O/T There Should Be A Joke Thread...

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

China has finally released the name of the first person to contract coronavirus


Ah Choo

[mtpockets]

China has finally released the name of the first person to contract coronavirus


Ah Choo

Ok. I laughed way too hard at that..


Keep em coming Lou1se

[Lou1se]

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a candy*

MOM: What do u say?

KID: Thanks, Mr Dog.

DD: Kid I didn't go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog.

[supramax]

Ok. I laughed way too hard at that..


Keep em coming Lou1se

These are desperate times.

[Lou1se]

These are desperate times.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Until Coronavirus is contained I will not be
attending any more orgies !

[supramax]

Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Until Coronavirus is contained I will not be
attending any more orgies !

You'll be missed.

[mtpockets]

Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Until Coronavirus is contained I will not be
attending any more orgies !

I will still be attending,
But I won't be staying long,
Just in and out a few times.

[supramax]

... but ruled the Earth for over 200 milion years, a lot longer than we've been here.

[Lou1se]

HAHAHA on rc


--

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Bucs Sign Replacement-Level Veteran
To Hold Down QB Position Until They
Draft Starter

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




Orioles Suggest That MLB Maybe
Consider Canceling Entire Season Just
To Be Totally Safe



BALTIMORE—Insisting that this was an abundance of caution around the
coronavirus and absolutely nothing else, the players and staff of the Baltimore
Orioles suggested to the MLB Friday that they should consider just canceling the
entire season to be safe.

“We just think that given the risk there is really no reason why we should have to go out
there and play 182 games this year—we just care about people’s safety is all,” said pitcher
Alex Cobb, who assured reporters that the team’s lack of desire to play through the
2020 season was purely altruistic in every way.

“Why play against the Yankees and the Red Sox game after game with this horrible infectious
disease out there. It might seem safe to just take a month off, but it could come roaring
back in the middle of July when we are already 40 games under .500, not that that matters
at all.

“We’re just thinking about the fans and their health, nothing else.”

Cobb added that given the severity of the situation and the disruption of the coronavirus,
the MLB might consider just starting the entire league over from scratch next year
just to be fair.







NASA Launches Really Nice Nikon DSLR
Camera Strapped To Rocket To Gather
Photos Of Sun



CAPE CANAVERAL—Expressing excitement about the collaborative mission with
the European Space Agency, NASA officials announced Monday the successful
launch of a really nice Nikon DSLR camera strapped to a rocket to gather photos
of the sun.

“Thus far, we’ve been limited in our ability to take images of the sun, but this baby is a top-of-
the-line camera, which, according to a number of Amazon reviews, takes really great pics,” said
NASA senior project manager Melissa Bolton, browsing through the high-quality images of
trees and birds that her solar launch team had shot at a nearby park with the Nikon D810A.

“At first, we were thinking of using the latest iPhone after seeing those billboards advertising its
new camera, but since this project could bring new insight into the many forces responsible for
solar behavior, we decided to go all-out with a totally sweet DSLR.

“This thing has really good auto-focus, a 20x zoom, and a little sun icon right on the camera, which
is perfect because that’s what we’re shooting. It can hold a ton of pictures, too, so we can just
set the countdown timer and we’ll check what we got in a couple of years.

“Sure, the Nikon is a little pricey, but you don’t need to be a professional to take great pictures. It’s
nice because the camera is pretty much idiot proof.”

At press time, NASA engineers were panicking after realizing that they had forgotten
to remove the lens cap.







Biden Pledges To Select Woman As Vice
President Since Position Doesn’t Entail
Much Anyway



WASHINGTON—In a bid to secure support for his nomination as the Democratic
Party’s candidate for president, Joe Biden reportedly pledged Sunday to select a
woman as vice president since the position doesn’t entail much anyway.

“I promise that my vice president will be a woman, since pretty much anyone can do this job,
so I figure, hey, might as well pick a lady,” said Biden, adding that he knew from experience in
his eight years as U.S. vice president that the position was essentially ceremonial and
required no real work, so he had no reservations about handing it to a woman.

“You basically just sit on your can all day and maybe show up at a meeting every month or
two, so if a woman wants to do that, be my guest. I could see myself selecting [Senator] Amy
Klobuchar, [former Georgia State Rep.] Stacey Abrams, or any one of the tens of millions of
women perfectly capable of pulling off this no-show gig.

“I don’t really care what her politics are, and anyway it hardly matters. This works out well,
actually, since I can stick a lady in the VP spot and don’t have to put one in an important role
on the cabinet.”

