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  1. #4681
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    NEWS IN PHOTOS


    Gym Patron Just Resting For A Second
    Until Will To Live Returns


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  2. #4682
    ~~MsFit~~ Lou1se's Avatar
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    - THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



    Tony Romo Realizes He Should Have
    Used Ability To Read Defenses Back
    When He Was Still Playing




    ATLANTA—Admitting that relying on the skill set was fairly obvious in
    hindsight, CBS commentator Tony Romo realized Friday that he probably
    should have used his ability to read defenses back when he was still playing.


    “Aw, jeez, you know, being able to determine whether the secondary was
    staying in man or dropping into zone would have been super helpful back when
    I was under center,” said Romo, who acknowledged for the first time that his
    aptitude for identifying blitz packages and dissecting coverage schemes would
    likely have improved his play at quarterback.

    “Honestly, it’s kind of a shame I didn’t take the things I learned from watching
    all those hours of tape and apply them to the actual games—because it turns out,
    knowing exactly what the other team is going to do is a pretty big advantage.

    Gosh, I probably could have even avoided a bunch of those sacks and injuries that
    forced me into early retirement.” Romo added that in retrospect, it easily could
    have been him catching Patriots cornerback Jason McCourty without safety help
    over-the-top on the second play from scrimmage next week.








    Gimp Tied To Pole On Curb Outside
    Coffee Shop While Owner Inside




    CHICAGO—Concerned about the welfare of the “cold and kind of lonely-
    looking” submissive chained to a street sign outside of a coffee shop,
    sympathetic passersby discussed the ethics Friday of leaving one’s gimp tied to
    a pole while one buys a latte.


    “It’s really cold out here, especially with this wind, and the poor little painslut’s
    wearing rhinestone-studded leather chaps,” said passerby Lee Schroeder of the
    disoriented masochist whose neglectful master had emerged from the shop only
    once in a two-hour period to perfunctorily whip him and piss in his mouth.

    “Should I go over and see if he’s okay, maybe fist him a little? I considered cock-
    and-ball torturing him earlier, but you never know if these little guys are
    gonna bite. God, my heart always breaks when I see a ****toy all by himself,
    barking ‘Spank me, Daddy!’ over and over while his dom is inside wearing
    noise-cancelling headphones.”

    Observers were later able to breathe a sigh of relief as the gimp’s owner came out,
    untied him, and ran a Wartenberg pinwheel over his nipples.







    Man At Park Who Set Up Table Full Of
    Water Cups Has No Idea How Passing
    Marathon Runners Got Impression
    They Can Take Them




    CHICAGO—Expressing his incredulity at the race participants’ level of
    entitlement, a local man who set up a table full of water cups at Grant Park told
    reporters Sunday he had no idea how passing marathon runners got the
    impression they could just take them.


    “I came here like I do every weekend to enjoy a leisurely afternoon of sipping
    water from dozens of small cups, and all of a sudden these jerks in spandex start
    dashing through and stealing them,” said Evan Burdette, who confirmed that
    he didn’t go through the effort of erecting a folding table under his favorite tree
    and filling 30 or 40 Dixie cups from a nearby water fountain only to have
    them snatched away by a bunch of strangers.

    “This is my favorite part of the week, a special little treat just for me, and they’re
    ruining the whole thing. I tried chasing after one of them, but he was going too fast,
    and then when I got back to my table, some other a$sholes had grabbed even
    more cups and crumpled them on the ground.

    “They’ve been at it for the last hour and a half—who do these people think they are?”

    At press time, Burdette was reportedly outraged after another group of runners
    pilfered several pieces of his personal supply of nipple tape.
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  3. #4683
    temporary illusion supramax's Avatar
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    It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

    It's easy to not be afraid of tigers when you're sitting in your living room watching a television program about tigers. When you're in the jungle where the tigers are, it's quite a different story.
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  4. #4684
    In Witness Protection mtpockets's Avatar
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    Air Force Veteran 1976 - 1999

    Real Heroes don't wear capes.


