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  1. #61
    UP THE IRONS!! Tim_G's Avatar
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    How do you piss off a female archeologist?






    -give her a used tampon and ask her what period its from....
    DIE WITH YOUR BOOTS ON!!
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  2. #62
    High Plains Lifter Mark1T's Avatar
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    Golf...

    A guy receives an ad in the mail to a golfing resort where everything costs a dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for the weekend for some fun in the sun. He arrives and plays a round of golf. It costs him a buck.

    That evening he has dinner and it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day. The day before he checks out, on his way to play his last round of golf, he stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of golf balls to his room.

    The next morning at checkout, he sees his bill is $904 - Round of Golf - $1.00. Dinner - $1.00. Room - $1.00. Round of Golf - $1.00. Sleeve of Golf Balls - $900.

    He calls over the manager and says, "What is this crap all about, everything was suppose to cost a dollar and you charged me $900 for golf balls!"

    The manager replied, "I'm sorry sir but you must not have read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That is what our golf balls cost."

    The guy replies, "At that price I would have been better off staying across the street at the luxary hotel - at least I would have known what I was paying for."

    The manager replied, "Yes sir, you could have, but over there they get you by the room and over here we get you by the balls."
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  3. #63
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking 2 Trees

    Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
    tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is
    that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

    The birch says he cannot tell.


    Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
    "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
    beech or a son of a birch?"

    The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
    neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best
    piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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  4. #64
    Registered User joed's Avatar
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    Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.


    There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.


    Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
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  5. #65
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking Little Johnnie

    A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
    9-year old son, Johnny, comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
    bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

    She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that Johnny is in there
    already.

    Johnny says, "Dark in here."

    The man says, "Yes, it is."

    Johnny - "I have a baseball."

    Man - "That's nice."

    Johnny - "Want to buy it?"

    Man - "No, thanks."

    Johnny - "My dad's outside."

    Man - "OK, how much?"

    Johnny - "$150"

    Man - "Sold."

    In the next few weeks, it happens again that Johnny and the lover are in the
    closet together.

    Johnny - "Dark in here."

    Man - "Yes, it is."

    Johnny - "I have a Wilson fielders glove."

    The lover, remembering the last time, asks Johnny, "How much?"

    Johnny - "$350"

    Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

    A few days later, the father says to Johnny, "Grab your gloves, let's go
    outside and have a game of catch.

    Johnny says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my gloves."

    The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

    Johnny -"$500"

    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
    that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
    church and make you confess your greed."

    They go to the church and the father makes Johnny sit in the confession
    booth and he closes the door.

    Johnny says, "Dark in here."

    The priest says, "Don't start that again, you're in my closet now"
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  6. #66
    Registered User domineaux's Avatar
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    Cool

    Instructions on how to handle your wife

    It is important for men to remember that as women start getting older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman.

    Let me relate how I handled the situation with my
    wife. When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early
    retirement" in April, it became necessary for her to get a full-time
    job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

    Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show
    her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time
    she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she
    almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she
    starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her
    time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally
    have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not
    reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that
    door...

    She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now,
    it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
    dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
    each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates
    this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
    to bed.

    I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider
    telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

    Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more
    quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says
    she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big
    issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm
    willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something
    ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or
    Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or
    something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to
    do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those
    odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.

    The other day I had a really good round on the course but it was wet
    and muddy so my clubs were a mess, so I let her clean them, you
    know.....get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the
    club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of
    the trunk for her. Women are delicate, have weak wrists and can't lift
    heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be
    wakened during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can
    put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she
    will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly
    bills during her lunch hour. We take'em for better or worse,
    so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
    over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.

    I also remind her that missing a lunch completely now and then
    wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact
    is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest
    periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished
    mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene.

    I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of
    freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as
    she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too,
    then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until
    I fall asleep.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm
    not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
    find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better
    than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.

    However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less
    criticism of your wife because of this article, I will consider
    that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this
    earth to help each other...
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  7. #67
    Bleeds Silver & Black r8rrob's Avatar
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    Widdle Wabbits

    A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

    As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

    She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
    I'm sore!
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  8. #68
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking Government job

    A guy goes to the U. S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks
    him,
    "Have you been in the service?"
    "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
    The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."
    The interviewer then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
    The guy says, "Yes 100%... a mortar round exploded near me and blew my
    testicles off."
    The interviewer tells the guy, "O. K. I can hire you right now. The hours
    are from
    8:00 A. M. to 4:00 P. M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 am."
    The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM,
    then why do you want me to come in at 10:00?"
    "This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours
    we sit around
    scratching our balls....... there's no point in you coming in for that
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  9. #69
    Registered User domineaux's Avatar
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    Cool

    Originally Posted by Angry Mike
    Both. Joke and Story!
    Toooo funny, but what guy in his right mind could ever get that far with the game?

