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  1. #31
    Bleeds Silver & Black r8rrob's Avatar
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    Texas baby

    A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar.

    He announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds.

    But the Texan just shrugs and says, "That's about average down home, folks."

    "Like I said, My boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

    Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains.

    Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you?

    "Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So .... how much does he weigh now?"

    The proud father answers, "17 pounds! "

    The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."

    The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

    "Had him circumcised."
    I'm sore!
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  2. #32
    Bleeds Silver & Black r8rrob's Avatar
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    Inner Peace

    I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and
    we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple
    advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

    Dr. Phil proclaimed "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all
    the things you've started." So I looked around my house to see all the
    things I started and hadn't finished. Then, before leaving the house
    this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White
    Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of
    Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of
    the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.


    You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
    I'm sore!
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  3. #33
    Bleeds Silver & Black r8rrob's Avatar
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    State Mottos

    Know Your State Motto

    Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Arizona: No, You’re Looking for Hell. It’s Two Doors Down
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Connecticut: Kinda Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Delaware: The Chemicals aren’t THAT Bad In Our Water
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids…We’d Like to Remember Them
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes...NOT!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Kansas: Experience Sterling and Discover Kansas
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Kentucky: Five Million People And Only Fifteen Last Names
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Louisiana: That Drunk Cajun Wackos Thing Is Just Our Tourism Campaign
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Nebraska: Warren Buffet Sleeps Here
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    New Hampshire: Cover Us Every Four Years…Now Go Away!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Oklahoma: Loved The Musical…But It Don’t Sound Like Me!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Oregon: Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    South Carolina: We Nevah Surrendahed, Sir!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Tennessee: The Educashun State
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Vermont: Yep
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Virginia: Where Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Mix It Up!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Washington: Where Nerds Run Free and Caffeinated!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...Really!
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Wyoming: Dick Cheney’s Not Home
    I'm sore!
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  4. #34
    High Plains Lifter Mark1T's Avatar
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    LOL, Rob!!
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  5. #35
    Bleeds Silver & Black r8rrob's Avatar
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    EXTREME Redneck

    You're An EXTREME Redneck When.....

    1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

    2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

    3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

    4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

    5. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

    6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

    7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

    8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

    9. Your junior prom offered day care.

    10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

    11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

    12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

    13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

    14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

    15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

    16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

    17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
    I'm sore!
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  6. #36
    man of hats hatman's Avatar
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    old folk humor

    1. A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"


    2. An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

    The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


    3. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says... Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you' re about my age. How do you feel?"

    Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

    "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

    4. Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

    5. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

    The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

    The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

    "Do you mean a rose?"

    "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
    "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

    There are tons of ideas being discussed on bb.com. Thanks for the help!!

    hours in a week... 168
    8 hrs sleep each night... 56
    hrs of work per week... 50
    hrs in the gym per week... 10
    hrs for everything else... 52

    Getting back in the gym after a year off...

    PRICELESS!
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  7. #37
    Going for strong and lean jtroster's Avatar
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    Then there was the midget psychic who escaped from jail.

    A small medium at large.
    Joel

    “Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop.”

    My 2014 Journal: http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=159562211
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  8. #38
    Bleeds Silver & Black r8rrob's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jtroster
    Then there was the midget psychic who escaped from jail.

    A small medium at large.
    Good one!
    I'm sore!
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  9. #39
    I'm not that bright phikappa's Avatar
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    Husband of the year award winners.

    ...
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    Jon Cole's Gym: '79 - '85
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  10. #40
    Thee Alpha of Thee Alphaz GameDayDog's Avatar
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    Cool My Jokes Suck...

    It's true.. my jokes suck.. but I found one from tonyfollari.com and wanted to share it ... just so thys thread doesn't die...

    Gym Robbery

    Gold's Gym was robbed last week, that's the last time they recommend free weights.

    and here are some photos from muscleheadz.com, I thought they were funny.

    Peace.
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    I am the Alpha ... RaSP is the oMEGA ... Between the 2 of us - We have everythyng covered...

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  11. #41
    Registered User Most Muscular's Avatar
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    In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
    Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
    vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy
    lives.

    Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
    Krispy Crème Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with
    that" And Man said, "Yes" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at
    it, add some sprinkles" And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

    And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
    Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
    sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size
    14.