    Keep your squats low and standards high.
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  5. #4685
    ~~MsFit~~ Lou1se's Avatar
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    Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do

    They told Beethoven he could never write music because he was deaf


    But did he listen?



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  6. #4686
    ~~MsFit~~ Lou1se's Avatar
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    Aussie Prank - Scottish reporter covering a story about the deadly Australian drop bear.



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    In Witness Protection mtpockets's Avatar
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    Air Force Veteran 1976 - 1999

    Real Heroes don't wear capes.


    Keep your squats low and standards high.
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  8. #4688
    ~~MsFit~~ Lou1se's Avatar
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    NEWS IN PHOTOS


    ‘So People Could Be Listening To This
    Conversation Right Now?’ Asks Joe
    Rogan Trying To Understand Edward
    Snowden’s Explanation Of Surveillance


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  9. #4689
    ~~MsFit~~ Lou1se's Avatar
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    - THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -



    New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be
    Thrown Away Straight From Package




    CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins,
    Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced
    napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package
    and immediately thrown into the trash.


    “With this new innovation, we’ve cut out all the extra steps between procuring a
    napkin and then crumpling it up and discarding it,” said the company’s director of
    marketing, Chase Henderson, explaining that the ready-soiled paper goods
    completely eliminate the need to first spill something and then wipe it up.

    “For our initial rollout, the napkins will come partially saturated in your choice of
    chili, ranch dressing, or spaghetti sauce. Down the road, we’re hoping to introduce
    napkins that are already wadded up into a big, messy clump, so customers can
    simply place the entire 200-count package in the garbage all at once.”

    Henderson added that the company was also developing a new paper plate that
    comes pre-stained with a triangle of pizza grease.





    ZZ Top Reveals Meaning Behind Classic
    Song ‘Legs’




    HOUSTON—More than three decades after the song was a chart-topping smash
    and became an instant classic-rock staple, ZZ Top finally revealed to fans
    Tuesday the meaning behind its iconic hit “Legs.”


    “People have been coming up with all these crazy interpretations for 30 years, so
    we’ve finally decided to just come out and say that the song’s about a woman’s sexy
    legs and how much they make us want her sexually,” said lead vocalist Billy Gibbons,
    acknowledging that spelling out the meaning of “Legs” might take away from
    its longstanding mystique.

    “If the song means something else to you, that’s still cool, but there were lots of
    people who wanted to know what we were driving at.”

    Gibbons went on to say, however, that most of ZZ Top’s songs, such as the
    anti-apartheid anthem “Tush,” were pretty straightforward.







    Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race
    After Falling In Love With Small-Town
    Iowa Life




    ALGONA, IA—Sitting in the diner where he now eats breakfast every morning,
    Senator Cory Booker announced Monday that he was dropping out of the 2020
    rat race after falling in love with small-town Iowa life.


    “I’ve spent my whole life worrying about my career, chasing the next big position,
    but after spending all this time in Iowa, I’ve realized it’s community and family that
    count,” said Booker, who revealed he’s taken a position at the local auto parts store,
    bought a cute little ranch house, and started volunteering at a nursing home.

    “The air is fresher, the people are nicer, and everyone knows your name. I’ve
    found peace here. I was working my ass off every day, and for what? To be president
    of the United States? To pass some immigration plan? That stuff doesn’t matter.
    I just want a quiet garden and people who love me.”

    Booker added that while girlfriend Rosario Dawson was thinking about moving in,
    she was more interested in a place with a little more hustle and bustle like
    Fort Dodge.
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    Uranus is just asking for Uranus jokes

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    In a city park stood two naked statues, one female and the other male.

    These two statues had faced each other for many years.

    Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said,.. “Since
    the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to
    many people,.. I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift
    of life,.. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”

    And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran
    toward some nearby woods and disappeared behind a couple of bushes.

    The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling,
    bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

    After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and
    smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,.. “You
    still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”

    The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it
    again?”

    Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon
    down and I’ll $hit on its head”..
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  13. #4693
    Registered User shaneinga's Avatar
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    A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade class. She explained to them that humans were the only animals that stuttered.

    A little girl in class raised her hand and said, I had a cat that stuttered.

    The teacher, knowing how cute these stories can be, asked her to tell her about the incident.

    Well, she began, I was in the backyard with my kitty and the rottweiler that lives next store got a running start and before we knew it he was in the backyard with us.

    The teacher said, that must have been really scary.

    It was, the little girl said.

    My kitty raised his back, went FFFFF, FFFFF, FFFFFF.... And before he could say fawk, the rottweiler ate him.
    IG @ JustShaneinGa
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    ~~MsFit~~ Lou1se's Avatar
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    An old lady went to a bank intending to withdraw money...

    The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”

    The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”

    The old lady then asked, “Why?” The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no
    other matter. There is a queue behind you.” She then returned the card to the old lady.

    The old lady remained silent. But she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me
    withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She
    nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in
    your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment
    and come again tomorrow?"

    The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?” The teller told her, “Any amount up
    to $300,000” The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
    The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully. The old lady kept $500 in her bag
    and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
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    A wise man once told his son:

    My boy, when you
    accumulate the
    understanding to know
    why a pizza is made
    round, to be put in a
    square box & is eaten in
    triangles,
    then and only
    then will you be able
    to understand women.

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    Air Force Veteran 1976 - 1999

    Real Heroes don't wear capes.


    Keep your squats low and standards high.
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    NEWS IN PHOTOS


    Icy Road Conditions Lead To Multi-Deer
    Pileup On Highway


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    - THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




    Cows Trample Dozens Of Lobsters To
    Death In Escalating Surf ’N’ Turf War



    A 16-month truce between the lobsters and cows was shattered this week when bovines
    ruthlessly stomped rival crustaceans at Crescent Beach State Park.


    CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of
    bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a
    charging herd of cattle had trampled 49 lobsters to death on the southern coast
    of Maine, marking a bloody escalation in their surf ’n’ turf war.


    According to reports, the shoreline at Crescent Beach State Park was littered with crushed
    claws and carapaces, the deadliest hit yet in a week of intensifying conflict between
    lobsters and cows. The fragile 16-month truce between the rivals is said to have been
    shattered Sunday when a lone mother cow wandered into lobster territory at low tide
    and, after a tense exchange of shouted insults, lost her left front hoof in a pincer attack.


    “We merely seek to defend ourselves
    against those who would scuttle onto
    our territory and steal the land right out
    from under our hooves.”



    “I heard this awful pop, pop, pop sound of shells cracking under hooves and
    immediately called the cops,” said longtime Maine resident Anna Newman, who
    on Monday heard loud, taunting moos outside her beach house and witnessed
    the indiscriminate stampeding of lobsters as she crouched low and peered out
    from behind a curtain. “Bad blood between the cows and the shellfish goes back
    a long way, of course, but I’ve never seen it get this vicious before.”

    “Yesterday, a steer drove his horn straight through a soft-shell crab that was
    just minding his own business, and the day before that, a whole pod of angry
    lobsters pinched a cow’s udder off right in front of her calves,” she continued.
    “It’s a nightmare.”

    High-ranking bovine lieutenants are believed to have ordered Monday’s deadly
    trampling after the carcass of a young heifer from a prominent cow family
    washed up on the shore near Kettle Cove, her hide branded with a pair of
    crossed pincers and the phrase “sea life.” This insignia is known to be used by
    affiliates of the Atlantic Lobster and King Crab crews, who were themselves
    reportedly retaliating against the cows after an incident last week in which a
    ferocious bull gored to death an entire school of great northern prawns.

    With the killing Thursday of a dozen Wellfleet oysters in a disputed tide pool,
    reports confirmed the current surf ’n’ turf war has become the deadliest since
    the 1980s, when hostilities between lobsters and cows were so common that no
    creature could cross through a pasture or estuary without fear of being brutally
    fileted or shelled.

