O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[mtpockets]

[steffo99]

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

lol, how many can relate to this?







Meanwhile in Britain..




I S O L A T E !

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

April Fools Day today, who's going to get
their kids ready for school?

[mtpockets]

April Fools Day today, who's going to get
their kids ready for school?

hahaha Lou1se!!

My favorite April fools trick was to set all the clocks ahead a couple of hours, the missus would get up, head to the shower, she was usually all shined up before realizing she was up a couple of hours early. Smart phones ruined that one though..

Happy March 32nd everyone

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

/\ lol and I can imagine u doing that one, doubt your wife would fall for it though.




I sneezed in front of my computer and the Anti-virus
started a scan on its own

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Miracle Dumbbell Found In Proper Place
On Rack

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




Wife In Race Against Time To Locate And
Destroy Guitar



BALTIMORE—A WOMAN is desperately searching the house to find her
husband’s acoustic guitar and destroy it before he remembers it exists.

Clare Logan awoke in a cold sweat when it came to her in the night that the
guitar was still in the house and in serious danger of being played within the
next 48 hours.

She said: “The stakes could not be higher. This trip up the attic is basically
an Indiana Jones film.

“I’ve already been through the garage and under the stairs, ransacking like
a lunatic, knowing that if I don’t find it before Tom does we could be
subjected to an inhuman ordeal lasting days.

“If I come down empty-handed there’s every chance the next time I enter
the living room I’ll find Tom playing Wonderwall with a self-satisfied look. He
only knows three chords, but that leaves us vulnerable to butchered
versions of every pop song in history.

“The only choice is to find the guitar and obliterate it quickly and violently.
Oh God, what if he livestreams?”

Tom Logan said: “You know what? Maybe I’ll dust off the old acoustic and
entertain the old-fashioned way tonight. Once Clare’s stopped breaking
whatever she’s breaking upstairs.”







Disney Shelves Heartwarming Movie
About Sick Pangolin Being Cared For By
His Bat Friend



Burbank CA—DISNEY have announced that they are delaying a film about a
loveable ill pangolin who is saved by his trusty friend, a market-dwelling bat.

Piper’s Poorly Pango was already in production when the studio cancelled
the sentimental movie about the unlikely duo’s quest to find a cure for a
mystery illness, which takes them across all of Hubei province.

Director Tom Logan said: “It’s gutting to have to pull the plug. Pango the
pangolin and Piper the horseshoe bat would have roamed China, interacting
with all kinds of other creatures, to find a cure.

“The illness was really a metaphor for fear, so the movie had an important
message to children about how if you share your fears by hugging as many
people as possible, they’ll go away. Which is apparently ‘irresponsible’ now.

“The climax of the movie, a thrilling chase through Wuhan’s wet market,
would have had audiences on the edge of their seats. Such a shame it’ll
never be seen.”

Disney’s head of marketing Carolyn Ryan, commented: “Pangolins are
incredibly cute. We’ve got warehouses full of cuddly pangolins, pangolin
bedsheets, pangolin backpacks.

“Now people are only going to want to buy them to beat them while
screaming furiously. Which works for us.”







FBI Solving 80% More Cases After
Getting Great Big Magnifying Glass



WASHINGTON—Describing the new piece of equipment as indispensable to the
agency’s successful reduction of backlogged cases, the FBI reported Tuesday it
had solved 80% more crimes since investing in a great big magnifying glass.

“Not since the implementation of DNA profiling in the 1980s have we equipped
our investigators with such a powerful new forensic tool,” said FBI Director
Christopher Wray, confirming that thousands of human hairs, muddy
footprints, flecks of blood, and other crucial evidence would have gone
undiscovered had the bureau not upgraded its technology to include the
handheld vision-enhancement device.

“A potential clue that appears really small—perhaps even invisible—to the naked
eye can be made to appear much larger with the assistance of this single
oversized magnifying glass.

“We are now drafting a budget requisition to authorize the purchase of a deerstalker
cap, which we believe could work similar wonders for our clearance rate.”