    So God said, "Try my fresh green salad" And Satan presented
    Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.
    And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

    God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
    in which to cook them" And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
    chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more
    weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

    God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food
    Cake"
    and said, "It is good" Satan then created chocolate cake and named it
    "Devil's Food"

    God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
    extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would
    not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
    before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

    Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
    nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
    center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

    God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
    satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
    cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that"; And Man
    replied, "Yes! And super size them"

    And Satan said, "It is good" And Man went into cardiac arrest.
    God sighed
    and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.

    Thought for the day ....... There is more money being spent on breast
    implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by
    2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
    erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

    Not saying you all are old, but I wanted to share this with you anyways
    Holder of 4 National NPC Weight Class Titles in 4 different weight classes... all with perfect scores
    1998 NPC USA Bantamweight
    2003 NPC Masters National Lightweight (over 40)
    2006 NPC Masters National Welterweight (over 40)
    2006 NPC Masters National Middleweight (over 50)
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  12. #42
    Liar 1stindoor's Avatar
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    A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

    "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

    She takes her finger, pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She then pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams.

    Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

    The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

    "No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

    "I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
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  13. #43
    Bleeds Silver & Black r8rrob's Avatar
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    LOL, Most Muscular! But I really thought Krispy Kreme's were sent from heaven. Now I know the truth!
    I'm sore!
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  14. #44
    Registered User Sam_I_Am's Avatar
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    One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a
    house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yep," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's your story?"

    The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young
    and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift,
    and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in
    rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
    be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years
    running.

    "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
    younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the
    airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near
    suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible
    dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.

    "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
    the dog.

    "Ten dollars."

    The guy is dumbfounded. "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you
    selling him so cheap?"

    "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****."
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  15. #45
    Thee Alpha of Thee Alphaz GameDayDog's Avatar
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    Cool hahahaha....

    Originally Posted by Sam_I_Am
    "He's a liar. He didn't do any of that ****."
    Man.. if it wasn't 1:35 am here... I'd call people to tell 'em that one.. hahaha... probably extra funny because of the time I spent in Texas... That's funny.. Great Post. Whew..

    ~G
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  16. #46
    Bleeds Silver & Black r8rrob's Avatar
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    Difficult Things to Say

    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
    * Indubitably
    * Preliminary
    * Proliferation

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
    * Specificity
    * Antidisestablishmentarianism
    * Loquacious
    * Transubstantiate

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
    * Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
    * Nope, no more booze for me
    * Sorry, but you're not really my type
    * Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
    I'm sore!
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    Registered User joed's Avatar
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    Everyone has seen TV shows like "Sex in the city" where women are pals, support each other during times of difficulty, and generally laugh a lot together. Men have to be the writers of these shows because in real life these things almost never happen.

    Here's a scene from real life: four attractive women are having lunch when one excuses herself to go to the bathroom. After she's gone one of the others says "What has the bitch done to her hair?".
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    A couple of things you'll never hear a man say when watching TV with his woman:

    Here honey, you take the remote.

    I'm glad there aren't any hockey games on this year.

    I really enjoy watching reruns of "My fair lady".

    No thanks, I don't want any beer or snacks tonight.

    You sit in the comfortable recliner babe.

    You sit & watch, I'll go to get it.

    This isn't what I'd call spending quality time together.

    I don't want to watch the rest of this. I'll go to bed & warm up your side.
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  19. #49
    Registered User Cajunmuscle's Avatar
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    Cajun Labor

    Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.

    When asked his occupation, Boudreaux answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties." The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

    Thibodeaux was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week.

    When Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

    "What skill?" yelled Boudreaux. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, dese 'il fit 'er."
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    Cajun Babies

    " Poor Ole Boudreaux " Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy.

    The doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey Boudreaux! You just had you a son!" Ain't dat grand!!

    Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl.

    He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter!" She a pretty lil tang, too.

    Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!

    When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

    She said, "Yeah, I do."

    Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good tang we didn't use no WD-40!
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  21. #51
    Registered User Cajunmuscle's Avatar
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    Coach Boudreaux Ok, this is the last one, for now.

    The coaches from St. Landry Louisiana parish went to a coaches retreat and to save money, they had to room two to a room. No one wanted to room with Coach Boudreaux because he snored. They decided to be fair, they'd take turns so each of them only had to share a room with him one night.