    Participants on both sides of the present conflict suggested the widespread
    killings would get worse before they got better.

    “We merely seek to defend ourselves against those who would scuttle onto our
    territory and steal the land right out from under our hooves,” said cow boss
    Gertie, who decried the crustacean’s atrocities, citing the alleged abduction of a
    Holstein steer who had a strip steak snipped out of his still-living body by a
    King Crab enforcer. “The only way we can succeed is for the Herefords and
    Longhorns to extend their dominion over the ocean and root out our enemies
    where they live. Every lobster must die—whether they are killed in battle or
    after a period of confinement in a crowded supermarket aquarium.”

    “The bays and inlets will run red with bisque,” she added.

    Independent sources confirmed lobster have subjected cows to an excruciating
    practice known as “brining,” in which captive bovines are forced to drink
    seawater until they die of dehydration. At the same time, reports have suggested
    cows indoctrinate their young into a violent lifestyle before they are even
    weaned, forcing calves to prove their mettle by stealing lobster traps and
    placing them in the sun, where, after baking in agony for a day or more, their
    occupants eventually suffocate.

    “For too long we have been relegated to second-class status alongside these
    disgusting slabs of fat and gristle—even our humble bivalve brethren know they
    are superior to cows,” said lobster patriarch Klktelek, who wears a string of
    cowbells around his neck, each one reportedly taken from a cow he has killed
    slowly, pinch by pinch. “Cows poison the planet with their $hit and eat
    everything in their path. We will roast them on spits right there in their own
    meadows and fields, hanging their severed heads on every wall from ocean to
    prairie.”

    Klktelek added, “Soon it will only be surf, no turf.”





    Spaced-Out Flower Child Groovin’
    On A Doobie Wave




    BRATTLEBORO, VT—In an effort to experience a happening freak-out in an
    outta sight way, a far-out chick is, sources confirmed, currently groovin’ on a
    doobie wave, feeling the vibes, and tripping out on a psychedelic reefer wave.


    “Sure, I’ll have some,” said the mama bear flower girl, accepting a long, mellow
    toke from a radical doob that, brother, will reportedly take this little moon child
    one step closer to the cosmic ashram on the day-glo astral plane.

    “Thanks.”

    At press time, time had lost all meaning, man, ya dig, and sources were reporting
    that this spaced-out chick was most definitely groovin’ and cruisin’ on a
    righteous trip to a land without bummers.






    Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-
    Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling
    Heavy Objects In Public Spaces




    LAS VEGAS—Explaining how constantly throwing bar stools strengthens several
    different muscle groups, mixed martial artist Conor McGregor credited his
    excellent pre-fight shape Saturday to a rigorous workout routine of hurling
    heavy objects in public spaces.


    “I’ve never been one for the gym—I need to be out there overturning tables and
    tossing them across the bar,” said the former welterweight champion, revealing that
    he trained for his main event bout against Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone by adhering
    to a strict regimen of ripping parking meters out of the ground and using them to
    pelt fleeing taxis.

    “I like to stay loose by getting into a scrum at the pub every week. Throwing hundreds
    of beer bottles is just good cardio.

    “When I’m ready for strength training, I’ll knock over some mailboxes and chuck
    them into the park. Lifting cinder blocks above my head to smash in the windshield
    of my girlfriend’s car is great, too.”

    At press time, McGregor hurled a scale into an audience of reporters and broke one
    bystander’s jaw after weighing in two pounds over his ideal weight.
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    Air Force Veteran 1976 - 1999

    Real Heroes don't wear capes.


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    When I think about books, I
    touch my shelf.



    ~;~



    Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

    The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

    The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.”

    The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.

    The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

    The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

    Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

    "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."




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    Real Heroes don't wear capes.


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    The only reason why I took up exercising is so
    that I could hear heavy breathing again.






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    If two meth heads start a relationship
    is that considered speed dating or
    just mething around?





