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  1. #91
    Geezer in Training Danimal's Avatar
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    A young cowboy walked into a seedy looking little cafe in a west Texas town. As he sat down at the counter he looked over at an old cowpoke that was sitting looking into his bowl of chili. After the old guy sat there for a few minutes without eating any the young cowboy asked him if he could have it. The old cowpoke pushed the bowl down the counter and said sure help yourself.
    The youngster dug in with vigor till he got down to the bottom of the bowl where he saw a dead mouse. Upon seeing the mouse he puked right back into the bowl.
    The old cowpoke looked over at the youngster and said, yep, that's as far as I got too.
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  2. #92
    Registered User RaSP's Avatar
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    A private investigator was hired by a San Diego bank to track a suspect in a recent robbery and recover the money. The investigator tracks the culprit over the border Mexico and apprehends him. Upon realizing that the suspect cannot speak English, he goes to the phone book and hires an interpreter.

    When the interpreter arrives be begins his interrogation. He repeatedly asks through the interpreter for the location of the stolen money, but gets nothing. Finally, out of frustration PI puts his revolver to the supects head and demands one last time, "Tell me where the money is or I'll shoot". The interpreter relays the question. To which the supect finally replies, "Senor, the money is hidden in the courtyard of the Plaza Hotel 12 paces due west from the fountain". The translator then relays to the investigator, "He says he is ready to die like a man."

    Hope that reads OK and nothing was lost in the translation.
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  3. #93
    Registered User SouthCaliDiva's Avatar
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  4. #94
    Registered User mom24boys's Avatar
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    Talking The Blimp (long but very funny story)

    The Horror of Blimps

    by Scylla

    Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.

    I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!

    Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.

    Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.

    We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.

    Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.

    It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.

    My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.

    Let's face it, blimps are fun.

    Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.

    At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.

    The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.

    Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.

    In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.

    I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.

    That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.

    I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.

    Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.

    So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.

    On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!

    Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to HOLY [censored]! FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.

    I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.

    When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.

    Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.

    I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living [censored] out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.

    It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.

    Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)

    Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.

    On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.

    Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.

    I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.

    ***

    At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.

    The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.

    This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.

    I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.

    Some blimps are better off dead.
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  5. #95
    Going for strong and lean jtroster's Avatar
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    The Rebbetzin and the Butcher

    In a small town in the Old Country, the Rabbi died. His widow, the Rebbetzin, was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

    The poor Rebbetzin was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she was lonely, so she agreed, and they were married.

    After the marriage, Friday came. She prepared to light the Sabbath candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, "My mother told me that before lighting the candles, it's a mitzvah (good deed) to have sex." So they did.

    She lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, "My father told me that after lighting the candles it's good to have sex." So they did.

    They went to bed after prayers to get ready for the Sabbath. When they awoke he said to her, "My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.

    After praying all morning, they came home to rest; and again he whispers in her ear, "My grandfather says after praying it's a mitzvah to have sex." So they did.

    On Sunday she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, "Nu, so how is the new husband?"

    She replied, "Well, he is no scholar; but he comes from a wonderful family."
    Joel

    “Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”

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  6. #96
    Registered User domineaux's Avatar
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    Talking Men in Coats

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  7. #97
    Registered User domineaux's Avatar
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    Talking Wanted for Hire a Lion Tamer

    A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

    One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a
    gorgeous, dark-skinned, brunette in her mid-twenties.The circus owner
    tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious
    lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're
    history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to
    try out first?"

    The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip
    and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
    snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she
    throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion
    stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts
    licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire
    body for several minutes, and then rests his head at her feet.

    The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
    display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and
    asks, "Can you top that?"

    The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
    Last edited by domineaux; 06-01-2005 at 05:10 PM.
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  8. #98
    Shut Up And Lift! jaguarr's Avatar
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    LOL! I enjoyed this one!

    jag
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  9. #99
    Shut Up And Lift! jaguarr's Avatar
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    A farmer ordered a high tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted is "manhood" into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line. "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."
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  10. #100
    Enormous Green Rage Mnstr GSCampbell's Avatar
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    Stop Me if You've Heard This One . .

    Not sure if this is already on the thread but . .

    Suburban America - two housewives daily drop off their husband's at the train into the city and then pick them up at the end of the day.

    One day the two are waiting on the platform when the train pulls in. Two gentelemen get off the train. One is carrying an enormous bouquet of red roses.

