
the man who has been linked to the recent disappearances of four college-aged
women in the region, adding that cutting down the site’s dense vegetation or draining
the marshland would be devastating for the local community.

“We’re lucky to have such a beautiful and truly remote spot, and I believe we have an
obligation to ensure it remains undisturbed by man. Allowing anything to happen to
this magnificent marsh would be nothing short of a tragedy.”

Sources say Holbroke has voiced equal concern with the proposed development of
a small patch of forest just off Interstate 64.




Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit
Populations Along Cheddar Bay



CHEDDAR BAY, ME—Warning that local stocks had been depleted to dangerous
levels, environmentalists criticized Red Lobster on Wednesday for its part in
decimating biscuit populations along Cheddar Bay.

“It’s no coincidence that the biscuit population has dropped an alarming 84 percent
since Red Lobster was founded in 1968,” said Roger Gross, researcher at the Marine
& Environmental Research Institute, adding that the rate at which Red Lobster has
been harvesting biscuits from the bay was unsustainable, causing them to shrink
precipitously not only in number but also in size.

“Most biscuits will be gone in a decade, and the ones that remain won’t be anything
we’d recognize as golden-brown or flaky. And this doesn’t even factor in the
massive economic cost to Cheddar Bay, whose restaurants had been responsibly
trawling for biscuits for generations before Red Lobster’s massive fleet arrived.”

Gross went on to say that a moratorium was the only solution until the biscuit
populations were fully replenished, urging Red Lobster to temporarily double
up on far more plentiful hush puppies.






L’Oreal Suspends Production Of Irresistible 2-
Step Lip Color Stick After Lab Rat Seduces
Way Out Of Facility



NEW YORK—Warning that the sultry, long-lasting product had been
instrumental in the company’s biggest security breach to date, L’Oreal has
halted testing of their Irresistible 2-Step Lip Color Stick Friday after a lab rat
wearing the compelling cosmetic seduced its way out of their facility.

“At approximately 8 p.m. last night, a rodent wearing a testing formulation of
L’Oreal’s 19-1664 ‘rosewine’ lip shade successfully beckoned to an
unsuspecting guard and distracted him with its perfect, pouty mouth,
bewitching him long enough to reach his keyring, unlock its cage, and escape,”
said L’Oreal CEO Jean Paul Agon, who emphasized that production of the color
stick would be halted until an internal investigation could determine how the rat
was able to not only stun over a dozen officers with its craveable come-hither
look, but also leave the head of surveillance blindfolded and tied to a chair
with his boxers around his ankles.

“Until we find out exactly how test subject number 445 ended up with lips so
luscious that every member of our security team was powerless to resist them,
it would be egregiously irresponsible to release this product to the public.
You must understand: No matter how fast it scampered, no matter how
many guards it kissed, this rat had a perfect pucker that was impossible to
resist.

“We will not allow a lip color this sultry, this durable, this dangerous, to be
sold. Because it’s not worth it.”

At press time, Agon had warned residents who lived around the L’Oreal facility
to take extra precautions while out at night, as the rat’s no-smear
lip color stays flawless for up to 12 hours.

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

Cass, they seem to have left your name off the list

[Lou1se]

I would like to wish you and all the bodybuilding.com team, your family and friends a Happy Thanksgiving.
Every day is a gift that should be met with thanks. Have a safe and wonderful day

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


6-Year-Old $hits Out Half-Assed Hand
Turkey

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



Child Decides To Become Vegetarian After
Forming Close Friendship With Roasted
Turkey Leg



SOMERVILLE, MA—Touching on the immediate emotional connection he
shared with the piece of poultry, 4-year-old Kyle Wright reportedly decided to
become a vegetarian Thursday after forming a close friendship with a roasted
turkey leg.

“Gosh, I can’t believe I ever thought of eating a friendly little guy like Harry,” said
Wright, who hugged the recently named drumstick close to his chest as he explained
that his choice of vegetarianism came about after hearing his mother explain that
the turkey legs they eat at the dinner table were no different from the one he
had spent the past week cuddling with before bedtime and walking around
the yard with a leash.

“It never crossed my mind before. But the longer I spend with him and his cute knobby
foot, the more I get that he has feelings and dreams just the same as me. Sure, he’s
a little shy, but why would I ever want to hurt my best pal?”

At press time, Wright was visibly horrified after kissing the turkey leg and finding
his crispy, salt-brined skin irresistibly delicious.






Cat Wakes Up On Car Roof After Another
Massive Session



AUGUSTA, ME—A CAT has woken up on the roof of a random car
after an all-night drinking session, it has emerged.