At press time, sources said officials were scrambling to put out a fire that engulfed
evidence lockers at FBI headquarters after agents discovered the magnifying
glass could also be used to concentrate a ray of sunlight.

[Lou1se]

Anyone else getting 3 weeks to the gallon with their car?

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked him, "What are you doing?"
He said, "Working from home."


.
.

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

I'm having a quarantine party this weekend!
None of you are invited



.
.






[medical school]

TEACHER: u lost your homework?

CLASSMATE: it was just right here I swear

DR DOG (burps & rubs his belly):that's so weird

[mtpockets]

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


ESPN Execs: ‘Fuk It, Air The
Dogfighting’

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-
Only Shopping Hours For Dipchits Who
Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away



DEERFIELD, IL—In an effort to better protect all customers during the Covid-19
pandemic, retail pharmacy chain Walgreens introduced new dumbass-only
shopping hours Thursday for dipchits who don’t know how to stay 6 goddamn
feet away.

“We want everyone to feel safe while shopping at Walgreens, so from now on, we’re reserving
every morning from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. for fukwits who lack the common sense not to get right
up behind a stranger and breathe into their ear,” said CEO Stefano Pessina, who noted that
the research shows the dipchit population is at particularly high risk of being infected, and
encouraged any non-distancing moron interested in contracting or spreading the virus to
take advantage of these special time slots.

“If you want to pass someone but can’t process the idea of using another aisle or waiting for
two fuking seconds, then come on in. Slobbering dolts incapable of following simple CDC guidelines
can feel free to lumber around our aisles coughing all over the frozen corn dogs and touching
their dumb fuking faces at these times.

“We’ve prepared our stores by marking out the checkout lanes in 6-foot increments for chit-for-
brains to blow straight through. Help yourself to any merchandise you like, because our
sales associates won’t be sticking around.”

At press time, Pessina added that if any knuckle-dragging dumbfuks wanted to die in their
stores, then that’s fine too.






Quiet Loner Really Comes Out Of Shell
At Gun Store



JACKSON, MS—Though he remains quiet and reclusive in nearly all other
situations, local resident Frank Collins “really brightens up and comes into his
own” when he visits Larry’s Guns & Ammo in downtown Jackson, relatives of
the 22-year-old reported Tuesday.

“He won’t say three words to you all day, but once he steps into that gun shop he’s like a
flower blooming in spring,” said Collins’ father Paul, explaining that in the store his son will
immediately start pointing around and saying “I’ll take one of those, two of those, and
how much is it for 1,000 rounds of ammunition?”

“He’s always full of questions about reload times, stopping power, magazine capacities—
you name it. You’d never believe he was the same kid who spends all weekend indoors with
his blinds drawn. Going there seems to be really healthy for him.”

Gun store employees confirmed Collins suddenly grows distant and withdrawn when they
take a few minutes to perform his federally mandated background check, but always
perks right back up again the moment his purchase is approved.






Undaunted Sanders Supporters
Announce They’ll Continue Presidential
Campaign Without Candidate



NEW YORK—Stressing that they would not allow a minor bump in the road to
prevent them from delivering true change, the nation’s undaunted Bernie
Sanders supporters announced Wednesday that they would continue his 2020
presidential campaign without the candidate.

“Time and again, the mainstream media has predicted the end of this campaign, and they
will again try to spin losing our only candidate as the clear conclusion of Bernie’s run for
the presidency—but they could not be more wrong,” said Peter Symanski, a 27-year-
old Sanders supporter who echoed the sentiment of thousands across the country while
describing the Vermont senator’s decision to drop out of the race as “an insignificant
setback” on the path to bringing a progressive vision to the Oval Office in 2020.

“They said this race was over after South Carolina, they said it was over after Super Tuesday.
But with or without our candidate, we will soldier ahead with our plan to bring true
change in November. This race isn’t close to over.”

At press time, the unwavering followers of Sanders went on to vow that if they did not find
success this year, they would likely keep running the 2020 campaign until the end of the
decade.

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[supramax]

[mtpockets]

How do tell a boy ant from a girl ant?

Throw them in some water, and the one who floats is boy-ant.

[supramax]

[steffo99]