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  1. #121
    Registered User ChocoChick's Avatar
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    Ouch!!!!!
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  2. #122
    Giving up on LORD STANLEY BeLeafer's Avatar
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    Talking Baah Baah Bad Sheep! (It's a long one!!)

    Let me apologise to any Scots upfront. I realize how sensitive these issues can be.

    A ventriliquist is driving throught the country.
    His car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
    He gets out, pops the hood to find his fan belt busted. Goes into the trunk and finds a new one there, but no tools?
    Sitting there dejected, he hears a tractor a way off. He jumps on the roof, looks across the fields and sees cows and sheep and in the distance.....a tractor pulling a wagon of hay.
    Waiving his arms frantically he manages to get the farmers attention. Several moments pass, and the farmer pulls up, wagon in tow, his faithful dog running beside.
    The ventriliquist explains the situation to which the farmer replys, "O'er half n' hour to the barn in back from here." Thankful for the help the ventriliquist sits to wait as the farmer leaves to get some tools, dog running along side.
    Minutes pass and the ventriliquist muses on having a little fun when the farmer returns.
    As true to his word the farmer returns within the hour with tools, loyal pup alongside.

    The following dialogue ensues:

    Ventriliquist: "Mr. Farmer ever talk to your old dog there?"

    Farmer: "You must be a city boy. Had old SHEP from a pup and as far as I know dogs don't talk."

    Ventriliquist: "Sure they do! Hey SHEP?? SHEP boy?" (the dog was running about, stops cold, and cocks his head upon hearing his name)

    Ventriliquist: "Shep, how's life on the farm?" (ventriliquist using his talent, gets an answer)

    SHEP: "IT'S GREAT! TWO MEALS, TABLE SCRAPS, LOTS OF ROOM FOR RUNNIN AND JUMPIN, FARM LIFE IS GREAT!!"

    Farmer: (jaw dropped) "Had him near 8 years and he's never said a word??" (stunned silence afterward)

    Ventriliquist: "Mr. Farmer? Then surely you've spoken to your cows there?" (motioning toward the fence)

    Farmer: "OK, old Shep there maybe...cause I never spoke to him afore. But the cows don't talk...been raisin cows upwards a 30 years...never heard em talk...not never!"

    Ventriliquist: "Sure they do?...Mrs.Cow? How's life on the farm" (cows grazing through the fence look over at the men with indifference)

    COW: "MMOOOO! NOT BAD AT ALL. GOT A GREAT BIG BARN TO SLEEP IN AND FIELDS TO ROAM. WHEN I'M FULL O' MILK..THE FARMER THERE, HE MILKS ME. WISH HE'D WARM HIS HAND MORE OFTEN THOUGH, BUT, IN ALL IT'S A GOOD LIFE!!"

    Farmer: (again in stunned silence) "I never???"

    Ventriliquist: "Well then if not old SHEP and THE COWS, surely you've spoken with your sheep there?" (motioning across the fence toward the sheep)

    Farmer: (in deadpan without missing a beat) "EVERYBODY KNOWS SHEEP LIE!!!"
    "If you prick me, do I not Bleed? (blue and white)"
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  3. #123
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking

    Originally Posted by harleygirl
    Subject: Hilarious

    All methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal.

    The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom.

    It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you Just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough I can figure it out.

    YA THINK!!!

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my ass (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

    Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extrodinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek (Yes, it was a long strip).

    I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. ****!!! Another deep breath and
    RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???
    OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that
    has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my
    triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip but there is no hair on it. Where is
    the wax??? Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
    I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
    wax.

    ****!! I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that is now
    covered in cold wax and matted hair and then make the next big mistake -remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.

    I know I need to move to do something. So I put my foot down and then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass ?? Sealed
    shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
    think to myself "I hope I dont get the urge to ****. My head may pop off.

    Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

    WRONG

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

    Now the only thing worse that having your bussiness glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot
    water. Which by the way doesnt melt the cold wax.

    So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! I call my friend thinking surely shes waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. Its a very good conversation starter "So,my ass and cooch are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

    She doesnt have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the ass "Are we talking
    cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

    I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
    box YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of some one elses night. While we go through various solutions. I result in scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

    I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT works!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So I shaved the **** off. Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicine cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday..

