O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[Lou1se]

Husband Convicted Of Manslaughter After Dutch Oven Goes "Horribly Wrong"
Written by Nick Houldsworth



Mr Brian Flannery was convicted of 2nd Degree Manslaughter today at Peckham Crown Court, receiving a 5 year suspended sentence for the accidental death of his wife, Gloria Flannery, by toxic suffocation, after he gave her a 'Dutch Oven' that went, as the Judge described it, 'horribly, horribly wrong'.

The case for the prosecution argued for the charge of Murder, putting it to the court that, late one weekday evening as Mrs Flannery was reading a Jackie Collins novel in bed and unwinding for sleep, she was suddenly and forcibly pinned under the duvet by Mr Flannery, who sealed the edges with his weight while simultaneously releasing an enormous bolus of flatulence, which displaced all the available oxygen so that Mrs Flannery passed out nearly instantly, and was dead within 30 seconds.

Arguing for the defence, Mr Cavendish QC, stated that Mr Flannery was deeply upset and regretful. The incident was intended as a light-hearted practical joke, indeed it was the first time Mr Flannery had even tried what is commonly known on the street as a 'Dutch Oven', and even then only after hearing some friends talking one evening in the pub after five-a-side football, about 'doing it' to their wives 'all the time'.

They argued that Mr Flannery had miscalculated two crucial factors which led to the tragic outcome. The first being Mrs Flannery's military tucking in of the 600 weight cotton sheets when she made the bed that morning, which created a near airtight seal . Secondly, Mr Flannery had neglected to remember that he had attended a long business lunch at an Indian restaurant on Brick Lane that day, at which he had consumed a dozen onion Bajees, eight Poppadom, six Samosas, and an extra large beef Vindaloo with garlic naan, all washed down with 8 pints of Guinness beer. The resulting trapped wind, which he released within a 6 inch proximity of Mrs Flannery's face, came in at around 6 litres gas of 95% methane by volume.

During sentencing, the judge, The Hon Dame Roberts, said, "I accept that you did not intend that your wife should die in this manner, and I note both your grief and regret, which is why I will suspend your sentence on the grounds of time already served. Nonetheless, the conviction remains, in the hope that you will be an example to other husbands and boyfriends across the UK, and a ray of light to their long suffering wives and girlfriends, that this frankly gross, and often dangerous practice can no longer be taken lightly, or risk facing such tragic consequences as you have."

Outside the court, an emotional and weary Mr Flannery said, "I am truly very sorry for what I did to my wife, and living with the guilt of what I done is punishment enough. I just hope that others will learn from my mistake. I swear, I will never, ever fart in a woman's face again. At least, not in private."...

....read more \/\/


Source - http://www.ronsonwriter.com/content/view/69/9/

[Lou1se]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the husband were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once he killed himself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

[X-ring]

Does anyone know why baby diapers are called Luvs & Huggies while old people diapers are called Depends?

Cause if a baby crap's in their pants, you are still gonna Luv'em & Hug'em.

If an old person craps in their pants, will they still be Luv'ed or Hugged?.....

That "Depends" on if you're in the Will or not.

[Lou1se]

From what I can gather, LG does this to real people and then makes a commercial out of it. Hilarious!


Epic apocalypse prank spices up job interviews in LG advertisement

Read more: http://www.news.com.au/technology/co...#ixzz2e4xfke9J

[pvsampson]

In Asia Minor,Muslims believe that bacon will make them feel a bit Sikh.

[waldopepper]

This light will never die...

[waldopepper]

[Fatoichi]

did you hear about the cat who ate the ball of yarn?

she had mittens

[waldopepper]

[Lou1se]

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the ringer offered. “Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in NSW, I came across a gang of bikies who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground.”

I yelled, “Now back off!! Or I’ll kick the sh#t outa the lot of ya’s!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?” he asked.

“Just a couple a minutes ago…..”

[Lou1se]

An elderly Italian lived alone in New Jersey.

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..? I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area, but without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie.

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

[Lou1se]

They always ask at the doctors office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others whats wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a doctors receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?

There's something wrong with my dick, he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.

Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said.

The receptionist replied; Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.

The man replied, You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, yes??

There's something wrong with my ear, he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice... And what is wrong with your ear, sir?

I cant piss out of it, he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter...

[waldopepper]

[Lou1se]

Shane and Phil were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Melbourne, Australia.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the
hangar with nothing to do.

Phil said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Shane says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze, get completely smashed, and have a great evening.

The next morning Phil wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT!

NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. It's Shane. Shane says, 'Hey, how are you this morning?'

Phil says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

Shane, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Phil says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often. In fact I'm going to be having only jet fuel from now on'

Shane,'Yeah, well... there is just one thing.'

'What's that?'

'Have you farted yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in New Zealand'

[pvsampson]

Oh Weez.I want to thee ya wun awound.

[cowboybiker]

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....

[MiamiSpartan]

Interesting facts about me:
1. My penis is not as long as a Subway Foot Long sandwich.
2. I am now banned from Subway.







😄😄😄

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

[X-ring]

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She
picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell
you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people
buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are
buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back
to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to
buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we
cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of
old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that
you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
dog food.

The next day she brought in a shoebox with a hole in the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The
cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and
quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That feels and smells like s**t."


The little old lady said, "It is... I want to buy three rolls of toilet
paper."

[LordGrover]

Pretty sure this is how bro science is generated too...

[MiamiSpartan]

You should never ask a lady if she is pregnant. And you should NEVER, EVER follow that up with "Are you sure?"

[Lou1se]

[Lou1se]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (Look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the requisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

[Lou1se]

Attempting to Set A NEW PASSWORD:


Sorry that password has expired - you must register a new one.


User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?


Website: No, you must get a new one.


User: OK, roses


Website: Sorry you must use more letters.


User: OK, pretty roses


Website: Sorry you must use at least one number.


User: OK, 1 pretty rose


Website: Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.


User: OK, 1prettyrose


Website: Sorry, you must use additional letters.


User: OK, 1fcukingprettyrose


Website: Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter.


User: OK, 1FCUKINGprettyrose


Website: Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.


User: OK, 1Fcukingprettyrose


Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters.


User: OK, 1Fcukingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemea ccessrightfcukingnow


Website: Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used.

[Geoff Richards]

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the husband were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once he killed himself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

hahahahah,that's gold

[Geoff Richards]

I was woken up one night by a noise outside
peering through the curtains I notice 2 blokes unbolting and stealing my front gates




I didn't say anything in case they took offence

[DocHoss]

Good one!

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (Look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

16. So-called American "cheese" is herewith banned and shall be replaced with Wensleydale or Red Leicester.