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    DR DOG: I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You'd better sit down. Now lie
    down. Now beg. Beg for the bad news.
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    NEWS IN PHOTOS


    Increasingly Unwell Harvey Weinstein
    Arrives To Court As Jar Of Ashes


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    - THE FRIDAY CHUCKLER -




    Parents Impressed By How Big Baby
    Has Gotten After Just 16 Months Of
    CrossFit





    CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Marveling at the clear results they’ve seen since his
    September 2018 birth, parents Stephen Larrimore and Allison Zeitz told
    reporters Monday they were impressed by how big their baby, Payton, had
    gotten after just 16 months of the CrossFit strength and conditioning program.


    “I remember when he was only 6 pounds, 9 ounces, and now he’s shot up to 50
    pounds of hard, lean muscle—I can barely even recognize him,” said first-time
    mother Zeitz, contrasting the days when her newborn child “couldn’t even
    support the weight of his own head” with his current daily regimen of shuttle-
    running across his nursery while dragging a pair of tractor tires behind him.

    “It’s crazy. One day he’s crawling around on the floor, and the next he’s box-
    jumping onto the fridge.

    “I remember when he was just a chubby, cuddly little guy, and now he’s absolutely
    shredded. Everyone tells you they get swole so fast, but I guess I had to see it
    for myself to believe it. Now, all we have to do is find a preschool with a good
    body-sculpting program.”

    At press time, a teary-eyed Zeitz was reportedly sending her husband a video
    of Payton saying the word “creatine” for the first time.






    Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some
    Way To Pay His Doctor For All The
    Hard Work He Did




    TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician’s efforts going
    unrewarded, Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there
    was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work.


    “Dr. Leva really went above and beyond for me, and I wish there were some method
    of exchange, preferably one that would put me in debt far beyond my usual
    retirement age, I could engage in to display my appreciation,” said Munley, who
    confessed to feeling as if he were stealing from his internist outright, especially
    since the clinician required multiple rounds of appointments and testing in
    order to achieve a diagnosis and devise a treatment plan.

    “My doctor, like so many, is a dedicated professional who works extremely hard,
    yet I am unable to give him a single dollar, let alone nearly bankrupt my
    family in order to pay for his services. It hardly seems civilized.”

    Several personal checks that Munley tried to send his to doctor’s practice have
    reportedly been returned along with legal notices reprimanding him for
    attempted payment.






    Xi Jinping Vows To Combat Coronavirus
    By Making It Illegal To Mention Within
    A Week




    BEIJING—In an effort to assuage concerns about how his government has
    handled the deadly disease outbreak, Chinese president Xi Jinping held a press
    conference Monday to announce plans to combat the coronavirus by making it
    illegal to mention within the next week.


    “We are directing massive resources towards eradicating the slightest hint of any
    person speaking about the virus, and I promise you that any conversation or
    literature pertaining to the virus will be completely eliminated during the next
    seven days,” said Xi, warning that if immediate action was not taken, it could
    be too late to stop the spread of information.

    “We have already seen far too many senseless deaths as a result of this outbreak,
    so I vow here and now that those official death toll numbers will remain unchanged.”

    Xi closed his remarks by urging anyone who believed they were suffering from
    the outbreak or knew someone who was to come forward so they could be
    executed.
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    Al and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Los Alamitos,
    California. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

    Al said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

    Jim says, 'Me too.. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?'

    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

    The next morning Al wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO
    hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

    Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

    Al says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

    Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

    Al says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

    'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

    'What's that?'

    'Have you farted yet?'

    'No.'

    'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Montreal.'
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    I love my job as an anaesthetist. Just as my patient is about to go under, I
    love to call them by the wrong name and tell them not to worry your
    vasectomy will be over shortly!


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    Air Force Veteran 1976 - 1999

    Real Heroes don't wear capes.


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    NEWS IN PHOTOS


    Chiefs Finally Overcome Curse Of Not
    Being Good For A Very Long Time


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