    Shoot...most of us would have given up long before the tennis bracelet. LOL
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  10. #70
    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking The meaning of life

    On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

    The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

    On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

    The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

    On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

    The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.

    On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

    Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."



    So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you.
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  11. #71
    Registered User CURB-DOG's Avatar
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    Betty is taking a shower when her doorbell rings. She quickly jumps out of the shower, throws on a robe and runs to the door. She see's that it is her husbands friend Steve so she invites him in. Steve asks her if her husband is home from work yet and she says no. He is about to leave but he can't get over how sexy she looks still wet in her robe. He says to her "Betty you look so attractive right now. I'll pay you $500 if you open your robe a little and show me one of your breasts." She knows that Steve is harmless and wouldn't mind a little extra cash so she does it and he pays her. Then he says "I'll tell you what. I'll give you another $500 if you pull that robe down to your waist and show me both of your breasts." She is a little hesitant but then starts thinking of all the things she could buy with it. So she shows him both her breasts and he pays her and leaves.
    Later that evening her husband gets home. Shortly after he comes through the door he says "Honey, did Steve stop by today and drop off that $1000 he owes me?"
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  12. #72
    Registered User joed's Avatar
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    I owe it to my mother!

    1. My mother taught me logic. "Because I said so, that's why."

    2. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning the floor."

    3. She taught me religion. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    4. She taught me about time travel. "If you don't quit it, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

    5. She taught me irony. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

    6. She taught me about stamina. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    7. She taught me about the science of osmosis. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    8. She taught me about contortionism. "Look at that dirt on the back of your neck."

    9. She taught me about the circle of life. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

    10. She taught me about having fun with adults. "If you don't listen to me, we're going to be knocking over tables & chairs and rolling around on the floor."

    11. She taught me about envy. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    12. Mom taught me about anticipation. "Just wait until we get home."

    13. She taught me about receiving. "You're going to get it when your dad gets home."

    14. She taught me medical science. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

    15. She taught me about humor. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    16. Mum taught me how to become an adult. "If you don't eat your veggies you'll never grow up."

    17. She taught me about my roots. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    18. And my favorite: my mother taught me about justice. "One day you'll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you."
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    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking

    One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middleof catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a pe
    anut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

    As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
    The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

    Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"
    The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."
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    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking

    A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
    “As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins.
    “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
    The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s butt, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
    “Now do the same,” he instructs.
    The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
    When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”
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    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking

    A man goes in for an operation to get his penis enlarged. During the operation the doctor sews a baby elephant's trunk onto the end of his penis. Two weeks later he is sitting at a bar with this beautiful woman when his dick leaps out of his pants, snatches a roll from the table and disappears back into the man's pants. "Wow!" says the woman, "Can you do that again?" "Not for about an hour" he replies, "I don't think my ass can handle another hard roll."
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    Talking

    A female officer pulled over someone who was obviously a drunk driver.

    The officer says: ''You are under arrest, anything you say can and will be held against you.''

    The drunk driver stutters and cies out: ''Boobs!''
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    Registered User domineaux's Avatar
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    Smile What to get mama for Mother's Day

    Four brothers left home for college and they became successful lawyers and doctors. Some years later, they chatted after having a family dinner together. They discussed gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

    The first said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver a SL600 to her".

    The second said, "I had a big house built for mama".

    The third said,"I had a hundred thousand dollar home theatre built in the house".

    The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading her Bible and you know how hard it is for her to read, since she can't see as well. I met this preacher that told me about a Parrot that could recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach the Parrot. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the Parrot will recite it.

    Wow! all the brothers were impressed.

    After the holidays, Mama sent out her thank you notes to her boys.

    She wrote:

    Frank, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anway.

    Steve, I am to old to travel and have difficulty seeing, so I stay home. I have my groceries delivered, so I never get to drive the beautiful car. The thought was very good.

    Albert, You gave me an expensive home theatre with all that great sound and screen. The theatre can hold fify people, but I'm sad to say most of my friends are dead. I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind so I never use it. Thank you for the jesture just the same.

    Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give such a thoughtful gift. The chicken was delicious, Thank you.
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    Talking Two girls for lunch

    Two sweet little ole ladies were having lunch at the tea room.

    Emma looked at Mabel and said, "Mabel did you know you have a suppository in your ear?"

    Mabel reached up and removed the suppository from her ear. Mabel looked at it and exclaimed, "Whew! I know where I put my hearing aid."
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    A horse walks into a bar, clops over and sits down a stool, frowns and orders a beer. The bartender says "Hey, buddy...why the long face?"



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    Cool Couple having marital problems goes on cruise

    The couple had been having troubles in their marriage for several years.

    They agreed to go on a cruise to the Bahamas and maybe they could re-kindle their dying marriage.

    The wife and husband were out on deck enjoying the moonlight when she slipped and fell overboard.

    The ship turned around and looked and looked, but they couldn't find her.

    After the search boats arrived the Captain of the cruise ship went on to port, but he told the husband the search crews would contact him as soon as the found or learned anything.

    After about three days the husband got a call. The search crews had found the wife floating at sea, dead of course. The search captain said the husband was very fortunate, there was a large oyster that had clamped onto the wifes skirt and inside the oyster there was a black pearl worth about $50,000. The search captain asked where to send the pearl and what he should do with the body. The husband replied...send the pearl to me and throw the bait back in.

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    Shut Up And Lift! jaguarr's Avatar
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    A bear walks into a bar, walks up to where the bartender is wiping down some glasses and says "I'll have a................................................. .............................beer." The bar tender looks at the bear quizzically and says "Hey, buddy, why the big pause?"



    (Read it out loud if it doesn't make sense at first)

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  22. #82
    Going for strong and lean jtroster's Avatar
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    A Letter To The Pets

    Dear Dogs and Cats,
    When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

    The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.

    My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

    For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

    The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you, I have posted the following message on our front door.

    Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

    1. They live here. You don't.

    2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

    3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

    4. To you it's an animal. To me he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

    5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, and are easier to train. They usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a zillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

    Sincerely,
    A Pet Owner
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    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking The hardest thing in the world!

    Do you know what the hardest thing in the world is?




























    Trying to put it in soft !
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    heres a clean and quick one...

    what do u call a fake noodle ?



    impasta LOLOLOL






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    Damn greens are like kryptonite this year !!!!
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    Moderately neato GREENFEATHER's Avatar
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    Talking NFL Announcement

    The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the National Football League. Therefore, they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team to help save jobs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.
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    Talking Chicken sandwiches

    Don't eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what..... A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their
    lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
    This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it.""Why?" he asked.
    She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'mstarting to grow little
    feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up
    her skirt. He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any
    more chicken. He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one
    day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
    She asked if she could look, so he pulled down
    his pants for her. She said
    "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards!!
    Last edited by GREENFEATHER; 05-11-2005 at 02:23 PM.
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    Registered User RaSP's Avatar
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    I've seen many of these before (and at least a few are false urban legend), but I think they're good for a chuckle anyway:

    1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

    3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.

    (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
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    me > you kimsquit's Avatar
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    After a hard day at the office and a fight with his wife, a guy walks into a local bar to drown his sorrows.

    Looking around the dimly lit bar, he sees the bartender's rotweiller curled up over in the corner, happily licking his doggy testicles. He says to the bartender, "Boy, I sure wish I could do that" and the bartender says "well, you might want to try pettin' him first..."
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    Talking

    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
    She immediately moved to another seat.
    This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
    When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
    The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
    She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
    Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
    Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
    BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
    "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."
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  30. #90
    Utah...but I'm taller batteryrequired's Avatar
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    An Italian, a Scotsman & a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.
    The foreman
    points out a huge pile of sand & says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge
    of sweeping."

    To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
    And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
    He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to
    make a dent
    in that there pile."

    So the foreman goes away for a couple hours & when he returns, the pile of
    sand is
    untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

    The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chineeesa fella
    that he a wasa
    ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared & I no coulda finda him
    nowhere."

    Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman & says,"And you, I thought I told you
    to shovel
    this pile."

    The Scotsman replies, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah could nay get meself a
    shoovel! Ye left
    th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah could nay fin' him
    either."

    The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand to
    look for the
    Chinese guy ... Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of
    sand & yells
    . . . . . . "SUPPLIES!!!!!!"
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