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......
    I needed that laugh today, sorry it was at your expense. I tried waxing M once and only once, it was her idea. When I pulled that strip of the bermuda triangle, she somehow managed to levitate while calling me every miserable low life SOB in the book. Now I shave the goods.
    Last edited by GREENFEATHER; 07-22-2005 at 01:44 PM.
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  4. #124
    Registered User harleygirl's Avatar
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    This didn't happen to me....at least not recently......and not quite that bad. It was an email forwarded to me and I thought it was one of the funniest things I had read in quite some time. I actually had tears rolling from the laughter. And anyone who has tried any kind of at home waxing can so relate!!!
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  5. #125
    the Epicurean bodybuilder A.FreeRadical's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by harleygirl
    This didn't happen to me....at least not recently......and not quite that bad. It was an email forwarded to me and I thought it was one of the funniest things I had read in quite some time. I actually had tears rolling from the laughter. And anyone who has tried any kind of at home waxing can so relate!!!
    Oh? I am not sure I am ever going to look at your sig and not think about your ass and other parts glued to your bathtub.

    It is a funny story.

    *
    aA.FreeRadical a
    Jun. 2004
    Neck 16.5" Shoulders 49" Biceps 14.5" Chest 42" Waist 37" Hips 39" Thighs 21"....5' 9" tall 184 lbs bf 18%

    July 2007
    Neck 17" Shoulders 50" Biceps 16" Chest 44" Waist 34" Hips 38" Thighs 23"..... 5' 9" tall 189 lbs 19% bf
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  6. #126
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking A small white dot

    A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out
    something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
    When the time came to present what they'd found, the first
    little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the
    class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
    blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him
    what it was. "It's a period," he replied. "I can see that,"
    said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
    "Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning my sister was
    missing one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack and the
    boy next door joined the Marines."
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  7. #127
    Registered User Be-Be's Avatar
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    New Night Classes for Men!

    Things are a little boring around here so I thought I would post some interesting classes for men that were emailed to me. Pass them on to every man you know.

    NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!

    ALL ARE WELCOME

    OPEN TO MEN ONLY
    Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

    The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

    DAY ONE

    HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
    Step by step guide with slide presentation

    TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
    Roundtable discussion

    DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
    Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

    DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among a panel of experts.

    LOSS OF VIRILITY
    Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

    LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
    Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum


    DAY TWO

    EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN? Group discussion and role play

    HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH PowerPoint presentation

    REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
    Real life testimonial from the one man who did

    IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation

    LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER Online class and role playing

    HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
    Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

    REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE Bring your calendar or PDA to class

    GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME Individual counselors available
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  8. #128
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking A bank loan

    A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
    nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

    "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

    Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says
    his
    name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he
    knows
    the bank manager.

    Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
    collateral.

    The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
    elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

    Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
    manager and disappears into a back office.


    She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger
    out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

    She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
    this?"





    The bank manager looks back at her and says...

    "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
    Rolling Stone."


    (You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
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  9. #129
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    What religion is your bra?

    Don't laugh damnit my mom sent this to me!!



    WHAT RELIGION IS YOUR BRA? A man went into the ladies department of a Macy's and "shyly" walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife". "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type"?, inquires the man, "there's more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a 'sea of bras' in every shape, size, color, and material imaginable. Actually, even with all this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied, "there are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Methodist/Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now, totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..... The Catholic type "supports the masses" The Salvation Army type "Lifts the fallen" The Methodist/Presbyterian type "keeps them staunch and upright"...and... The Baptist type "makes mountains out of molehills"! Have you ever wondered why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!! (A) Almost boobs.... (B) Barely there... (C) Can't complain!... (D) Dang!... (DD) Double dang!.... (E) Enormous!... (F) Fake!... (G) Get a reduction!... (H) Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!... OH,...they forgot the German bra... Holtzemfromfloppen!!!
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  10. #130
    Registered User mom24boys's Avatar
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    Bake Sale

    LOL @ greenfeathers




    Alice was to bake a cake for the ladies' bridge group bake
    sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

    She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the
    oven, the center had dropped flat.