    One woman turns to the other and say, "Damn! Would you look at that! Now I'm going to spend the rest of the week on my back with my legs in the air!"

    Her friend looks puzzled, turns and says, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

    ~
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  11. #101
    Registered User mom24boys's Avatar
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    Talking Deer Tick Warning!!!

    hate it when people forward bogus warnings ... but this one is real, and it's important.

    If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

    IT IS A SCAM! They only want to see you naked.

    I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.


    BTW it took me 8 pages to find the joke thread *grin*
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  12. #102
    me > you kimsquit's Avatar
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    A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major big shots of Vancouver. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

    Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman without a bikini top strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

    They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment, a way down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and muggy that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out.

    At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of the apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all up and down the stairs.

    The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails now crawling all over the steps, looked at his wife and then back at the snails and yelled: "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
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  13. #103
    Registered User dahamn's Avatar
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    A bottle of Wine

    For all of you who are married, were married, wish
    you were married,or wish you weren't married, this is
    something to smile about the next time you open a
    bottle of wine:

    Sally was driving home from one of her business
    trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
    Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

    As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
    the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a
    ride. With a silent nod of thanks,the woman got into
    the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to
    make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The
    old woman just sat silently, looking intently at
    everything she saw, studying every little detail,
    until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
    Sally.
    "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked
    down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of
    wine. I got it for my husband."

    The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
    two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
    she said, "Good trade."


    Dave
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  14. #104
    Thee Alpha of Thee Alphaz GameDayDog's Avatar
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    Cool Supplies...!!!

    Hahaha.. now that one had me rollin'.. I'm gonna tell it to the band tonyght!!! ... The Deertick was funny too... hahaha...

    Love, Lust, and Marriage

    LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
    LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
    MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

    LOVE: When sex is called "making love".
    LUST: When sex is called "doing it".
    MARRIAGE: When you can't remember what you used to call it.

    LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
    LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
    MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

    LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
    LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
    MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

    LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have.
    LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
    MARRIAGE: When you argue about money.

    LOVE: When you have concern for your partner's feelings.
    LUST: When you have concern for your partner's test results.
    MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what's on TV.

    LOVE: When nobody else matters.
    LUST: When nobody else knows.
    MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

    LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner.
    LUST: When you like to see each other naked.
    MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake.

    LOVE: When you share everything you own.
    LUST: When you steal everything they own.
    MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

    LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
    LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
    MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to bitch.

    LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
    LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
    MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.

    LOVE: When your farewell is "I love you, darling."
    LUST: When your farewell is "Same time next week?"
    MARRIAGE: When your farewell is "Pick up some toilet paper."

    Peace..~G
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  15. #105
    Geaser by birth Growin Guns's Avatar
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    The impotance of a letter...

    A new young monk was assigned to an abbey where the main task was hand copying old manuscripts and dispursing them worldwide to the religous faithful. Upon entering the abbey and finding his workspace, the young monk noticed that the manuscript in front of him was not an original, but was indeed an old, old copy of the original. The young monk approached the Abbott with his concerns on this issue - "Abbott" said the young monk, "would it not be wise to make each new manuscript an exact copy from the original? If one mistake has been made in the original copy, the error would be spread around the world and perpetuated indefinitely." The old Abbott thought for a moment and said "My son, I see that you bring up a good point, but I must tell you that the original copies we make our manuscripts from have been in use for hundreds of years. I seriously doubt that an error would have gone unnoticed for that amount of time. But still you have a valid point and I will check the original personally." With that the old Abbott went down into the bowels of the abbey into the locked and secretive vault where the original was kept. A few hours pass and the young monk begins to be concerned as the Abbott has not returned yet. He creeps down the stairs towards the vault and hears horrible moans and thudding noises. As he enters the vault he sees the old Abbott standing in a corner, the original manuscript flung to the floor. The old Abbott is banging his head into the hard stone wall and all the time repeating "They forgot the R, how could they miss the R?" The young monk rushed to his side and asked what was going on, to that the old Abott turned and said, "the word was supposed to be celebRate!"
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  16. #106
    still rollin samori's Avatar
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    An older, white haired man walked into a ********* store one Friday evening with a stunning young girl at his side. He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
    The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
    The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it"
    The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by cheque " I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

    Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

    "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!"
    MILITARY RETIRED

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  17. #107
    Liar 1stindoor's Avatar
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    Now that was funny!
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  18. #108
    BE GONE FAT ABS!!!! fitbyfifty's Avatar
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    These jokes are FUNNY!!