Cat Tiddles has no idea how he ended up sleeping on a 2003 Toyota Camry
but does have a vague recollection of swaying around to Simply the Best
with his collar off.

Tiddles said: “You know you’ve had a big one when you wake up on top
of an object that can reach 110mph.

“Sometimes I’ll wake up on some shoes in the hall or behind the tv but rarely
does it get so bad that I wake up outside with my coat frozen onto metal.

“My mate has had a litter of six and we were out to wet the kittens’ heads.
Or was that Sunday? I forget.”

Tiddles added: “Next up I’ve got to face the cat flap. You try opening a small
door with your head after you’ve had a furful.”






Man Pissed After Becoming Trapped In
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade While Out
Walking Giant Pikachu Balloon



NEW YORK—Unable to escape the crowded procession, local man Alex Boutros
was pissed Thursday after becoming trapped in the Macy’s Day Parade while he
was out walking his giant Pikachu balloon.

“Goddammit, this is just my fuking luck,” said Boutros, who was stuck between the Rockettes
and the “Snoopy’s Doghouse” float, adding that he was just planning on taking a quick
stroll to walk his Pokémon-themed balloon and grab some coffee but ended up
getting swept up in a high school marching band while attempting to cross
Seventh Ave.

“I tried to get out, but the crowd just started screaming and pushed me in line. Now I’m,
like, 30 blocks from where I’m supposed to be, and all this commotion is really
freaking out my Pikachu.”

At press time, a frustrated Boutros was frantically stuffing his Pikachu balloon into a cab.

[mtpockets]

[supramax]

Lol. Good one.

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

Tampax are taking the string out of tampons and replacing it with tinsel but
this will only be for the Christmas period.

[mtpockets]

Just realized my missus has Walmart eyes
they roll back

[mtpockets]

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

An unfinished Aussie Christmas song

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Crane Operator Likes To Start Day With
A Quick 360

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



Nation Returns To Regular Workweek A Little
More Kind, A Little More Thoughtful, A Little
More Thankful



WASHINGTON—Getting back into their routines with a renewed outlook on life
after the long holiday weekend, the entire U.S. labor force reportedly returned to
work Monday a little more kind, a little more thoughtful, and a little more
thankful.

“My job isn’t perfect, but I’m grateful it’s mine and grateful to be back,” said 43-year-old
Salt Lake City resident Jacob Estrada, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who
made sure to kiss their spouses and give their kids an extra hug this morning before
they cheerfully headed off to their respective workplaces with a bit more
appreciation for all they have.

“Spending time with friends and family this weekend reminded me how much life has given
me. Even when I got stuck in traffic during my commute, I just sat there humming a
little tune to myself and thinking how lucky I am to be able to provide for my family.

“Really, nothing’s ever as bad as it seems if you simply take a moment now and then
to count your blessings.”

At presstime, sources across the country confirmed every American worker had
stopped smiling and saying hello to their colleagues and resumed muttering curses
under their breath.






Grandma Amazed By How Fukable Grandson
Has Gotten Since She Saw Him Last



DUNCANVILLE, TX—Beckoning the boy to come closer so “Nana can feel those
washboard abs,” local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed
Monday by how fukable her grandson has gotten since she last saw him.

“My, Jackson, you are really growing into quite the grade-A slice of man meat! Ooh, I just
want to pinch your tight little ass cheeks,” said the 83-year-old, embracing the 18-year-
old while remarking that pretty soon he will be “slaying poon like nobody’s business.”

“Heavens! When did you get this gigantic bulge of yours? Oh, I bet all the little girls at
school already want to bang the $hit out of you—tell me, Jackson, do you have
a fuk buddy yet?

“Goodness gracious. What I did for God to bless me with so many sexy little numbers
as grandchildren? I must be the proudest, wettest grandma in the world.”

Paulson added that the 18-year-old is just as fukable as his dad was at that age.






Scientists Teach Sign Language To Gorilla-
Suit-Wearing Man


Brian, a full-grown, adult gorilla-suit-wearing man, communicates with a researcher.


HILLSBORO, OR—In what is being hailed as a major breakthrough by the
scientific community, a team of researchers announced Monday that they had
successfully taught American Sign Language to a 43-year-old gorilla-suit-
wearing man.

Scientists at the Oregon National Primate Research Center told reporters that
Brian, a western Kansas–born gorilla-costumed male living in their facility, has
already learned well over 250 words in sign language, including all 26 letters of
the alphabet, basic greetings, and even several short, simple phrases.