    She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

    So, she looked around the house for something to build up
    the center of the cake.

    Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.

    She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

    The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to
    the sale. Before she left the house, Alice had given her
    daughter some money and specific instructions to be at
    the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake
    and bring it home.

    When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake
    had already been sold.

    Alice was beside herself.

    The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where
    two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

    After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it
    off,
    the cake in question was presented for dessert.

    Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to
    rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
    before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies
    said, "What a beautiful cake!"

    Alice sat back in her chair and almost wet herself when
    she heard the hostess say ..
    "Thank you, I baked it myself."
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    Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor

    peered over the fence. Even though he didn't much like the kid he was

    interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he asked,

    "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy

    tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

    The neighbor laughed and said condescendingly, "That's a really big
    hole for a

    goldfish, isn't it?"
    Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then
    replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."
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    Nuts

    A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear,

    made of Saran Wrap.






    The psychiatrist says, "Well... I can clearly see your nuts...."
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    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking Math for dummies!

    I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

    This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.

    "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

    I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

    I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

    That's 96 miles each day.

    Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

    Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

    There's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

    That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

    Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

    That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

    Statistically, half of these are driven by females.

    That's 18,000 women drivers!

    In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

    That's 642.

    According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

    That's 449.

    According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

    That's 98.

    And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

    That's 33.

    According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

    That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

    Flip one off? ... I think NOT!!
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    Jim and Fred were standing at the base of a flagpole.
    A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

    "We gotta find the height of this here flagpole," said Jim, "but we
    ain't got a ladder."

    The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a
    few bolts, and laid the pole down.Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement,announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

    Fred shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dum' blonde.
    We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

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    Talking

    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
    Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

    The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball."
    Man: "That's nice."
    Boy: "Want to buy it?"
    Man: "No, thanks."
    Boy: "My dad's outside."
    Man: "OK, how much?"
    Boy: "$250"

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are In the closet together.
    Boy: "Dark in here."
    Man: "Yes, it is."
    Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
    Boy: "$750"
    Man: "Sold."

    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
    Boy: "$1,000"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that .. that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
    The boy says, "Dark in here."
    The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
    My Music: http://jaguarr.spymac.com

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    Oh, well......

    What do you call a bunch of blondes standing around in a circle? A "dope" ring. What do you call a brunette standing in the middle of that circle? An intrepreter. Did you hear that the Sherrif of Sparta, Georgia just declared that the Redneck-Serial-Murder cases he has on file can not and never will be solved...Know why?...All the victums had the same DNA and there are no dental records on file. How do you know that you are a real "RedNeck"?...Your kids have permanent KoolAid stains around their lips (just like your Aunt Millie in NYC has a permanent "lipstick" stain around her lips)...All of your furniture was picked up off of the highway...You've been married to your Aunt, twice, and she is your father's sister...You've been married 10 times, and you keep all of your wedding photos in your back pocket....What do you call a "virgin" from Oklahoma?...A 19 year old with 6 kids....Well, its about 3am now, maybe I'll go lay down and see if I can get some sleep....HeHe!
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    $10.00 is $10.00

    One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10."
    So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money. Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpykind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation... The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free.
    But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride. The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
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    Dissappearing Act

    A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
    Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps
    away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down
    his chair and under the table, but the woman acted
    unconcerned.

    The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
    chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman
    dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
    apparently unaware that her dining companion had
    disappeared.

    After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over
    to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
    but I think your husband just slid under the table."

    The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "Nah, that
    was George.
    My husband just walked in the door at the front."
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    Registered User joed's Avatar
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    In order to do their 'fair share' to ease the rising cost of gasoline, the president and members of congress today signed a resolution to walk or bike to work rather than being driven in limos. The resolution is to take effect within the next couple of weeks...probably before thanksgiving...for sure by christmas...unless something urgent comes up. Because there wasn't enough time, they decided not to discuss eliminating the federal gasoline tax.

    On another note, the president & news media inside Air Force One, a rather large airplane, circled above the flood ravaged lands where the most recent hurricane left thousands stranded, and more thousands looting. He was filmed looking out a window & shaking his head. Although it was raining outside, he was wearing a suit & the plane appeared to be waterproof. Film at eleven.
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    Things to ponder

    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


    If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?