    OK, here one for the guys! I guess for the girls too!!

    Unzipping
    In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus.
    Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

    So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

    Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step.

    So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

    So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

    About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"

    At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."


    I just found it,and thought it was pretty funny!
    Brenda
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  19. #109
    Registered User RaSP's Avatar
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    There were two nuns..
    One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

    It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

    SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

    SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

    SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

    SM: It's not working.

    SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

    SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

    SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

    So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


    Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

    Then Sister Logical arrives.

    SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

    SL : The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

    SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

    SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

    SM : And?

    SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

    SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

    SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

    SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

    SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

    SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

    SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

    And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

    Say two Hail Marys!
    Dumb Animal

    Imrpoving my Power to Weight Ratio
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  20. #110
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking How to get the FBI to dig potatoes

    An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato
    garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son
    Fred, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
    his son and described his predicament.

    Dear Fred,
    I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant
    my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
    garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you
    would dig the plot for me.
    - Love Dad

    A few days later he received a letter from his son.

    Dear Dad,
    For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the
    BODIES.
    - Love Fred

    At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
    the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
    man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his
    son.

    Dear Dad,
    Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under
    the circumstances.
    - Love Fred
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  21. #111
    BE GONE FAT ABS!!!! fitbyfifty's Avatar
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    Those were both funny!!!!
    By the way RaSP, All I can say is that I had to say two Hail Mary's.
    Darn the way the mind works!!
    Brenda
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  22. #112
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking Tonto and The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
    their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later,
    Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what
    you see?"

    The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

    "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
    speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
    billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
    Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
    morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
    small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
    beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

    Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than
    buffalo ****. Someone has stolen tent."
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  23. #113
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking Chicken Sandwiches

    A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became
    friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They
    discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This
    went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
    noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how
    come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I
    love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to
    her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down
    there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He
    looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more
    chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought
    peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating
    chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!" She
    asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said
    "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the
    gizzards!!
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    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking

    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
    The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries
    and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
    "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
    $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
    exact change for payment.
    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
    hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the
    same."
    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
    This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
    "The usual?" asks the waitress.
    "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
    salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
    "That will be $32.62."
    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
    places
    it on the table.
    The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
    "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
    change out of your pocket every time?"
    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
    found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me
    two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
    anything,
    I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
    would always be there."
    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress.. "Most people would wish for a
    million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
    want
    for as long as you live!"
    "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
    exact money is always there," says the man.
    The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
    The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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  25. #115
    Registered User mom24boys's Avatar
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    Eight Words With Two Meanings

    THINGY (thing-ee) n
    Female - Any part under a car's hood.
    Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

    VULNERABLE (ul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
    Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
    Male - Playing football without a cup.

    COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
    Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
    Male - Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

    COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
    Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
    Male - Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

    ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
    Female - A good movie, concert, play or book.
    Male - Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

    FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
    Female - An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
    Male - A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

    MAKING LOVE (may-king-luv) n.
    Female - The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
    Male - Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

    REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht-kon-trol) n.
    Female - A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
    Male - A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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  26. #116
    Shut Up And Lift! jaguarr's Avatar
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    Cool Slightly Off Color

    Disclaimer: This is an X-rated joke. If you are easily offended, please do not read it:
















































    Yeah, I didn't think you'd leave. Here it is:

    Q: When is an elf not an elf?

    A: When he's got his tongue up a faerie's coochie, then he's a goblin!

    Bwah!



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    Bite into the apple of discord and let it nourish away your complacency.
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    Why

    Why???

    Why Do We Press Harder On A Remote Control When We Know The Batteries Are Getting Weak?

    Why Do Banks Charge A Fee On "insufficient Funds" When They Know There Is Not Enough?

    Why Does Someone Believe You When You Say There Are Four Billion Stars, But Check When You Say The Paint Is Wet?

    Why Doesn't Glue Stick To The Bottle?
    Why Do They Use Sterilized Needles For Death By Lethal Injection?

    Why Doesn't Tarzan Have A Beard?
    Why Does Superman Stop Bullets With His Chest, But Ducks When You Throw A Revolver At Him?