At press time, Biden was being praised by members of the media and his own party for
his commitment to symbolic representation in an office that most people forget
about half the time.

[supramax]

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

I know he would be happy to help

[mtpockets]

I know he would be happy to help

ha ha lou1se. If I can't get it out with Vaseline.... I'll BE BACK!

[Lou1se]

ha ha lou1se. If I can't get it out with Vaseline.... I'll BE BACK!

lol Thoughts and prayers !

[mtpockets]

[supramax]

[supramax]

[supramax]

[Lou1se]

Turn sound on

https://imgur.com/a/9H1NV8W?fbclid=I...93X1fO7-eFk8PQ

[mtpockets]

Turn sound on

https://imgur.com/a/9H1NV8W?fbclid=I...93X1fO7-eFk8PQ

hahahaha

[Lou1se]

Since everyone has started to wash their hands, the
peanuts in the bar have lost their taste

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[Lou1se]

NEWS IN PHOTOS


Outback Introduces New Bloomin’ Cow

[Lou1se]

- THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



Violently Bored Americans Begin
Looting Puzzle Stores



NORTHWOOD, NH—Isolated and desperate for a fun new hobby or pastime in
the face of social-distancing measures implemented to fight Covid-19,
hysterical mobs of violently bored citizens have begun looting puzzle stores
across the country, sources confirmed Friday.

“People were grabbing up the jigsaws, the crosswords, the sudokus—even climbing over each
other to get to the Rubik’s Cubes, if you can believe that,” said Howard Beaman, owner of
the now-devastated Piece Time Puzzles, one of several hundred such specialty stores that
reportedly had their windows smashed and saw their entire inventories seized by panicked
Americans stuck at home and in dire need of a suitable diversion.

“Probably did $10,000 of damage to my establishment alone. I watched someone punch an old
woman in the throat just to get her hands on a book of riddles. But I’ve always said there’s
a real ugly side of humanity that comes out when people are faced with a limited supply
of 5,000-piece landscape scenes and decide to turn on one another.”

At press time, reports indicated that online resellers were offering 500-piece jigsaw puzzles
of cats sleeping on bookshelves for $800 each, plus shipping.






Nation Close To Getting
Videoconferencing Software To Work



WASHINGTON—Explaining that they almost had the online communication
application fully figured out, the nation reportedly announced Monday that they
were close to getting their videoconferencing software to work.

“Hello, hello, okay, I can see you now, but I can’t hear you—is there something else I need
to do?” said 327 million Americans in unison while trying to figure out how to unmute
themselves as they combed through their computer’s system preferences trying to locate
their audio settings, unsure if they needed to disconnect their bluetooth headphones
or download a new plug-in.

“Wait, I clicked on the icon on the bottom left, but now all of you are frozen. Sorry, now I
don’t see anyone, but I hear a dog barking. Is that right? Do I need to click something else?

“Actually, I’m just gonna try restarting my computer and hopefully that will fix it. Make sure
to re-invite me after I leave, though.”

After successfully connecting to the call, the U.S. populace immediately pivoted toward asking
how they could change their backgrounds so it looked like they were on a beach.






CDC Advises Americans To Protect
Against Coronavirus By Piling Into This
Here Tub For A Scrubbin’



ATLANTA—Reckoning that the new measure was a “mighty powerful way” to
prevent the spread of the infectious disease, the Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention advised Americans Monday to protect against the coronavirus by
piling into this here tub for a good scrubbin’.

“Now listen up—we’re gonna need each and every one of y’all to come on down here to the
Peach State and let one of our trained health officials give you a good old-fashioned scrub down
with a strong horse-bristled brush,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, wearing an apron as
he heated up another tea kettle of hot water to pour into the large metal tub outside CDC
headquarters in anticipation of scouring the pesky Covid-19 germs out of all 325 million
Americans over the next few days.

“Make sure you really wash up every nook and cranny. We’ll get you nice and sudsy with a bar of
lye soap we purchased from the general store, then I’ll dump a bucket of warm water over you
and we’ll keep scrubin’ you something fierce till you’re healthy as a newborn babe. After that,
we’ll give y’all a spell with the big communal towel to pat yourselves dry.”

The CDC also advised all Americans to further inoculate themselves from the coronavirus by giving
all their garments and linen a fearsome scrubbin’ on a washboard in the Chattahoochee River.

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]

[mtpockets]