O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[Mark1T]

I think this is how Louisie really laughs and answers questions by random Aussies

[Lou1se]

I think this is how Louisie really laughs and answers questions by random Aussies

[youtube]tMJm4cZ9yxQ[youtube]

lol nothing like it, Mark. And honestly, I don't know what you're talking about. It must be that American-English you're speaking

[Mark1T]

lol nothing like it, Mark. And honestly, I don't know what you're talking about. It must be that American-English you're speaking

Ok, Louise, that was quite cleverly funny

[Lou1se]

Ok, Louise, that was quite cleverly funny

Shhhhhh..


You must not talk to me - it is forbidden!

[JaymzJ]

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

[Lou1se]

With great reflexes...

Comes great response ability.




--



A woman heads to work and gets in the elevator followed in by a man. She
smiles at him and says ,T.G.I.F, where he replies S.H.I.T. Thinking that he
hasn't heard her, she again smiles and says, T.G.I.f.. He smiles back and
says S.H.I.T.. At this point she is getting a little annoyed and repeats herself
again, T.G.I.F. Man again says S.H.I.T. She says, to him," Do you know what
I'm saying to you and what it means?".
"I'm saying to you, thank God it's Friday".

He says to her, "Do you know what I'm saying to you and what it means? I'm
saying to you, Sorry honey it's Thursday".

[Lou1se]

I was pulled over by the police for speeding.... as the officer was writing
up my ticket I asked, "If I say something really abusive to you would you
arrest me?"

The officer replies, "Yes, I would."

I asked him, "Would you arrest me for thinking something abusive?"

"No," said the officer, "I can't."

I said, "Well in that case I think your a c**t!!"

[tanksoldier]

Air Force upset nobody wants to steal its valor

Funny but true. I’ve never seen somebody dresses in a fake Air Force uniform or wearing a Combat Controller or PJ beret.

[Lou1se]

One of the best comedy skits, ever!

[Lou1se]

Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the extra stroke?"

Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this tree."

Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by ol' Arnold Palmer, proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.

Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three feet tall."



--



Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"
"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!
"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

Irish Mother's Letter To Son




Dear Son,



We are all doing very well.
You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your
dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your
home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford.


I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here
took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change
their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well
though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.



Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting
the grass at the cemetery.



Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl,
so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've
already made him a court martial!



Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some
of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him
and it took three days to put out the fire.



I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small
tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy
it from him.



The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then
for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.



We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's
plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.



About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too
heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the
pockets.



John locked his keys in the car yesterday.. We were really worried because it took him
two hours to get me and your father out.



Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound
down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the
back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.



There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.



Your loving Mum.



P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

[Lou1se]

People who copy and paste jokes from other people's status updates are idiots… A
few seconds ago • Like • Comment

[Lou1se]

THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




Concerned Nation Gently Encourages Boston
To Take It Easy This St. Patrick’s Day



BOSTON—Expressing concern for the well-being of the greater metropolitan area in light
of their long history of irresponsible behavior, the populace of the United States gently
suggested to Boston Thursday that perhaps they should take it easy this St. Patrick’s Day.

“We want you guys to have fun and celebrate, but don’t go completely overboard this year, all
right?” said the apprehensive U.S. populace, reminding the nation’s most outspoken bastion of
both real and imagined Irish-American culture that they could celebrate the holiday without
binge drinking, bare-knuckle boxing, or climbing on top of a car to drunkenly egg on bare-
knuckle boxers.

“By all means, you can drink a couple beers, even green beers, and have a good time, but maybe
cool it with the Jameson shots and definitely no Irish coffee, okay? Remember, you racked up
$42 million in medical bills last St. Patrick’s, and that’s before accounting for fire department
overtime.”

The nation further emphasized that it honestly wanted Boston to enjoy itself, and did not expect
the city to maintain the quiet atmosphere of sullen, resentful drunkenness with which residents
observed Black History Month.






Cats confirm all fights to take place between
2am and 5am



CATS have confirmed all their loud annoying fights will take
place in the early hours of the morning.

Cat Martin Bishop said: “The best part of 'duking it out' is when a
human leans out of a window and tells you to ‘shut the fuk up.’ It’s
hilarious and can be a welcomed tension breaker.

“There was talk of a ten 'til midnight fighting window but the aim is
to wake as many people as possible. It’s also occult lore that 3am is
the Devil’s hour which provides the perfect, blood-curdling atmosphere.