    Why Do Kamikaze Pilots Wear Helmets?

    Whose Idea Was It To Put An "s" In The Word "lisp"?

    If People Evolved From Apes, Why Are There Still Apes?

    Why Is It That No Matter What Color Bubble Bath You Use The Bubbles Are Always White?

    Is There Ever A Day That Mattresses Are Not On Sale?

    Why Do People Constantly Return To The Refrigerator With Hopes That Something New To Eat Will Have Materialized?

    Why Do People Keep Running Over A String A Dozen Times With Their Vacuum Cleaner, Then Reach Down, Pick It Up, Examine It, Then Put It Down To Give The Vacuum One More Chance?

    Why Is It That No Plastic Bag Will Open From The End You First Try?

    How Do Those Dead Bugs Get Into Those Enclosed Light Fixtures?

    When We Are In The Supermarket And Someone Rams Our Ankle With A Shopping Cart Then Apologizes For Doing So, Why Do We Say, "it's All Right?" Well, It Isn't All Right So Why Don't We Say, "that Hurt, You Stupid Idiot?"

    Why Is It That Whenever You Attempt To Catch Something That's Falling Off The Table You Always Manage To Knock Something Else Over?

    In Winter Why Do We Try To Keep The House As Warm As It Was In Summer When We Complained About The Heat?

    How Come You Never Hear Father-in-law Jokes?

    If At First You Don't Succeed, Shouldn't You Try Doing It Like Your Wife Told You To Do It?

    And Obviously If At First You Don't Succeed, Then Don't Take Up Sky Diving!

    And......
    The Statistics On Sanity Are That One Out Of Every Four Persons Is Suffering From Some Sort Of Mental Illness. Think Of Your Three Best Friends, If They're Okay, Then It's You
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  28. #118
    Registered User harleygirl's Avatar
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    Subject: Hilarious

    All methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal.

    The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home fix dinner, played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet. So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom.

    It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you Just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean I'm no girly, girl but I am mechanically inclined enough I can figure it out.

    YA THINK!!!

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my ass (Oh how this phrase haunts me!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. OK so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

    Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extrodinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure I apply the was strip across the right side of bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my ass cheek (Yes, it was a long strip).

    I inhale deeply and brace myself. RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

    I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. ****!!! Another deep breath and
    RRIIPP. Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums???
    OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - my wax covered pelt that
    has caused me so much pain. I want to revel in the glory that is my
    triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip but there is no hair on it. Where is
    the wax??? Slowly I eased my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
    I see the hair..The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching
    wax.

    ****!! I peel my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body that is now
    covered in cold wax and matted hair and then make the next big mistake -remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet.

    I know I need to move to do something. So I put my foot down and then I hear the slamming of the cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut. Ass ?? Sealed
    shut. I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
    think to myself "I hope I dont get the urge to ****. My head may pop off.

    Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off right???

    WRONG

    I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

    Now the only thing worse that having your bussiness glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot
    water. Which by the way doesnt melt the cold wax.

    So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!! I call my friend thinking surely shes waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. Its a very good conversation starter "So,my ass and cooch are stuck to the bottom of the tub!"

    She doesnt have a secret trick but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where is the wax on the ass "Are we talking
    cheeks or hole or what?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

    I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the
    box YEAH Right!! I could be the joke of some one elses night. While we go through various solutions. I result in scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!

    I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT works!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So I shaved the **** off. Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicine cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday..

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......
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  29. #119
    Registered User harleygirl's Avatar
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  30. #120
    the Epicurean bodybuilder A.FreeRadical's Avatar
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    A.FreeRadical is offline
    Originally Posted by harleygirl
    I then find the most beautiful saving grace.... that is the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. I rub some and scream "IT works!! It works!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my dismay...The hair is still there...all of it. So I shaved the **** off. Hell, I'm numb at this point. Then I put the wax back in the medicine cabinet, I may have a mustache that needs work someday..

    Next week I'm going to try hair color......
    harleygirl,

    hahahaha, ROFLMAO! Sorry, you had to go through that, but it was worth the telling. A funny story, well told. ( )

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    aA.FreeRadical a
    Jun. 2004
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    Neck 17" Shoulders 50" Biceps 16" Chest 44" Waist 34" Hips 38" Thighs 23"..... 5' 9" tall 189 lbs 19% bf
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