    Coach Fontenot shared a room with him the first night. The next morning he goes to breakfast with his hair a mess, eyes all blood shot. The other two ask, "Man, was it that bad?" He say, "Man, that Boudreaux snore so loud, I watched him all night."

    The next night was Guidry's turn. In the morning, the same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood shot. They say, "Man, it must have been bad, you look awful!" He said, "Man, that Boudreaux shook the roof. I watched him all night."

    The third night was Coach Doucet's turn. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. He said, "Good morning."

    Fontenot and Guidry can't believe it, "Man, what happened?"

    "Well, we got ready for bed, I went over, tucked Boudreaux into bed and kissed him good night. He watched me all night long."
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  22. #52
    Registered User ciminok's Avatar
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    What should you do if you see your husband stumbling around the front yard?


    Shoot him again!
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  23. #53
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    The Mongolian Death Grip!

    The Russian wrestling team came to America looking to win every match to be played. The largest Russian on the team, a real heavy weight known for creaming all his opponents, had a move called The Mongolian Death-grip. When it was the heavy-weight American’s turn to take on this huge Russian Bear, the coach told him to be careful, and “Whatever happens, don’t let him get you in the Mongolian Death-grip!”

    The referee gets the 2 warriors together, bang goes the bell and in less than 30 seconds the American is wrapped into a pretzel, victim of the Mongolian Death-grip. The coach is tremendously disappointed, turns away from the match shaking his head. He knows the poor American is a goner. All of a sudden, the crowd erupts with cheers and applause. The coach turns around and can’t believe his eyes! The American has pinned the Russian and 1, 2, 3 he wins the match! As the American approaches the coach, the coach screams, “Oh my God, how did you get out of the Mongolian Death-grip? No one has every gotten out of that hold before.” The wrestler replies, “Well coach, you see, there I was, all twisted up like a pretzel. I was really hurting, it was tough to breathe and I knew I wasn’t going to last much longer. I looked up and there they were, the biggest set of testicles you have ever seen, only inches away from my mouth. Figuring I had nothing to loose, I just reached up and bit down as hard as I could!”

    The coach replies, and THAT is how you overpowered the Russian huh? “Yep replied the wrestler. You’d be amazed how much strength you can generate when you bite your own nuts!”
    The Socialist Party candidate for President of the US, Norman Thomas, said this in a 1944 speech: "The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism. But, under the name of "liberalism," they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program, until one day America will be a socialist nation, without knowing how it happened."
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    Originally Posted by Mark1T
    Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries?
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the dining room table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

    The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 18?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

    "Yes, I do" she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your mother caught us behind the couch making love?"

    "Yes, I remember." says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when she shoved a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

    "I remember that too." she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."


    Bro...you're killing me over here!!! ROTFLMFAO!!!! Rep for ya!!!
    The Socialist Party candidate for President of the US, Norman Thomas, said this in a 1944 speech: "The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism. But, under the name of "liberalism," they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program, until one day America will be a socialist nation, without knowing how it happened."
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  25. #55
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    Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda says "Where in the hell have you been?"

    He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

    A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

    "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

    "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

    "Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
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  26. #56
    Registered User joed's Avatar
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    Cool

    If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.

    A mom went for a walk & her kids asked how long she'd be gone. She said "The whole time."

    Indecision is the key to flexibility.

    And finally, always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
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  27. #57
    man of hats hatman's Avatar
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    Notice

    A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

    So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U...
    "Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people."

    There are tons of ideas being discussed on bb.com. Thanks for the help!!

    hours in a week... 168
    8 hrs sleep each night... 56
    hrs of work per week... 50
    hrs in the gym per week... 10
    hrs for everything else... 52

    Getting back in the gym after a year off...

    PRICELESS!
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  28. #58
    Registered User Angry Mike's Avatar
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    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
    much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
    never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
    bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
    like it, I just want you to hold me."

    I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
    "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
    to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
    by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
    the bedroom?"

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
    her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
    unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
    several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
    take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
    compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
    went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
    earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
    one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because

    she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
    tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
    She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
    Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
    dear, let's go to the cashier."

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
    like it."

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
    “WHAT?"

    I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
    just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
    your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
    was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
    not for the things I buy you?"






    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
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  29. #59
    the Epicurean bodybuilder A.FreeRadical's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Angry Mike
    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
    Welcome to the club. Good joke err ahhh story err....

    Aint it the truth?

    *

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  30. #60
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    Both. Joke and Story!
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