“The daytime is for personal grooming, you need good lighting when
you’re trying to pull ticks out of thick fur.”

Bishop added: “We’ll reconsider scheduling when you stop attaching bells
to our collars. I move even slightly I ting-a-ling, it’s really undermining
my dignity and mental health.”






Last human to use two spaces after a
period dies



THE last person to still use two spaces after a period has died,
it has been confirmed.

While friends and family have mourned the passing of Roy Wilson,
87, the rest of the world is quietly relieved to see the end of the
typographical pedantry that he takes with him to his grave.

His daughter Laura Wilson commented: “We’re very touched by all
the support we have received and we know that dear old dad could
never be replaced.

“But yeah, that double space thing was so f***ing annoying! Amen to
the end of that.”

Wilson added that she had repeatedly informed her father that double
gap was actually out-of-date spacing used on old typewriters.

She continued: “He kept saying it was the ‘correct way’ and irritating us all
by doing it in text messages and emails until he passed.

“We really will miss him. Period. One space.”

[Lou1se]

[tanksoldier]

Last human to use two spaces after a
period dies

Rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. Greatly.

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

The French Hippo

http://worldnewsdailyreport.com/400-...d-to-rape-her/

[Lou1se]

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "fire!"

[Lou1se]

[JaymzJ]

Gotta love fail videos... sh cool <-have to watch to get that

[Lou1se]

/\ smh

[Lou1se]

What a strange situation to be in. This is a true story.


The walking dead: Living Romanian man fails to overturn death certificate​
March 16, 2018​


It appears that literally being alive isn’t enough to convince a Romanian court of the fact. Authorities in Vasului have rejected a man’s claim that he’s alive after he was officially registered as deceased.


Variouslocalmedia(see below for links) report that 63-year-old Constantin Reliu cannot be declared alive because he appealed against his certified death too late. Alarmingly, local authorities say the ruling is final.


Reliu moved to Turkey in 1992 where he found work as a chef, but his family reportedly did not hear from him after his last visit back to Romania in 1999. Hearing no news from him in the intervening years, his estranged wife sought to have him declared dead and managed to procure a death certificate for him in 2016.

Having been found with expired documents by Turkish authorities in January 2018, Reliu was deported back to Romania only to find out that he was legally dead. “The customs authorities questioned me more than six hours before they realized it was not a hoax,” Reliu reportedly said of his ‘welcome’ home.


“I am officially dead, although I’m alive, I have no income and because I am listed dead, I can’t do anything,” he added, as cited by the AP. Reliu claims that he tried to contact his wife and their 39-year-old daughter a number of times but neither wanted to communicate with him.


After his failed court action, magistrates explained that under Romanian law his appeal was made too late – almost two years after his death was certified – and as a result cannot be considered by the court.


Various local media sources -
https://www.click.ro/news/national/s...totusi-traiesc
http://adevarul.ro/locale/vaslui/pov...658/index.html
http://stiri.tvr.ro/un-barbat-din-va...9057.html#view
https://www.apnews.com/ee4d620dae76406a93e02b434c970740

[Lou1se]

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

[Lou1se]

World Economics Explained. (stole this from a Linkedin post)

[Lou1se]

Cont-






A clever poster added this one -



An Australian Corporation

The Government subsidizes two cows
and then sells the farm and water rights to a Chinese company
The Chinese company milks the cows and sends the milk and cream to China
where the milk is processed and sent back to Australia and they keep the cream.

[JaymzJ]

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 100?

Spoiler!

When she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.

[tanksoldier]

Reliu claims that he tried to contact his wife and their 39-year-old daughter a number of times but neither wanted to communicate with him.

He’s dead to them....

[Lou1se]

Yes. It would seem so, TS.




A chemistry professor wanted to teach the 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.

“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, as happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…

“Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”



--



I put a bet on 3 horses today called Sunshine, Moonlight and Good Times.

Not one of them won...

I blame it on the bookie !!!



--



Teacher asked her class: "What is sex?"

Johnny got up and said: "Sex is a *temptation* , caused by a *sensation* where a boy sticks his *location* into a girl's *destination* to increase the *population* of the next *generation* . Did you get my *explanation* ? Or do you need a *demonstration* ?

The teacher fainted.

[Lou1se]