    Since bread is square, then why is most sandwich meat round?



    Why do you have to "put your two cents in.," but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?



    What disease did cured ham actually have?



    How is it that we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?



    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?



    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



    If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?



    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



    How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?



    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.



    If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?



    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?



    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"


    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


    When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?


    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?


    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


    If the professor on Gillian's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?


    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


    What do you call male ballerinas?


    Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?


    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?


    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


    Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?


    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
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    Going for strong and lean jtroster's Avatar
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    Why do you drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
    Joel

    “Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”

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  22. #142
    Registered User Be-Be's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jtroster
    Why do you drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
    They just designated an area near my house as a park. It's all overgrown, no trails, no equipment, no tables or benches, nothing. But it does have a nice, paved 10 car parking lot with 2 handicapped parking places. I guess it is literally a "park".
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    Talking

    Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world! and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. ! Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund --- but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing,", said Bush! . "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a wiener dog."
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    A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.
    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
    killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is
    awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.Chinese
    food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,
    and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
    germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is
    the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
    Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
    most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the
    front row raised his hand, and softly said,

    "Wedding Cake."
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    MD doogieh's Avatar
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    Love this thread!
    Leukemia survivor

    Stay strong and enjoy life. That is something everyone should do. -- rockhard1
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    A Few More :)

    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



    WOMEN'S REVENGE



    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman
    wished to
    purchase.

    As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
    television
    set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

    and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
    legally."

    UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

    (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

    pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

    and still be afraid of a spider.


    MARRIAGE SEMINAR

    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

    Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

    "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes
    and dislikes."
    He addressed the man,
    "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
    Pillsbury, isn't it?

    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

    She directs him down the correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
    balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some
    tampons for your wife?
    He answers, " You see, it's like this,

    yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of
    cigarettes,
    and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
    papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
    ( I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! )


    WIFE VS. HUSBAND
    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
    word.

    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

    neither of them wanted to concede their position.

    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

    the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."



    W O R D S

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
    a
    day...

    30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
    everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"



    CREATION
    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

    so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

    God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


    WHO DOES WHAT
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who
    should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,

    and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
    The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and

    you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for
    my
    coffee."
    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

    that the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

    and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed
    says.........."HEBREWS"



    The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
    each
    other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
    day,
    he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
    business flight.

    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
    wrote on a
    piece of paper,
    "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find
    it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
    and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
    see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of
    paper by
    the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



    God may have created man before woman,

    but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
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    Going for strong and lean jtroster's Avatar
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    Husband and Wift

    The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

    "Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

    "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around back there and we can do it again for old time's sake?"

    "Oh Buddy, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but I like the idea!"

    There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

    They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As he leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes.

    Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed.

    He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

    The Policeman, still watching thinks, "This was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is."

    As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

    The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!"
    Joel

    “Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”

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    The Way Children See Things

    NUDITY
    I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!

    HONESTY
    My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

    KETCHUP
    A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

    MORE NUDITY
    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

    ELDERLY
    While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

    DRESS-UP
    A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

    SCHOOL
    A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

    BIBLE
    A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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    Gertrude, Maude, and Audrey

    Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Audrey were sitting on a park bench having a conversation, when a flasher approached from across the park.

    The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and to their shock and dismay, opened his trench coat.

    Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

    Then Maude also had a stroke.

    But Audrey, being older and a bit more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
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    Raising Boys

    The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas...


    Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

    1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
    4
    inches deep.

    2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
    roller
    blades, they can ignite.

    3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
    restaurant.

    4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
    enough to rotate 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
    cape.
    It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on
    all
    four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

    5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
    using
    a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before
    you
    get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

    6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit
    by a
    ceiling fan.

    7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already
    too
    late

    8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

    9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
    36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies..

    10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
    old
    Boy.

    11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

    12.) Super glue is forever.

    13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
    can't
    walk on water.

    14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

    15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials
    show
    they do.

    16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

    17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

    18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

    19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
    like
    ovens.

    20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

    21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
    dizzy.

    22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

    23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

    24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
    fluid.
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