“It’s been an extensive process, but it’s remarkable to see Brian starting to
express his thoughts and emotions to us with signing,” said lead researcher
Rebecca Hayes, telling reporters that after just nine months of instruction, the
full-grown great-ape-suit-wearing man is already capable of stringing his
thoughts together into almost complete sentences. “Not only does he have the
ability to tell us when he’s hungry or thirsty, but he can now use signs to
demonstrate feelings of happiness, anger, and even love.”

“Of course, Brian’s vocabulary must expand considerably before we can engage
in normal conversation with him,” Hayes continued. “But until then, his limited
command of sign language is providing a fascinating glimpse inside the mind of
an adult gorilla-suit-wearing human.”

Despite Brian’s current success with sign language, researchers told reporters
the 180-pound gorilla-suit-wearing man struggled in his early lessons, and was
often unable to use his shaggy, glove-covered fingers to form even basic
vocabulary words.

“When we first started communicating to Brian in sign language, he would
often spend hours just staring at us with a completely blank expression,” said
assistant researcher Michael Pereira, who works with the middle-aged gorilla-
suit-clad man daily in his naturalistic enclosure within the facility. “But now,
the second Brian sees us coming, he excitedly leaps to his molded-latex feet and
rushes over to our research team to impart information to them with sign
language.”

“None of this should be considered too surprising, of course,” added Pereira.
“Our findings show the average gorilla-costume-wearing individual shares an
estimated 100 percent of a human being’s genetic code.”

While the work of the Oregon-based team has not gone without its criticism,
with many saying Brian isn’t actually learning sign language, but merely
mimicking gestures, primatologists training the advanced gorilla-suit-wearing
man claim they have detected more and more signs of comprehension on his
latex-masked face each and every day.

“Everyone who has worked with Brian will verify that he really does display a
rudimentary understanding of what we are saying to him.” Hayes told reporters.
“In fact, each of the researchers made a connection with Brian and forged a
meaningful bond with him. He is one of the most affectionate and
compassionate gorilla-suit-wearing men I’ve ever encountered.”

“When you look deep into his large, rubber-cutout eyeholes, you can tell that
he’s really engrossed in contemplation,” Hayes added.

In an effort to promote a better understanding of their research, Hayes and her
team recently launched The Brian Project, a website filled with video
documentation of the remarkable gorilla-suit-wearing man. Among the
released videos, there is footage of the 43-year-old’s first attempt at signing his
own name, a clip where he signs “I love you” to a female researcher, and a
particularly intriguing segment showing a frustrated Brian beating his vinyl
chest after failing to understand a sentence and uttering what scientists believe
to be a muffled, barely audible “Goddammit.”

Zoologists from around the country have already begun expressing their interest
in the studies, with several speculating that Brian’s developments could
radically change not just how science views gorilla-suit-wearing men, but the
entire evolution of primate-costumed people as we know it.

“Essentially, we can now say that gorilla-suit-wearing humans are far smarter
and more capable than anyone could have previously anticipated,” said
Princeton University primatologist Jeffrey Harding. “Hopefully, our research on
a specimen like Brian will change the general public's preconceived notions and
society will eventually learn to look beyond these creatures’ cheap metal zippers
and realize that they are actually quite similar to you or me.”

“Ultimately, however, I hope this study has the greatest impact on our
conservation efforts,” added Harding. “If only to help the rapidly dwindling
population of gorilla-suit-wearing men throughout the world.”

Just two days after Hayes and her team spoke with reporters, members of the
Oregon National Primate Research Center issued a solemn statement saying
they were forced to euthanize Brian on Wednesday, after the gorilla-suit-
wearing man suddenly felt threatened in his environment and violently attacked
a researcher, leaving him in critical condition.

[Lou1se]

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No sh*t?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

[Lou1se]

My science teacher asked me to compose a sentence containing the words
"Cosmic ray"

I said "I'm wearing my blue jumper, cosmic ray one is in the wash.


~;~


“Doc, all 5 of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen



~;~



A mother says to her son.. come on get up it's time for school, mom I don't
want to go, mom none of the kids like me, and the teachers absolutely
hate me, the mom says for fu*ksake Malcolm you're 46 and
the fu*king Principal you gotta go!!


~;~


How do you make a dog drink?





















































Stick it in a blender.

[Lou1se]

DR DOG: We need to talk about your weight.
PATIENT: I'm not fat. I'm just big boned.
DR DOG: *drooling everywhere* Just how big exactly?